Recovery confused about why i keep struggling

Just wanted to put my feelings into words tonight because this week I’m having a struggle with sobriety and self-destructive behaviours. 9 months sober now, and my uni semester just started up again. I have a lot of trouble dealing with stress if I’m not using substances to erase the feelings, and the stress of uni is building again, and self-doubt creeps in. I feel really alienated from my classmates, like I always do. When they ask what I was doing before this degree I can’t say ‘I was an unemployed drug addict for years and sometimes I still wish I was.’ It’s so strange to me that when everything in my life is operating within sane and healthy parameters, something in me screams ‘get out before normalcy/mediocrity consumes you.’ I don’t believe that voice anymore, but I still feel it, and I still don’t fully understand why it’s there. Especially when I’ve experienced the path it leads me down.

I’m still so scared of myself. I feel as though if I don’t have this permanent stranglehold on my temperament, if I don’t constantly have 100% willpower, I’m going to relapse hard and lose everything. So it’s moments like this when this voice says ‘fuck it all up, everything else sucks anyway’ that I feel the most traumatised. I did lapse in October. I drank alcohol at 8pm and suddenly it was the next day and I was doing lines in a shed, having no idea how I got there. I won’t forget the horror I felt when my thinking brain suddenly turned on again, and I saw what I was doing. I fully feel a Dr Jekyll & Mr Hyde thing going on, and because I know there’s still this constant thing in me that has absolutely no self control, and absolutely loves to self destruct, I feel like I can never be at ease. Worse still, I blame myself for creating this destructive personality and feeding it with drugs and alcohol, and now I resent myself because I feel like some sanctimonious martyr inflicted with my own punishment.

I know I’m trying to create a real life out of everything that happened, but in moments of weakness I justify my disdain for ‘real life’ by thinking I’m better than it. I feel like I lost EVERYTHING when I chose my health, safety and future over my lifestyle and my friends at the time. So now when a little voice inside me says ‘can’t I have some fun?’ be it literally anything, not just substance-related, I have to say NO like a stern parent, because I had so much ‘fun’ that I can never trust myself again; that I abused the privilege of being able to have fun. I know this is a recipe for disaster (all work and no play etc...) but I don’t know how to build up that sense of trust in myself again.

Hi, Augustus, and welcome to BL! Also, congrats on 9 months...that's a huge accomplishment.

I wanted to reply to a couple of your points, because you've said a lot of important stuff in your post.

First is a question; do you have any kind of support network that can help you in this challenge? It could be a formal network like an outpatient rehab program, or a 12-step fellowship (if and only if that's something you're ok with), or it could be informal...e.g. friends and family who have your back and don't use. A lot of people find recovery to be much more feasible if they aren't on their own. Having a network you trust has obvious benefits in terms of immediate support. But it can also mellow out those feelings of alienation you mention.

I also want to encourage you to give yourself a bit of a break when it comes to relapses. Obviously, none of us wants to slip. But for almost all of us, especially in early recovery, relapses are simply part of the process of getting well. To me, the crucial things about a relapse are:
a) Try to get out of it ASAP (which it sounds like you've already done), and
b) After it's behind you, interrogate the events that lead up to the lapse. Relapses are great moments to make progress, because they can
help you dissect the kinds of triggers and headspaces that get you shaky. In other words, learn from your mistakes.

Last thing I wanted to touch on is the feelings of alienation you mention. A lot of addicted people feel variants of what you've described. In my own case, the feelings are VERY similar indeed (I'm also at a university, though not as a student). "These people are fucking clowns." "All of this is bullshit." "I hate these people and they hate me"...stuff like this goes through my head all the time, and I do believe that that thinking was a huge part of why I started using heroin in the first place. But I also have come to realize that a lot of these feelings spring from a more general depression in my case. Getting help for my depression has made recovery significantly more productive. Do you think something like that might be at work in your case?

Keep us posted!

Are there any small things you might incorporate into your day that you enjoy doing OP? Like, if you enjoy walking, talking the long walk instead of the short walk to class? You are still relatively new at this game, though you have come a long way in the last nine months no doubt. Point is though, you have your whole life ahead of you.

You have plenty of time to start building up a more robust lifestyle of leisure time. I strongly suggest finding ways of spending time connecting with people over activities you find meaningful. If you're at uni, this is an ideal place to connect with others. Do you have any clubs or groups at school you belong to in your department/dorm/etc?

Reaching out is a great step, none of us can do it alone. Having a support network, like what was mentioned above, can help you stay connected and on track. It sounds like you have a lot that you are trying to work through and perhaps talking to a counselor that specializes in addiction recovery can help you with that.

I personally have found that most "addiction counselors" know next to knowing about actually treating substance use disorder outsider their own personal, anecdotal experiences. It is rare to find one who is professional enough to go beyond their own experiences. I'd suggest trying to find a well qualified therapist, particularly someone with experience working with people who have experienced trauma, to be a much more beneficial option.

But like Danny said, the more support you get at this point the better.

Stay strong, many of us feel that way too.

thank you everyone, it really is nice to have this kind of support. Just to update, I've booked in a session with a specialist health clinic to create a mental health plan, which is required by the government if I'm to get subsidised sessions with a psychologist. So that feels good to get started. I'm also joining a gym today cause it's JUST down the road and everyone keeps talking about the benefits of it so why not. Maybe I'll make FRIENDS god forbid.