Somethings got to give

I've been a hardcore heroin user going on 4 years now. I've detoxed, relapsed many times during this period. I honestly can not take living this life anymore. I'm being broken down more with each day that passes. I am beginning to not even feel human. Void of emotions and rational thinking... compassion for anything but my next score. I've hit rock bottom and then the floor drops out I keep falling hitting a new low I didn't even see possible. Homelessness, loneliness, depression. Doing things I never imagined. If my former self saw my current self he would be disgusted. I'm a monster and hate what I've become. I've lost everything.. material, confidence, motivation, family. I need to make a change before I lose the last thing I have left. My life.

I've tried cold turkey many times some successful some not. Getting through the physical part is very hard but I've gotten over that hump many times. That's really not what my issue is. Shortly after massive depression sets in. I've dug myself such a hole that it's utterly depressing when I get sober and realize what life is going to be like. Which usually leads to my relapse.

I'm asking for personal methods on staying focused. Moving on with life and keeping focused on rebuilding. Any help would be appreciated.

Thanks.

Get into school, or a career. Have hobbies, have passions, and try to identify who you really are without the drugs, and embrace him/her.

I found my salvation from heroin in methadone maintenance. You can't find yourself until you can stop the run. Opioid replacement therapy can give you the breathing room to truly assess what you need.

Nati said:

If my former self saw my current self he would be disgusted. I'm a monster and hate what I've become. I've lost everything.. material, confidence, motivation, family. I need to make a change before I lose the last thing I have left. My life.

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You are not a monster. Hating what you act like in active addiction can be a motivator or a sure fire way to make you hate yourself so much you will keep using. The difference is in remorse vs guilt. Remorse allows you to face your actions honestly and to feel the sting of your own conscience and then resolve to change the circumstances that led you to do what you did; in other words you learn about your own weak points in order to strengthen yourself and prepare new strategies. Guilt on the other hand is a way of shaming yourself and deepening the self-loathing that is addiction's favorite food. Guilt tells you that you are a monster and therefore there is no possibility for change. It is so difficult for us (raised in this culture) to be able to accept ourselves and be empowered by that acceptance. We are taught instead to rationalize what we don't like and to blame rather than accept our frailties and feel confident that we can change them over time once we understand them. It takes great patience to learn to enjoy the process of creating oneself mentally. I was grew up believing that I was the sum total of my worst faults while being encouraged to never show the faults (keep up the image!). This is how shame develops in children and so when addiction comes along it is a very familiar place to be.

I think one of the best ways to stay focused is to create real bonds with others--bonds based on trust and acceptance. Finding activities that you really care about and then networking with others that share your interests can be a good way to nurture yourself through this very real struggle. Avoid toxic relationships based on need.

Depression wants you to believe all the same crap that addiction wants you to believe. It can feel crazy and even laughable when you first attempt to change your own thoughts but remember what is at stake: your reality. If you continually feed all the negative messages about yourself, your circumstances, your future, you will do all the hard work of cementing that reality while addiction and depression sit on the side cheering you on. When your head says, "why try? I'm a failure" just recognize that is one way to look at things but there are many other ways ("Wow, my capacity to try the same thing over and over is astounding! Maybe this time, I'll try something else and see what happens." or "If I could turn this persistence to my advantage rather than my detriment, its actually a pretty great quality I have.")