This will be quite a long post but I feel the more information I provide the better you might be able to help me. And if you take the time to read it, I'd greatly appreciate it!
Background: I'm a male, 20 years old living with the parents and have minimal bills, I worked at a sheet metal union full time for this past year making good money for my age. I managed to save and put $6000 into film equipment so I can pursue my passion as a director/actor and make my own films. I just took a lay off at work which they were kind enough to give me, meaning I'm on unemployment plus supplemental pay from my job for 6 months, making nearly the same amount. I did this so I could put my entire focus and all of my time into my films and get my dream career started.
Now, my drug history: up until mid high school I was drug free, until I became a daily weed smoker for a couple years which was bliss until eventually it stopped working and now causes panic attacks and anxiety whenever I smoke, so I quit. I also started taking Adderall in high school for the extreme energy, focus, and motivation it gives me. Never excessively though, I have had small one day binges a couple times, but for the most part I never exceed 20mg IR in a single dose, and only take it a few times a week, even though I'm prescribed it twice daily. I'm also prescribed norcos for a back injury I suffered years ago, but I now only take them occasionally, but in recreational doses (40-50mg hydrocodone) to escape and nod off in bliss.
I'm also on the road to alcoholism, I drink every night unless I'm on something else like opiates or xanax, and I don't get drunk enough to ever be hungover, but I do drink a solid 10-12oz of whisky, enough to get a strong buzz and help me pass out.
I take psychedelics maybe once a month but more so recently, and mdma once every couple months as well.
Now, the problem: I have a very strong passion for film, as I stated above, and 3 weeks into my 6 months of unemployment, I'm a wreck. I promised myself I'd be putting 60 hours a week into my film goals, but have come far from close. I've tried quitting Adderall for almost 2 weeks now, and since then I sleep 10 hours a night and have a hard as hell time getting out of bed any earlier than 11:30. I have no energy or motivation to get anything done. I try to jog every morning and have been only making it a mile at a time, compared to the 3.5-5 miles I regularly would run. And I'm not seeing any increase in energy levels from it like I used to. My diet hasn't been the best however, lots of frozen/fast food and pizza, whatever we have around the house because buying my own healthy food can get costly.
Now, the reasons for my drug habits come down to a lot of things. I was a nerd in high school and have never had a solid relationship, despite being told I'm an attractive guy by women quite frequently. So drugs have always masked the loneliness I always feel. Additionally, when on the Adderall I would be productive as can be, but the come down would be hell and I always needed a downer to kill the irritability and Bring my emotions back. But when not on the Adderall, I have no energy and bum around the house all day, leaving me bored and beating myself up for why I'm not doing anything with my life, causing me to use drugs/alcohol to feel better/escape. So it's as if either way I choose, the cycle is vicious.
I believe that complete sobriety sounds like my best option, however, trying this (without adderall) I just can't get the fire under my ass to pursue my dreams. And like I said before, with the Adderall the come down is hellish.
Maybe complete sobriety isn't the answer, and I should continue with the Adderall if it means being productive and getting shit done, which is my number one goal. And continue to use downers at night to balance myself out when needed. At least until I'm where I want to be in life.
I love film, and I know I have the talent to make it in Hollywood as a filmmaker/director, and even an actor. So that is my number one priority. But even though I live for it, without Adderall I just can't the fire under my ass that pushes me to grind it out.
What advice can you guys offer? All advice is appreciated and if you took the time to read this huge post I am endlessly grateful.
Background: I'm a male, 20 years old living with the parents and have minimal bills, I worked at a sheet metal union full time for this past year making good money for my age. I managed to save and put $6000 into film equipment so I can pursue my passion as a director/actor and make my own films. I just took a lay off at work which they were kind enough to give me, meaning I'm on unemployment plus supplemental pay from my job for 6 months, making nearly the same amount. I did this so I could put my entire focus and all of my time into my films and get my dream career started.
Now, my drug history: up until mid high school I was drug free, until I became a daily weed smoker for a couple years which was bliss until eventually it stopped working and now causes panic attacks and anxiety whenever I smoke, so I quit. I also started taking Adderall in high school for the extreme energy, focus, and motivation it gives me. Never excessively though, I have had small one day binges a couple times, but for the most part I never exceed 20mg IR in a single dose, and only take it a few times a week, even though I'm prescribed it twice daily. I'm also prescribed norcos for a back injury I suffered years ago, but I now only take them occasionally, but in recreational doses (40-50mg hydrocodone) to escape and nod off in bliss.
I'm also on the road to alcoholism, I drink every night unless I'm on something else like opiates or xanax, and I don't get drunk enough to ever be hungover, but I do drink a solid 10-12oz of whisky, enough to get a strong buzz and help me pass out.
I take psychedelics maybe once a month but more so recently, and mdma once every couple months as well.
Now, the problem: I have a very strong passion for film, as I stated above, and 3 weeks into my 6 months of unemployment, I'm a wreck. I promised myself I'd be putting 60 hours a week into my film goals, but have come far from close. I've tried quitting Adderall for almost 2 weeks now, and since then I sleep 10 hours a night and have a hard as hell time getting out of bed any earlier than 11:30. I have no energy or motivation to get anything done. I try to jog every morning and have been only making it a mile at a time, compared to the 3.5-5 miles I regularly would run. And I'm not seeing any increase in energy levels from it like I used to. My diet hasn't been the best however, lots of frozen/fast food and pizza, whatever we have around the house because buying my own healthy food can get costly.
Now, the reasons for my drug habits come down to a lot of things. I was a nerd in high school and have never had a solid relationship, despite being told I'm an attractive guy by women quite frequently. So drugs have always masked the loneliness I always feel. Additionally, when on the Adderall I would be productive as can be, but the come down would be hell and I always needed a downer to kill the irritability and Bring my emotions back. But when not on the Adderall, I have no energy and bum around the house all day, leaving me bored and beating myself up for why I'm not doing anything with my life, causing me to use drugs/alcohol to feel better/escape. So it's as if either way I choose, the cycle is vicious.
I believe that complete sobriety sounds like my best option, however, trying this (without adderall) I just can't get the fire under my ass to pursue my dreams. And like I said before, with the Adderall the come down is hellish.
Maybe complete sobriety isn't the answer, and I should continue with the Adderall if it means being productive and getting shit done, which is my number one goal. And continue to use downers at night to balance myself out when needed. At least until I'm where I want to be in life.
I love film, and I know I have the talent to make it in Hollywood as a filmmaker/director, and even an actor. So that is my number one priority. But even though I live for it, without Adderall I just can't the fire under my ass that pushes me to grind it out.
What advice can you guys offer? All advice is appreciated and if you took the time to read this huge post I am endlessly grateful.