I need help but no one can help me... (reaching out post)

I am addicted to crystal meth. There, I said it. And the only person who knows is my mum. The rest of my family, whom I am generally extremely close to, all think I quit years ago. They may have an idea that I am using again, but it is one of those "don't ask don't tell" kind of things. Out of sight, out of mind; ignorance is bliss mentality. I have recently discovered that my serious meth addiction has done damage to my kidneys, and completely fucked up my brain. (Funny how you never know these things in the beginning...but would it have stopped me?) Anyways, i have been seriously using meth since I was 18. By that I mean, more than just the occassional high with friends. I quit for a couple years when I moved to Florida, but as soon as I moved back to the sunny west coast, I started right up again. This time, even worse than before. I have been slamming crystal meth for several years now, which explains the severe damage to my kidneys. But I now feel the desperate need to quit; for lots of reasons, primarily I will be moving soon back to the east coast, and I can't be going through withdrawal during or after the cross country trek. My problem is this, although I am actively seeking help, no treatment thus far has proved successful. And without any medical insurance besides the state funded crap, I see no successful treatment centers willing to help. I suffer from BPD, or borderline Personality disorder, which, before you start blaming on the drug use, I was diagnosed pre-meth abuse. And my BPD is really bad. And I guess I can contribute the rapid decline of my mental health to drug use, but it isn't the sole cause of my deterioration. I need help. But the help I am receiving is NOT working. I come out crying and feeling worse after every therapy session. And the public mental health care facilities where I live are horrendous, not to mention absurdly difficult to get into. Every person I speak with just blames my mental health issues on my drug use, and no body has the time to really get to know me or my long list of past traumas to get to the bottom of why I use drugs in the first place. They are only seeing my drug use as the problem; not the co-occuring disorder that it really is. So here I am, reaching out to all of you in hopes that somebody can at least point me in the right direction. I need to be free of this addiction. I want to be clean, once and for all. I guess one of my main problems is I am always looking for a quick fix, hence the reason I started using in the first place. And I know, rationally, that there is no quick fix in over coming this kind of addiction. But I have never put much stock in all things rational. It is a bi-product of my disease-things are either black or white, there is never a gray. I just need to know what to do. I don't have the funds to check myself in to a world class detox rehabilitation center. I am stuck with the public crap my county calls drug rehab assistance. And it is simply not working. I am currently enrolled in drug and alcohol programs and behavioural health programs - all funded by the state. And none of them doing a luck of good. I am depressed; I am suicidal; I am completely lacking any kind of motivation; and the decline of my mental health is taking a toll on my family. They cant, nor should they have to, deal with me in this condition. I am trying everything that I can to be better, but I am still falling further into this deep disparity that has kept me reaching for the phone to call my dealer. But I don't want to use any more! I want a clean, healthy, positive life, free from the poison that has plagued my life for too long. I need help. I am just not getting the help I need. And I am running out of what little hope I have clinging to. And I seriously worry what will become of me if all hope is lost....

I wish I could help more but just wanted to respond to let you know this community does care, you aren't being ignored, and with so many people with such an array of experiences in the drug and mental health scenes, someone will have advice.

Have you perhaps looked into local charities? Many religious organizations run addiction programs but there are plenty of secular ones too. If nothing else, they at least will be different than your current treatment options and probably will not have the same directives and agendas of the state. Good luck.

Moved from homeless - As the op is looking to make a change and get rid of their addiction I think 'Sober Living' may be able to offer the best help. Mods please feel free to move.

Look into rehabilitation services. Methamphetamine use isn't something most people are able to kick on their own.

You said you are moving back to florida? By any chance is it within 3hrs of Orlando? If so I know a really good place for you that really helped me with my co-occurring mental and substance abuse problems. Most places won't touch OCD with a ten foot pole but these people really helped me. Especially one psychotherapist in particular. I have his number sitting right here if I ever need to call. I actually give him status updates because he was the one person that was able to explain to me why I do the things that I do and how I can help them. He also started me down the road of CBT therapy which is generally very helpful.

First things first: Always remember that. Don't lump all your problems together in a pile. Fight the demon in front of the dragon because while you are fighting the dragon the demon will kill you. You have already made a very good first step. You have realized that you are addicted to a substance and your use has become out of your control. It is amazing how many addicts are in denial about the disease they have...yes I believe it is a disease (it is chronic, and progressive, and generally ends in death). Basically you have you foot in the door: You know you have a problem that you cannot help on your own, and are reaching out for help.

Your next step is to start looking for a therapist outside of the public spectrum that works on a sliding scale. Here is where your family is going to have to work with you a little. You may have to out yourself to get them on your side as far as seeking help is concerned financially. Going through public mental health services is like getting dealt a 16 in blackjack and the only way to win is getting extremely lucky. The right therapist is key in making headway in your mental condition. I went through three therapists before I found one that I was comfortable with, and worked with me to come up with a plan to help me. If you are indeed coming back to florida I can get you all the resources you need that are free and I can steer you away from the bogus ones (basically bible based workcamps that just get free labor out of addicts and their form of rehabilitation is going to church seven days a week). Check out Summit Mental Health. They have quite a few psychotherapists and psychiatrists working in that group that specialize in different disorders and they work on a sliding scale. I also know of two really good detox centers here that will not turn people away, as well as a long term rehab that is extremely hard to get into (sixteen beds {which if you break it down it means everyone gets individualized care}). This place changed my life, and it was one of the biggest factors in the way I deal with my life and my illness now. I am doing something I could never have done before this, tapering my benzos on my own with success. I too had many traumatic things happen to me in my life and they helped me to feel all the emotions that I had shut off good and bad.

That is a lot on your plate for right now, so I am going to leave you with a bit of hope because it seems like that is something you really need right now. I have over a year and a month sober after a ~15year opiate addiction. In the end I was drinking, shooting speedballs all day, and abusing my benzos. I am stronger, I have self worth now, I am back to being the kind and caring man that I know I can be, and for once in my life I have hope. If you aren't feeling much hope, just know I have enough hope for both of us, and if you need a little of it PM me.
chef

That is a really beautiful post.

manboychef said:

You said you are moving back to florida? By any chance is it within 3hrs of Orlando? If so I know a really good place for you that really helped me with my co-occurring mental and substance abuse problems. Most places won't touch OCD with a ten foot pole but these people really helped me. Especially one psychotherapist in particular. I have his number sitting right here if I ever need to call. I actually give him status updates because he was the one person that was able to explain to me why I do the things that I do and how I can help them. He also started me down the road of CBT therapy which is generally very helpful.

First things first: Always remember that. Don't lump all your problems together in a pile. Fight the demon in front of the dragon because while you are fighting the dragon the demon will kill you. You have already made a very good first step. You have realized that you are addicted to a substance and your use has become out of your control. It is amazing how many addicts are in denial about the disease they have...yes I believe it is a disease (it is chronic, and progressive, and generally ends in death). Basically you have you foot in the door: You know you have a problem that you cannot help on your own, and are reaching out for help.

Your next step is to start looking for a therapist outside of the public spectrum that works on a sliding scale. Here is where your family is going to have to work with you a little. You may have to out yourself to get them on your side as far as seeking help is concerned financially. Going through public mental health services is like getting dealt a 16 in blackjack and the only way to win is getting extremely lucky. The right therapist is key in making headway in your mental condition. I went through three therapists before I found one that I was comfortable with, and worked with me to come up with a plan to help me. If you are indeed coming back to florida I can get you all the resources you need that are free and I can steer you away from the bogus ones (basically bible based workcamps that just get free labor out of addicts and their form of rehabilitation is going to church seven days a week). Check out Summit Mental Health. They have quite a few psychotherapists and psychiatrists working in that group that specialize in different disorders and they work on a sliding scale. I also know of two really good detox centers here that will not turn people away, as well as a long term rehab that is extremely hard to get into (sixteen beds {which if you break it down it means everyone gets individualized care}). This place changed my life, and it was one of the biggest factors in the way I deal with my life and my illness now. I am doing something I could never have done before this, tapering my benzos on my own with success. I too had many traumatic things happen to me in my life and they helped me to feel all the emotions that I had shut off good and bad.

That is a lot on your plate for right now, so I am going to leave you with a bit of hope because it seems like that is something you really need right now. I have over a year and a month sober after a ~15year opiate addiction. In the end I was drinking, shooting speedballs all day, and abusing my benzos. I am stronger, I have self worth now, I am back to being the kind and caring man that I know I can be, and for once in my life I have hope. If you aren't feeling much hope, just know I have enough hope for both of us, and if you need a little of it PM me.
chef

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This is the stuff recovery is made of. Awesome post man

manboychef said:

You said you are moving back to florida? By any chance is it within 3hrs of Orlando? If so I know a really good place for you that really helped me with my co-occurring mental and substance abuse problems. Most places won't touch OCD with a ten foot pole but these people really helped me. Especially one psychotherapist in particular. I have his number sitting right here if I ever need to call. I actually give him status updates because he was the one person that was able to explain to me why I do the things that I do and how I can help them. He also started me down the road of CBT therapy which is generally very helpful.

First things first: Always remember that. Don't lump all your problems together in a pile. Fight the demon in front of the dragon because while you are fighting the dragon the demon will kill you. You have already made a very good first step. You have realized that you are addicted to a substance and your use has become out of your control. It is amazing how many addicts are in denial about the disease they have...yes I believe it is a disease (it is chronic, and progressive, and generally ends in death). Basically you have you foot in the door: You know you have a problem that you cannot help on your own, and are reaching out for help.

Your next step is to start looking for a therapist outside of the public spectrum that works on a sliding scale. Here is where your family is going to have to work with you a little. You may have to out yourself to get them on your side as far as seeking help is concerned financially. Going through public mental health services is like getting dealt a 16 in blackjack and the only way to win is getting extremely lucky. The right therapist is key in making headway in your mental condition. I went through three therapists before I found one that I was comfortable with, and worked with me to come up with a plan to help me. If you are indeed coming back to florida I can get you all the resources you need that are free and I can steer you away from the bogus ones (basically bible based workcamps that just get free labor out of addicts and their form of rehabilitation is going to church seven days a week). Check out Summit Mental Health. They have quite a few psychotherapists and psychiatrists working in that group that specialize in different disorders and they work on a sliding scale. I also know of two really good detox centers here that will not turn people away, as well as a long term rehab that is extremely hard to get into (sixteen beds {which if you break it down it means everyone gets individualized care}). This place changed my life, and it was one of the biggest factors in the way I deal with my life and my illness now. I am doing something I could never have done before this, tapering my benzos on my own with success. I too had many traumatic things happen to me in my life and they helped me to feel all the emotions that I had shut off good and bad.

That is a lot on your plate for right now, so I am going to leave you with a bit of hope because it seems like that is something you really need right now. I have over a year and a month sober after a ~15year opiate addiction. In the end I was drinking, shooting speedballs all day, and abusing my benzos. I am stronger, I have self worth now, I am back to being the kind and caring man that I know I can be, and for once in my life I have hope. If you aren't feeling much hope, just know I have enough hope for both of us, and if you need a little of it PM me.
chef

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Damn, well put sir.