Sex, Sobriety, and Stepwork

Hi all,

I have been in and out of NA for about 2 years now. I love NA and I love my home group and I have always heard about the dangers of dating/screwing people in the program and in your group. I recently met a pretty great young lady who is also getting clean again in my home group and we started hanging out. Last night we fucked and it was intense and great. I like this girl which is why I write this post:

Thoughts? Any words of advice? I am not particularly concerned, as I have always felt myself relatively mature and levelheaded in my relationships with others and I am not worried that it will derail my recovery if things between us go bad. At the same time, I know it is a risk, and I would honestly be more troubled if I caused damage to her recovery. I can not be responsible for damaging someone's future irrevocably again.

We have discussed it and agreed to just be honest and communicative and stay with it one day at a time rather than worry about what may be. I am good with that and she is too (plus the sex is fantastic). Just want to prepare for the possibility things go bad. (I don't think they will but no one ever does, huh?). She and I talk a lot and have a strong but new and growing connection and I am excited at the possibility of a companion in recovery. Still, I don't want to overthink, build expectations that could fuck it up, or put all my eggs in the same basket.

Appreciate your words!

Blesséd Be,

vk

P.S. No worries, babe.

I've never been involved in NA/AA or 12-step groups; but if I were you I would find a different AA/NA group for you to go to, since you're going to continue dating this woman.

I've heard others in AA do the same thing regarding relationships in the program.

If it feels right go for it, just be aware of the potential pitfalls. I've never understood the idea that because you are recovering from addiction you are somehow incapable of being sexuality active or having a successful relationship. It's self-defeating nonsense perpetuated by insecure people projecting their problems on to others.

One of the happiest couples I know met in AA 15 years ago. They have the same priorities and understand sobriety. I really think the restriction is meant for the first year or to prevent situations where a member becomes a predator.

THECATINTHEHAT said:

If it feels right go for it, just be aware of the potential pitfalls. I've never understood the idea that because you are recovering from addiction you are somehow incapable of being sexuality active or having a successful relationship. It's self-defeating nonsense perpetuated by insecure people projecting their problems on to others.

Click to expand...

Good point.
I guess most people judges the entire relationship based on how they react to life while having the same problem.
What happens if one relapses, etc.

Even if you have a fight it will always be different from someone else's perspective. But..
Like you said; do what feels right for you.

Thanks, y'all. Good words. I'm not concerned but I wanted to make sure my line of thinking here wasn't fucking stupid or ridiculous. Sometimes saying shit out loud just helps it make sense or make it all clear.

Blesséd be,
vk

My advice, try to date people who don't have a history of drug abuse. Just my 2c

keep fuckin'

Although yeah, the odds of a bright and happy future for you with another drug addict are...uncertain

I had friends that met in AA. He had been in for a couple of years, she was newer at the time.

At the time I met her (we worked together) I was dabbling in coke. Somehow, to my shock, they asked me if I could get them some. She had the five year charm on her necklace...they were serious AA/NA people. Doing a few lines opened a dark can of worms-they started drinking again doing coke....Long story short they had a 4 or 5yr volatile relationship.

In the end, they split up, he was smoking crack....and lost everything. He had a great job, he lost. They had a nice apt....lost that. It was the saddest thing to watch the downfall. I wasn't an opiate addict yet. I still stayed friends w him. He told me he knew where it went wrong...they got together and shouldn't have.

My advice would be just be careful. I don't think its impossible to meet someone in AA or NA and have it work. But you have to proceed with a fuckton of caution. All the very best to both of you (And she was drinking heavily in the end)

it isn't impossible to date in the program...its just sometimes detrimental because it demands rigorous honesty. However, anonymity is the foundation. I would suggest going to different groups most of the time so that problems that arise in your relationship won't be put on front street.

The biggest things is recognizing relapse mentality before you get to active use...not just in you but in her. Remember your her dude not her dad...there is nothing you can do but express concern if she slips, and vice versa. At the end of the day just be ready to cut ties...recovery can sometimes be a bleak lonely journey.

I always appreciate your words, manboychef. Thank you. Good advice.