Life after benzos; does it get better?

I've been off benzos since February (had a few relapses this summer) and still feel the toll I put my body through. I've gotten past the voices in my head and extreme paranoia. I'm able to work and live my life without too much stress. However there is one major thing still holding me back. My short term memory is total shit. I have conversations with people and can barely follow their story. I read a lot of articles online and barely recall what I just read. I can still remember shit, but not as detailed as it was. Will my memory improve or is this permanent damage I will have to live with? Anyone else get off benzos and regain their memory? I miss mine deeply.

I really feel for you OP, I really do. I can't imagine what that is like, and the idea of benzoyl dependency has always really scared me. From everyone I've ever heard from, particularly people I've known who took high doses for years and years and years seemed to start noticing a significant different with memory between 12 and 24 months. I don't know how you manage it though. From what I understand the vast majority of people are able to regain normal functioning, but it can take years. I believe I've read of some cases of benzo/barb use spanning decades that has left some people pretty bad off though.

Keep giving your brain time to recover. Treat yourself well and try to live as healthy as you can. Stress, sleep disturbances and depression are really important, and can have a very positive impact or negative impact on your recovery. I have a feeling it'll take more than just abstinence for you to get where you want to be.

Bottom line is if you take care of yourself it will. Y9u may not feel quite the same, but you can regain the abilities benzo use has impacted over the long term. Good luck

Thanks for the kinds words. The more I research the more I'm realizing this will take years of dedication to stay benzo free. I was using for 8 years. Benzos made me feel normal. Now I act like a hermit and don't like to socialize in real life. But I can't be trusted with pills anymore. My last relapse was bad. I got 50 etiz in the mail, took 10 pills and hid the rest. I blacked out and during the blackout I took the other 40. I fucking lucky to be alive. It sucks. I have no control. I used to have control. I miss my memory so much. I just have to be patient. Something us addicts suck at. We want instant gratification. This is worse then dope or any other drug. Benzos took a piece of me.

Yea, I could see exactly that happening to myself. That's why I got rid of my temazepam script because for the last year or two I'd just been taking a lot of it for like one or two days with friends until it ran out once a month. Can't get a habit like that, at least in my case, but it wasn't going to end well if I kept going.

ThaDudeAbides said:

Something us addicts suck at. We want instant gratification.

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Ironically, this is why I never abused benzos even though I have a legitimate script for Ativan for my anxiety and panic, but was instead a raging alcoholic. I couldn't wait for the Ativan to kick in whereas the gratification from alcohol is instantaneous.

Did you taper?

Give it about another year.

These threads scare me.

I want drugs without horrific side effects.

Not everyone develops dependency/addiction issues to benzodiazepines. I went a whole year without them, and don't like them enough to develop a habit.

Captain.Heroin said:

Did you taper?

Give it about another year.

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I went to rehab and they had no idea how to handle benzo addiction well IMO. They took my meds away and gave me psych meds and lybrium (not sure on the spelling). The first week was hell. I could not tell the difference from reality and the nightmares I was having. I thought everyone was out to kill me. I didn't trust anyone at rehab and ended up having a major panic attack and going to the hospital twice. To this day I have no idea what really happened that week. I had to have my family help me piece together what happened.

So it's been rough. I had two relapses this summer. Each was just one day of blacking out on benzos. Otherwise I haven't been using daily since February. I feel pretty good. I am able to go to work without the crutch of benzos. It's really nice actually. I've realized the benzos actually increased my stress levels. My anxiety is much better and I'm benzo free. So things are going pretty good. It's just this memory shit really fucks with me.

Give it a year huh? Yea that's what I keep hearing and my shrink tells me. But us addicts aren't patient people lol. I truly hope in the next year or two my memory improves. I don't want to be like this for the rest of my life.

Most rehabs that aren't attached to a hospital don't handle benzo withdrawal very well.

It is funny how some seem much more susceptible to benzo dependency than others. I've taken them on and off for almost a decade and never had an issue, although I never went more than a week or two at the very most taking them every day or at high doses. I generally took high doses of benzos, diazepam and temazepam being my favorites, two to four times a month. My tolerance to benzos is tucking horrible these days, but I can stop them whenever I like (as I did recently with my temazepam) without suffering any I'll effect.

The withdrawal is tucking scary though, enough so I have been able to somehow keep myself in check when I have used them.

I took 400mg of diazepam, actually I did the thomas method and the withdrawal wasn't getting any better, so I took more...I guess I blacked out and took quite a lot more than the four or five I originally intended..next thing I know I am in the psychward....I had been taking benzos for a while and they wouldn't give them to me. I ended up having a seizure and smacking my head. The techs thought I was faking. Thank god a patient came over and helped me. Yeah most psychwards/rehabs that aren't setup for benzo management/dependence will not be of any help.

manboychef said:

I took 400mg of diazepam, actually I did the thomas method and the withdrawal wasn't getting any better, so I took more...I guess I blacked out and took quite a lot more than the four or five I originally intended..next thing I know I am in the psychward....I had been taking benzos for a while and they wouldn't give them to me. I ended up having a seizure and smacking my head. The techs thought I was faking. Thank god a patient came over and helped me. Yeah most psychwards/rehabs that aren't setup for benzo management/dependence will not be of any help.

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My last trip to the phych ward I lied and said I had been taking 4-6mg of Xanax a day for the last year with a failed benzo UA at intake. They gave me a 5 day Ativan taper. Thank god I was lying or I am sure I would have seized out. This was at a major hospital too. I think most places have the attitude that the patients are lying to get benzos until they have a seizure.

I was prescribed benzos for nearly 20 years. I felt like my whole life had been destroyed in coming off of them. The withdrawal has been extremely protracted but it has gotten much better over time. For a while, I was nearly totally crippled, now I just deal with some slight neuropathy and cognitive issues that come and go (without any warnings), some slight twitches and jerkiness in my movements. Everyone heals. Some take longer than others. Check out benzobuddies (dot) org for a support board specifically on this topic. Hope it helps.

I was on benzos for ten years. I took my last benzo 14 Feb 2010. The withdrawal was hell. 6 months after my last benzo it was still getting worse, and I was ready to commit suicide. I could barely function. Having a simple conversation was difficult. I kept repeating myself because I had no memory what-so-ever. I had several grand map seizures during withdrawal, so that could be part of the memory issues, though prior to quitting benzos my memory was not good. However, I stuck it out. Things eventually got better. Life isn't great right now, but it's a whole hell of a lot better than it was, and I can see happiness in my future. I just have to be proactive (hobbies, friends, diet, exercise, etc). Over time, my memory has improved but it is still terrible. I've noticed within the last year that it seems to be improving at a quicker rate, so I am hopeful for the future. my advice to you is to stick it out - it will get better. Until it does, take notes (no being funny, I do it so I don't forget important information - I record everything in my phone so I can quickly refer back).

I'm in the midst of an 8mg xanax 30mg temazepam taper....its slow going, but I am hopeful.

What are you tapering chef?

I just was able to stop taking 30mg temazepam. My insomnia is the same bitch it was before I started taking any serious meds for it, it just that now I'm able to cope better with it. Even if I'm not able to sleep all night, I have taught myself to get some serious rest both psychologically and physically by just peacefully laying in bed for the four-six hours out of the seven-eight hours I force myself to "sleep." Shit, I even stopped taking melatonin and trazodone (well the later is for PTSD, and my symptoms along those lines are infinitely better than they were before).

This is the first time in over a decade I haven't been taking pills at night to help force a state of sleep. I'm not sure exactly why, I imagine it has something to do with a lack of side effects and piece of mind from knowing I'm not creating a state of benzo dependency again, but the ability to rest without absolutely needing to force myself to sleep, the ability to lay there and not let my racing monkey mind spin out of control, well it never ceases to amaze me.

What are your goals with the benzos chef? I know you have mentioned that you'll be on them for a long time to come, and of course if they help there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I'm just curious. Other than my low dose of methadone, the only other medication I take is pregabalin, and that very rarely. I take it for nerve related pain issues, but it has really helped with GAD, panic attacks and some lingering PTSD symptoms.

And btw I'm working on that meditation sticky

nice on the meditation!

I take them because I have OCD and Panic Disorder. Like sometimes I can't control my thoughts and I get into cyclical thinking. At first my intense vigilance and attention to detail made me an amazing chef...I ran restaurants really well all the way up to keeping inventory in my head so when the vendors like cisco and us foods came around I could just tell them my list while I was working...My knowledge of recipes and ability to adapt to situations was amazing....then the other shoe dropped. I started getting the bad effects of the opiates and I started to only have the bad effects from the mental disorders. Like instead of being highly detail oriented I would get fixated on one thing and I wouldn't be able to focus on anything else. I ended up having a panic attack on the line one too many times till finally I had a mental breakdown that put me in the psychward....I take the xanax because it stops the cyclical intrusive thoughts. The problem is it is not working well anymore and I don't want to keep increasing my dose, so I am shaving just a little off each pill when I take it. So far I only have a little anxiety and trembles, but I am hoping that I can get down to a dose, or find a longer acting benzo. The problem with the long acting benzos is I get panic attacks really easily now...and I need the speed that xanax calms me down...but its not even working that well for that anymore. Ugh I wish they could come up with some better therapies and medications for anxiety. Especially OCD...I tried immersion therapy....that shit is just twisted! I thought I was going to have a meltdown. CBT works but there is still that hyper vigilant mode that panic disorder causes and I can go from zero to sixty in two seconds flat....I dunno anymore. Meditation helps...especially guided meditation...therapy is every tuesday half guided meditation half CBT. It is very helpful, but the meds are a big part of it.

Damn, I really can sympathize with your experience with OCD chef. I have my own at time serious issue with hyper vigilance, but in a more focused emotive kind of way. I can't imagine how horrible in must feel to be in that compulsive cycle, where intellectually understand what's going on and not liking it at all but at the same time can't really exert any control over stopping it. So I totally understand the alprazolam, makes sense to me, plus I'd much rather be dependent on Xanax than taking lots of antipsychotic meds...

This is all scary stuff. I'm sorry to hear about these dependence issues, and I think it's terrible doctors don't warn people. I'm currently taking 30mg Temazepam for insomnia, I normally take that dose about 3-4 days per week. Does anyone know if that's enough to develop addiction?

Do you mean addiction or dependency? If you're taking 30mg of temazepam four days a week then chances are, after doing that for six months to a year, you're going to have a really hard time sleeping without it. Now, I don't think that kind of use will lead you to going into really bad withdrawal if you were to suddenly stop taking it, but it would probably still be a bit uncomfortable.

Then again some people seem to be more sensitive to benzo dependency than others. I had been taking 30-60mg of temazepam for insomnia, recreation and self medication pretty frequently, sometimes at muuuuuch higher doses, for just under a year and I was able to stop without comment. Maybe a week or three sleeping without getting that little knockout was, well, a bit of a transition. But It wasnt bad or hard to handle whatsoever.

Take your temazepam as little and infrequently as possible and you'll be totally fine. What you're currently doing doesn't sound too dangerous though. Just remember that the longer you keep taking it, the harder any transition to sleeping without a benzo, or another gabaergic drug like zolpidem, will be.