Can't commit to being sober as a binger

(Poppy Tea) The fact that I chip and binge I think only makes it that much harder. I know most people think well what's the big deal you can go 4 or 5 days without, just stop using but that actually makes it even worse somehow. Like I've earned those two or three days of hedonism.

What's troubling me is that I'm combining it with lots of other drugs like DXM and alcohol lately. I know I can't keep on the way I have indefinitely I need to at least take some sort of break.

One minute I feel like I'm ready to commit to being sober but then the depression kicks in and then I start to feel better but the boredom sets in and I start making excuses.

No point to this except maybe if I make a post I can shame myself into at least not using for this week. It almost feels like I have to use if I don't use up those days I have to wait a whole week to get high.

There are two me's one that wants to say fuck it this is like a medication; you're not hurting anyone else and your improving your life with this stuff you don't lie, cheat or steal like a stereotypical opiate junky. The other knows while it might be helpful at the moment it's not sustainable I can't do this forever and it's not really helpful it relieves anxiety but keeps me from striving for anything better.

I can relate to what your talking about I am in a similar situation with Xanax. I am trying to help myself by identifying the emotions that are driving me to seek refuge in the drug.

I don't have a whole lot of helpful advice as I am confused as shit about my own issues. But your not alone that's for sure. Please be safe in your use. Poppy tea can be tough to regulate dose wise throw in alcohol and dxm and you really need to watch out for respiratory depression.

I also remember what it's like to be there. It took a long time before I was able to move on. I'm honestly not sure what to tell you, other than you're not alone and you can, without any doubt in my mind whatsoever, change your habit for the better.

Honestly, shaming yourself will probably make you feel worse, which will likely lead to you continuing to misuse PPT/PST. Focus on your strengths, what you love, your passions. The more you do that, the easier it will be to focus less on trying to feel good by taking more opiates.

Aw man, don't shame yourself! That's no good! There's no reason to be ashamed - lots of us deal with this exact same thing. I agree that sometimes it's harder to sustain part time use instead of just saying "fuck it" and going full blown junkie style.

Have you thought about counseling to get to the root of your depression? I know that sounds so stupid and canned, but I have found that counseling is helping me a lot with underlying issues of anxiety and depression that led me to use.

Also, I journal a lot. On paper. It helps me see where I have been, where I am going, and what I want to change. It also helps dispel the inner shame that I often feel regarding my drug use. Maybe give it a go!

I wish I had better advice, but you really aren't alone - I think what you are describing is really the root of many people's struggles with addiction and if anything you should be proud that you are at least connected enough with yourself to see that, and want to change.

As I mentioned somewhere else in Sober Living:

"Shame is the most pointless emotion. It's the most surefire way of accomplishing nothing."

Feelings and stories of unworthiness and shame are perhaps the most binding element in the trance of fear. When we believe something is wrong with us, we are convinced we are in danger. Our shame fuels ongoing fear, and our fear fuels more shame. The very fact that we feel fear seems to prove that we are broken or incapable. When we are trapped in trance, being fearful and bad seems to define who we are. The anxiety in our body, the stories, the ways we make excuses, withdrawal or lash out — these become to us the self that is most real.

Click to expand...

from Tara Beach's book, Radical Acceptance

crimsonjunk said:

I can relate to what your talking about I am in a similar situation with Xanax. I am trying to help myself by identifying the emotions that are driving me to seek refuge in the drug.

I don't have a whole lot of helpful advice as I am confused as shit about my own issues. But your not alone that's for sure. Please be safe in your use. Poppy tea can be tough to regulate dose wise throw in alcohol and dxm and you really need to watch out for respiratory depression.

Click to expand...

Thanks

toothpastedog said:

I also remember what it's like to be there. It took a long time before I was able to move on. I'm honestly not sure what to tell you, other than you're not alone and you can, without any doubt in my mind whatsoever, change your habit for the better.

Honestly, shaming yourself will probably make you feel worse, which will likely lead to you continuing to misuse PPT/PST. Focus on your strengths, what you love, your passions. The more you do that, the easier it will be to focus less on trying to feel good by taking more opiates.

Click to expand...

I've quit before for long periods of time. Honestly I don't really have any passions or loves which is part of the problem. When I'm high it's the only time I feel relief from the horrors of life.

dognasher said:

Aw man, don't shame yourself! That's no good! There's no reason to be ashamed - lots of us deal with this exact same thing. I agree that sometimes it's harder to sustain part time use instead of just saying "fuck it" and going full blown junkie style.

Have you thought about counseling to get to the root of your depression? I know that sounds so stupid and canned, but I have found that counseling is helping me a lot with underlying issues of anxiety and depression that led me to use.

Also, I journal a lot. On paper. It helps me see where I have been, where I am going, and what I want to change. It also helps dispel the inner shame that I often feel regarding my drug use. Maybe give it a go!

I wish I had better advice, but you really aren't alone - I think what you are describing is really the root of many people's struggles with addiction and if anything you should be proud that you are at least connected enough with yourself to see that, and want to change.

Click to expand...

I've been to years of counseling but the problem is I don't feel I can do the work. This last stint of me getting addicted started up as soon as I was finishing up with counseling and getting ready to actually start doing something and move ahead in life. I have severe crippling social anxiety. From what I've gathered it's either change or die but I am a sad, defeated thing I choose to die. See the thing is deep down I don't want to quit. But I know what's waiting for me if I don't change my life. It's a horrific hell being able to see all this.

toothpastedog said:

As I mentioned somewhere else in Sober Living:

"Shame is the most pointless emotion. It's the most surefire way of accomplishing nothing."



from Tara Beach's book, Radical Acceptance

Click to expand...

Yeah it's probably not the best motivation in the world but I seem to be out of options. Anyways I at least lasted out two days which is a whole week, more than I've ever been able to do. I feel really good, withdrawal is gone now but I plan on using. At least it will only be one day instead of multiple days redosing. I'm excited and giddy like I'm in love; thinking about getting high... I know this isn't normal but I can't help myself.

Acceptance, surrendering, whatever you want to call it I don't seem capable of doing it. It's like I would rather die.

I'm excited and giddy like I'm in love; thinking about getting high... I know this isn't normal but I can't help myself.

Whats not normal about that? I feel like that all the time.

I suppose your problem is, for lack of better words, that you haven't experienced big enough downsides to your binges, except for your own shaming of being outside the social norm. Downsides like physical dependency, truly hurting people around you, issues with money, health and so on. You're on a path that might very well lead to such problems eventually though. So I believe you're right when you say your binge consumption only makes it harder for you to quit completely. There are very few wake up calls if any when your drug consumption is like this.

You mentioned one crucial thing in your original post though, that you start making excuses when the boredom sets in. I understand that you have social anxiety and probably aren't the outgoing type either, considering your drug(s) of choice, but perhaps try find a new hobby to keep you occupied and distracted whenever the cravings hit? There has to be something you've always dreamed of doing, I suggest you start working towards that.

FnX said:

I suppose your problem is, for lack of better words, that you haven't experienced big enough downsides to your binges, except for your own shaming of being outside the social norm. Downsides like physical dependency, truly hurting people around you, issues with money, health and so on. You're on a path that might very well lead to such problems eventually though. So I believe you're right when you say your binge consumption only makes it harder for you to quit completely. There are very few wake up calls if any when your drug consumption is like this.

Click to expand...

Yeah I've never been to a 12 step but I've heard of other people at my level and that's what they get told... honestly I never see myself getting in any trouble for my substance abuse. It's secondary to my mental illness unlike most drug addicts. I would quit immediately if it became a problem or effected my health, I'm not posturing I've done this before when i've had to when I've been even more in the depths of addiction.

You mentioned one crucial thing in your original post though, that you start making excuses when the boredom sets in. I understand that you have social anxiety and probably aren't the outgoing type either, considering your drug(s) of choice, but perhaps try find a new hobby to keep you occupied and distracted whenever the cravings hit? There has to be something you've always dreamed of doing, I suggest you start working towards that.

Click to expand...

Everything i want to do involves some sort of social contact. I've thrown myself into weight lifting/healthy living but that still doesn't do anything for me. I feel great but it doesn't fix my social anxiety. At the end of the day I have to do the work and I don't want to I just don't feel I can't... but I'm suffering because of it because I know I'm going to end up suffering even more as time goes on, ending up sad and alone. This is insanity. Oh well this is going nowhere fast... thanks for your support guys. This is just turning to a pity party which I don't want.

ive been going through the same thing for the last 18 months or so. maybe even 2 years now. i know how you feel. each binge takes more and more out of me and i feel more guilty after each one. but i can easily go 2-3 weeks inbetween uses with no cravings or nothing. i feel like this period of use is worse than when i was using every day for years. it just seems harder to kick. thankfully i havent experienced any withdrawals but the mental stuff from these binges, imo is worse than physical wd and ive been through some bad wds. i was bingin like 5 days a month, now ive cut it down to 1 day, but i cant seem to let go of that day. its rough. wish i had advice for you but im going through the same thing. i eat well, exercise, work, etc.. too. i havent found the core reason of why i use drugs, maybe i need therapy for that, but once i do and work on the why, i know ill be able to give up that binge day