Learning to Let things, People etc just be what they are....

Hi All BlueLighters, Greenlighters:

The problem is this....everything is relative to what a person is dealing with-their perception etc. I learned in rehab, from my favorite nurse, that there was a study done on people that were detoxing One was a wealthy group of people that had every single resource available to be as comfortable as possible. The other group had pretty much nothing, an had to do it w minimal resources. The group w minimal resources fared much better. Had better attitudes etc. The nurse asked us "Why do you think that is?" I said "their experience" and that's it. Wealthy people are accustomed to not having to be uncomfortable-at all...so the least bit of discomfort is HORRIBLE. When one is accustomed, for a lack of a better way to put it "suck it up"...well, they do.

I had a particularly difficult, traumatic detox and experience. I must learn, that when others are speaking about their experiences, and in my mind, I'm thinking "Holy shit...I wish I had that easy of a detox, etc"....I have to let them have their experience without feeling this way.

And, for me, that is the lesson, and it's hard as hell. No eye rolling (in my mind, not literally, I'm not that rude)....and just let it go. I''m just struggling with that one.

I wonder if anyone else is. It seems like a lot of the moderators are past this...and I admire that. How did you get to that place I wonder is all.

Our outside environment is becoming more and more judgmental about everything from class to political views to personal ways of experiencing the world. It seems that there is no arena of life in which we are not taught to vie for a gold star (and that means someone else doesn't get it). Even in terms of suffering people have a tendency to qualify their own suffering as more or less than that of someone else. While in a certain way there is a truth in this (losing a child is not like losing your canine companion) overall, suffering is suffering and there is no need to even compare. Still, it's a struggle not to.

In a way I would say that life had to brutally kick all the judgment out of me. When my son died of an overdose, I felt like 1) a complete failure as a parent 2) responsible by everything I had ever done or failed to do to the point that I should be looked at as a criminal 3) basically as a failure of a human being. Before his death I felt like a decent person and a good mother. The fall was a hard one and it was only when I began to practice empathy with other parents that had lost children to despair did I begin to understand that compassion for others is hollow when you cannot apply that same compassion to yourself. (Likewise your judgments of others is hollow if you cannot hold yourself to the same standards.) Once your whole framework shifts to one of compassion for the human frailty in every one of us, it cannot ever go back. We all stumble through our lives trying to untangle what is inside and to find harmony with what is outside. Who am I to judge the size of the rock some else stumbles on?


This doesn't mean I do not make any value judgments at all. It is very important for us to understand our own levels of privilege that come with our particular lives. Maybe it is our class or simply we got to have an easygoing nature as opposed to someone that overthinks everything and worries excessively. Maybe it is something physical--like having a great constitution or a non-addictive brain or even being what is considered to be beautiful in your particular culture. Adopting a non-judgmental attitude does not mean insisting that the playing field is equal because it most certainly is not! It simply means that you meet people where they are and give them the respect for their experience that you would want for your own.

I think that it is so commendable that you had this insight about yourself and took it on as a challenge. Your openness is a very solid strength.Humility is not the same as feeling guilty about yourself. Humility means recognizing that your own view is limited and doing what you can to expand it. Bluelight has done so much for me in that regard. Raising my son who struggled so much with his own emotions and thoughts taught me so much as well. You can never truly know another person's experience but by simply wanting to know it to the best of your ability from the outside you can begin to create bridges rather than the walls we are conditioned to make.

BTW, in your example of the wealthy vs the financially struggling having an easier time with recovery, you could look at it as those more used to having to struggle and living with discomfort actually had an advantage that made it easier in this instance. A great lesson in how life is always turning tables on us!

Just hooray, you made it! Money is still the best known lubricant in w̶e̶s̶t̶e̶r̶n̶ ̶s̶o̶c̶i̶e̶t̶y̶ society. I hear the US centers like to get god involved which would make it fun, being a Bahá'I. I'm sorry to tell you that life IS suffering. Just leave the planet better, in your own way. That's it - I NEVER lend money - I give it as part of the Pass it Forward movement.

If there is anything I can do to help,
Just ask
CC

I love discussions about learning to become more equanimous (meaning able to let thing be as they are, and by definition allowing one's self to experience life as it is, one moment at a time). This is probably one of the most challenging skills to learn in western society. We constantly run away from ourselves and our world. We constantly cling to pleasant sensations while trying to always avoid unpleasant one. It's a fruitless task, as there will always be unpleasant sensations and pain in one's life (although not necessarily constantly), just as it's impossible to experience pleasure and pleasant sensations all the time. Actually, this problem has a lot to do with how addiction and problematic drug use can happen.

Check out the book, Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach. It's probably my favorite lay person's book on this subject (the subtitle might sound cheesy, but the book is fantastic and easy to read). Infinitely useful. Brach has written a number of other more advanced books on equanimity and dealing with painful emotions too.