WITHDRAWAL and TAPER - ALCOHOL DAY 3

i dont have many people to talk to actually found more support from my fellow brothers here more so than my own family
even me posting this helps even if no one sees this or even responds
2 yrs ago i turned into an alcoholic after dealing with anxiety and panic disorder for the past 9 yrs
decided to self medicate with booze i know its the worst thing you can do but shit after years of suffering with shitty times booze actually gave me some type of relief
yr one was crazy went from a 12oz can of beer a night to 8 to 12 beers a night it got to the point i would start drinking around lunch time
after i somehow took a step back and looked at my life i knew things were gonna go downhill even more
so i decided to check myself in into a detox center for 7 days no one in my family knew no friends only my parents knew anything
shit why should everytime i ever brought up me saying i needed help everyone looked at me like i was a freak

to be fair those 7 days in detox was actually amazing i was so drugged up with valium i actually felt normal like i was a visitor of sorts
finally got out but after 2 weeks i was actually living sober i was sleeping more less anxiety less crap on my mind but that day that day my mother had a stroke
wont go into details she is still alive but as soon as i got home from the hospital that day .....
the only thing i could think of was running back to my old best friend so again i started drinking
since January i actually somehow managed to limit myself never going past 6 beers then the past months 4 to 6 beers depending which i am currently trying to keep bringing it down
i went against my better judgement and talked to my doc which actually said it was ok to go CT but that i would feel like complete shit for the first 3 days and was told to take xanax not even given klonopin or valium
the reason i am tapering is because i am scared shitless to have a seizure

tuesday day 1 i drank 2x 16 oz and a 12 oz as i was super sleepy but woke up with crazy anxiety
weds day 2 drank 2x 16oz and 6 oz of beer actually felt good physically but crazy anxiety massive cravings for alcohol
thursday (today) day 3 felt even better physically but again with crazy anxiety and crazy cravings for a beer currently on my first 16 oz
hopefully i can bring it down to 2x 16 oz today

i honestly cant see going CT can only imagine the anxiety ill exp
will edit this as i progress the next few days
i know the amount i am driking doesnt seem like a lot but i know its affecting me physically
but just in case i do have valium standing by

Is there any way that you can get some help from a professional to deal with the anxiety. It seems doomed to fail if you are trying to give up self-medicating but you are just going to experience horrible anxiety when you do. What have you already tried in the past if anything?

I think it's great that you are tapering--no doubt the alcohol is one of the worst to quit (its always available). Still, I think you need some emotional support for the feelings that make you want to drink.

Oh man, this story reminds me of myself. In fact, if you google "tapering alcohol with alcohol" a thread I started is the third result. I always found I could taper off, however, I would almost immediately start drinking again because I had some deep truths about myself that I was unable to accept. Once I realized that I would never be able to control my drinking life got much much more interesting.