turning away from mainstream recovery

hey, BL! i currently quit opiates cold turkey (i had an oxy habit) and though i am still drinking, i have cut down my drinking by a lot. like every human being with a life, i have a lot on the line if i don't stop this habit, and i want to be done with it.

the annotated version of my story is that i grew up with a heroin addict father, and a sister who was heavily favored over me and our brother. my mother sent my brother and i to live with our abusive uncle, while she kept my sister and traveled the world with her... anyway, she paid for my sister's car, school, etc., never gave me or my brother shit. my sister ends up addicted to heroin & benzos and just about anything, and i get the stupid idea as a young woman to try to get addicted to get my mother's attention and love. turns out she just rejects me and doesn't care, but puts my sister through rehab and stays with her through every relapse. well, i'm over trying to get my mother's love now, and that's not why i'm here exactly.

i want to repair my relationship with my brother. i stole, lied, and manipulated repeatedly for my habit because of him and even drove while drunk many times. my brother had years of patience with me, and he's never hurt me... but he set his boundary and cut me off. i want his love back, because he's my best friend and has always been the most respectable man i know.

the catch is that while i feel hopeful about my addiction recovery, i don't feel hopeful about relationship recovery or my mental health. the problem is i don't buy what 12 steps and NA/AA has taught me. i understand i've had shame and self-loathing and have a sickness, but most people have shame and self-loathing about things that aren't addicts. even people with MIs or depression or PDs. does that excuse lying and using someone and taking advantage of people? i find the treatment very coddling, so it bothers me. i feel like i need to accept that i was a despicable person and can only atone by being a good person. i don't buy that i was powerless, and i don't feel i should be treated like glass. i feel like what i learned in recovery made my relationship worse with my brother, because he became frustrated at me when i'd parrot what i learned and say i wasn't taking real accountability.

at this point, i do consider ending my life often. probably nightly. i think it's because i've seen who i really am, who i really can be, and i can't reconcile it with the person i've always wanted to be. i always wanted to know i'd do the right thing, that i'd be a good and respectable person, but i'm not. i feel resentful when others try to hold my hand through it and tell me i was powerless and sick as if the truth will break me. though i suffered and lost so much, to be honest... at least i could escape my feelings. i could have great emotions surge through me and party while others deny themselves of that no matter how bad it gets. so i just can't really weep for myself.

as expected, i didn't last in group because of this, and i'm now trying to do things on my own. i've been off oxy for 6 months starting tonight, but alcohol has been harder to get rid of. i don't miss opiates. i haven't had a using urge and feel nothing but disgust about it. but the bottle is harder to get rid of. the only time i want to go back to oxy is to mix it up with booze and end it all.

i guess i'm just looking for success stories on people who were uncomfortable with 12-step stuff and ended up doing "tough love" recovery on themselves, including not making any excuses or not trying this soft-hearted "forgiveness" of oneself. i'm not going to fool myself about who i was when i was addicted and turn myself into a victim. i victimized others. i might sound insane, but my anger at myself is what made me stop opiates so much and what's made me make some impressive strides in my drinking. i believe once i stop doing my current job (dancing), i will stop drinking, and i'm almost ready to leave the business.

was anyone else ever really uncomfortable with the dynamic of mainstream AA/NA recovery talk? i was only able to quit opiates when i left group. does anyone have any interesting trials or tests they put themselves through to help in recovery?

Hi, favoriteson, and welcome to Sober Living.

First of all, congratulations on kicking the opiates. Second, I'm glad you took a chance and shared your story with us on Bluelight. I think you'll find a lot of folks who didn't find that any 12-step programs were for them. There are alternatives out there, to include what you called "tough love" self-recovery (love the name -- it suits).

I quit a dangerous methamphetamine addiction without any programs -- it was a mix of hitting rock bottom, feeling a tremendous amount of shame, and wanting to (like you) reconnect with my family and old friends. I tapered down, and then cold turkeyed it. a few months later I met a girl, a year later I married her. (A few years later we divorced, but that's another story.)

I've never been to a 12 step meeting in my life - I find the whole philosophy really un-empowering and counterproductive (although having never been to a meeting, it's possible I'm judging it prematurely, but what I've read about it has been enough to put me off the concept fairly hard).

Personally I just reached the point where I realized I wanted to do more with my life than waste it looking for the next bag full of something to shoot up and through a combination of therapy, medication, self-development and lifestyle changes I slowly cut down on the drug use and replaced it with more worthwhile pursuits. It took a few years, a lot of ups and downs and a huge shift in the way I view the world, myself and my drug use, but I eventually got to a point where I feel I'm in decent control of my drug use.

I could go into arguing with you about the language of 12-step but that would be pointless. I just hate to see you call yourself a despicable person though I would be the first to say that stealing and lying and whatever else you did to the people you truly love was no doubt despicable behavior. But what we do at any given time in our lives and who we truly are are not the same thing. You obviously feel great remorse and you accept responsibility for your life so how are you such a terrible person? It does sound to me like you are beating yourself up a lot for a response to a lot of childhood pain. That's not being a victim; that is looking at what happened from the point of view of human psychology and early childhood development. You don't need to use your childhood as an excuse for anything but you also should not be so quick to blame yourself for the fallout from it. Just keep doing what you are doing--sounds like you have a plan and strategies to get there.

If you are feeling suicidal that means your pain is reaching a tipping point. Don't stuff it down and try to out-tough it by acting like it isn't there. Never works. Use all that toughness inside and face it, learn to talk back to it. Good luck and let us know how it's going.

I don't think there is anything wrong with turning away from mainstream recovery. However that doesn't mean turning away from professional help. I really think you should look into therapy for your self esteem and co dependancy issues. I have gotten a lot out of talk therapy once I found the right therapist.

There really is no such thing as "mainstream recovery". Everyone needs to find what works for them. There is a huge variance within 12 step meetings as well. This really isn't the place to debate 12 step programs. Frankly, when I admitted I was powerless over my addiction (aka I cannot use drugs successfully) then I became much more powerful in other facets of my life. My addiction totally dominated everything in my life, including my relationships with family and how they viewed me and how I dealt with them.

For me, relationships were not repaired until I got clean. Relationships take time to get clean. Everyone has guilt and shame, but I used over mine. It sounds like you have some really extreme guilt going on.

Listen, if you are suicidal you really need to take it seriously. It really concerns me that you state that you consider ending your life nightly. You sound like you are in a pretty dark place. I personally think you should go talk to a professional immediately. In fact, if one feels suicidal they should go to the ER asap. Seeking out help was the bravest and "toughest" thing I ever did. It was the best decision I ever made.