Will it get better? Coming off of 10 years of OXY, my brief story

I've almost lost track of how long I've been an Oxycontin addict. Since I had a lot of income, I never hit a rock bottom as some people do (stealing, going in and out of WD)---but it sure took a toll on my income (I had enough to live comfortably, do drugs, not save anything). IT hurt my life in many other ways too, like losing friends, my health suffering, etc etc. I think in 2003 we started with vicodins, and in 2 years it became Oxy. I am 30.

THe last time I tried to quit--- I lasted about 12 hours on suboxone, felt miserable--stopped taking it, and took oxy after oxy anxiously waiting for the subs to wear off so I could feel it. The 3 days felt like an eternity. That must of been 6 years ago, and I never bothered since.

This time--- years later, I met a girl I love. I hid my addiction from her, some way-- some how--- but now we're moving in together on 9/1/15 to an apartment. I realized that if I move in with her an Oxy addict, our relationship will be destroyed and I'll regret it forever. So, I decided to switch to subs before the move in date. It's been about 24 hours since i took my first suboxone dose, and 48 hours since my last Oxy. I had a 800mg/day habbit, and feared suboxone was too weak to control it. I was right. Last night I writhed in agony, kicking and squirming--unable to sit still-- and all that other crap. It was horrendous. My love for my gf is the only thing stopping me from relapsing. I took so much xanax & clonidine I couldn't walk, talk, speak, text, read, and knocked things over around the room. I feel that I almost overdosed on them, because I wasn't aware that clonidine was to be taken sparingly and not mixed wtih benzos unless wtih caution. I am glad I didn't die.

The morning I woke up without any of the withdrawals I had the night before, or major ones at least.... miraculously. Just the awful hangover from Benzos & Clonidine that I desperately took to help my withdrawals. However, I've been so depressed all I can do is lay in bed all day. All I can think of is thoughts like, "You were happiest on Oxy, your personality will never be the same because you were more fun when you felt so good on drugs all the time!".... I just feel like my head is always going to have this hole in it that can't be filled and I'll always be sad & longing for Oxy. A friend told me to get on Wellbutrin, I've never been depressed but I might try that. Before OXY, I was a happy kid. I never needed drugs to feel good. Will I ever be myself again? Is this just temporary? Even with the prospect of moving in with my GF, something is telling me to just relapse and tell her I'm an OXY addict and to love me for who I am. Deep down I know that's a horrible idea though.

Thanks for any advice or support/.

Yes, i quit opiates a couple of years ago after a ~9 year habit - and things do get better.
It takes time, dedication and perseverance - but your brain and body will recover.
Its hard to see that while you are still actively addicted, but you've got the right idea; addiction is a really simple way to fuck up good relationships.
Keep at it man, it will take time - but your mind and body do adjust to being opioid-free.

I would guess subs wouldn't be enough to control a habit that size, did you try the full 32mg?

In short, the answer is yes you very well most likkely will be 'yourself' again to all intents and purposes. Ten years is a long time though, it's only reasonable to expect that you're not going to be exactly the same person as you were before you started ussing. That would be true irrespective of what you had been doing in the interim though.

You're right staying on the oxy and telling her to get on with it is a pretty poor idea, to have hidden using from her is one thing but that would essentially be changing the deal she has signed up to. Being in a relationship with a hard drug addict isn't something that many people are prepared to take on. Maybe this is a chance at starting to build some stability and change your behaviour patterns in a way that will get you away from using though? If you can't manage the detox now then maybe methadone might be useful, try a period on that whilst settling with her and building towards a detox when you are more prepared and have better foundations? Methadone is not something to jump on at the drop of a hat though, avoid it if you can.

Either way you should probably have a conversation with your gf about what is going on for you, it's going to come out soon whether you like it or not if you are moving in together and it's better it happens under your control and with honesty and sincerity imo. The support from her might be the thing you need to make a solid plan towards getting clean too.

Hey man I'm almost 26 been at it hardcore for many years, and the initial sickness will suck but it'll "life after opiates" in which you find obscenely difficult as why I've never stopped yet for a long time. Learning to live without opiates is hard as fuk and coming off a 10 year run you are in for a rude awakening as I'm sure your starting to notice. It's a brutal climb out of the depths of despair but many have done it and you can to. This may sound crazy but does your girlfriend even know the real you? You've been high on cloud 9 for a decade. Probably super boyfriend never mad never anything cuz really you were fukd up. You probably don't even know who you are.

My point is, if it were me, knowing the long road you face, would either come clean to your girl, (but fib a bit and say something like it's only been 3 years on and off. Ppl might not agree with the lying to your gf there, but it's a half truth and if you say you been keeping this for a decade she prob leaning you, come on ) go to a sub doctor or maybe better off try a rehab facility if you got time and money, and progress slowly.

Because there is no doubt in my mind as addict to addict having 2 HUGEEE events in ones life (getting clean after TEN YEARS) moving in with significant other) along with trying to fit in work, family, friends, insomnia for a while, depression, and the fact of you or your gf not knowing the real you because of this addiction would make any addict overwhelmed as fuk and fall right back in harder then ever until you lose your money, place, love.

This may sound all doom and gloom but like I said it's possible but only if you get the right support group and so on. Your fooling yourself if you think people won't notice a change in you if you been high for a decade.

My favorite saying i can't remember where I heard it, is "You really can't tell when somebody is on drugs, but you sure as hell can tell when somebody is off them" and it rings very true. I'm not talking about acid n shut cuz obviously you'd know something was up. So o hope you know what o mean. The change in your attitude, just the expressions on your face, and many many other aspects will be different once off drugs.

You know that chick flick you didn't mind watching with your girl high as fuk holding her laughing, yeaaa well do it after this 10 year run, you won't want too lol, and the change will be astonishing.

But if you can get the right support group, let your girl or family help you then you stand a chance. If you think your gonna clean up on your own while having to continue to lie about things your kidding yourself.

It's your addiction telling you to relapse. No offense you say "the love for my gf stops me from relapse" but dude your a out to let someone you love move on and start a life with a 10 year drug addict!!!! Without saying nothing.

Your going to need doctor, therapy, maybe meetings because your girl won't be able to relate. Maybe .000001% can solve a 10 year hAbit in the ink of an eye and never look back, but I'm yet to see it.

And don't start taking other drugs cuz a friend said too, I'm sure that's what got us here no?

You sound like a cool dude, I wish you the best, I hope you don't find what I said offensive i just try to speak truth even if it's hard to read or accept. I've lived/living it.

Experience- 19-21..Oxy
21-24 IV Heroin
24-26 (current) Oxy/sub
7 years


PM me anytime

Will your life get better if you keep using? Almost assurdly no, if I were in your position I would move in and then get caught using. It eventually is going to happen. My ex was very very close to moving in with me, then I started to get suspicious and sure enough I caught her smoking crack. She is doing much better now, but it was a very painful experience. It would have been far worse had some moved in though.

You say you haven't "hit rock bottom" but that is a relative turn. Everyone's bottom is different and you don't have to bottom to get clean. That being said, a 10 year habit is likely going to require you going to treatment.

Many addicts (myself included) can quit for decent periods of time. I even had a few years where I quit, but I would always go back to using. I was not happy when not using so of course I would use. It wasn't until I started taking recovery very seriously that I had success. That success was contigent on me being willing to do anything to get clean. That is what it takes for me. My life is built around my recovery, now that I have some time its not constant, but when I first got clean it was all I did and focus on.

So that is the question you must ask yourself, what are you willing to do to get clean. Its not easy and takes sacrifice. Getting off drugs is relatively easy when compared to learning how to live life without them.