I am strong enough

As I'm sitting here depressed, scared, lonely, lost in the abyss of a past life, wishing for what could have been.. I look back at my wicked former self, everything i went through, every time I wished for everything to end, and it just makes me hurt so damn deeply that i can't go back and tell myself, everything will work out in time. Even though I'm still in the process of believing that myself, and i wouldn't have listened anyway. But i have to wonder what it would have been like if just one person told me that i can do this. Doesn't matter what, just that i fucking can! None of that matters of course, what does matter is every second after any given present time. I was basically raised with out discipline, and at the time, it was a terrible decision for my mom to Make. And I'll be the first to tell you, at times, she was incredibly irresponsible. But, again, none of that matters. She raised me single handedly, and i was one rotten fucking bastard. I forgive her completely for not being perfect. I just hope she forgives me for being The Morning Starr. After everything, I made it. Every half-assed hissy fit, to every suicide attempt, and I'm still here. One month ago today, i packed my mental baggage and checked the fuck out. Except I woke up. And for the first time in many years, i remembered what it was like to be alive. One month ago today, i was slave to addiction, and couldn't even look myself in the mirror without wanting to destroy the creature looking back at me. But even with all this regret and pain, I would have probably done it all over again. Not anymore. Today i finally realized I am strong enough. I AM strong enough. I CAN do this. I can do anything. If you ever doubt yourself and feel like you want to die, take just 5 minutes, wipe away the tears, and look back at every time you knew you wouldn't Make it another 5 minutes. Well, you did, and you can Make it another 5. You can do anything you set your mind to, overcome any obstacle. There's ALWAYS someone who loves you, even if you don't know who. Suicide isn't painless, when it leaves everyone in pain.


Sorry about not spacing into paragraphs, i wrote this the other day on my notepad. Hope you enjoy, and try not to cry like a bitch like I did while writing it!!

that was really good thanks for posting this

Thanks, I'm glad you liked it!

Wow, that brought tears to my eyes. Congrats on being one month clean. I'm halfway there myself.
We can do it We ALL can.

~Verri

I've been on Bluelight for almost 4 years and if anything my faith in everyone here--and anyone deep in active addiction--is stronger than ever. People like you give me that faith. I work with kids and I notice that some kids just can't hear "you can do it". They are already so convinced that they are not capable that no amount of hearing those words from well meaning people on the outside seems to have any affect. And yet you always hear people say in hindsight, "if that one adult had not believed in me...." and then go on to say how much it mattered over time. So, the paradox is that the voice that says 'you can' has to be your own voice but hearing it from others when you are young is powerful even when it might not seem that way. Thanks for being that voice for others but mostly congratulations on believing that for yourself.

Very good. Nicely put!

Papaverium said:

Wow, that brought tears to my eyes. Congrats on being one month clean. I'm halfway there myself.
We can do it We ALL can.

~Verri

Click to expand...

I know.. I read your posts yesterday. I'm also on my own path, 40 days.
Good luck for all of us!

Yes, WikkedScarekrow, YOU can do it!