please help me not to take Heroin

Hi guys

i'm Abi. I'm 33, a farmer, a competitive high performance rower and the owner of a successful laboratory business.
I have always had a mental health issues and struggled if i'm honest with the attraction of something to help numb the shit I have to deal with. I have worked every day of my life to support my mother and the family farm. Even at university I had no money and was having to come home a lot to work on the farm. I've never really been happy.

I guess I fit fairly well into the demographic of people at risk of drug abuse and addiction.

I recently started dating someone that used to be a fairly big time user of just about every drug under the sun I think. She's 36 now and has a daughter and has been clean for years but i'm intimidated by the fact that she has had a lot of fun with drugs and I've never had a day's fun in my life.

She gets cross with me because I judge her for being a former dealer and user. I don't mind so much if she'd just taken a bit of coke, but to have supplied heroin is not nice for people that are susceptible. But the other thing she can't understand is that by seeing her now as a successful woman and a good mother it makes it look like it's perfectly ok to shoot up a load of smack every day for years with no issues or risks. Which has made me go from a position of being ok to having just been out and got a 1g of heroin and a heap of coke off the darkweb, and a load of stuff from Exchange Supplies to shoot up. She's also made me think it's ok to dope myself up on a load of amphetamines to try to cope with depression and just because I'd actually quite like to enjoy a few minutes/hours of this happiness thing that other people talk about.

this is a slippery slope i'm on here isn't it...

How do I cope? Does anyone have any words of advice? Please?

If I get drugs tested then that's my rowing career over in a heartbeat.
I'd be shooting up heroin alone which obvs has its risks.

Abi x

these types of threads.... sheeesh.

"help me not do H"?? wtf?? In what way? Obv u know it's a bad idea. You went out n got coke and needles n wtf?? If this woman jumped off a bridge everyday and survived would you be tempted to do it since she got away with it???

Don't look at her as your safety net please. That's down right unintelligent. Using drugs to deal with your problems is also pointless. It'll OBVIOUSLY cause more problems like??? shit idk?? maybe being an ADDICT???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

all my frustration are in those ???????????????????? Please go to sleep and re-think this horrible idea. If you so wanna deal with your problems through substance abuse drink a damn beer or smoke a joint. Not a good idea but beats shooting H and WASTING money on the dark web.

good luck

Oh for goodness sake don't be so daft...of course I wouldn't jump off bridges dickhead. there's no enjoyment in that is there! It's the fact that she got high and had fun and experienced happiness for a while. And has demonstrated to me that there's no apparent risk because there she is fine and dandy.

I most certainly don't see her as a safety net either. I'm on my own in this world, I know that much, I don't ever rely on other people or turn to other people. I was thinking about getting rid of her.

LOL ok then. Go ahead and do the drugs then. Since that's clearly what you're gonna do. Why'd you even make a thread?? Would have any of us been able to even talk you out?? What was your purpose with this???

Because you already know how stupid the idea is..... jesus what a waste. Maybe I should have not said anything???

SO leme be a lil humble again.

Do not use drugs to deal with your emotional problems as they will cause more problems.
Far less H as this is a horrible drug to jump into with needles.
just because she got high and had fun and experienced happiness for a while "and has demonstrated to you because she is fine and dandy DOES NOT MEAN THAT YOU WILL BE THE SAME. this is you using her as a safety net to justify you using the same dangerous drugs she is using.

Please become a little more educated on drugs before you lose an arm on your first speedball attempt

Are you on meds for your mental health? Sounds like some of those issues are at play here.

It can be intimidating to date someone who is experienced but if you start using, you're either going to use her because she is clean, or tempt her to use.

Have more self respect. Nobody can keep you from using.

I suppose what I'm asking for is advice on how other people have managed to stay away, or how they've beaten it.

I'm not looking for potatoman to just log on and give me a bollocking for being stupid. You've obviously been in the same situation yourself before and you use now

No I don't take any medication at the moment. Self respect is also something I've never really had either! haha

what do you mean???

obviously the only way to stay away from it is self-control.

not by buying dope on the dark web. No, that won't help at all.

It's not hard to stay away from bad things.

ESPECIALLY H. Pros vs Cons

Pros: Euphoria
Cons: addiction, emotional detachment, depression, irritability, lowered pain threshold, changes in physical appearance, damage to body etc... the list goes on.

dude, give me all your heroin. there, problem solved?

either that or next time you're out rowing chuck that shit into the lake and row on, row on into the wide open horizon.

tigerlillie said:

Hi guys

i'm Abi. I'm 33, a farmer, a competitive high performance rower and the owner of a successful laboratory business.
I have always had a mental health issues and struggled if i'm honest with the attraction of something to help numb the shit I have to deal with. I have worked every day of my life to support my mother and the family farm. Even at university I had no money and was having to come home a lot to work on the farm. I've never really been happy.

I guess I fit fairly well into the demographic of people at risk of drug abuse and addiction.

I recently started dating someone that used to be a fairly big time user of just about every drug under the sun I think. She's 36 now and has a daughter and has been clean for years but i'm intimidated by the fact that she has had a lot of fun with drugs and I've never had a day's fun in my life.

She gets cross with me because I judge her for being a former dealer and user. I don't mind so much if she'd just taken a bit of coke, but to have supplied heroin is not nice for people that are susceptible. But the other thing she can't understand is that by seeing her now as a successful woman and a good mother it makes it look like it's perfectly ok to shoot up a load of smack every day for years with no issues or risks. Which has made me go from a position of being ok to having just been out and got a 1g of heroin and a heap of coke off the darkweb, and a load of stuff from Exchange Supplies to shoot up. She's also made me think it's ok to dope myself up on a load of amphetamines to try to cope with depression and just because I'd actually quite like to enjoy a few minutes/hours of this happiness thing that other people talk about.

this is a slippery slope i'm on here isn't it...

How do I cope? Does anyone have any words of advice? Please?

If I get drugs tested then that's my rowing career over in a heartbeat.
I'd be shooting up heroin alone which obvs has its risks.

Abi x

Click to expand...

Once you use Heroin, you will want to do it all the time. Think about it all the time. You won´t forget. You will get addicted. You will be addicted for the rest of your life.
No other pleasures may give you that feeling and you will be broke, sad, regretful and then you will die wishing not to have done it ever.
Why don´t you Google about this, see the pictures. How you may become in your future. No family, no self-respect, everything for a dose.

And the questions will always be:
Why did I do it to myself? what would I want such a miserable life?
How can I stop this? I CAN´T STOP THIS!
Why are the withdraws so intense that I keep failing all the time? Why do I need to increase the dose constantly? I don´t I feel it anymore?
How can I ever end this? Where is my dignity? What have I done?
I can not do this any longer!! Oh God, help me!!

Is this what you want for the rest of your life???

tigerlillie said:

I suppose what I'm asking for is advice on how other people have managed to stay away, or how they've beaten it.

I'm not looking for potatoman to just log on and give me a bollocking for being stupid. You've obviously been in the same situation yourself before and you use now

No I don't take any medication at the moment. Self respect is also something I've never really had either! haha

Click to expand...

You can´t get away from that! Not even if you quit and will stay in your mind.
It´s a matter of time. Your life will be ruined whether you quit or not..
Living one day at the time, dealing with cravings that you can barely manage. Do things for money that you would never ever had done before.
It´s a long list..and you will be sick, jobless, and worst of all, trying to understand how the hell you got into this knowing what would have happened.
It´s not going to be easy to forgive yourself.

And the only pros "Euphoria" does not last that much, the cons will be with you forever..
Sorry to be abrupt like this, but it seems you are really asking for that.

Tbh it sounds like you need to get this person out of your life, I see no good coming from this situation. At the end of the day nobody is to blame for your decision to go out and buy that heroin though, it was not her fault. Blaming her for your decision just because you see that she has found some degree of success after overcoming addiction is pretty immature and you should take full responsibility for that.

If you feel that her past is a problem or that she's in any way a bad influence on you then you need to remove her from your life, it's really that simple. It sounds like you could benefit from some counseling as well. There you will learn to develop better coping skills so that you won't turn to drugs during times of emotional pain, along with setting up a proper treatment plan to deal with your mental health issues. I really hope you see your way through this, I wish you the best of luck

I'm gonna move this to sober living, they're more geared towards giving advice and support on how to avoid drugs and cope with sobriety.

BDD -> SL

Break up with her, if you feel pressured/persuaded to use drugs.

You can't do it just once. Most people can't. Especially if you're unhappy. You'll start to look to it for all your happiness needs instead of doing the healthy thing, which is identifying what in your life is making you unhappy, and fixing it. You say you want "some of this happiness thing". Figure out whats making you unhappy! Working too much? See about changing jobs. Love life? Try to find someone new. Boredom? Try to find a hobby.

Oh, and if youv'e never done this shit and think you're just going to shoot up and its going fine and you do it alone, there's a pretty good chance you'll die, or end up a vegetable.

The first time I shot myself up, I'd been watching my friends for months and had my friends inject me for months and watched exactly what they did, and I still almost OD'd. And you know the sick thing? That didn't even stop me. THat should tell you right there drugs aren't something you want to mess with. I almost died, and my only thought was "ok, so next time when I do it I"ll do less". My thought should've been "oh my god I"m never doing that again".

If you value your life and happiness and sanity, throw the drugs away.

I've never felt this weak before in my life. I can't work out whether getting rid of her will solve the problem or whether it's just opened my head up to something that I just hadn't taken that seriously before, and i don't know whether ditching her will solve that.

My head just goes round in spirals of depression, I'm sure you can all relate to that can't you? I just feel I need something to numb it out, to give me a break from it. you know?

Ive booked an appointment with my doctor. Get some help from a counsellor or something.

That woman who you're involved with or dating sounds toxic if she's pressuring you to use drugs, or says it's OK for you to use drugs.

But you made the choice to buy the drugs and syringes, so you also have the choice to throw them away and not use them.

Don't use heroin, cocaine, or any other drugs again or at all since you wrote how you get drug tested for rowing, you'll probably wind up addicted or overdose, and many addicts or people who wind up addicted to these drugs will tell you how they wished they had never used them. Using heroin is not going to improve your life, or solve all of your problems.

See this thread: http://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads/704633-Should-I-Try-Heroin-MEGAThread-v-1

Since you wrote how you're depressed have you ever talked to your mother about this? Or to friends, or a counselor/therapist?

I Heroin is the best.. Until you die a few times...and even worse you come back to life with the help of good ol Narcan... Watch your friends die foaming at the mouth face blue as a blueberry.. Lose your business but that's nothing compared to losing your soul... Not nearly as glamorous and exciting as you think it is..

Idk who your girl friend is, but that happiness she talks about runs out quick... Then you're stuck with shaking swearing puking and shutting your pants majority of the time.. Unless you're still fit enough sell your shell of a body for a couple hundred bucks an hour you might maintain for a while..

But that's all said only if you make it past the first shot without ODing instantly and dead within a few minutes. And if you made it past that, welcome to hell on earth..

Otherwise go see a doc, dump that woman, and get your a** to an Alanon meeting like today. I've struggled with bipolar anxiety depression and lots more since I was 8 and it's a joy to deal with compared to getting and staying sober from H. I'm 23 and I can say the meds work... The ones that don't steal your soul I mean. Good luck

Tigerlillie, I think I understand what you are saying. This woman is not pressuring you to use, she has inadvertently (through her own recovery) given you the impression that you can have a heroin addiction and then simply put it behind you. But you never saw what she went through to put it behind her.

I think you should get rid of everything you got to get high and devote your time and energy into exploring why you have never been able to be happy. Or maybe, more to the point, why you have never been able to let go of the stress in your mind (because that seems to be your motivation to try drugs). Maybe you are not leading the life you would like to lead? Often, mental health issues are just that. Do you run the farm now as a family obligation or because it is satisfying to you? Does your business bring you satisfaction and engagement or only an income with lots of stress? Do you feel comfortable with who you are? These are the real issues and happiness comes unbidden when you create a life that allows for it. Rather than risk losing everything to an addiction--or even just a serious one time fuck up--why not address what is underlying your desire to flirt with total disaster?

You are not missing out on anything. Drugs won't bring you happiness or give you the "fun" you seek. Allow me to give you a but of perspective.

I am now a single mother to an intelligent creative wonderful 6 year old son. At the time I gave birth to him I had been clean about 7 years from heroin, coke, methadone, etc

What began as a search for fun led me to eventually sitting in the badlands of Philadelphia, in abandoned houses shooting dope to take the sickness away so I could drive the 90 miles back to my hometown. Was making that almost 200 mile round trip daily. It became a full time job. Did I sell to others? Sure. Had to make some money back to support my habit. You can't work a job (or run a farm) when the first thing you must worry about in the morning is having enough dope to make you feel normal. Not high. Just not puking, sneezing, shivering and sweating.

Also injected coke for "fun". I used to joke that I needed to dope to stay well but the coke was for fun. That fun consisted of doing shot after shot sitting in a room for hours upon hours. As soon as one wore off (10 min) the compulsion to do another became so intense I could think of nothing else. My arms look like someone with a knife drew lines all over them. Not to mention the swollen hands and numb fingers from nicking a nerve or missing a d causing pressure on a nerve.

For some contrast, I graduated high school top five in my class and had a full tuition scholarship to college. But I was bored with life and looking for fun. Got into drugs. By 21 I did my first county jail stint. By 28 I was in state prison.

I could go on with all the sordid details. If you really want Pm me. What I'm trying to say is if you are looking for being happy you're looking in the wrong place. I can't count how many days I sat in my house dope sick and heard people walk up the street laughing and would tho I to myself "wow I wish I could be like that again, happy. Not sick and needing chemicals to feel normal." Normal but numb. Never actually happy

I had a couple slips. I'm currently clean for the past year. Definitely content. If you were to talk to me now you might very well think I'm like your girl. Most likely though, she's more like me. Just because she doesn't get raw with you doesn't mean you should sugar coat her experience in your mind. Is it possible to have a serious heroin problem and put it behind you? Sure it is. But it is not common. And I guarantee it was not painless

Find something that you love to do. If you have no clue what that might be then try different things. For me, it is painting. That and reading are my sober escapes.

But don't reach out to heroin for happiness. It may give you comforting numbness. But in the end it leaves you empty

It will always live you empty!

Watch that show Lockup (find on Youtube). It's good motivation to not do easy to bust crimes like ordering dope online, then talking about it online. I'm jealous if you are smart enough to leave no trail. I always bought on the street and had to resort to shooting pills because my H connects were crap. If you do start using, please post here on BL how it goes, which will help me "not to take heroin"