Mental Health Back to the depths.

Something strange happened tonight. I was pondering the past and wondering about "what ifs" and how things would be today if I had done things a little differently. Mainly it was reminiscing about somebody, somebody who once cared for me deeply for years and who I still care about. This someone who once had strong feelings for me I pushed away and made hate me and has now completely and utterly forgotten about me, 2 and half years later I haven't forgot. Regret really can cause deep despair. Anyways this opened a floodgate and I started loathing myself for all my mistakes, all my times making others hate me and pushing people I love away. The wasted time on drugs and all my mistakes. I watched a music video I use to listen to for hours back in the days when my depression was so severe i'd have breaks from reality, when being in the ER from suicide attempts became common. And tonight is the first time in awhile when the thought of it actually sounded appealing. I'm going to do anything, but my question is why does this severity have to come back? It's always my biggest fear to dive those depths again. I just needed to express myself, thanks.

Ìf you push away thoughts and feeling they will come back, allowing them is a great step for recovery, keep doing this as long as it will not make you suicidal or anything.
When you quit using drugs all the memories and regrets will come back, its normal, and important to go forward in life.

Hey, Brown. Whenever I drive myself crazy with regrets and the guilt that tags along at their edges, I try to remind myself that the only true thing is the feeling at the core of those useless thoughts. The feeling is one of deep sadness, of missing (in this case,my son). All the thoughts are illusion--no one can say what might have happened. There are too many variables. We imagine futures--our own and those we love--they rarely come close IME.

I hope that the sadness you are feeling is at least tinged with a bit of acceptance for yourself. Knowing that you made mistakes means that you have gained wisdom. Wisdom does not always give you happiness but it does open the door that leads to peace. I hope you can continue to walk towards that peace that is definitely within you.

Thank you everybody, today I feel MUCH better. Regret can cut deep sometimes, but there is no point in pondering things that could have been.