What's wrong with me? Am I depressed?

I posted in here about a month ago in the beggining of january. I talked about some wierd feelings i've been having lately, and i got a lot of feedback about it.
Now it's been a month, i've stayed off drugs completely (exstacy), and i only feel worse. I don't know whats happening to me... but it's haunting me for 95% of my day.
EVREYWHERE that i go now... i spend 95% of the time thinking about "how things are different now" and how my "mind has changed". it's an obsession, i'm not exagerating either. When i go to church, i think about it for the whole hour. When i'm in my room watching TV, i just stare at the TV and think about how i use to be able to enjoy these shows better. When i go to the movies, by the time its over i barely remember any of the scenes that happened and hate what my mind is doing to me. Studying is alot harder, i know i use to be aLOT brighter. I have to read the same sentence over 5 times sometimes before it sinks in.
I think i've made my point about how bad it is.
I use to use to tear and get real sad when watching sad movies (i'm a guy) like that ending scene from braveheart... now i don't feel anything anymore. I do feel "sad" for most of the day... not because i'm feeling bad about myself or anything... i don't have low self esteem... i just am mad at my situation and can't have a good day because it HAUNTS me.
Am i depressed??? i have NO IDEA. I don't know what depression means anymore. I'm not anything CLOSE to suicidal and i'm not UNHAPPY... when i go out w/ friends ot have fun, i have fun, but if depression means that my mind is feeling DEPRESSED as in pressed down, then yeah, i'm feeling that. the best way to explain it is that 1/5 of my soul has died.
I lost absolutely all my sexual drive. I use to be so horny, just a girl looking at me and holding me would get me going and craving... now... i don't feel anything. I was at a party last night and had 2 different times when a girl showed me interest and we danced, chilled together, and talked. I only made out with them because that's what i'm suppose to do... i didn't feel anything when we did. i didn't evne want to, they initiated. I didn't even want to take it anywhere further. I've lost my sexual drive for a while now.
My mind feels like all the fluids in it when "thick", it's so hard to concentrate on things. Most of the time when i try to concentrate on things, i can't do it because then i start thinking about how fucked up my mind is and that i use to be able to concentrate on things better. It gets me at every turn.
Sometimes i take a shower, and my mind goes elsewhere for so long that when i'm done showering, i have NO IDEA how long i've been there. i can't even remember what i was thinking about... but chances are it was about the changes that are happening in my mind. that's all i think about.
I can even feel it in my eyes... when i look from left to right... it's all a little chopped up instead of fluid. kind of like being high or really drunk. My mind feels "tired".
I think i've made my point pretty well here... i want this feeling to go away, and want to be able to make vivid memories and have vivid feelings again. i'm just a robot now... i perform actions.
I feel medicine head 24/7, with a mix of hangover, and burnt-out feeling from smoking, and just flat out tired sometimes. i feel like the day before i went to a club and did a really good pill... and i'm getting that "dopey" feeling the next day when you just don't perform as well and you're tired. Thats what makes me think it's linked to my seratonin.
I still don't get much sleep though, i'm in college so i need alot of time to get stuff done and still enjoy myself. or at least TRY to enjoy myself. but if i had a chance to sleep, i can sleep for over 12 hours no problem. and go back to sleep 6 hours later.
I also realized how much fun i use to have sober... now i can only have CLOSE to fun being very drunk. and being drunk isn't as fun either... cause even when i'm drunk all i can think about is what i'm feeling.
what do i do???? what do you think?
thank you, please reply.

this is also something that doesn't affect the way i act. people would never know how i feel and that i'm different, because i really try to hide it. i act a little more "mature" now though, i'm not as crazy. It feels better when i exercise, or when i'm around people that i'm close to. I can be cool about it. but it's still there, and i want to get rid of it because i'm obsessedabout it.

I'm not really sure what your drug history is like, but it might be a chemical imbalance. However even if it isn't you should make an appointment with a psychiatrist to explore your options.
Sorry Im not more helpful

i've tried lots of things, but never did anything frequently. just on a occasional basic i did exstacy AT MOST twice a month, sometimes not at all, and i smoked once in a blue moon.
I don't think it is drugs anymore, i use to think it was.
It's really down to 3 things i think... just something naturally going wrong with my brain, alchohol, or depression. i'm wondering if anyone else evre felt like this and if they fixed it somehow.

i don't know if i'm feeling the same as u, but it's maybe similar.
the best way i can describe it is this:
looking into the future, i cannot immagine a path/way of life that will make me happy. no matter what i imagine myself doing, i 'know' that i will still feel, to a certain extent, empty (not the right word, but its the best i can come up with).
as with u, when i'm with my friends, i'm still happy. or i think i am, maybe not, i don't honestly know - maybe i'm just distracted?
maybe thats just it - if you can distract yourself enough, and have the will to do so, you'll forget to be depressed. or maybe not, who the fuck knows?
thats another thing - do u find yourself saying stuff like "i don't know" a lot ? i do - i don't know if it's just realising the truth - that in the scheme of things, i don't really know that much, or itf it's a loss of self assurance (or maybe there the same thing, who knows?

You're definitely right about the distracted part... i know i'm like this 100% of my day. I can only distract myself from it... but realizing this... it's gotten so bad to the point where i CAN'T DISTRACT MYSELF ANYMORE because i KNOW IT'S THERE so i go looking for it.
it's pretty bad. it's eating up my life

Hello mate,
Welcome to the club. I think I have the same problem as you. What I think you need to do is get the help of a psychiatrist and (most likely) start a course of anti-depressants (check with doctor first, though). Hang in there and take care.

Most of the symptoms you described are pretty classical dysthymic/depression symptoms. I didn't read your previous post so I can't comment on it/your history, but quitting drugs will definitely help; you might also consider seeing a psychiatrist and trying a couple different anti-depressants .... just don't be impatient. Remember that they take time to work, it takes time to find the right one, etc. Meanwhile keep trying to "distract" yourself from these feelings--obsessing over them will not do you any good.

I experience the same feelings, yet I continue to do xtc. The feelings of depression you are having are not truely depression. For example, you are the same person you we're before you did drugs, but the drug showed your mind a "better, clearer, happier" state of being. Now that your sober and you have experienced that "euphoria" nothing is ever as exciting, because according to your brain the drug showed you all the excitement you can handle. Your seratonin will rebuild, but thinking about how things will never be the same, and everything is not exciting anymore will just make it worse. I find what helps me the most is to stare at the stars by yourself ( and think about the first time you we're in love), or to get into a really dangerous situation e.g. car accident, fight, etc. Well thats all I can suggest...

Skim,
Ok, here's my opinion: its only been a month. you need to give yourself some more time. it took more than one month for you to do the damage to yourself, so naturally, its going to take more than one month to get back to normal...
i gave up drugs(coke and ecstacy)a couple of months ago myself. it takes time to get your focus back on things, things seem boring at first when you've been used to the "false" excitement that drugs gave you. i had a hard time concentrating on work, etc. it gets better with time though. try to find some new things you enjoy. i've said this before. working out is wonderful for your body and your mind. It may sound hokey, but it does help. Find someone you can share your feelings with who will support you. Keep busy. I promise it will get better. I felt the same way you did when i quit. Alot of my feelings about how different things were, for me, was connected to guilt. i felt so guilty about all the time, money, energy i had wasted getting f-ed up. I wished i could go back and make different choices. i realized i couldnt and all i could do was make sure the choices i made from this point forward were good ones. give yourself more time, and take care of yourself. Good luck

Ok now, so you've quit drugs and now your unhappy and sad. No shit. Also you said that now your drinking I believe???? Jesus man, thats worse! And you wonder why your unhappy. I say stop the fucking drinking and get back to the good stuff. You said you only did them occasionally, so whats the problem? Smoke weed, trip sometimes, and all will be well. If you were happy on drugs, and now your unhappy without them, and your unhappy with alcohol yet you were happy with drugs occasionally, whats that tell you??? Stop the drinking and smoke the weed man! You'll be much happier I bet. And quit the drinking. Alcohol is BAD!!!

i'd have to disagree with the smoking more pot, as fun as that may be - i don't think it's gonna help get over depression.
for me, i'm not toooo worried about being depressed - it can be usefull sometimes (if u're a bit artistic, it can inspire you to write/paint/... some good (albeit derpessing) stuff). and in a way i kinda like that fact that i can see life for what it is, stripped of all it's niceties.
and there is another thing - if we both trully believed that things would not get better, we could do anything at all - we'd have nothing to loose. i still find myself getting nervous about asking a girl out/ worrying about this and that, which kinda indicates that somewhere inside i think shit might get better, otherwise i just wouldn't care about anything. the logic is a bit crapy, but it kinda makes sense.
and then sometimes i think that depressions is just a necessary clensing stage in life - where u realise that all u worried/cared about up to now is basically bullshit, and so u get rid of it and feel sad for a while. but hopefully u'll move thru that, throwing out the old baggage, and into a higher stage in life.
or i could be wrong, who knows - thats one reason to keep on going - to see what ends up happening

about the tv shows that used to seem better... well maybe you just realised how shit and fake tv really is...
i feel i am slight manic depressive and have lately had bouts of sevre depression and experienced many of your symptoms... why don't you try stay off all subsatances (smokes weed e and even coffee etc..) eat healthy for a while try some meditation DO NOT GO ON anti-depressants drugs will not fix your problem my friend.... half of america seem to be on anti-depressants... this is your solution..?
no the answer is not in another magic pill... the only one who can answer you questions is yourself no fucking quack....

Its something a lot of people go through...
The longer you lay off the drugs the better life will start to get.

Hey Skim. I hope all is going well for you. I can totally relate. I have been feeling the same way you do for the past couple years now. Nothing gets me excited anymore. Sadly, I can't honestly say when was the last time I was even happy. Like you, I feel like I have lost a big part of my soul. Just the other day, a friend I have know for many, many years and said to me that it seems as though my spirit has died. I isolate myself and pray that the way I feel will change. I don't know how to act in front of people anymore. I can't think and I forget things real easily. I feel like a walking zombie most of the time. I even went on Zoloft for awhile and in my opinion, it made me more of a zombie. I don't know what to do...
[ 15 February 2002: Message edited by: kemic415 ]

I was about to make another post in here, but your thread described me exactly, everything seemed to be more fun up till now, everything seems like it will never be the same again. My head feels exactly how you described it, I stopped doing all drugs for 7 weeks which was a long time and then when I did them again YUCK, I have never ever felt so disgusted with myself.

hey skim, bud i feel ya on this one, going through the same thing myself, though i've never done x, or even seen it. at first i thought, oh shit this guy's fucked(my brother did some dope and heard voices for a month) but as i read i saw that i relate well w/ you. my story is- real hardworker/over achiver(in a way) last summer i rode a bicycle across country, afterwards i was just as you describe, - the sex part. i thought that i had, in a sence, upped my standards of pleasure/stimulation. kind of like i built a tollerence to fun. so, searching for fun i ended up smoking about 1/2lb of coke in the next month or two. then i realized that this wasen't a "real" anwser, it was artifical, and very temporary. one morning i threw my stuff in my truck and started driving, thought to myself, if i get where i'm going and i'm still not happy, that's it, i'm throwing myself off a cliff or something. well ended up driving to alaska, took a real low stress job and in the past 6 months have learned how to be happy again. now i have all kinds of new goals that, once acomplished, will hopefully bring me my much needed stimulation. you may have experienced a real high level of pleasure with the x, now you just have higher standards of what pleasure is. soooo go get it!!!!! wherever it may be. who knows it might be in a socialy acceptial/overall benifical venue. you said exercise makes you feel good, me too! i also think, for the majority of us, the dopamine transmitter damage is a result of moderate/long term use, but i'm hardly an expert. you feel more mature, you are, you took it to the next level, no going back.

i thought of one more thing
FUCK THE PSYCIARIST, they will just give you more drugs, i really think that is a VERY last resort, once you clearly have some big problems.
get your heart pumping. exercise, challenge, and other forms of stimulation. that will clear up your head (get rid of "medicine head") much better than antidepressionats. sounds like your doing ok to me. friends, college, hell you've even got chicks intreasted in you. sounds like you were dealt a good hand in life. good luck

Hey there, I know of kinda what you are feeling... And like some said before you may have a chemical embalance. Sometimes after a period of time of using drugs and ur body becoming dependent on them they can go through some drastic changes.. and sometimes the drugs can cause u to have mental episodes.. you could have slite syctz or something.. ik now you probably dont want to go and talk to a doctor but it might help.. if u talk to them about it they be able to help u more then any of us can.. when i did the stuff a while back ago it took me a few months to get back to normal its just takes your body and mind time to heal.. and it depends on what you eat and how u treat ur body... i work out every day.. and eat really healthy now.. drink lots of water.. and stuff like that.. and to keep me happy i take 5 h t p.. it helps rebuild the seratonin in my brain.. u might want to try that... laters