Cyc
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Sep 11, 2000
- Messages
- 11,370
(This is a very well-written dialogue posted in New to XTC from a 15 year old girl and her struggles with drug use. Since most of us here know that our forum exists for a more intellectual and thoughtful approach to these topics, I thought to move it here and gain some positive feedback. Enjoy.)
Ecstasy...
When I think of this word I don't think of what the word is supposed to mean. I think of something that almost ruined my life. I think of something that in return for a few hours of feeling "good" - sucked up all the trust I had earned for the 15 years I had been living. I think of a small, round pill that life-long friends turned their backs on me because of - not because they weren't friends - but because they were scared. I think of something that could have been fun in moderation, but I got so obsessed that moderation seemed far away from describing my relationship with this drug.
But most of all, I think of the depression and guilt I live with now, after not using it for over 6 months.
Why did I stop? It wasn't because my parents no longer trusted me, and were on their last nerve with me. It wasn't because my friends abandoned me. It wasn't because I made my grandmother cry. It wasn't because a boy I loved asked me to stop. No - all that stuff may have added to my stopping, but they weren't the main reason.
I stopped for myself.
That was the only way to do it. I needed to realize that I was making a decision for ME and ME only. Then it was easy.
Why am I writing this is this forum. Because, my children, I was you six months ago. I thought ecstasy was the best thing since sliced bread. I thought it erased all my problems. I was obsessed. I had MP3s about it, I wrote poems about it, I talked about it, I dreamed about it... everything was about it!
Then I realized, it made my problems go away, and come back 10 times worse. And I realized that my obsession made my reputation plummet. People thought I was 10 times worse than I really was. People would come up to me and ask me what I was on, even when I was perfectly sober.
And it depressed me. Not the *suicide tuesdays* DARE officers preach about, but a depression that wasn't artificial. A depression of missing what had always been there - my security blanket of self confidence and knowing I was going to do something with my life. I didn't know that anymore.
So I stopped, but it wasn't easy. 3 months it took to stop, with 3 or 4 slip ups. After I slipped up I'd stay in the house depressed until I somewhat felt I punished myself. I would take things away from myself, to punish me. I'd let my parents find out that I had been on drugs, so they'd give me consequences... I needed these consequences.
AND NOW! Here I am, OFF DRUGS COMPLETELY! Well, unless you call my allergy medication a drug. But going from; ecstasy twice a week, acid, percs and viks, DXM, ketamine, and alcohol... prolly more... to just allergy medication; that is something alot of people can't do.
I lost most of my friends I hund around with during my drug days. A BEST FRIEND and a BOYFRIEND. A best friend, who stopped when I did, but realized we had nothing in common anymore... that was the worst thing that came out of quitting. A BOYFRIEND who had just made me worse everyday, losing all contact with him was the best thing I gained.
Now, I have a straight edge... (well except for the NO SEX part) committed boyfriend, WHO I LOVE. AND BETTER FRIENDS! No, they can't ever replace that one BEST FRIEND who I had done everything with, but they are different people who I love! I wasn't looking for a replacement.
PLEASE! Get something out of my story! I beg of you, to just try to see things through my perspective.
I started drugs when I was 14, July of 2000. I did E for the first time, it was my first drug -- and like most kids I said, it was a one time thing. Then after it became routine I said, this is the only drug. Then... I broke all promises to myself. I no longer did it to expand my horizons, I did it for the feeling... to not be "normal"... sober.
I stopped drugs in April of 2001. I suffered depression and I still do. I have a chemical inbalance from depletion of serotonin. I have to make an extra effort to be happy, and alot of times I'm not happy. BUT, when I was on drugs I thought I was happy, but I was miserable after the 3 or so hours. I am happier now. I really am.
I am glad I did all the drugs I did. Now, I don't have to worry about making these same mistakes when I am older and the things at risk are more important. (Job, college, husband) I gained SO MUCH from my drug use. I gained a knowledge of chemicals, that helps me sometimes even is school! I gained a better ability to talk and not to hold things in. I gained a better ability to write poetry and essays. I gained better musical taste.
MOST OF ALL I GAINED A GREATLY EXPANDED MIND, A MIND THAT KNOWS THINGS UNSEEN AND UNHEARD TO MOST. My mind - EXPANDED to limits the majority of people can never reach. I've gained a mind that thinks, and doesn't follow others beliefs. A mind, that I love, and I would never want my mind to be any other way.
So, I am not saying "drugs are bad", I am not some DARE officer lecturing you about things that aren't even true. I'm someone who's been through it.
Drugs had a hold, but I oiled their grip... and they slipped off.
They left scars...
but some of their scars are positive,
and the negative scars are tolerable....
SO heed my warning...
moderate and if you can't, find the reason, YOUR REASON, to stop.
It has to be your decision.
Decide.
Or, fade away... to a chemical nothingness.
Thankyou for your time.
[This message has been edited by Kyk (edited 20 October 2001).]
Ecstasy...
When I think of this word I don't think of what the word is supposed to mean. I think of something that almost ruined my life. I think of something that in return for a few hours of feeling "good" - sucked up all the trust I had earned for the 15 years I had been living. I think of a small, round pill that life-long friends turned their backs on me because of - not because they weren't friends - but because they were scared. I think of something that could have been fun in moderation, but I got so obsessed that moderation seemed far away from describing my relationship with this drug.
But most of all, I think of the depression and guilt I live with now, after not using it for over 6 months.
Why did I stop? It wasn't because my parents no longer trusted me, and were on their last nerve with me. It wasn't because my friends abandoned me. It wasn't because I made my grandmother cry. It wasn't because a boy I loved asked me to stop. No - all that stuff may have added to my stopping, but they weren't the main reason.
I stopped for myself.
That was the only way to do it. I needed to realize that I was making a decision for ME and ME only. Then it was easy.
Why am I writing this is this forum. Because, my children, I was you six months ago. I thought ecstasy was the best thing since sliced bread. I thought it erased all my problems. I was obsessed. I had MP3s about it, I wrote poems about it, I talked about it, I dreamed about it... everything was about it!
Then I realized, it made my problems go away, and come back 10 times worse. And I realized that my obsession made my reputation plummet. People thought I was 10 times worse than I really was. People would come up to me and ask me what I was on, even when I was perfectly sober.
And it depressed me. Not the *suicide tuesdays* DARE officers preach about, but a depression that wasn't artificial. A depression of missing what had always been there - my security blanket of self confidence and knowing I was going to do something with my life. I didn't know that anymore.
So I stopped, but it wasn't easy. 3 months it took to stop, with 3 or 4 slip ups. After I slipped up I'd stay in the house depressed until I somewhat felt I punished myself. I would take things away from myself, to punish me. I'd let my parents find out that I had been on drugs, so they'd give me consequences... I needed these consequences.
AND NOW! Here I am, OFF DRUGS COMPLETELY! Well, unless you call my allergy medication a drug. But going from; ecstasy twice a week, acid, percs and viks, DXM, ketamine, and alcohol... prolly more... to just allergy medication; that is something alot of people can't do.
I lost most of my friends I hund around with during my drug days. A BEST FRIEND and a BOYFRIEND. A best friend, who stopped when I did, but realized we had nothing in common anymore... that was the worst thing that came out of quitting. A BOYFRIEND who had just made me worse everyday, losing all contact with him was the best thing I gained.
Now, I have a straight edge... (well except for the NO SEX part) committed boyfriend, WHO I LOVE. AND BETTER FRIENDS! No, they can't ever replace that one BEST FRIEND who I had done everything with, but they are different people who I love! I wasn't looking for a replacement.
PLEASE! Get something out of my story! I beg of you, to just try to see things through my perspective.
I started drugs when I was 14, July of 2000. I did E for the first time, it was my first drug -- and like most kids I said, it was a one time thing. Then after it became routine I said, this is the only drug. Then... I broke all promises to myself. I no longer did it to expand my horizons, I did it for the feeling... to not be "normal"... sober.
I stopped drugs in April of 2001. I suffered depression and I still do. I have a chemical inbalance from depletion of serotonin. I have to make an extra effort to be happy, and alot of times I'm not happy. BUT, when I was on drugs I thought I was happy, but I was miserable after the 3 or so hours. I am happier now. I really am.
I am glad I did all the drugs I did. Now, I don't have to worry about making these same mistakes when I am older and the things at risk are more important. (Job, college, husband) I gained SO MUCH from my drug use. I gained a knowledge of chemicals, that helps me sometimes even is school! I gained a better ability to talk and not to hold things in. I gained a better ability to write poetry and essays. I gained better musical taste.
MOST OF ALL I GAINED A GREATLY EXPANDED MIND, A MIND THAT KNOWS THINGS UNSEEN AND UNHEARD TO MOST. My mind - EXPANDED to limits the majority of people can never reach. I've gained a mind that thinks, and doesn't follow others beliefs. A mind, that I love, and I would never want my mind to be any other way.
So, I am not saying "drugs are bad", I am not some DARE officer lecturing you about things that aren't even true. I'm someone who's been through it.
Drugs had a hold, but I oiled their grip... and they slipped off.
They left scars...
but some of their scars are positive,
and the negative scars are tolerable....
SO heed my warning...
moderate and if you can't, find the reason, YOUR REASON, to stop.
It has to be your decision.
Decide.
Or, fade away... to a chemical nothingness.
Thankyou for your time.
[This message has been edited by Kyk (edited 20 October 2001).]
