Everyone gets a second chance in life - GHB, Ketamine and LSD - 12/8/00
**Disclaimer** In no way do i promote the use of these dangerous chemicals, do so at your own risk. Im not saying Drugs are bad (I love em') but they can be unpredictable. I also want to warn you that this will probrobly be one of the longest posts you will read, be patient, this was a very important experience to me, and i want to share it with you, because i know alot of you can possibly take something positive out of it.
Everyone gets a second chance in life - GHB, Ketamine and LSD - 12/8/00
As Friday rolled around, I became more and more excited for the weekend. It was going to be a blast. I had been sober for over 3 weeks, and was ready to party my ass off. It was my best friends 21st birthday, and I was going to make sure he had a better time than he could at a smelly ass bar.
I went to 'Exhale' well prepared. I had a tab of acid that I received from a friend who I would trust my life with (this will be my first time dropping acid). Plus I had a 20 bag of K. Well I dropped the tab at around 11:30 while waiting in line. Finally around 12:00 we got inside, and almost as soon as I walked in, I began talking to a friend of mine, we will call her A, as me and A talk about her going to Australia for the semester, my tab goes flying out of my mouth over the balcony….noooooo. Well, fuck it, the acid should have dissolved by then. Well I hit up the jungle room to check out my man Roc Raida, amazing is all I can say about that man. Well its 1:00 now and I'm not feeling a thing from the acid, so I go take a few bumps of my K to get me feelin' nice. Within 10 minutes I'm a happy little camper. I meet up with a friend named K and her friend S, the three of us hang out for a few, then I head down to the main floor to try and find another tab of acid. My luck seems to be going downhill, no one has any, but out of the blue a sketchy little character comes up to me and asks if I want some G! Hell fucking yeah I say. So I take two cap-fulls and head on my way, mind you I have never done G before either.
So I go find my little girls K and S, and I cling onto them like it's my job, I'm just feeling like a kite in the sky, I am the happiest I have been In a while. Just plain goofy I guess. So the three of us hang out and dance around for a while. Next I head on down to find my best friend and tell him how great G is, I can't find him but find the other 3 girls I came with, we proceed to the bleaches and indulge in some massages. Ah, so damn good. I finish off my bag of K, and I'm just stupid as hell now, I'm like a little rag-doll at this point. So I head up and find some more friends hanging around, we talk for a couple hours, until I'm basically sober again. I decide its time to find some good acid since my first tab shit the bed. I find a kid who is selling sugar cubes for 10$, I didn't want to pay that much but I figured I minus well since no one else seems to have any. I go to my friend A and ask her how to take it, she jokes and says to bite it in half, let it dissolve on my tongue and give her the other half, haha. I look back now and wish I had split it with her. Anyways, I drop the cube, and proceed to the main floor again.
30 minutes pass by and I begin to feel a body load coming on, I feel nausea approaching as well. But it soon dissipates, and the light show becomes magical in my eyes. The lasers and lights just stick out like nothing I have ever seen before. The music becomes very gooey and liquid-like and all smooshed together. But I enjoy the way everything sounds and looks. Soon thereafter everything begins to melt, people, music, the dance floor, I'm loving it. I begin to get very giddy and giggly. My friend S grabs me and asks if I'm tripping hard yet, I tell her yes, so she pulls me into the jungle room where we proceed to just chill out and cuddle against the back wall. She then turns and asks me if I want to "see" my emotions and feelings? I am so confused, but very intrigued. So I quickly say yes. She tell me to relax and lean back and concentrate on her voice. She then proceeds to touch my body in small circular motions in different spots and beings saying different types of emotions and asks me if I can see them, what do they look like, what do I see, do I like them, so forth and so on. She only mentions beautiful and loving emotions, nothing scary or bad. What I see during this time I will never for get for the rest of my life. It was a kaleidoscope of color and emotion, I could see my inner being swirling in vibrant color right in my head, I saw things like love, bliss, ecstasy, lust, happiness and peace. It was amazing as I saw these emotions I could begin to feel them as well, I remember become extremely sexual as soon as she said ecstasy. When she finished I didn't know what to say, all I could do was smile and say thank-you. I told her that was the most amazing thing that has even been done to me.
We head back into the main room eventually, and she finds out she has to leave, I have her take me to my friend M since I am tripping so hard I don't want to be left alone. We exchange numbers and find M. M takes hold of me for the next hour or so, I just sit there and giggle and look at all the lights, music sounds like a beautiful goo at this point. Finally M and me head down to the floor and find my original friends I came with. The party is coming to a close and I attach onto my friends to lead me out, I have no idea where I am and what's going on. We get to my car, and I plop my tripped out ass in my back seat and throw on some nice relaxing ambient tunes. I start flipping through all the flyers I have collected from the party, everything is swirling and moving on the flyers, it's so beautiful. The ride home is nice and relaxing, it gave me a chance to chill out. We arrive back up in New Hampshire around 7:00 in the morning to my friend J and N's house. We all head up stairs to bed, J hops in the shower and N passes out on the floor, leaving me all alone still tripping hard.
Now what happens next was the third and final step in a process I began back in October. What happened in the first two steps can be found at the following links.
Step/Trip 1: http://www.bluelight.ru/ubb/Forum30/HTML/000008.html?reload=13
Step/Trip 2: http://www.bluelight.ru/ubb/Forum30/HTML/000049.html?reload=8
The room I was in at this point began to look very scary and dirty, I felt as if I was in a crack house. So I got up and ran outside to get some fresh air. This helped me calm down a bit, so I headed back on up to the bedroom and try to sleep, but the bedroom looks more and more like the nightmare I had had in Trip/Step 2. So I get really freaked out because I don't want to go through a trip like I did that time. So I go back outside and go for a long walk down the road. I get my head clear and realize life is back to normal, people are up going to work and shopping, everyone is getting their Saturday morning breakfast. I instantly feel much better. I feel so much more cleared up I decide to go back to the house and get my buddy J to smoke some salvia with me. But when I get back inside, J is still in the shower and the house and room look exactly like the nightmare I had had from trip 2, I felt as though police were waiting outside for me. I freak out and go back outside. I decide I NEED to find a friend to talk to and I can't wait for J to get out of the shower. So I start walking back towards St. A's, which is about 2 miles away. I'm still all dressed in my rave gear, and I'm walking around in goffstown NH, a very down to earth hickville, so I am needless to say, sticking out like a sore thumb. I wander towards the school and begin to feel as if I'm no longer on earth, I'm just walking this nameless place all by myself. I begin to feel real dirty and sickly like I had in my trip #2. I am getting very scared at this point once again. I make my way to some apartment/housing complex near the school and I am wandering around on this hill, having no idea where I am. All the cars I look at have different license plates: Connecticut, New Hampshire, Vermont, Massachusetts, Virginia, New York…etc…so I am thoroughly convinced I'm no longer in NH, I'm in a nether world.
I begin to have an extreme pain in my crotch, and begin to proceed to a patch of wood so I can try to relieve myself, but I have no luck, something is making me live with this pain. So I wander around looking at all these cars, afraid if I stop moving I was either going to die or get sent to jail. I was almost ready to break into a car and steal it because I didn't care, since I was convinced I was going to die or go to jail already. I had no idea why I felt like I was going to jail I Hadn't done anything wrong that I knew of. Every time I look at my watch I realize that the second hand isn't moving, but time had changed since the last time I checked. So I finally decide to try and find the school, I felt as though it was near, so I see the road and I see a car driving, I figure if I go in that direction I would find some civilization and be able to figure out where i was. I get to the road and nearly get hit by three cars, so i run off into someone's yard. There are lots of piles of old wood and tanks, and old trucks and cars all run down and beat up. A man comes out of a barn and asks if I'm ok, I say yeah, and he notices I have mud satins all over my pants. He asks if I know what I'm doing, and I can't seem to answer him. Something is stopping me from talking coherently. Even his words are coming out distorted. I felt as though my life was going to end soon, but I knew I wasn't ready, I needed to apologize to my family for messing up, and I had to keep walking.
I head back onto the road and keep heading in one direction. As I near what I assumed was the school, I look behind me and see a cop car approaching me slowly. A female officer steps out and comes up to me. She asks what I was doing, and I told her I was walking back to school from M. C. (the house I had been at) she asks if I am ok, I say yeah, I just feel a little sick. She then just assumed I was at the cocktail party the night before and says "little too much to drink huh?" I comply. She asks to see my ID, so I pull out my license, which I luckily have in my pocket and show it to her. I was very afraid she was going to take me away to jail. She asked if I wanted a ride to campus, but I said no. The fresh air would do me good. So she sends me on my way. I keep heading towards campus until I finally reach the main grounds. I look up at the sun and I see the huge Cross on top of the Church right next to the sun, I finally felt at peace, so I trudged towards the church. I finally get close, but I feel as though a magnetic force was pushing me away from it, as though it was telling me "not yet". So I went to the entrance of the monastery and sat down. I quickly got very scared, I had this feeling in me that if I stopped moving I would die or be picked up by the police. So I got up and kept walking. I moved to the side of the monastery and this brilliant white statue of Jesus just came out of no where, it was amazingly beautiful. I approached it very cautiously, he was pointing with his finger to the heavens, he was perched upon a small set of steps, and each step had fresh branches from the pine trees leading up to the statue. I got on my knees and crawled ever so slowly up the steps, when I noticed there was an engraving on the bottom the statue. I then worried, I was afraid that I would find my name engraved on it or a message to me. So I said a quick prayer and got close enough to read the engraving. Luckily it didn't say anything in relation to me. So I bent down and kissed the statue's feet and said thank-you. I turned around and went on my way. I next headed towards my old dorm where I thought I would be able to find some friends who could help me. As I got closer I freaked out for some reason and threw most of the contents of my pockets in the sewer. What I threw in there consisted of around 140$ in cash, 2 pure mollies I had in a vial, the phone number for my friend S and my ticket stub. So I kept walking, and made my way to the back woods, I did this because I feared begin caught by security or the police. I then went near a nativity scene I saw near a building, I knelt down and kissed the baby Jesus. At this point I threw my licensee into the bushes figuring they wouldn't be able to figure out who I was without my ID.
When I got into the woods, I made it in there deep enough so I couldn't be seen. I looked back and saw a security jeep driving near by, so I freaked and threw more contents of my pockets into the woods. This time it consisted of my salvia, a bowl and a lighter. I then crouched down behind a fallen tree and waited patiently. I then felt great pain in my stomach and realized I had to keep moving or I would die. As I walked some more I noticed I was being drawn towards a very sharply broken tree stump, I got scared and knew if I got close it would end up killing me. So I headed in a new direction where I saw a pile of rocks, I began climbing the rocks and realized I was going to fall off and die, so I backed down and went in a new direction. I then came to a huge pile of broken down trees. I began climbing those, and quickly realized that I would die if I continued, so I went back down.
I finally made it out to the soccer field and basketball courts, everywhere I went I felt the end coming near, I also felt death approaching. I wouldn't let myself go near anything for I was afraid it was going to take my life. And I knew if I stopped moving I would die or the police would come. I started making apologies to my family and friends, I was in tears at this point because I felt as if I had disappointed my family, especially my mother, I just wanted to see them all one more time. I thought I saw my dog running around, but when I looked closer I realized it was someone else's dog. I made it to the center of the soccer field and was drawn to a little flag stuck in the ground. I didn't know what it meant, but I ran away from it. For some reason I thought there was a gun buried there, and if I found it, that would be the end of me. I kept saying out loud that I didn't want to die, not yet. Life is worth living, I told myself, not me, it's not my time. So I kept wandering in circles trying to figure out what to do. I knew I somehow had to make my way to the church, I knew I would be safe there (mind you I'm not a very religious person in regular life). As I got into one of the back parking lots I came near an old run-down car. As I neared it I heard gas pouring out of it, I then heard a match get lit, I backed off and said "NO". I wasn't going to go that way. I then came near some PVC piping all bundled up, I got freaked that the strap would snap and they would topple me, so I backed off again. I then headed back to the soccer field. I laid down because I felt it was over, I had no chance, as I looked down the road one last time I saw a police car heading my way, so I sprung back up, and it disappeared. So I continued towards campus. I got to the cafeteria and thousands of thoughts were racing through my head, too many to recall. I got inside the café. And saw a crucifix on the wall, I went up to it and kissed its feet and begged for a second chance, and apologized to my family and friends again. I then went into the bathroom and fell down on the floor of the stall, I looked around and it looked as if I was in a jail cell, so I got up and ran out of there heading towards the church. I made it to the science center where there was a green house with beautiful green plants growing in there, I stared at the plants for a long time realizing how peaceful they were.
I constantly felt that the police were going to take me away because for some reason I felt as if I had introduced the world to addictive drugs. That I was the rot cause for all the suffering and pain on the world, so they needed to get me, and put me away forever.
I Soon began trekking towards the church again, the whole time I felt like I was being pushed away by an invisible force, I wasn't ready to go there yet, I had more pain to suffer, and more things to see. I then came to the front of alumni hall where I all of a sudden took off my ex-girlfriends ring and threw it on the ground. I said all this was her fault, had we stayed together I never would have gone in this downward spiral. Then the sun warmed me and I felt peace, I picked the ring up and kissed it, and realized everything happens for a reason, and she made a difference in my life, I should be thankful for her. I looked up and saw the statue of St. Anselm, I went to it and begged for a second chance, telling him I didn't want to die just yet, I needed to make peace with the world. I soon felt an excruciating pain in my head, as if a stone had hit my head. I looked on the ground near alumni hall and noticed a huge splatter of something on the ground. I though that was going to be my dead body remains, so I got away from the hall as fast as possible. I then got closer to the church. I got to the front steps and just sat down there, but once again got afraid that if I stayed the police would grab me. So I went inside, I felt like I was being drawn in finally.
I got into the church and saw a huge crucifix on the wall, I laid down underneath it and told it that if I was going to go, take me now, this is where I need to be. But nothing happened, I felt something to my right, I looked over and noticed the dish of holy water standing there. I got up and went over to it, I wrapped my arms around it and looked straight in. There was so much love and peace radiating out of the dish, and the colors were so beautiful. I knew I was in the right place, but there was more for me to see. I looked up and noticed the doors to the interior of the church, I walked up to them and grabbed on, took a deep breath and opened the doors. I looked in and I felt majestic. I could feel gods love and grace radiating through me, I knew this was it. I walked down the main isle, and when I got to the middle I knelt down and kissed the floor, I begged for a second chance. I had then thought that my life had rewound, and god was showing me who I really was, at this point I felt as though he was showing me that I was something more powerful than human. I looked up and noticed the main crucifix hanging there, it was pulsating with emotions and colors. So I walked towards it and went to the altar. I laid my arms and head down on the altar and said thank-you and apologized to my family again. I then looked up and noticed the priest's chair, it was pulsating purple, so I headed towards it, but noticed a little old woman to the left in a pew. I looked at her and told her I need to talk. I got to her and fell on the floor in front of her and grasped onto her lap and told her I didn't want to die, I wasn't ready yet. I told her not to let me out of her site until I was ok. She looked at me and told me I was going to be ok, god was going to take care of us, that's why I was there. She calmed me down a great deal, soon a priest came up to me and asked me if I needed to talk, I said yes and he led me to the basement of the church. I was still scared that police were surrounding the building, but I knew I was safe inside the church.
We went down into the lower church and sat in a pew together, I curled up in a ball and just felt all the pain inside of me getting more and more intense. This priest Father A started asking me simple questions, like what my name was, and how I got there, and where I was from. I was able to answer most of these questions. Then he asked me what I had taken the night before that put me in the state of mind, all I could think of was ecstasy, so that's what I told him I took. He went onto tell me that he didn't know much about that drug, but he knew it was very dangerous, and that by taking that destructive material into my body I was making myself destructive. I then told him how I was so sorry for messing up in life and that I just wanted to see my mom and family one more time before I had to go. And I begged him for a second chance. He then told me not to worry because god gives everyone a second chance, sometimes 3rd and 4th chances. As soon as he said this all of the pain in my stomach dissipated it was at that moment I had known I was going to be ok. I felt everything winding down to God and me at this moment, I knew that god was the answer, he was going to give me the second chance in life I wanted to badly. Then Father A called over Father M, they both questioned me some more about what I had done and who I was staying with and how I had gotten there. They also asked why I feared that I was going to die. I explained to them that it was because I had disappointed my mother and family in life, and because of that I had to punish myself. But I didn't want to die yet, I was scared and I knew I wanted to live life out. Then told me not to worry, that I was going to be ok, and God will give me a second chance if I work at it. So they took me into their office and sat me down. We cleared the air as to what I was all about, I talked about my job and that I used to go to that college and that I was in school now part time. Then Father M said he wanted to call my mom and tell her they were talking to me and that I was going to be ok and I was going to come home when I felt better. I got real scared they were going to call her and she was going to know what I did. So they called and no one picked up. Thank God. They said that nothing would happen to me if I promised one thing, that I come back to campus at 6:00 and have dinner with Father M. I agreed to this cheerfully saying how dinner would be awesome because we would get to talk some more about some things that were going on in my life. I then realized that I had told them I had been on E, I corrected myself and told them what I was really on, they just looked at me with puzzled faces, sounded like I had eaten alphabet soup…k, GHB and LSD. So Father M. drove me to the house I was staying at, wrote me a note to remind me about dinner and said good-bye.
I slept for a couple hours and got up because so much was going through my head. I finally got to dinner and we talked for a few hours about my life and my dabbling in the world of drugs. I explained to him my first two trips and how this had been the third and final step in a 3 step process. We came to the conclusion that this was what I needed in life, my mother has been nudging me along in life to get me to do what I need to get done, but she hasn't been a strong enough kick. And that's what this trip did, it made me realize that if I don't start to run my own life, I was going to end either dead, or a worthless waste of space. We decided I was going to have to take charge of life when I got home. My first issue of change was going to be me taking my dog for walks everyday, she need the exercise (she's a little on the tubby side). I then would begin looking for a more challenging job giving me the challenge I need in life, I would also become more responsible with my money. This is just the beginning, but everything needs to be done at a slow pace. You can't just jump into something like this I realized. I also decided I needed to take a long break from psychedelics, if not all drugs. Father M. and I ended up going to the Saturday night vigil together, it was one of the most peaceful experiences of my life. I finally felt a message in church. As we left Father M. told me just because this incident involved God and church, it doesn't mean I have to become a Jesus freak! I laughed with him and I said not to worry, I won't.
So from this entire bad trip made me realize a lot about myself, I found many positive aspects in this otherwise frightful experience. Father M. also told me that the little old woman that I had initially approached was suffering with her own problems in life right now. He said he would make it a point to tell her how she was an instrument of God to me, and how much she helped me that morning. That made me feel so good inside. I realized that if you put yourself to it, you could get a second chance to make amends with life. I have told my friends that they always can find a positive in a negative experience. So when I went home Sunday night, I said hi to my mom, got my doggy and went for a long walk. The second chance begins here.
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i used to eat yellow Play-doh as a child.
**Disclaimer** In no way do i promote the use of these dangerous chemicals, do so at your own risk. Im not saying Drugs are bad (I love em') but they can be unpredictable. I also want to warn you that this will probrobly be one of the longest posts you will read, be patient, this was a very important experience to me, and i want to share it with you, because i know alot of you can possibly take something positive out of it.
Everyone gets a second chance in life - GHB, Ketamine and LSD - 12/8/00
As Friday rolled around, I became more and more excited for the weekend. It was going to be a blast. I had been sober for over 3 weeks, and was ready to party my ass off. It was my best friends 21st birthday, and I was going to make sure he had a better time than he could at a smelly ass bar.
I went to 'Exhale' well prepared. I had a tab of acid that I received from a friend who I would trust my life with (this will be my first time dropping acid). Plus I had a 20 bag of K. Well I dropped the tab at around 11:30 while waiting in line. Finally around 12:00 we got inside, and almost as soon as I walked in, I began talking to a friend of mine, we will call her A, as me and A talk about her going to Australia for the semester, my tab goes flying out of my mouth over the balcony….noooooo. Well, fuck it, the acid should have dissolved by then. Well I hit up the jungle room to check out my man Roc Raida, amazing is all I can say about that man. Well its 1:00 now and I'm not feeling a thing from the acid, so I go take a few bumps of my K to get me feelin' nice. Within 10 minutes I'm a happy little camper. I meet up with a friend named K and her friend S, the three of us hang out for a few, then I head down to the main floor to try and find another tab of acid. My luck seems to be going downhill, no one has any, but out of the blue a sketchy little character comes up to me and asks if I want some G! Hell fucking yeah I say. So I take two cap-fulls and head on my way, mind you I have never done G before either.
So I go find my little girls K and S, and I cling onto them like it's my job, I'm just feeling like a kite in the sky, I am the happiest I have been In a while. Just plain goofy I guess. So the three of us hang out and dance around for a while. Next I head on down to find my best friend and tell him how great G is, I can't find him but find the other 3 girls I came with, we proceed to the bleaches and indulge in some massages. Ah, so damn good. I finish off my bag of K, and I'm just stupid as hell now, I'm like a little rag-doll at this point. So I head up and find some more friends hanging around, we talk for a couple hours, until I'm basically sober again. I decide its time to find some good acid since my first tab shit the bed. I find a kid who is selling sugar cubes for 10$, I didn't want to pay that much but I figured I minus well since no one else seems to have any. I go to my friend A and ask her how to take it, she jokes and says to bite it in half, let it dissolve on my tongue and give her the other half, haha. I look back now and wish I had split it with her. Anyways, I drop the cube, and proceed to the main floor again.
30 minutes pass by and I begin to feel a body load coming on, I feel nausea approaching as well. But it soon dissipates, and the light show becomes magical in my eyes. The lasers and lights just stick out like nothing I have ever seen before. The music becomes very gooey and liquid-like and all smooshed together. But I enjoy the way everything sounds and looks. Soon thereafter everything begins to melt, people, music, the dance floor, I'm loving it. I begin to get very giddy and giggly. My friend S grabs me and asks if I'm tripping hard yet, I tell her yes, so she pulls me into the jungle room where we proceed to just chill out and cuddle against the back wall. She then turns and asks me if I want to "see" my emotions and feelings? I am so confused, but very intrigued. So I quickly say yes. She tell me to relax and lean back and concentrate on her voice. She then proceeds to touch my body in small circular motions in different spots and beings saying different types of emotions and asks me if I can see them, what do they look like, what do I see, do I like them, so forth and so on. She only mentions beautiful and loving emotions, nothing scary or bad. What I see during this time I will never for get for the rest of my life. It was a kaleidoscope of color and emotion, I could see my inner being swirling in vibrant color right in my head, I saw things like love, bliss, ecstasy, lust, happiness and peace. It was amazing as I saw these emotions I could begin to feel them as well, I remember become extremely sexual as soon as she said ecstasy. When she finished I didn't know what to say, all I could do was smile and say thank-you. I told her that was the most amazing thing that has even been done to me.
We head back into the main room eventually, and she finds out she has to leave, I have her take me to my friend M since I am tripping so hard I don't want to be left alone. We exchange numbers and find M. M takes hold of me for the next hour or so, I just sit there and giggle and look at all the lights, music sounds like a beautiful goo at this point. Finally M and me head down to the floor and find my original friends I came with. The party is coming to a close and I attach onto my friends to lead me out, I have no idea where I am and what's going on. We get to my car, and I plop my tripped out ass in my back seat and throw on some nice relaxing ambient tunes. I start flipping through all the flyers I have collected from the party, everything is swirling and moving on the flyers, it's so beautiful. The ride home is nice and relaxing, it gave me a chance to chill out. We arrive back up in New Hampshire around 7:00 in the morning to my friend J and N's house. We all head up stairs to bed, J hops in the shower and N passes out on the floor, leaving me all alone still tripping hard.
Now what happens next was the third and final step in a process I began back in October. What happened in the first two steps can be found at the following links.
Step/Trip 1: http://www.bluelight.ru/ubb/Forum30/HTML/000008.html?reload=13
Step/Trip 2: http://www.bluelight.ru/ubb/Forum30/HTML/000049.html?reload=8
The room I was in at this point began to look very scary and dirty, I felt as if I was in a crack house. So I got up and ran outside to get some fresh air. This helped me calm down a bit, so I headed back on up to the bedroom and try to sleep, but the bedroom looks more and more like the nightmare I had had in Trip/Step 2. So I get really freaked out because I don't want to go through a trip like I did that time. So I go back outside and go for a long walk down the road. I get my head clear and realize life is back to normal, people are up going to work and shopping, everyone is getting their Saturday morning breakfast. I instantly feel much better. I feel so much more cleared up I decide to go back to the house and get my buddy J to smoke some salvia with me. But when I get back inside, J is still in the shower and the house and room look exactly like the nightmare I had had from trip 2, I felt as though police were waiting outside for me. I freak out and go back outside. I decide I NEED to find a friend to talk to and I can't wait for J to get out of the shower. So I start walking back towards St. A's, which is about 2 miles away. I'm still all dressed in my rave gear, and I'm walking around in goffstown NH, a very down to earth hickville, so I am needless to say, sticking out like a sore thumb. I wander towards the school and begin to feel as if I'm no longer on earth, I'm just walking this nameless place all by myself. I begin to feel real dirty and sickly like I had in my trip #2. I am getting very scared at this point once again. I make my way to some apartment/housing complex near the school and I am wandering around on this hill, having no idea where I am. All the cars I look at have different license plates: Connecticut, New Hampshire, Vermont, Massachusetts, Virginia, New York…etc…so I am thoroughly convinced I'm no longer in NH, I'm in a nether world.
I begin to have an extreme pain in my crotch, and begin to proceed to a patch of wood so I can try to relieve myself, but I have no luck, something is making me live with this pain. So I wander around looking at all these cars, afraid if I stop moving I was either going to die or get sent to jail. I was almost ready to break into a car and steal it because I didn't care, since I was convinced I was going to die or go to jail already. I had no idea why I felt like I was going to jail I Hadn't done anything wrong that I knew of. Every time I look at my watch I realize that the second hand isn't moving, but time had changed since the last time I checked. So I finally decide to try and find the school, I felt as though it was near, so I see the road and I see a car driving, I figure if I go in that direction I would find some civilization and be able to figure out where i was. I get to the road and nearly get hit by three cars, so i run off into someone's yard. There are lots of piles of old wood and tanks, and old trucks and cars all run down and beat up. A man comes out of a barn and asks if I'm ok, I say yeah, and he notices I have mud satins all over my pants. He asks if I know what I'm doing, and I can't seem to answer him. Something is stopping me from talking coherently. Even his words are coming out distorted. I felt as though my life was going to end soon, but I knew I wasn't ready, I needed to apologize to my family for messing up, and I had to keep walking.
I head back onto the road and keep heading in one direction. As I near what I assumed was the school, I look behind me and see a cop car approaching me slowly. A female officer steps out and comes up to me. She asks what I was doing, and I told her I was walking back to school from M. C. (the house I had been at) she asks if I am ok, I say yeah, I just feel a little sick. She then just assumed I was at the cocktail party the night before and says "little too much to drink huh?" I comply. She asks to see my ID, so I pull out my license, which I luckily have in my pocket and show it to her. I was very afraid she was going to take me away to jail. She asked if I wanted a ride to campus, but I said no. The fresh air would do me good. So she sends me on my way. I keep heading towards campus until I finally reach the main grounds. I look up at the sun and I see the huge Cross on top of the Church right next to the sun, I finally felt at peace, so I trudged towards the church. I finally get close, but I feel as though a magnetic force was pushing me away from it, as though it was telling me "not yet". So I went to the entrance of the monastery and sat down. I quickly got very scared, I had this feeling in me that if I stopped moving I would die or be picked up by the police. So I got up and kept walking. I moved to the side of the monastery and this brilliant white statue of Jesus just came out of no where, it was amazingly beautiful. I approached it very cautiously, he was pointing with his finger to the heavens, he was perched upon a small set of steps, and each step had fresh branches from the pine trees leading up to the statue. I got on my knees and crawled ever so slowly up the steps, when I noticed there was an engraving on the bottom the statue. I then worried, I was afraid that I would find my name engraved on it or a message to me. So I said a quick prayer and got close enough to read the engraving. Luckily it didn't say anything in relation to me. So I bent down and kissed the statue's feet and said thank-you. I turned around and went on my way. I next headed towards my old dorm where I thought I would be able to find some friends who could help me. As I got closer I freaked out for some reason and threw most of the contents of my pockets in the sewer. What I threw in there consisted of around 140$ in cash, 2 pure mollies I had in a vial, the phone number for my friend S and my ticket stub. So I kept walking, and made my way to the back woods, I did this because I feared begin caught by security or the police. I then went near a nativity scene I saw near a building, I knelt down and kissed the baby Jesus. At this point I threw my licensee into the bushes figuring they wouldn't be able to figure out who I was without my ID.
When I got into the woods, I made it in there deep enough so I couldn't be seen. I looked back and saw a security jeep driving near by, so I freaked and threw more contents of my pockets into the woods. This time it consisted of my salvia, a bowl and a lighter. I then crouched down behind a fallen tree and waited patiently. I then felt great pain in my stomach and realized I had to keep moving or I would die. As I walked some more I noticed I was being drawn towards a very sharply broken tree stump, I got scared and knew if I got close it would end up killing me. So I headed in a new direction where I saw a pile of rocks, I began climbing the rocks and realized I was going to fall off and die, so I backed down and went in a new direction. I then came to a huge pile of broken down trees. I began climbing those, and quickly realized that I would die if I continued, so I went back down.
I finally made it out to the soccer field and basketball courts, everywhere I went I felt the end coming near, I also felt death approaching. I wouldn't let myself go near anything for I was afraid it was going to take my life. And I knew if I stopped moving I would die or the police would come. I started making apologies to my family and friends, I was in tears at this point because I felt as if I had disappointed my family, especially my mother, I just wanted to see them all one more time. I thought I saw my dog running around, but when I looked closer I realized it was someone else's dog. I made it to the center of the soccer field and was drawn to a little flag stuck in the ground. I didn't know what it meant, but I ran away from it. For some reason I thought there was a gun buried there, and if I found it, that would be the end of me. I kept saying out loud that I didn't want to die, not yet. Life is worth living, I told myself, not me, it's not my time. So I kept wandering in circles trying to figure out what to do. I knew I somehow had to make my way to the church, I knew I would be safe there (mind you I'm not a very religious person in regular life). As I got into one of the back parking lots I came near an old run-down car. As I neared it I heard gas pouring out of it, I then heard a match get lit, I backed off and said "NO". I wasn't going to go that way. I then came near some PVC piping all bundled up, I got freaked that the strap would snap and they would topple me, so I backed off again. I then headed back to the soccer field. I laid down because I felt it was over, I had no chance, as I looked down the road one last time I saw a police car heading my way, so I sprung back up, and it disappeared. So I continued towards campus. I got to the cafeteria and thousands of thoughts were racing through my head, too many to recall. I got inside the café. And saw a crucifix on the wall, I went up to it and kissed its feet and begged for a second chance, and apologized to my family and friends again. I then went into the bathroom and fell down on the floor of the stall, I looked around and it looked as if I was in a jail cell, so I got up and ran out of there heading towards the church. I made it to the science center where there was a green house with beautiful green plants growing in there, I stared at the plants for a long time realizing how peaceful they were.
I constantly felt that the police were going to take me away because for some reason I felt as if I had introduced the world to addictive drugs. That I was the rot cause for all the suffering and pain on the world, so they needed to get me, and put me away forever.
I Soon began trekking towards the church again, the whole time I felt like I was being pushed away by an invisible force, I wasn't ready to go there yet, I had more pain to suffer, and more things to see. I then came to the front of alumni hall where I all of a sudden took off my ex-girlfriends ring and threw it on the ground. I said all this was her fault, had we stayed together I never would have gone in this downward spiral. Then the sun warmed me and I felt peace, I picked the ring up and kissed it, and realized everything happens for a reason, and she made a difference in my life, I should be thankful for her. I looked up and saw the statue of St. Anselm, I went to it and begged for a second chance, telling him I didn't want to die just yet, I needed to make peace with the world. I soon felt an excruciating pain in my head, as if a stone had hit my head. I looked on the ground near alumni hall and noticed a huge splatter of something on the ground. I though that was going to be my dead body remains, so I got away from the hall as fast as possible. I then got closer to the church. I got to the front steps and just sat down there, but once again got afraid that if I stayed the police would grab me. So I went inside, I felt like I was being drawn in finally.
I got into the church and saw a huge crucifix on the wall, I laid down underneath it and told it that if I was going to go, take me now, this is where I need to be. But nothing happened, I felt something to my right, I looked over and noticed the dish of holy water standing there. I got up and went over to it, I wrapped my arms around it and looked straight in. There was so much love and peace radiating out of the dish, and the colors were so beautiful. I knew I was in the right place, but there was more for me to see. I looked up and noticed the doors to the interior of the church, I walked up to them and grabbed on, took a deep breath and opened the doors. I looked in and I felt majestic. I could feel gods love and grace radiating through me, I knew this was it. I walked down the main isle, and when I got to the middle I knelt down and kissed the floor, I begged for a second chance. I had then thought that my life had rewound, and god was showing me who I really was, at this point I felt as though he was showing me that I was something more powerful than human. I looked up and noticed the main crucifix hanging there, it was pulsating with emotions and colors. So I walked towards it and went to the altar. I laid my arms and head down on the altar and said thank-you and apologized to my family again. I then looked up and noticed the priest's chair, it was pulsating purple, so I headed towards it, but noticed a little old woman to the left in a pew. I looked at her and told her I need to talk. I got to her and fell on the floor in front of her and grasped onto her lap and told her I didn't want to die, I wasn't ready yet. I told her not to let me out of her site until I was ok. She looked at me and told me I was going to be ok, god was going to take care of us, that's why I was there. She calmed me down a great deal, soon a priest came up to me and asked me if I needed to talk, I said yes and he led me to the basement of the church. I was still scared that police were surrounding the building, but I knew I was safe inside the church.
We went down into the lower church and sat in a pew together, I curled up in a ball and just felt all the pain inside of me getting more and more intense. This priest Father A started asking me simple questions, like what my name was, and how I got there, and where I was from. I was able to answer most of these questions. Then he asked me what I had taken the night before that put me in the state of mind, all I could think of was ecstasy, so that's what I told him I took. He went onto tell me that he didn't know much about that drug, but he knew it was very dangerous, and that by taking that destructive material into my body I was making myself destructive. I then told him how I was so sorry for messing up in life and that I just wanted to see my mom and family one more time before I had to go. And I begged him for a second chance. He then told me not to worry because god gives everyone a second chance, sometimes 3rd and 4th chances. As soon as he said this all of the pain in my stomach dissipated it was at that moment I had known I was going to be ok. I felt everything winding down to God and me at this moment, I knew that god was the answer, he was going to give me the second chance in life I wanted to badly. Then Father A called over Father M, they both questioned me some more about what I had done and who I was staying with and how I had gotten there. They also asked why I feared that I was going to die. I explained to them that it was because I had disappointed my mother and family in life, and because of that I had to punish myself. But I didn't want to die yet, I was scared and I knew I wanted to live life out. Then told me not to worry, that I was going to be ok, and God will give me a second chance if I work at it. So they took me into their office and sat me down. We cleared the air as to what I was all about, I talked about my job and that I used to go to that college and that I was in school now part time. Then Father M said he wanted to call my mom and tell her they were talking to me and that I was going to be ok and I was going to come home when I felt better. I got real scared they were going to call her and she was going to know what I did. So they called and no one picked up. Thank God. They said that nothing would happen to me if I promised one thing, that I come back to campus at 6:00 and have dinner with Father M. I agreed to this cheerfully saying how dinner would be awesome because we would get to talk some more about some things that were going on in my life. I then realized that I had told them I had been on E, I corrected myself and told them what I was really on, they just looked at me with puzzled faces, sounded like I had eaten alphabet soup…k, GHB and LSD. So Father M. drove me to the house I was staying at, wrote me a note to remind me about dinner and said good-bye.
I slept for a couple hours and got up because so much was going through my head. I finally got to dinner and we talked for a few hours about my life and my dabbling in the world of drugs. I explained to him my first two trips and how this had been the third and final step in a 3 step process. We came to the conclusion that this was what I needed in life, my mother has been nudging me along in life to get me to do what I need to get done, but she hasn't been a strong enough kick. And that's what this trip did, it made me realize that if I don't start to run my own life, I was going to end either dead, or a worthless waste of space. We decided I was going to have to take charge of life when I got home. My first issue of change was going to be me taking my dog for walks everyday, she need the exercise (she's a little on the tubby side). I then would begin looking for a more challenging job giving me the challenge I need in life, I would also become more responsible with my money. This is just the beginning, but everything needs to be done at a slow pace. You can't just jump into something like this I realized. I also decided I needed to take a long break from psychedelics, if not all drugs. Father M. and I ended up going to the Saturday night vigil together, it was one of the most peaceful experiences of my life. I finally felt a message in church. As we left Father M. told me just because this incident involved God and church, it doesn't mean I have to become a Jesus freak! I laughed with him and I said not to worry, I won't.
So from this entire bad trip made me realize a lot about myself, I found many positive aspects in this otherwise frightful experience. Father M. also told me that the little old woman that I had initially approached was suffering with her own problems in life right now. He said he would make it a point to tell her how she was an instrument of God to me, and how much she helped me that morning. That made me feel so good inside. I realized that if you put yourself to it, you could get a second chance to make amends with life. I have told my friends that they always can find a positive in a negative experience. So when I went home Sunday night, I said hi to my mom, got my doggy and went for a long walk. The second chance begins here.
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i used to eat yellow Play-doh as a child.
