I can't stand being sober anymore. [Might be triggering and Long, Sorry]

Hey, I'm new here. I've been thinking whether I should post or not, but I'm pretty depressed at the moment, so here we go. Sorry in advance for any spelling\grammar Errors - English is my second language.

I'm a 31 years Old Woman. Married, no kids yet - we're currently working on it . I've been suffering from depression and anxiety since I was very young. I never found myself in the world and always felt aliented and confused - what I now know is "derealization". I started drinking when I was 14. I almost always binged, Usually going into black-outs and full-on puke fests. I used to skip school a lot, cut myself, and had a hard time with my therapist. Somehow, I managed to finish high school, and then It started to get messy. I used to smoke pot here and there while in high school, but When I finished high school I was so confused about my life, I didn't sign up straight into college and decided to take a year off to work and think.

The next few years, between the ages of 19-22 were a haze. I used to go out and party 3-4 times a week, And live for the weekend. I couldn't stay with a guy for over a week, and this caused troublesome sexual behavior. I started doing drugs. Many drugs. Most of them made me feel terrible but I kept doing them anyway because they made me feel like I'm not myself for a few hours. Ecstasy made me go into Serotonin Syndrome twice (the other times It just made me anxious), Weed made me paranoid, Coke made me a dickhead. It escalated into doing morphine and heroin - and I liked those, and I was scared that I like them. around the age of 22, I tried 2C-I with a friend and had a very bad trip that triggered my panic disorder and I'm still pretty traumatized about it.
So I quit doing drugs. I had a few bingy nights, I confess, but I felt miserable. I was mentally fatigued, physically sick (udnerweight and slept for days) and confused. So I quit doing drugs Completly. I started college, finished it with great success, quit drinking alcohol completly, Met my future husband while on the road to sober-dom (He was a party monster like me, earlier). BTW, He quit drugs completly other than weed.

I started taking therapy seriously. I got on zoloft and a low dose of klonopin, and it got me back into "normal". I work. I sleep. I eat. I'm sober.
I was quite happy with my sober life, until last year. On may 2013 I quit smoking, the only vice I had left, and since then, I can't stand being sober. I can't stand going out and being with friends who talk about drugs and booze, I can't enjoy parties because I feel everyone is having fun while I'm there, hating every minute of it. Everyone is so proud at me for quitting smoking, but the truth is that I suffer greatly. Not because I miss cigarettes, mind you - I miss feeling like I "own" my self destruction. So here I am, completely sober for over 8 years, and I hate it.

I'm angry at drug users, I'm angry at myself. I feel bad because I don't do drugs anymore, but I hated being on drugs. I feel like I need to escape, and I don't know how.

That's a totally natural reaction to be having, but it's a very difficult one. I used to feel the same when I was completely clean, very jealous of people who could use drugs without fucking up, very jealous of people who had used drugs more heavily than me, very jealous of people who hadn't used drugs at all and had got on with their lives and achieved loads of stuff whilst they getting on with life and I was getting fucked up.

For me it was, and still is, a situational thing, I always felt that everyone else was somehow having more fun than me or was more interesting than me. I was unhappy and felt the need to escape because I wasn't happy with where I was in life. Looking back (and at my current situation), I would say that really I wasn't even craving any particular drug, I was just unhappy with the place that I was in. Hence the need to escape from it. Maybe it might be worth looking at your life and examining why it is that you feel the need to escape? What could you do to move you towards a position where you're content with who you are and what you're doing so you don't feel like you're misssing out by not being able to drink/use drugs? Your situation seems to be indicative of the fact you're not happy in yourself if you're craving doing something that you don't even enjoy to escape. What could be done to change that?

I recognise that none of those are easy questions to answer, if I had the answers to them for myself I wouldn't be here posting now. On a more short-term/practical note maybe it's worth considering avoiding these situations that make you feel that way and replacing them with some oother form of social activity?

This is in no way encouraging you to take drugs or alcohol, but on a personal note I would be much happier in myself having an occasional drink out with my mates than being addicted to clonazepam and SSRIs. I'm very against using anti-depressants or benzos for the treatment of anything except the most extreme cases personally, but that's just my opinion. Only you can know what's best for you though and whether you could make that work or whether it would be beneficial for you.

omen_owen mk2 said:

That's a totally natural reaction to be having, but it's a very difficult one. I used to feel the same when I was completely clean, very jealous of people who could use drugs without fucking up, very jealous of people who had used drugs more heavily than me, very jealous of people who hadn't used drugs at all and had got on with their lives and achieved loads of stuff whilst they getting on with life and I was getting fucked up.

For me it was, and still is, a situational thing, I always felt that everyone else was somehow having more fun than me or was more interesting than me. I was unhappy and felt the need to escape because I wasn't happy with where I was in life. Looking back (and at my current situation), I would say that really I wasn't even craving any particular drug, I was just unhappy with the place that I was in. Hence the need to escape from it. Maybe it might be worth looking at your life and examining why it is that you feel the need to escape? What could you do to move you towards a position where you're content with who you are and what you're doing so you don't feel like you're misssing out by not being able to drink/use drugs? Your situation seems to be indicative of the fact you're not happy in yourself if you're craving doing something that you don't even enjoy to escape. What could be done to change that?

I recognise that none of those are easy questions to answer, if I had the answers to them for myself I wouldn't be here posting now. On a more short-term/practical note maybe it's worth considering avoiding these situations that make you feel that way and replacing them with some oother form of social activity?

This is in no way encouraging you to take drugs or alcohol, but on a personal note I would be much happier in myself having an occasional drink out with my mates than being addicted to clonazepam and SSRIs. I'm very against using anti-depressants or benzos for the treatment of anything except the most extreme cases personally, but that's just my opinion. Only you can know what's best for you though and whether you could make that work or whether it would be beneficial for you.

Click to expand...

You hit the nail on the head, I guess. It's the jealousy that drives me crazy. I'm not currently happy, and instead of coping with it, I'm thinking about escaping it the only way I know - and I'm not going to go there again. I think I need better hobbies
I'm allowed to have an occasional drink, by the way, but I'm just terrified of drinking. I'm afraid of having a terrible time. I'd love a nice beer but I'm scared of getting shitfaced.

I know exactly where you're coming from, and omen certainly did a good analysis. I am sort of going through the same thing... knowing I hate being myself sober, but hate doing drugs, the "escape" drugs, like opiates (I view drugs like psychedelics a little differently), because after a couple of weeks I just end up addicted and my life turns out just as bad but just in different ways, and I feel there is no escape. I myself am making changes to my life. I have a secure job with a decent salary and pension, yet I am currently in the process of applying for the peace corps, after which I will probably travel around South America or Southeast Asia teaching English and/or working in hostels, because the natural high of traveling and meeting others who have a naturally high vibe and go with the flow... I can relate to. While it is not a safe and secure route, it is the route that I feel makes me the most happy.

So I think you should figure out what makes you happy. Work is a big part of it, as we spend most of our lives at work. "Money" is something that will come if you're good at it. You will only be good at something that you are passionate about. Having said that, there is a difference between a job, a career and a vocation. A job is just that... a job. You do it for a paycheck, and can't wait for your time off on weekends and vacations. A career is somewhere in the middle, you can deal with it, and like to proceed through the rankings to make more and more money, but usually just to buy things to don't need to temporarily make you happy, be it drugs or not. A vocation is something different. It is your gifts + your passion. What are you good at? What do other people tell you you're good at? Are you good at physical things? Connecting to people? Adding humor to situations? Woodworking? Explaining things? And what are your interests? What do you really care for in life? Combine all of this and you will find your vocation. Almost every job involves a vocational aspect. But it depends on the percentage. If you find you utilizing your gifts combined with your passions only 40% of the time or less, it is just a job. If you find yourself utilizing these things 80-100% of the time, you have found your vocation. With a vocation, there is no separation between work and play. There is no need to escape. There is no need for drugs besides the occasional recreational use. I am in the process myself of going through this process, and I am almost 30 myself. So don't be afraid to try new things and experiment. Some of your gifts and passions you probably already know. Learn how to utilizing them, maybe even at your current job. It could just involve a change in perspective. Just know that you are not alone.

I think I have been where you are at. I eventually ended up using for around 2 years. My experience was I had way more fun sober then using. Its impossible for me to have "fun" when drinking/using because I become so obsessive about it.

phactor said:

I think I have been where you are at. I eventually ended up using for around 2 years. My experience was I had way more fun sober then using. Its impossible for me to have "fun" when drinking/using because I become so obsessive about it.

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NOPE! Not going to go there. I'm so depressed and anxious I'm even thinking about starting to take more klonopins then I'm supposed to, but I'm NOT going to it.
I just want to know how to let myself go. It has been so long since I've been doing drugs\drinking, why do I feel so obsessed about it all of a sudden?

Hi PhillCutter,
i suppose that your feeling "obsessed about it" it can be easily called a sort of "craving".
You know u don't want drugs anymore but the chemistry in your brain ask for them...
Removing this last addiction (nicotine) probably caused an new unbalance, i know few cases similar to you.
But here I come with what you can do.
Is not a medical advice, just my opinion as alcoholic in treatment with an RX that works really well.: Baclofen
I'm taking Baclofen from a year and half and really don't have any craving anymore, I drink just occasionally, if I decide to do it.
Baclofen "simply" kills the craving and bring you to a point where you can really choose if to use a substance or not, without having the physical need!
Too long to tell you here how it works but is a safe and cheap drug (used from the 70s in Multiple Sclerosis)
Two important precautions are to don't have problems w kidneys and to don't suspend the treatment cold-turkey. That's all.

Try inform yourself, is full of medical studies and Clinical Trials + testimonials about Baclofen and alcohol, cocaine, heroin, meth etc.
When you are well informed go and ask your Dr for a prescription.
This is my humble suggestion based on my experience and on studying what is Gabab and how it works.
Let me know what u think about it...

Jimmy69 said:

Hi PhillCutter,
i suppose that your feeling "obsessed about it" it can be easily called a sort of "craving".
You know u don't want drugs anymore but the chemistry in your brain ask for them...
Removing this last addiction (nicotine) probably caused an new unbalance, i know few cases similar to you.
But here I come with what you can do.
Is not a medical advice, just my opinion as alcoholic in treatment with an RX that works really well.: Baclofen
I'm taking Baclofen from a year and half and really don't have any craving anymore, I drink just occasionally, if I decide to do it.
Baclofen "simply" kills the craving and bring you to a point where you can really choose if to use a substance or not, without having the physical need!
Too long to tell you here how it works but is a safe and cheap drug (used from the 70s in Multiple Sclerosis)
Two important precautions are to don't have problems w kidneys and to don't suspend the treatment cold-turkey. That's all.

Try inform yourself, is full of medical studies and Clinical Trials + testimonials about Baclofen and alcohol, cocaine, heroin, meth etc.
When you are well informed go and ask your Dr for a prescription.
This is my humble suggestion based on my experience and on studying what is Gabab and how it works.
Let me know what u think about it...

Click to expand...

Hey Jimmy, I don't think you understand the root of my problem and you're just advertising Baclofen.

Hey PillCutter,
I'm sorry if my intervention appeared to you like that :-( but I have to admit that I mistake "8 years w 8 months" while reading your post.
So my answer...
In this case the things are completely different, now i can see your point.
I have no answers for that other than... just try keep strong!
Sincerely sorry for inopportune post (maybe it will be useful for someone else!).

PillCutter said:

Hey Jimmy, I don't think you understand the root of my problem and you're just advertising Baclofen.

Click to expand...

I like this response. I am not bashing Baclofen because it works well. However, if I had the issues that pillcutter apparently had, I would not personally feel comfortable with Baclofen.

I have read the whole "my way out" forums but I know that wouldn't work for me. My drinking and using is but a small symptom of my overall problem.

Jimmy69 said:

Hey PillCutter,
I'm sorry if my intervention appeared to you like that :-( but I have to admit that I mistake "8 years w 8 months" while reading your post.
So my answer...
In this case the things are completely different, now i can see your point.
I have no answers for that other than... just try keep strong!
Sincerely sorry for inopportune post (maybe it will be useful for someone else!).

Click to expand...

Yeah, I doubt if it's still chemical dependance 8 years later

Phactor, I think that is one of the most difficult parts of recovery because everything gets (logically) focussed on the substance, withdrawals, PAWS, sobriety, etc but that does not begin to touch what lay underneath the need to use to excess. Identifying the feelings that you are afraid to feel and then exploring why they elicit that need to run or mask or numb is really getting down to the level that is screaming to be heard whether you are in addiction or not.