Relapse after month off of opiates and to my surprise my outlook has changed...

Mannnn, I fucked up.
I work at a job where the majority of my income comes from tips. So needless to say, I have plenty of cash.
The funny thing is, I relapsed with some pills I got as a tip!
A good portion of the service area I work in is the hood, and this delivery was located smack dab in the middle of it.

As i pulled up to the property I called the number on my half of the receipt. A man, which the paper work told me was named Will, answered and I let them know I would be at the door in a minuet. I asked if he wanted me to buzz their apartment number or if he would like to come down and meet me at the door.

"Here I come." He answered.

I stood outside the locked lobby and after a short wait, Will opened the door. We exchanged pleasantries. As I waited for the money to be counted, Will complained in passing that his back had been hurting for some time now, and that it was really bad today. I really hate small talk, mostly because I am awful to chit-chat with, but this time I sensed an opportunity.

"You know, if you go to a doctor he will probably give you some happy pain pills!" I said half jokingly, eager for a response.

Taking the bag from my hand, he replied; "Oh I already did, I got em upstairs."

A smile sprang up across my face.
"You know, you can feel free to tip me with some...."

"Really? What you looking for?" He said, still looking down, going over the itemized receipt.

I proceeded to rattle off my favorite pills.<snip>

He told me to hold on and about six minuets later he showed up and reached his fist out, knuckles up.

I opened my palm and into it fell five little green pills that I immediately knew to be some allotment of generic Oxycontin, they were crushable. Joy welled up inside of me. I tried my best to play it cool. I thanked the man and walked out. The smile broke as soon as I turned my back.

I got into my truck, still smiling ear to ear. The high I get when I know I'm about to use is, in my opinion, almost as good as actually <using.>. I had to look them up on my phone. It had been a while since I dealt with pills. Before I quit I was using heron for about two years and in that time I forgot all the codes and colors. They were 15s. <snip> Before I could <use> I got a phone call. It was from the number I had called before I met up with Will.

"Hello?"

"Hey, this is Tanya (not her real name). You just delivered to my boyfriend."

<description of a standard getting to know you drug deal>

I told her that I would be right back for six <snip>. Apparently her boyfriend didint ask her if he could tip me with the 15s but she said it was fine. I popped a U-E and, six or seven blocks later, was back in her lobby . This time she came down and we introduced ourselves. She gave me what I came for and I paid the lady.

This was Sunday night. It is now Friday and I have been back everyday, picking up anywhere from four to ten 40s each day. (The time I got 10 <and did various things with them>.)

She reups today and surely I will be back as soon as she gets home.

I really disappointed myself for not having the resolve to not ask for them, and I hate myself for going back everyday since. The thing is, I enjoy the networking associated with trying to score and making new connects. I use to be the guy amongst my friends who could get his hands on anything, and for a good price at that. But now, I dont want to be, or rather I'm not that person anymore. My girlfriend is completely sober. We have been seeing each other for over a year and a half now, and are so very in love. So much so that she put up with my hard-drug use for much longer than I deserved, and then took care of me while I was quitting opiates cold-turkey. Just today she mentioned how she is so glad I got clean because she wouldn't have been able to put up with the drug use if I hadint quit. My heart broke, but I kept my poker face.

I managed to spend a month clean from opiates, and actually spent nearly all the days completely sober. About a week and a half after the acutes were over, I felt genuinely good, and was starting to feel great. I had signed up for summer classes, was getting up early and making breakfast, etc. My point is is that I was happy damn it. I didint even want to get high, or I should say I wasint actively seeking, but as soon as the opportunity arose to see if I could score, and score for free on top of it, I pounced on it like a junky-lion for the dope-gazelle. And now I'm back feeling retarted all day long. Not sick persay, more like hung over and that is making me think about using. Ofcourse as soon as I think about it, I decide I will pick up that day, and the cycle goes on and on and on and on. I can hide the 20 some odd dollars I have been spending daily, but I cant hide my pupils or my hangover. I have been balming my tiny pin-pricks of pupils on the kramton, but I only have a days worth left.

I deleted all my dope-boy numbers, I even deleted my using friend's numbers even though they promised they wouldint help score, but my mind will not let me delete this cheap pill hook. What the fuck, I really didint think of myself to be that type of user. One who would ignore the consequences of using indefinitely. I always kept a job, paid rent, kept in touch with the important people in my life, acknowledged the negative aspects of using, and tended to act on them. What I am trying to say is that I was a highly functional junky. This time it seems different though, its as if the high and the comfort of knowing that I can get it cheap is becoming more important than some very important aspects of my life.

I dont even know what I am looking for from you guys.... I guess I just wanted to get it out there. Any advice is welcome.... I'm just so pissed off that;

• A:I relapsed and
• B:That I would even consider keeping this number and continuing to use knowing that a very short distance down the road, this will endanger my relationship with the girl I love and consider to be "the one".

TL;DR: Then dont worry about responding.

How you doing, ExInMil?

That's real tough. You were literally thrown into the situation. I probably would have reacted similarly to you. Prescription opiates are something that I just cannot get enough of, and my brain seems to always be craving them.

What I suggest doing is trying to stay clean for yourself. It takes a lot of self control, believe me, I know. And it's a struggle. However, once you are clean, you'll feel so much better, have less stress, less worry, etc. I know you said there is a lady in your life, but try not to stay clean for her. She can be a motivating factor, yes, but make sure that you do this for yourself.

I know you can. We all can. We all have it in us.

Hey folks,
Soooo, two nights ago my girlfriend checked my bank account and saw I had taken out some funds.
She called me up while I was working and questioned me as to why I needed the cash. As always when
I am put on the spot about this, I blurted out a lie.

She called me out on it right away and instead of trying to keep up a facade, I admitted what it was for.
Not surprisingly she didint take it well, telling me that we are no longer together. The rest of the night
was spent arguing on and off, which culminated in her telling me she was going to let my parents know
about my on going problem.

My father is under the impression that I quit two years ago when I had admitted to him I was withdrawing.
He was very helpful and understanding at the time, but since then he has told me it would break his heart
and might even kill him (he is almost 70) if I was to be an addict again. Needless to say I love my parents
and don't want to stress them with my problem. My father decided it would be best if my mother never knew
and so my mother dosint know anything about my addiction. Luckily, my girlfriend didnt end up calling them.

When we both calmed down she told me she would like a week by herself to try and figure out what it is she
wants to do. I agreed. I slept at home that night but since then have been staying on a friends floor.
She actually went on this fourm and found this post I wrote. I think her reading my true feelings on
the situation helped....

So there you have it. Thanks for checking in Firebird.

Ad lib, when I quit for that month I did quit for myself. First and foremost. But now that I relapsed, it seems
as that urge to get clean is gone.

I have been exploring some options for leaving this city and state. Find a new start somewhere, hopefully
with my girl. That seems like the only solution, for if I am here, I don't think I can realistically achieve
full, long, healing sobriety.

Thanks again for keeping up with me. Much Love.

ExlnMil I know this is an old post but curious on how you are doing? In in a similar situation myself its so hard!!! Wandering what your outcome has been? I've learned moving far away doesn't work there's always another situation you run across with just mentioning pain killers to a random person and there's a chance you might have them right in your reach again!!!
When I was reading your post you said something about using Kramton to hide your pin pointing puples just curious what is it never heard of it I know its an off the wall question thought I new all the little tricks? Just Curiosity driving me nutty!!
Anyway I have been actively doing the opiates for over 15 years with 6 months clean and a relapse just this week my husband is very supportive and understanding he now and haven't had a urge to hide anything from he himself went threw himself In looking at it as a bump in the road an striving to staying sober a relapse can't define my sobriety I didn't go cold turkey though taking suboxen which I feel helps my bad craving and plan to when off when I feel more comfortable that I won't relapse again. Hope all is well with you wandering how you have been science your last post.

omg if you were in my area u and got those for free, you could flip them for a pretty penny. ALLLL profit bye bye delivery job lulz.

Some people especially elderly have NO IDEA that they could easily have 10k sitting their med cabinets. Its unreal if you think about it. Hopefully he doesnt use them often, has a lot, and you get to go back.

Either way id seriously call him up offer him a nice amount of money for them knowing your gonna sell em for triple a pop haha. I wonder if he realizes how much money he tipped you if you were to go that route.

A man can dream eh

But to your dilemma. In a way you are "cheating on your girlfriend" we LOVE LOVE LOVE opiates and we love em hard. Did i say hard? Well i mean hard. And generally in life unless your filthy rich you dont get to have both drugs, and a great life. Drugs take over and its time to choose one. Good life or drugs which in turn create shitty life.

Back to your affair. Your sneaking around, hiding stuff from your girl, probably having less sex with her as opiates kill sex drive. Everything someone dose during an affair (sneaking, hiding, betraying trust, less sex with significant other) is what your doing so its time to make a choice cuz ur girl was a ride with ya die with ya type of girl who stuck it through with you. Im not trying to make you feel bad but you are so CLOSE to losing it all my friend and i been there.

If you do not stop or figure this shit out ASAP you will regret it for the rest of your life. We know the pills arent worth it. Save yourself but more importantly save your girl cuz she dont deserve that. Dont let it get to the point where 5 years from now, this little blip ruined it all where you gotta think "what if......." Forever.

Keep us updated broski i wish you best


Edit: after my post i saw you updated it abd unfortunatky everything i said would happen did happen and im sorry. BUT BUT BUT BUT i have some good news that ithers may ir may not disagree with.

Your relationship has bedn doomed bro. What is the #1 thing needed for successful relationship? Trust trust trust. The fact your girlfriend was checking your bank account shows she doesnt trust you and prob never will therefor your relationship with her will never work. Itll end up causing many future fights and the trust just will never be there. This is a blessing in disguise so more years arent wasted. And the fact she threatened to tell your father? Lol come on.

Move on good luck.

Edit #2

My dad never told my mom about my opiate addiction either because it would have broken her heart. Cheers to our pops lol. Rock on

Edit #3. Drugs are everywhere, addiction is in the brain. The brain is always with you no matter where you lived. 100% of ppl i know who moved out of state always found drugs and kept addiction going. I moved from NY to colorado and found meth tar perks relatively quick, now back in NY. Location does nothing for addiction just makes it a little more difficult. Maybe youll be the exception and i could be wrong i just dont wabt you ti think you move somewhere thsts it all done. It doesnt work like that for 99.9 percent of addicts. Whether its a new city or bumblefuk back woods IF YOU DONT FIX THE BRAIN AND WAY OF THINKING YOULL FIND THE DRUGS/ALCOHOL.