Fear of Relapse. Please Help

Hi, this is my first post in this forum and I rely need someone to talk to because I have nobody in my actual life to talk to without attending a meeting and I don't want to do that. I've been sober from cocaine since December 2011. About a year and a half. Before that I had a weekly habit for about 8 months. I spent a ton of money risked my marriage by hiding it from my spouse and even had a trip to the hospital alone at 4am after my heart wouldn't stop beating fast for 2 hrs. I continued my use for another month and then I got pregnant.I was relieved and stated soybeans had a beautiful daughter. She is now 10 minigolf and the light of my life. I'm really enjoying motherhood and we moved into a beautiful new home, I lost all my baby weight and busted my ass over the wintertime lose an additional 25 lbs I've had on for the past 5 years.I started running 3 times a week. I also haven't had a cigarette in 17 months. I have everything going for me right now. Even an amazing career that I've been on maternity leave from and I go back in 2 months.

Now here's the part I need help with. My husband is going away for a couple days next week and I'm scared I'm going to relapse. I still occasionally smoke weed and its my same dealer I can get coke from. I find my mind fantasizing about my mom watching my daughter for the night and me doing a half and feeling free and having fun. Then I realize I could lose everything if I got caught or worse what if it started my addiction up again? I feel disgusted with my self for these feelings but then I feel exited. I've had the devil on my shoulder for the past few days and I rely need to talk. If I got arrested id lose everything, even though odds are I wouldn't. I know my dealer but there its always that chance. Please help me, I don't want to relapse!

I'm an alcoholic so my issues aren't with something you can call someone up and get illegally but it's with a drug that's there and easily available that can be bought and consumed at any hour of the day or night.

I do fear a relapse but I have been sober for 9 almost 10 months now so I've came so far I don't want to fuck up or get back to how I used to be as it was a total nightmare. I don't use any drugs at all including cannabis since it's not conductive to staying sober and it's just another drug or substitute addiction.

Think about how far you've come, how long you've been sober, and stay very busy for the next few days even if it's just doing things like watching movies, cleaning, exercising, or doing whatever you can so you don't call up your mom and tell her to watch your kid and more importantly you don't call the dealer. Also think about your kid and how if you got arrested how you might lose custody of her. It's only for a few days I have been there with alcohol but I just would stay in contact with friends talking to them and keep busy the way I wrote about. Good luck and you can do this. Does your husband know you're a cocaine addict and had problems with drugs? Can you stay in contact with him while he's away?

BTW I don't see it as a bad thing that you're fearing a relapse. I see this as a healthy thing for myself since it puts things into perspective and as addicts we should keep in mind that yeah you can get addicted to other drugs or other things, and that a relapse is possible but not completely preventable. In the past when I had fuck ups when I would drink massive amounts of alcohol with alcoholic friends or on vacation, or alone I saw it not as a mistake but as a chance to learn and grow.

I'm not sure what you meant in your post how you said you were relieved and started soybeans? Did you get into gardening or eating healthy after you were pregnant and getting sober? Also what did you mean by how your daughter is 10 and minigolf does that mean you both like to play miniature golfing? Or were they just typos or were you posting on a cellphone, tablet, or some device like that?

I've never gone to AA/NA or meetings but some people find them helpful ever think about going to one or a few for the next few days? Also keep posting and writing here as many people here on bluelight, myself included find this forum to be helpful.

Those were typos! LOL sorry. I meant sober not soybeans and my daughter is 10 months not 10 mini golf. Thanks for the reply, I'll try to stay busy. I just hate these using thoughts in my head.

You've come a long way.

Focus on what you have right now: husband, daughter, sober time, a loving family..

What you're experiencing right now are only thoughts. You're still clean! Is there anything you can do with your daughter while your hubby is away to keep you occupies? Any day trips? It doesn't have to cost a lot of money, it can be as simple as going for a nice walk in a park and having a home made picnic (considering how old your child is).

The key and point that I'm trying to stress is to keep yourself busy because you've come so far

How have you resisted cravings in the past?

It was easy in the past because I was pregnant, breastfeeding or never was away from my husband over night. This is the first real time that none of those apply and I could get a sitter and potentially get away with it. Now I'm having these feelings I haven't had in over a year. I want to delete my dealers number but then I can't get marijuana which I still occasionally use....I just with I didn't have access to coke. I guess this us my first real big test.

Shootingstar22 said:

I find my mind fantasizing about my mom watching my daughter for the night and me doing a half and feeling free and having fun.

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The thing about her.. is she lies.. she always whispers into our ear how she is going to make us feel like a god.. addiction takes a snap shot.. the snapshot is from ages ago and is only from a brief second of all the effects of the coke.. play the whole movie.. something like this..


cant wait.. she whispering and I just bought into her lies..
its going to be great..
just picked up.. cant wait..
alright.. done..
man this isnt great..
wow this actually sucks..
maybe another one is the trick..
a little better but not good..
another one..
WOW I feel like ass, holy shit all the magic in me has faded..
all agitated.. maybe a cocktail..
well thats a little better.. but really why in the hell..
another one..
wow I feel crazy.. man I cant believe i fell for this again..
another one.. not feeling better feeling worse.. cant really walk or talk with any ease at all..
another one..
shit.. wtf.. this shit is lame..
another one..
wow i feel like someone kicked me into hell and everyone is going to find out..
and for what this shit makes me feel wretched..
another one, wooo, getn low.. just wanted to have a taste.. want more, but its making me feel nasty... still want more..
last one, make it big.. fuuuck i'm tweaked.. walk into the babies room all spun.. man this is retarded.. holy shit do o feel whacked.. fuckn all pieced out..
wait is that someone at the door.. holy man i cant have anyone see me like this, they will know my souls been extinguished for the time being.. fk this shit.. what the hell.. WHY..
alright now im done for sure.. holy crap what was i thinking.. man i have made it so far from this crap.. never doing this again..
jonesing..
thinking of making that call..
no fck that..
jonesing but finally coming down a little bit, thank the heavens.. why in the hell do it remember this as fun..
wow I'm so stupid this shit is lame..
wtf.. Guilt while looking at the pictures of your family on the wall.. and for what.. this fukn gross ass feeling..
wow need to remember why I stopped this insanity in the first place..
done..
ugg feeling like shit now..

The good times with lady C are done and nothing will bring them back..
every time she whispers ( or screamz) that she will make you feel that way again..

call her out... SHE LIES, DON'T GET PLAYED

Thank you so much! I needed to hear that

Delete or burn your dealers number ?

Maybe it's time to give up the weed too. Delete the dealers number. What if you go to get weed one time and he offers you to "test" his new product? Or has a really good deal " just for you"? After awhile he's gonna want your business back and try for it by offering free or cheap coke, or worse he may be offering something else and a new addiction blooms. Dealers are usually not your friends,even if they pretend to care, they want your money ... Bottom line. I dealt for a long time and I would drive from "friends" house to house offering a taste. After about an hour I'd b sold out. Don't fall for it. Drop the weed or find a weed only dealer, or maybe even a close friend to buy it for you!
I overcame a 4 year intense 3 gram a day addiction, the cravings and fantasies i would have were aweful It finally took enough of those relapse nights of no sleep n having to function in the morning for me to say fuck this shit for good! I actually became over sensitized to it and the littlest bump tweaks me out hardcore ;/ not fun
Best of luck to you. . you can do this!!! Everytime you get that urge just pick up your little bundle of joy and hold her till it passes

Alikat said:

Maybe it's time to give up the weed too. Delete the dealers number. What if you go to get weed one time and he offers you to "test" his new product? Or has a really good deal " just for you"? After awhile he's gonna want your business back and try for it by offering free or cheap coke, or worse he may be offering something else and a new addiction blooms. Dealers are usually not your friends,even if they pretend to care, they want your money ... Bottom line. I dealt for a long time and I would drive from "friends" house to house offering a taste. After about an hour I'd b sold out. Don't fall for it. Drop the weed or find a weed only dealer, or maybe even a close friend to buy it for you!
I overcame a 4 year intense 3 gram a day addiction, the cravings and fantasies i would have were aweful It finally took enough of those relapse nights of no sleep n having to function in the morning for me to say fuck this shit for good! I actually became over sensitized to it and the littlest bump tweaks me out hardcore ;/ not fun
Best of luck to you. . you can do this!!! Everytime you get that urge just pick up your little bundle of joy and hold her till it passes

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all very good advice here.

how are you doing now, shootingstar?

I would second giving up weed for the time being. Right now you have a whole new life starting and you want to be present for it! Develop your own interests while you are developing the bonds as a family. Making sure that you have time for yourself is good but if it triggers you to use, you need to have strategies for that. Wanting to use might simply be wanting to connect with people, with other adults having a good time. There are lots of ways to do that without being high but you will have to experiment and see what keeps you interested.

If you are going to be sober, be sober. The marijuana maintenance program is a recipe for disaster, IMO. No weed, no alchohol. Get some sober friends. Hang with the winners. Some here don't buy the 12 step programs, but they worked for me when I needed them. Go to meetings and stay on the beam. delete the dealers numbers. Don't hang with using friends.

You know where coke is going to take you.. You have been down that road. It is a dead end. Yo can do this... One day at a time. One hour at a time if needed. Do not be afraid to ask for help. Tell a sober friend what os going on. Tell them you need to be around other sober people. If you are dwelling on the thought of using, go for a walk. Talk to the higher power you may or may not believe in.

and practice HALT. Never get too hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. It brings your defenses down.

You are okay. You know that using is not the solution. You are worth it. Tell yourself these things. Put it on on a post it on the mirror or somewhere where you will see it.

Hey everyone, just letting you know I didn't relapse and I'm done for good. My life and my daughters life are worth so much more. I can't post thentire story right now but I'll post it tomorrow when I'm at a computer.

Yay!!! way to go!!:D

Congrats. Look forward to hearing from you. We are rooting for you.

Ok, here is what happened this week, for those who care. I'm writing this also to document this turning point in my life.

So all week I felt like I had a war going on in my head. One day I would have it played out that I was going to relapse and the next day I would feel so awful about even thinking about it and feel like I wasn't going to do it. This went on for most of the week leading up to Saturday night, which is the day that it could have happened. I made plans with one of my best friends to come over for a glass of wine and watch a movie (she doesn't do drugs) and I asked my mom to watch my daughter so I could have a night off. I even texted my dealer to see if he was able to meet that night and he said he could. I continued to feel completely stressed about this and not excited in the old days. I found myself having these moments with my little girl where I would just stare at her and the feeling of love and guilt was overwhelming. I started looking up cocaine overdoses on the internet and began reading stories and it all seemed so ridiculous what these people were doing. I remembered the night I thought I did too much and how horrible it was to drive myself to the hospital in the middle of the night. I read another one about this girl who did it before she was pregnant like me, quit for pregnancy and then took it back up after and then almost died, she said she quit for good then and all the replies to her post told her to give her kid up and what a horrible person she was.....and I felt like I agreed while reading it.

It was then that I realized that I wasn't looking forward to using at all, it was just my old habits almost telling me that this was normal, but it wasn't. I'm a mother now and I realized that I have really changed. 18 months is a long time without a cigarette or cocaine and why would I throw all that away. My addict brain was even telling me it would be fun to have a Cigarette after a line. How stupid is that???.

Anyways, I ended up meeting my dealer to get a little bit of weed, as I said before I do occaasionaly smoke pot and have the odd drink to relax when my daughter is in bed. I'm not a pot head and never use anything when she's awake. So as I was waiting for my dealer at a restaurant entrance, two cops walk in and stand right next to me. I was almost shaking and I texted my dealer asking to meet someplace else. He texted back that they were just there to eat and it's all good. I look over and their vehicle is parked right next to my car and there looks like two more cops are still inside. I was a little shaken and texted him two more times saying I was going back to the car and asked for a new location. He then calls me yelling saying he can't answer a million texts cause he's driving and where would I be comfortable. I said across the street, so we met there and he sold me an eighth. I said I didn't mean to piss him off but I can't get arrested. He said, ya neither can I, but they're just there to eat. He had this guy with him who I could see was kinda laughing about it.

I realized then that I'm done with him, who needs this bullshit dealer and what if I did get caught by the cops?!!!? I have so much going for me and iam so glad m over this shit. I know it for the first time in my life. 12 years on and off with hard drugs and im done. I couldn't feel happier, my daughter is better then any drug. I ended up having a great night with my best friend and my hubby came home the next day. I'm so glad I don't have to keep secrets from him anymore.

I can't wait to start this new chapter in my life, and thanks to everyone who wrote encouraging words. It helped a lot

If you need more reasons not to do coke, google levamisole and cocaine.

https://www.google.com/#safe=off&rl...61,d.aWM&fp=e15bb0c2ae19b3b8&biw=1422&bih=702

^^^ did it for you.

Just some more consequences of using it to think about.

Moreover, you let yourself think ahead and imagine the possible consequences for using it again. That shows some real growth in your thinking. Congratulations on another day of victory over stinkin' thinkin'.

Great story thanks for the update and glad you stayed "soybeans" sober, geez gotta love auto correct

Still I would advise you to stop smoking weed or get a new dealer, many people sell weed! Those cops coming in then maybe that was a sign.

Well its best not to put yourself in those types of situations anyway. Have a wonderful day