Quitting speed.

So my goal is to quit speed. But I need a plan on how. This is regular speed, not meth.

I suffer from depression and have for my entire life. I have been on speed for 6 months now but I feel the positive effects from it are no longer worth the side effects that comes from it.

I tried to quit a little more than a month ago, it ended up with me waking up in the emergency psychiatric ward due to me trying to kill myself. This was not a cry for help, this was me actually wanting to end my life. I failed.

So, stopping cold turkey with some benso didn't do it. (I am also super scared of getting hooked on bensos)

When I have been off for a few days I get really depressed to the point where I do not want to feel better; I sabotage my relationships with people, I destroy everything that's good for me.

THIS is the biggest problem; I do not WANT to feel better when I'm at my worst coming off it...

What would be the best course of action?

PS: I can not afford professional help...

Thanks for any replies =)

How often / how much are you taking? What are your sleeping patterns like - do you run for a few days and then take a few days off / crash?

Without tackling your depression then it's going to make the cycle of abuse/quit/depressed/use again to feel better/abuse/quit/depression so much harder on you. It's still not impossible and I would personally say - if your using everyday then stop using for one day. If that seems to daunting then stop taking for one afternoon or morning - recognize what you have achieved and then build on it from there. Stop using one day a week, next week quit using a day earlier or morning /afternoon earlier etc. (slowly [at a pace that works for you] reduce the number of days you use].

Use your sober time constructively though - change your routine etc. Can you not get into some support groups? They are often free of charge and well worth looking into if you cant afford professional help.

Good luck

Thanks for the reply!

I use around 0,2-0,3g 2-3 times a week. It's not enough to keep me awake all night so I get around 10 hours a sleep a day (I've always needed a lot more sleep than regular people, 12 hours a night is optimum). I eat and such since I don't lose apetite much from the low dose.

What it does is it keeps me motivated to do things, i.e rehearse with the band, meet people and makes me able to focus on it. Without I have no motivation or will to do anything with my life (which is the main reason I started, along with being able to have enough energy to manage work). This has been a problem for me during my entire life, so it's not something that's brought on by abstinence from the drug; it's just how I am. But abstinence from speed certainly amplifies it alot now :/

I haven't got any help at all during my growing up and I've seen 35-40 different psychiatrists who are stumped by why I am the way I am.

The thing is, when I've abstained for a few days I can't see anything positive in anything. I can't do anything productive either because eating, going for a walk et cetera is not even remotely important to me. The feeling in my mind is overriding my intellectual reasoning to the point that it's not possible for me to even find light...

I don't know about support groups... I would surely be there and be a positive son of a gun when I'm on it but there is no way in hell I would even consider going outside when I'm off...

This is what I need to find a solution to... Why is my will to live effectively removed while off? I always take vitamins and important minerals such as magnesium et cetera at a daily basis and I eat healthier than I have ever done.

That is the problem; without a will to live there is no will to improve.

Also; in order to get any sort of help here I need to be off for 6 months. But I won't get any help getting off until then... :/

After your visit to the hospital were you not prescribed anything like anti-depressants, aftercare etc? It would be very surprising if you didn't get a follow up / treatment plan put into place etc.

Speed is a crazy drug and the good thing for you is your not taking that high an amount to disturb your sleep pattern (which will really mess with you mental health). You obviously get some clarity etc from when your high - can you not take something from the experience? What positives do you see when high, what makes you change when your come down (I'm not talking about the random thoughts you get) but the positives you see vanishing when your coming down?

Your line of 'why is my will to live effectively removed while off' is a very common feeling for a lot of people and part of the vicious cycle you in at the moment. What you need to try and keep separate is the feeling you have always had and the effects of stopping using. You need to address your long term depression (I know easier said than done) - as this is holding you back.

Setting yourself a schedule of what you need to do is a great help - even if you can't be bothered to do it, go through the motions, hate doing it when doing it but get it done anyway. If you can't face going outside then set yourself a few smaller tasks indoors - often you could be more bothered to go for a 10min walk than doing three small jobs indoors :D. Your motivation is 'you want to quit using speed' and to 'start feeling better'.

There's always somebody on bluelight so you have a great wealth of experience and some great people that can offer you support/help so take as much from this site as you can.

The 'you need to be clean before help' sounds like nonsense and worth looking into further - trying another doctor etc.

After the hospital I was back to seeing a shrink, I've seen him before, three years ago. He didn't want to put me on "sick leave" even though I told him everything. Why? Because I made jokes and dressed well. Apparently depressed people don't do that... Well, news flash, making jokes and puns and actually having fresh clothes doesn't make you less depressed. It just means you make jokes and dress well.

Luckily I got sick papers from a better doctor who also listened to what I said about me being constantly tired throughout my entire life. She switched my Fluoxetine to a quick taper off to Venlafaxin. So I am trying those now and hopefully those will counter my tiredness a bit.

However once I mentioned I have been doing speed for 6 months something changed in her eyes. Canned phrases like "We can't help drug addicts" and "the problem is the drugs" came thirteen a dozen and all of a sudden my life's troubles boiled down to speed use :/ It was horrible hearing the change from sympathy and understanding to judgment, assumptions and categoric reasoning...

This was the "public psychiatry" that's available to everyone... Oh well, we'll see how it all pans out...

Hey Cerana!
I think it's a really good thing that you are recognizing a problem and are reaching out for help / advice.
Amphetamine habits can be a real bitch to break down, especially if you have gotten comfortable with living life on speed for said amount of months.
Doctors wont always be understanding when they discover that they are dealing with an addict.. That's why it is important to try find someone who understands you and is not completely biased against drug users.
I know that support groups don't completely appeal to the sober you, they actually don't appeal to a lot of people in society..
But you need to understand that support groups and programs are known for generating very successful outcomes amongst people with the same approach as you.
If you think you can kick the habit in other ways, then go for it (and good luck to you), but if you find yourself back in this rut time and time again, seriously, just consider forcing yourself to attend one meeting. It may very well open your eyes and create an opening for vital sources of motivation & inspiration.
Also, if you aren't aware, there is a big thread here on meth/amphetamine serious discussion.. You should check it out. Perhaps you could have a read through and maybe pick up a few pointers on reducing your speed intake.
Meth Amphetamines Serious Discussion Only / amps quitting thread

Thanks for the reply. Yeah it is silly how these, so called "intellectual and educated medical professionals" in an instant take everything you've said to them, everything you've conveyed in an emotional and very verbal session, everything you've shared about growing up and the problems that have persisted since early childhood and just toss them away as lies and deceit just because I've been on drugs for half a year. I find those "intellectual" people not be that intelligent to be honest. It pains me how people can have such a deficit in their social aptitude...

Now, I do not like groups at all. I am not a very sympathetic person, I am aware of that. I have some very bad character traits. One is that I totally loathe people (what a conundrum, considering what I wrote above eh? ) of lesser intellect. I get agitated and annoyed by people who are slow in thought but keep on talking, stumbling on words and/or just phrase themselves in a linear and bland way. I get flustered because of the slowness of the average person. It's like "I know exactly what you are going to say, how you're going to say it and why... Just.. Gah you boring me, boring me, boring me, you think slow, slow, slow, herp derp, sunshine, moonshine, shrine, pine, tree, cone, traffic, cars, flerp" and I'm at a hundred places all of a sudden, yet I stare into the very bland and shallow eyes of a boring person and I smile. I act like it's the most interestering thing I've ever had the good fortune to listen to. People love me. But I hate them.

This is not due to the drugs. I worked at Stockholms most trendy and popular coffee bar for three years and when I started with speed last year.. I actually started enjoying listening to people's stories... All of a sudden I did not have the need to talk all the time. I had much more interest in listening. I asked questions about this and that instead of taking over the conversation entirely which is what I always do when I find someone to be unintelligent. On speed I became calm, quiet and tolerant. This is one reason as well why it's hard to stop. I don't enjoy being a bigot, an arrogant and narcissistic prick. Even if I disguise it so well and play on people's emotions to make them believe I'm the most empathetic man on earth. The more my self-worth grew the more I became like this, starting at early teens. The more I realized that people are simple and easy to control, the more I started to dislike those who bought everything you sold them. It's only been for the last years that I've actually used this to get people to do what I want them to do and that scares me. On speed this side of me is gone, poof, out the door.

That's why I could never appear at a meeting like this sober; it's too much in my nature to analyze people and how constricted and limited their ways of conveying themselves are.

Oh, I've seen over 40 shrinks over the years and I've felt above most of them. I became perfectly aware of when I was talking to the few who were considerably more intelligent than me and then I just shut off completely. I can't give anyone that power over me.

So that's why shrinks are total bogus and meeting groups won't work. Cognitive Behavioral Treatment is a bunch of crap which works for people who's persona is so limited that self-affirmations in front a mirror works.

There we go, I'm just not a very good person. I've been off for a while now and I'm going more and more back to controlling people and I'm considering taking now simply because I don't want to be that guy.