PMS
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jan 3, 2012
- Messages
- 145
(Not sure if this belongs in The Dark Side- due to the depressive and sarcastic nature of this rambling.)
Hello, I am a male in my early twenties. Have some experience with almost every drug, a variety of research chemicals, and suffered a handful of methamphetamine overdoses. Smoked cannabis for seven years with no problems. I'm sorry for the poor quality and limited vocabulary of this writing, I blame it on brain damage from all the meth I've done. I will try to explain a phenomena that my doctor calls "paranoid shizophrenia".
I'm hearing voices all day long, and has been doing so for several years. I also have a strong feeling of being watched, or that certain people has managed to "learn" my being and notice what I'm doing, thinking, seeing and so on. It is if my personal space is invaded and filled up with other peoples energies and influences, and that I have no place to "hide", neither physically in my own house or inside my own head.
This is very uncomfortable and I would like it to stop, since this is robbing me of my time, self insight and freedom to think and act. I hear these voices in different ways, "inside my head" like I used to hear my own internal dialogue, and also manifesting in noise from my refridgerator.
They usually comment on what I'm thinking and doing, talk about my past and sometimes try to control me. Some of them are friendly and motivating, others remind me of past failures in various ways, and some are even aggressive and seem like they know the workings of my inner drive. I recognize many of the voices as friends and close family, though when I ask them if this is true, they either say "so what?" or seem like they keep a secret.
First time I became acutely aware of this phenomenon was after a Cubensis trip that was hard to handle. Also the voices are hugely excaggerated when doing amphetamines/meth, a couple of times I've had full lenght conversations with people that were not physically present. What worries me is that they have told me things that I did not previously know, personal information and such, that when checking was 100% correct. Some people I've spoken to believe this kind of "telepathy" or so to be a known fact, something everyone knows about and lives with, and don't think much about. I've heard old hippies talk about this and calling it "the jungle telegraph", and trusting it as a primary form of communication.
So I wonder, to ask with complete honesty for a true answer, is being able to "hear people" or "speak in the mind" for real? And is it possible to feel/read others minds and actions from a distance? Personally I've never been able to know what other people is doing, though I've been an "outcast" and quite slow in social aspects all my life. It occurs to me that it is a weapon of power and control, and that I should have been more careful in estabilishing myself- in distracting me every day and telling me how to act and live, I'm taken out of the scene and pose no threat to anyone; maybe it's their favourite pasttime having cruel fun using "weak minded" people as me as puppets. On some occasions I've gotten threatening/angry messages when deciding to start something for myself. Some of them seem to be homosexual and try to lure me into becoming gay, this is not good since I know I am not homosexual. "Yeah just give up the last of your life, come to us and get fucked in the ass." Oh yeah I'd rather blow my head off.
I cannot play music, write, read or do anything without "permission" from "them", especially when writing or using personal energy it's like they hang over my shoulder and notice every slight action. If I reject doing like they say, or work against their "energy", they get mad at me. Reality is that my personal life and actions have nothing at all to do with other people, I never notice what they do and couldn't care less, unless they meet me personally and share it.
Struggling with depression/mania and psychosis since my early teens, I've had alot of problems following my own thoughts and deciding for myself what to do, making realistic hopes/plans and so on- asking for advice from other people was a great idea at first, but first of all I've not done as I've promised/as they said and I don't like doing like other people tell me to anyway.
As said, it bothers me very much and I would like it to stop. Constant commenting and "advice" is very bothersome and, well I've believed it all to be true for so long that it has become a habit. Even when going to the bathroom, it feels like people are watching me while I shit. It's "okay", but "okay" in the same way that destroying my life, self, future plans and thinking about suicide is "okay", it's better than absolute horror and sickness, but not something that makes me smile and care. It worries me that this condition will influence my life negatively if it doesn't go away, as I will get used living accordingly to these "voices/people/individuals" instead of doing my own good- from my own thoughts.
Just while writing this thread, I've heard alot of them talk to me. I've told my doctor about this, and he has recommended antipsychotics, which I have tried. I've done Seroquel in doses up to 750mg's, Leponex, Oxazepam and Zyprexa- though none of these take the voices away. Being very, very high on meth makes everything feel normal and silent until the "plateau effect" is reached, then it gets worse on the comedown and for about a month later.
It does make sense to me that since we "used to" live in tribes with no spoken language, and share alot of similarities with let's say cats and dogs (who notice you from far away, know you, and don't speak like us) , this phenomena is completely normal, and has just become very noticeable after all my tripping/studies and insights. We all are aware of feeling other people's "auras" or different personalities, maybe explained like different "flavours" or "feelings". Then it has become excaggerated trough amphetamine use, living alone and unoccupied (used to be lonely), and letting other people "own my mind". I'm a bit of an "attention whore" aswell. I'm not exactly dumb, I used to be a rather smart and insightful person in many different areas including nature, "the other side" and a dozen of areas linked to psychedelics. So I'm either gone mad and imagine all of this, or it is for real and I will have to live with this until I either manage to hide, block off the "signals" or just get used to it and live like a controllable piece of shit until I kill myself. Eventually I have considered some kind of psychic shock/terror to scare "them" away though I'm afraid I won't have much to give in a wartime situation. Asking it to stop has never worked.
Also I've "gained" olfactory hallucinations/another sense of smell- where I can smell other people, foods, the smell of speed, vomit and many other smells either by thinking about it/getting reminded of a situation or out of nowhere. This happened the first time after going crazy and doing two grams of crystal methamphetamine in week with no tolerance. It is very bothersome in particular because it keeps me from noticing the smells actually present in my surroundings, and also because I'm worried about it getting worse, i.e. smelling that my house is on fire or a very rancid smell that doesn't go away.
I've seen things, mostly on speed, like a blank page filling up with words, sentences, drawings, a person I knew thought highly of this and called it "the black book". I realize that knowledge is power, and what you don't know, you don't know- that being said it's logical that there exists a huge amount of phenomena, information and ways of being that I can't even imagine. I've become surprised several times when realizing / learning about new things. On MXE, mushrooms and usually every time I start smoking cannabis again, I get epiphanies and all these phenomena go back to being a completely normal part of life and sensing, and then I forget about it and it's "just the way it is".
It is dangerous for my mental health, and I believe that the day I go mad / start yelling out into nowhere / or let them take full control of me, they will cheer and be happy, even high from feeling the power of controlling/destroying me as a person. Hate and evil is abundant everywhere I look, and I respect the fact that almost everyone will feel happiness/contentment when other people are in pain/ watching their failures. Not feeling particularly or unrealistically paranoid, I am completely sure that several people want me sick/dead/locked up in mental office. Just have to ignore that I guess. But it is true! It makes more sense that people hate me than that people love me, considering my mindset and previous behaviour.
Yes, I lost almost all reason and ability to believe in myself after I seriously "f'ed up" the first time, ruining my career and talent as a musician, wasting all my inheritance- $10,000 on drugs, and spending extreme amounts of energy damaging myself/working against my own dreams and hopes for a reason I still can not find. A couple of weeks ago I lost some of my best friends, who supported me and to whom I had promised to stay clean, I was a month off meth and starting to find happiness again, health and good things were coming back to me. Then what did I do? Well I spent all my money on speed, took it all (three grams) in two days, did everything I knew was wrong, and even crushed my most beloved possession- my electric guitar that I had owned and loved for five years. When doing this act all the voices were saying "no, no, NO! Hey man, don't! Why?!" - tears were running from my face and after killing it, I've been emotionless, agitated and unable to listen to music. I regret this very much.
What is worth mentioning is that I've discussed this with a family member diagnosed shizophrenic, and I can hear his voice as well as the others. He believes this to be a natural phenomena, but it became a problem for him after people sent him negative energies/bullied him. Atleast that's what we like to believe.
I'm looking for a solution, (yes, I've tried a tinfoil hat but that just made me feel like standing on a stage). As said medication does not work. Considering some kind of higher help from a guru or old stoner, visualising chopping off the "telephone wires" that connect me to these individuals. When I get especially fed up and tired from this, I often ask of losing this ability for good/ complete removal of it.
It would not be a problem if I could control what I hear and say to them/ both what I decide to hear and most important how I react to it- the degree of value I give to it. I do not want to care. Though if these people are real, I would imagine them to expect some kind of reward after spending hundreds of hours talking to me and noticing me. I can answer them and have some kind of dialogue, though it very rarely develops outside of repetive, one-sentence messages. There is a system of letters and short words they use, like they all know about, that carries a connection to my social life, diffrent feelings, and so on. Almost all of them will demand that I react with emotion to them, halfway asking in a demaning way like "that was my way of being", "that was your *insert keyword here*". I'm also asked to be silent, often when I experience "silentness" which is very rare. The air feels full of noise, my livingroom feels full of people and happenings.
When outdoors and around a group of people, I will hear them comment on my life and personal being, clearly and loudly in their spoken voice. How they know about me I have no idea, and why they care to mention anything is also beyond me, maybe everyone knows everyone and I'm the silly person trying to ignore it.
I need to find a way to not attract attention / dampen my aura and psychical/mental Have to admit that I've gone a bit crazy by myself on speed binges, and may even have used other peoples "energy" in bad ways- maybe this is why they won't let me go. But done is done and there is no way to change the past.
Distracting myself and spending time "clotting my mind" with meaningless thought patterns makes me less concious and present, and therefore also dampens these voices and feelings. I'm in inner pain because of my meaningless/self destructive lifestyle and so I feel relief from being "out of it" and dreamy. It's bad since it makes it more difficult to maintain control over myself/my mind and what I think about.
(A chapter about how horrible my life is... I never seem to get tired of this)
Anyone got advice and/or experiences regarding this, I would be happy to read and discuss.
Thank you,
-PMS
Hello, I am a male in my early twenties. Have some experience with almost every drug, a variety of research chemicals, and suffered a handful of methamphetamine overdoses. Smoked cannabis for seven years with no problems. I'm sorry for the poor quality and limited vocabulary of this writing, I blame it on brain damage from all the meth I've done. I will try to explain a phenomena that my doctor calls "paranoid shizophrenia".
I'm hearing voices all day long, and has been doing so for several years. I also have a strong feeling of being watched, or that certain people has managed to "learn" my being and notice what I'm doing, thinking, seeing and so on. It is if my personal space is invaded and filled up with other peoples energies and influences, and that I have no place to "hide", neither physically in my own house or inside my own head.
This is very uncomfortable and I would like it to stop, since this is robbing me of my time, self insight and freedom to think and act. I hear these voices in different ways, "inside my head" like I used to hear my own internal dialogue, and also manifesting in noise from my refridgerator.
They usually comment on what I'm thinking and doing, talk about my past and sometimes try to control me. Some of them are friendly and motivating, others remind me of past failures in various ways, and some are even aggressive and seem like they know the workings of my inner drive. I recognize many of the voices as friends and close family, though when I ask them if this is true, they either say "so what?" or seem like they keep a secret.
First time I became acutely aware of this phenomenon was after a Cubensis trip that was hard to handle. Also the voices are hugely excaggerated when doing amphetamines/meth, a couple of times I've had full lenght conversations with people that were not physically present. What worries me is that they have told me things that I did not previously know, personal information and such, that when checking was 100% correct. Some people I've spoken to believe this kind of "telepathy" or so to be a known fact, something everyone knows about and lives with, and don't think much about. I've heard old hippies talk about this and calling it "the jungle telegraph", and trusting it as a primary form of communication.
So I wonder, to ask with complete honesty for a true answer, is being able to "hear people" or "speak in the mind" for real? And is it possible to feel/read others minds and actions from a distance? Personally I've never been able to know what other people is doing, though I've been an "outcast" and quite slow in social aspects all my life. It occurs to me that it is a weapon of power and control, and that I should have been more careful in estabilishing myself- in distracting me every day and telling me how to act and live, I'm taken out of the scene and pose no threat to anyone; maybe it's their favourite pasttime having cruel fun using "weak minded" people as me as puppets. On some occasions I've gotten threatening/angry messages when deciding to start something for myself. Some of them seem to be homosexual and try to lure me into becoming gay, this is not good since I know I am not homosexual. "Yeah just give up the last of your life, come to us and get fucked in the ass." Oh yeah I'd rather blow my head off.
I cannot play music, write, read or do anything without "permission" from "them", especially when writing or using personal energy it's like they hang over my shoulder and notice every slight action. If I reject doing like they say, or work against their "energy", they get mad at me. Reality is that my personal life and actions have nothing at all to do with other people, I never notice what they do and couldn't care less, unless they meet me personally and share it.
Struggling with depression/mania and psychosis since my early teens, I've had alot of problems following my own thoughts and deciding for myself what to do, making realistic hopes/plans and so on- asking for advice from other people was a great idea at first, but first of all I've not done as I've promised/as they said and I don't like doing like other people tell me to anyway.
As said, it bothers me very much and I would like it to stop. Constant commenting and "advice" is very bothersome and, well I've believed it all to be true for so long that it has become a habit. Even when going to the bathroom, it feels like people are watching me while I shit. It's "okay", but "okay" in the same way that destroying my life, self, future plans and thinking about suicide is "okay", it's better than absolute horror and sickness, but not something that makes me smile and care. It worries me that this condition will influence my life negatively if it doesn't go away, as I will get used living accordingly to these "voices/people/individuals" instead of doing my own good- from my own thoughts.
Just while writing this thread, I've heard alot of them talk to me. I've told my doctor about this, and he has recommended antipsychotics, which I have tried. I've done Seroquel in doses up to 750mg's, Leponex, Oxazepam and Zyprexa- though none of these take the voices away. Being very, very high on meth makes everything feel normal and silent until the "plateau effect" is reached, then it gets worse on the comedown and for about a month later.
It does make sense to me that since we "used to" live in tribes with no spoken language, and share alot of similarities with let's say cats and dogs (who notice you from far away, know you, and don't speak like us) , this phenomena is completely normal, and has just become very noticeable after all my tripping/studies and insights. We all are aware of feeling other people's "auras" or different personalities, maybe explained like different "flavours" or "feelings". Then it has become excaggerated trough amphetamine use, living alone and unoccupied (used to be lonely), and letting other people "own my mind". I'm a bit of an "attention whore" aswell. I'm not exactly dumb, I used to be a rather smart and insightful person in many different areas including nature, "the other side" and a dozen of areas linked to psychedelics. So I'm either gone mad and imagine all of this, or it is for real and I will have to live with this until I either manage to hide, block off the "signals" or just get used to it and live like a controllable piece of shit until I kill myself. Eventually I have considered some kind of psychic shock/terror to scare "them" away though I'm afraid I won't have much to give in a wartime situation. Asking it to stop has never worked.
Also I've "gained" olfactory hallucinations/another sense of smell- where I can smell other people, foods, the smell of speed, vomit and many other smells either by thinking about it/getting reminded of a situation or out of nowhere. This happened the first time after going crazy and doing two grams of crystal methamphetamine in week with no tolerance. It is very bothersome in particular because it keeps me from noticing the smells actually present in my surroundings, and also because I'm worried about it getting worse, i.e. smelling that my house is on fire or a very rancid smell that doesn't go away.
I've seen things, mostly on speed, like a blank page filling up with words, sentences, drawings, a person I knew thought highly of this and called it "the black book". I realize that knowledge is power, and what you don't know, you don't know- that being said it's logical that there exists a huge amount of phenomena, information and ways of being that I can't even imagine. I've become surprised several times when realizing / learning about new things. On MXE, mushrooms and usually every time I start smoking cannabis again, I get epiphanies and all these phenomena go back to being a completely normal part of life and sensing, and then I forget about it and it's "just the way it is".
It is dangerous for my mental health, and I believe that the day I go mad / start yelling out into nowhere / or let them take full control of me, they will cheer and be happy, even high from feeling the power of controlling/destroying me as a person. Hate and evil is abundant everywhere I look, and I respect the fact that almost everyone will feel happiness/contentment when other people are in pain/ watching their failures. Not feeling particularly or unrealistically paranoid, I am completely sure that several people want me sick/dead/locked up in mental office. Just have to ignore that I guess. But it is true! It makes more sense that people hate me than that people love me, considering my mindset and previous behaviour.
Yes, I lost almost all reason and ability to believe in myself after I seriously "f'ed up" the first time, ruining my career and talent as a musician, wasting all my inheritance- $10,000 on drugs, and spending extreme amounts of energy damaging myself/working against my own dreams and hopes for a reason I still can not find. A couple of weeks ago I lost some of my best friends, who supported me and to whom I had promised to stay clean, I was a month off meth and starting to find happiness again, health and good things were coming back to me. Then what did I do? Well I spent all my money on speed, took it all (three grams) in two days, did everything I knew was wrong, and even crushed my most beloved possession- my electric guitar that I had owned and loved for five years. When doing this act all the voices were saying "no, no, NO! Hey man, don't! Why?!" - tears were running from my face and after killing it, I've been emotionless, agitated and unable to listen to music. I regret this very much.
What is worth mentioning is that I've discussed this with a family member diagnosed shizophrenic, and I can hear his voice as well as the others. He believes this to be a natural phenomena, but it became a problem for him after people sent him negative energies/bullied him. Atleast that's what we like to believe.
I'm looking for a solution, (yes, I've tried a tinfoil hat but that just made me feel like standing on a stage). As said medication does not work. Considering some kind of higher help from a guru or old stoner, visualising chopping off the "telephone wires" that connect me to these individuals. When I get especially fed up and tired from this, I often ask of losing this ability for good/ complete removal of it.
It would not be a problem if I could control what I hear and say to them/ both what I decide to hear and most important how I react to it- the degree of value I give to it. I do not want to care. Though if these people are real, I would imagine them to expect some kind of reward after spending hundreds of hours talking to me and noticing me. I can answer them and have some kind of dialogue, though it very rarely develops outside of repetive, one-sentence messages. There is a system of letters and short words they use, like they all know about, that carries a connection to my social life, diffrent feelings, and so on. Almost all of them will demand that I react with emotion to them, halfway asking in a demaning way like "that was my way of being", "that was your *insert keyword here*". I'm also asked to be silent, often when I experience "silentness" which is very rare. The air feels full of noise, my livingroom feels full of people and happenings.
When outdoors and around a group of people, I will hear them comment on my life and personal being, clearly and loudly in their spoken voice. How they know about me I have no idea, and why they care to mention anything is also beyond me, maybe everyone knows everyone and I'm the silly person trying to ignore it.
I need to find a way to not attract attention / dampen my aura and psychical/mental Have to admit that I've gone a bit crazy by myself on speed binges, and may even have used other peoples "energy" in bad ways- maybe this is why they won't let me go. But done is done and there is no way to change the past.
Distracting myself and spending time "clotting my mind" with meaningless thought patterns makes me less concious and present, and therefore also dampens these voices and feelings. I'm in inner pain because of my meaningless/self destructive lifestyle and so I feel relief from being "out of it" and dreamy. It's bad since it makes it more difficult to maintain control over myself/my mind and what I think about.
(A chapter about how horrible my life is... I never seem to get tired of this)
Had I done things differently, I would maybe someday find peace with myself- be "proud" or atleast content with myself. Then having this kind of social network/capability would be very positive. Though I've been forced to give up most of my dreams and future plans and don't see myself with much honor. Now I see two paths- the worst is having all my problems in bigger magnitude, pain, sickness beyond imagination- the better and most realistic one is having to admit defeat and live for maybe fifty more years like a lobotomized, controllable and damaged no'one. What I think is the best solution is actually suicide, but I'm too weak to go trough with it. Will just have to shut up and wait for life to end by itself I guess. Not complaining but rather telling the truth, I have nothing at all to brag about, I've never given anything positive to anyone, and all the gifts and help I've got would be enough for a thousand lives. Spent alot of time trying to make people feel sorry for me, but it just goes straight to the devil who grows stronger and stronger. Yeah I actually believe that a long time ago, in my first major depressive episode during my early teens, I gave up on having a good life and swore to satan that I would never believe in "god", reject help and love and make life hell for myself, because I deserved it. Then I've forgotten about it though it continues every day in my subconciousness.
Apart from the fact that I'm more-or-less brain damaged, can't trust myself or have a relationship, no longer can play music (i composed, improvised and enjoyed music every day since I was just 3-4 years old), I'm reasonably healthy and still got alot ahead of me. Much of my experienced apathy and emotional numbness I know comes from my speed abuse, though it's love and hate since it takes the edge and amount of feelings away. A dreamy carelessness where every day goes by, possibilities and happenings go straight by me (or are rejected) has come to today, where I feel both on the edge of breaking down emotionally, completely angry and unsatisfied with myself, unable to give a reasonable explanation of my lifestyle/way of being. And also there is nothing more I would want then to repair what is repairable, and continue living in a positive way (this I am sure will be much more painful than just giving up - though not in the long run - i absolutely have to do something if I am to avoid mental collapse and total destruction of my life).
What is the force that makes certain people work against good? Is it "the devil" or some kind of anger/ seeking revenge on earlier losses/failures with good? No, it's just myself, probably trying to milk others for even more sympathy and help. But why give those possibilities and feelings to a negative mindset/side of myself? I do not know. I could until recently see a "way" or "path" that I could follow and repair myself with, now I'm too late and will have to fix things by myself.
First it was just small things - I was an excellent multi-instrumentalist from early age, skilled in many genres - but I thought of giving up because I thought I had practiced too little to become famous. Then I gave up on being famous, and studied in music school - but gave up on sex/relationships because I couldn't get laid in my teens. Every time I've "given up" or what to say, I've still had alot of positives left, and I still do, but now I'm almost completely empty and "broke" if you understand what I mean. I could exuse myself as a "recovering addict who recently saw God" though I've never been an addict, and that would be even more respectless when considering that I've never really struggled or been in a hard place in life. I do not really look forward to my future and with giving up/working against/not appreciating the help and recovery I had the last time (for the thousandth time) I only have myself to thank for my misery- and of course other people doesn't appreciate this at all. I will have to develop self-sarcasm and tolerate others looking down on me.
It "just has to be that way" - thinking about deserving something, good or bad I deserve having to work hard and give positive things back to everyone. I've been exceptionally lucky all my life and gotten out of serious trouble by godsend many times, I've rarely done anything to recieve gifts and possibilities. If I had just let things happen naturally and felt happy about it, everything would have worked out by itself. Hard to think about since it doesn't make sense at all. I think some of it is because I'm afraid of having to compete with others, to have someone being jealous at me. I guess it's also because everything has come to me so easily, recieved so much without giving anything or working for it. I've given my mother serious depression since her beloved son, who should be happy, loving and well just sits at home doing drugs, destroying his guitar, hating and complaining about being born. The punchline of all my wrong doings would have to be 1. wait until Jesus appears and miracles happen, win the lottery and then kill myself- or 2. Having to live with myself, straighten up, realizing my behaviour and past, and then go trough life always thinking back and regretting what I've done. Maybe karma/god/destiny is going to have its revenge on me, the lucky day I'm on the right path, I'll get cancer or die in a accident. Just waiting for it, the devil will laugh. Well I'm gonna eat a couple of oxazepams and go to bed soon.
Apart from the fact that I'm more-or-less brain damaged, can't trust myself or have a relationship, no longer can play music (i composed, improvised and enjoyed music every day since I was just 3-4 years old), I'm reasonably healthy and still got alot ahead of me. Much of my experienced apathy and emotional numbness I know comes from my speed abuse, though it's love and hate since it takes the edge and amount of feelings away. A dreamy carelessness where every day goes by, possibilities and happenings go straight by me (or are rejected) has come to today, where I feel both on the edge of breaking down emotionally, completely angry and unsatisfied with myself, unable to give a reasonable explanation of my lifestyle/way of being. And also there is nothing more I would want then to repair what is repairable, and continue living in a positive way (this I am sure will be much more painful than just giving up - though not in the long run - i absolutely have to do something if I am to avoid mental collapse and total destruction of my life).
What is the force that makes certain people work against good? Is it "the devil" or some kind of anger/ seeking revenge on earlier losses/failures with good? No, it's just myself, probably trying to milk others for even more sympathy and help. But why give those possibilities and feelings to a negative mindset/side of myself? I do not know. I could until recently see a "way" or "path" that I could follow and repair myself with, now I'm too late and will have to fix things by myself.
First it was just small things - I was an excellent multi-instrumentalist from early age, skilled in many genres - but I thought of giving up because I thought I had practiced too little to become famous. Then I gave up on being famous, and studied in music school - but gave up on sex/relationships because I couldn't get laid in my teens. Every time I've "given up" or what to say, I've still had alot of positives left, and I still do, but now I'm almost completely empty and "broke" if you understand what I mean. I could exuse myself as a "recovering addict who recently saw God" though I've never been an addict, and that would be even more respectless when considering that I've never really struggled or been in a hard place in life. I do not really look forward to my future and with giving up/working against/not appreciating the help and recovery I had the last time (for the thousandth time) I only have myself to thank for my misery- and of course other people doesn't appreciate this at all. I will have to develop self-sarcasm and tolerate others looking down on me.
It "just has to be that way" - thinking about deserving something, good or bad I deserve having to work hard and give positive things back to everyone. I've been exceptionally lucky all my life and gotten out of serious trouble by godsend many times, I've rarely done anything to recieve gifts and possibilities. If I had just let things happen naturally and felt happy about it, everything would have worked out by itself. Hard to think about since it doesn't make sense at all. I think some of it is because I'm afraid of having to compete with others, to have someone being jealous at me. I guess it's also because everything has come to me so easily, recieved so much without giving anything or working for it. I've given my mother serious depression since her beloved son, who should be happy, loving and well just sits at home doing drugs, destroying his guitar, hating and complaining about being born. The punchline of all my wrong doings would have to be 1. wait until Jesus appears and miracles happen, win the lottery and then kill myself- or 2. Having to live with myself, straighten up, realizing my behaviour and past, and then go trough life always thinking back and regretting what I've done. Maybe karma/god/destiny is going to have its revenge on me, the lucky day I'm on the right path, I'll get cancer or die in a accident. Just waiting for it, the devil will laugh. Well I'm gonna eat a couple of oxazepams and go to bed soon.
Anyone got advice and/or experiences regarding this, I would be happy to read and discuss.
Thank you,
-PMS
:D) then you should try and figure out the reason part of you is not happy with you.. get my drift, figure out what emotion each voice represents and catalogue them. Then while you are doing this make an appointment with a counselor that specializes ion this.. if you think or are told buy the voices that this is nonsense, don't believe it, identify the loudest voices with the correlating emotion and then take away there power.. so for instance you identify one as guilt, it constantly says something like how could you do that type stuff, listen to what it is talking about and apologize or make amends to the person it is talking about.. 
. If you continue that pattern, things should really look up for ya. Ive noticed some positive changes in my mental and physical health lately too, as i have been using less synthetic drugs, and taking herbs and roots to help with my anxiety and such, and i have been exercising more, and eating better.