My Ex Is Taking Custody of My Son

I've told this story before about how my son got into trouble with smoking weed. He had trouble quitting and got kicked out of drug court. It's been more than 18 months ago this all started. See I live with my dad, his grandfather and Timmy's always been the best kid and never gave me any trouble. Then he got addicted to weed at 14. He's stolen from me and more recently, his grandpa. Taking his debit cards and money. It got to be a frequent occurrence.

In the meantime, his father blamed me the whole time why my son couldn't stop smoking weed. Yeah I took him out of rehab after 7 weeks and will never forgive myself for this mistake. This boy begged and promised he was done with getting high. I believed him and he soon after was right back to it. Dad's attorney had sent me letters demanding custody. I would need to try for legal aid to fight this since I have not job still.

A couple weeks later, my son decided to steal the debit card again and also stole grandpa's truck to do so. Then found out that my son smashed into a tree in the parking lot. This kid had no driver's training and luckily he didn't kill anybody or hurt himself badly. (just a sprained ankle) The truck was totaled and grandpa says he's gotta go. I can't blame him at all. Now my ex's lawyer filed a default judgment against me even though I agreed to the terms in the first modification settlement agreement. So now it's been ordered that he goes with his father, and I have no visitation at all, even though the terms stated every other weekend. I've been ordered to a psychological competency exam and drug test.

I just don't know how to deal with this. I've been divorced from that man since Timmy was a baby. He's had consistent visitation every other weekend since he was 2 while I had primary custody. Besides the past year where they had a 5 month break, partly son was non-responding and dad angry at the weed situation. They had a falling out. He will be 16 in June. I've yet to find out if I have any recourse. It seems so unfair, like they pulled the rug out from under me.

I think my son may have a chance to get straight with his dad. Like the judge at drug court said "people, places and things" The neighborhood kids are all too familiar. But who's to say he won't meet new kids with drug interests with dad? They have a way of finding each other. But what can I do? With no visitation, I won't even be allowed to take him to his court hearings. I'm going to miss him so much. My son is the most important thing I have in my life, and I'm losing him. I can't stop crying.

Oh shit, I'm so sorry...I can't imagine how you must be feeling right now. I wish I knew what to say to help but...I really don't. Why aren't you getting any visitation rights?! Is there any way you could convince his father that you should be allowed to see your son at least a day a week or something? Especially considering I don't see how being taken away from his mother and forcefully put into a new environment is going to help. I'm really sorry, that's an awful situation. Hope you're (relatively) okay

Mental Health----> TDS

The important thing to remember is your son isn't going to stop using weed/drugs unless he himself wants to stop using drugs.

If your ex is getting custody of your son, and he continues to smoke weed, it'll kinda show that you weren't to blame for your son's actions.

Your son has to be accountable for his own actions, no matter how old or young he may be. I think it's horrible that you are being blamed for his mistakes in any way, and I'm wishing you and your family the best of luck in resolving these issues.

Hey T. Im so sorry for your strugles. IMO there is going to be no easy way to manipulate or beat this.. At one time in my life I was sure I could beat the system, and I did for a while, but who ever told me I couldn't beet the system failed to let me know that the reason the system always wins is that it just keeps playing until it does.. My best advice to you T, would be to do exactly what the system wants when it wants and give it no reason to look at you as an unsystematic type person. Make yourself into what you already know the system wants, employed, sober, willing, groomed, unquestioning, happily compliant, person that has easy references for them to make sure all this is on the up and up, yep I guess there are people everyday that must think they are as smart as me and will be able to fool that system, Ha. Show up on time every time they have a hoop for you to jump through and make it through the hoop every time. Get and remain sober or clean up (sparkly clean for that drug test), get employment, Join a church (same one as the family court judge), if it is the case that you are a drug user and your ex knows this consider aa/na and get a sponsor, both sponsors and church community leaders can and often will testify or make strong character witnesses for judges or family investigators. Make yourself into exactly what that court wants you to be, don't give them any excuse, at least talk to a lawyer (remember that most layers will do a free consultation visit, ha they think most people wont come prepared, come prepared with all your documents and all your questions written down and pepper that lawyer until you are out of questions or you get asked to schedule another appointment, remember if you still have questions I bet there is a long list of those attorney vultures in the phone book who offer a free initial consultations, hit as many as you need to get what you need.. all it will cost you is time. Come up with a solid plan for how you will help your son deal with his addiction as if you do not have a solid plan for this they will definitely question weather you are the right person to be in charge or even be allowed to help. I wish you and your family the best

Children are 'brought up' or 'raised' through operant conditioning, specifically through the use of positive reinforcement to encourage the repeat of behaviors which are desired by parents. There is unfortunately, no greater reinforcement than drugs.

Your son will smoke weed no matter who has custody over him. Your ex-husband will soon come to that realization irregardless of the outcome, unless he can defy the laws of behaviorism.

There is no fault in having a soft spot for your son, it's a biological norm. IMO, a geographical solution will not yield a better outcome to 'addiction'. Good luck.

Great post, neversickanymore.

I don't have any useful advice, Calderone, but I did want to say that I think it is so fucked up you are losing custody of your son. It seems so unfair, and I really feel for you. I remember when you first came to BL after the initial incident with your son, and you have always seemed devoted to doing your best for your son. This just seems so fucked up. I wish I had something of practical use to say, instead, I just hope that everything, somehow, works out in the end

I agree with captain heroin and chromophobia daddy is probably in for a rude awakening. No one could stop me from doing drugs at his age. He will make new using friends the cycle will repeat till his brain matures around age 21. Thats how it was for me. I fucked up alot at his age and im 24 in college and doing alright so dont stop loving him. I recomend you let dad have a try fpr a few months see what happens then try and work together for a solution.

I know it's not really going to change the boy's behavior, just being in a different location. What really pisses me off if dad is blaming me for the accident, again claiming he was not supervised, stating I put his life in danger. I mean, grandpa and me were sitting right here in the family room. Timmy snuck out the side garage door with the car keys pretending to do laundry. His father is a bitter and angry person since his 2nd wife screwed him over.

The best I can hope for is that my son matures over time. Also that he can eventually beat the criminal charges he's facing. Let dad take him to court twice a month, pay for probation fees and fines. This has been going on for too long and I have to accept that this might help him straighten up and hope it doesn't get worse. I keep telling myself it's not forever.

It was hard having to pack up all his clothes. Even worse I keep expecting to see him coming into the kitchen for a snack. Or at night, I'm trying to be quiet walking around thinking I might wake him up. Only to remember he's not here.

^^ Hang in there... I know how hard it can be to be away from your kid for extended periods... One thing I do that helps me is I have a box that is all ready to be shipped off to him.. I see him an awful lot but this is still hard... So anyway I have that box ready to be shipped and every time I miss him allot or think about him a bunch, I put something in the box I'm going to ship to him.. sometimes its candy, sometimes its a copy of a song that I wanted him to hear so I burned him a cd, sometimes its a book that he should read or a movie he should watch.. In no time the box is full and I send it off to him or give it to him when we get time together.. It also makes for a good phone conversation, my guy is only eight, because he wants to know why he always gets such an eclectic assortment of things.. its sad and ruff, stay positive and stay in touch with him.

Thanks for all the kind words. Grandpa feels relieved in a way because my son stole another $360 dollars on Tuesday night. I forgot to mention that. When you're on a fixed income, that's a lot of money to lose that's meant to pay bills. Damn, how much weed did he buy? Or maybe he owed some dealer money? I can only speculate. He called me last night and we can keep in touch on facebook or email. Times like this I wish I could call my mother. She would know what to say. I know she's looking out for him, (weird as it sounds) from beyond and that was her only grandson.

One more thing that hurt my son badly was the fact his dad would not let him bring his dog. We've had her since 2002 and she's always been very attached to him. He told me that was my problem and not negotiable. Pretty heartless if you ask me. Been his dog since he was 5. It saddens me to see her lying outside his bedroom door, drawing a big sigh.

how old is your son i ask because when i turned 14 i had the option of choosing which parent i wanted to live with but i hate my mom so i just stayed with my dad he raised me by his self since i was 3 but i think if your son is a teen he can choose to stay with you if he want's unless the court deemed you to be an unfit parent

He's 15, going to be 16 in June. I had 20 days to get legal representation and legal aid was backlogged. They couldn't help right away. But yeah, I thought there was an age where kids could make up their minds too. Without an attorney at the hearing, I was screwed. My ex made all sorts of allegations against me. Last year, he called CPS telling them I was on drugs, therefore supplying it to my son. I had an investigation, drug test and I was exonerated within a month.

Now my ex decided that wasn't enough and started legal proceedings stating that I was "concealing the child" and not allowing him contact. He was the one who turned his back on his son and didn't phone for 5 months. Also, his attorney has requested I undergo a psychiatric evaluation and the child is in "immediate danger" since he crashed the truck. I told him I'm not unfit, I have been ill. I havn't worked since last May. I've been home every day along with my dad. Until I had that stroke in November but it was minor and I was only at the hospital for 3 days. I have some health issues, yeah but I am not unfit.

It boils down to money and the fact that I have none. Plus now he doesn't have to pay child support. But he will realize attorney fees, fines and court costs are going to add up. Plus now, I will report to Children/Family Services that he no longer needs Medicaid. So dad will have to pay for health insurance. I'm on a list for legal aid and perhaps it is too late. But I know that I have some rights.

They can investigate me all they want, it's all dad's way of humiliating me. Before you know it, my son will be at the age where he can choose. But he needs to quit stealing from us before we can consider that possibility. It's not like he just took 20 or 40 bucks. Right before the crash, he took money from his grandpa's account. Then just last Tuesday, he withdrew another $360. That's not small change when we have bills to pay. Timmy needs to realize consequences and getting arrested, going to jail, getting expelled from public school and getting thrown out of drug court didn't seem to faze him. I'm hoping that he won't continue down this path and sort himself out.

i hope your son gets his life together and you and him can have a good trusting relationship

T. Calderone said:

It was hard having to pack up all his clothes. Even worse I keep expecting to see him coming into the kitchen for a snack. Or at night, I'm trying to be quiet walking around thinking I might wake him up. Only to remember he's not here.

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I'm sorry to hear this is so rough on you. Much peace and to you.