I don't know if i can do it

Let me start by giving some backround info... So i started using opiates when i was 13 years old (oxycontin), by 15 i was using heroin, becoming a full blown junky by age 16 or 17. By the time i was 20 i was on 120 mg's of methadone (picking up a benzo habit along the way), this lasted approx. 4 years. After being frustrated with the clinic and their refusal to lower my dose or work with me to get off i walked off, went through 3 months of hell until i could not stand the pain another second and what followed was the most vicious relapse of my life, this run almost cost me my life and caused me more pain in the last year than i could even concieve of. After a couple attempts to quit the dope i jumped back on the methadone clinic for about a month (only going up to 80 mgs this time) before i walked off yet again. So basically i am 25 now and have decided that if i want to live or have any chance of a quality of life i have to get clean, I have to learn to live without opiates.

I have been clean off everything for 21 days, and while i have been through much worse withdrawal in the past I feel i am facing a different set of challenges. I have serious concerns about whether I can live without opiates and while I can put down just about everything else (alcohol, cocaine, benzo's, speed), i always return to heroin. It is crystal clear to me that opiates have completely destroyed my life, and i know my future is bleak if i continue, but after spending such formative years of my life on opiates, I feel off (understatement) without them. On one level, i don't know what it has done to my brain chemistry, I'm sure it has effected my brain in the way the limbic system produces/regulates endogenous opiates, as it would for any opiate addict. But i am worried that being on opiates from such a young age has effected me in such a way that i will never feel right without them. I know the brain can heal and rewire itself and can only hope that over time this will be the case for me, but it is so difficult to ride this out when i still feel so shitty and my brain is screaming for heroin from the inside out. My skin is still crawling, I still don't sleep much, I am anxious, go through many mood swings, stomach is all fucked up, and i can't help but think about the way i know to stop it. I know this will pass eventually, and using will not solve the problem, only prolong it, but it's fucking hard.

The other challenge i face is that I am 25 and once the withdrawal/PAWS passes, i have to learn to become a responsible human being without the use of opiates. I'm sure that using from the age that i did has significantly slowed my emotional development, and basically as i sit here stripped of all the drugs, the changes i know i have to make are absolutely terrifying to me. There are certain circumstances in my life today that present me with a unique window of opportunity that i know i have to take advantage of or i will never change. I am doing everything i can to hang in there, even going to NA for support as much as i disagree with its program. I guess what i am trying to say is that I have come to a point where the drugs don't work any longer, to go on using would mean a slow death, but the idea of living without them is terrifying, as they played such a large role in my development from adolescence to adulthood. I know that i need to get clean and learn how to live, but i just don't know how, and have my doubts about whether it's even possible at this point. I have these brief moments of clarity and hope, but they are transient and quickly replaced by an overwhelming sense of fear and despair.

I'm sorry if this comes across as rambling and incoherent, I guess i am just asking for some support and encouragement that this can be done, that people can change and that maybe I'm not doomed to being a junky until I die. If anyone here has had similar experiences, gone through something similar and made it through to the other side, I would really appreciate some feedback, I feel like I'm about to crack here.

thanks

i know what you're going through i started drinking at 7 by 13 i had added weed and vics and percs to the mix and at 14 i used every drug that isn't that nasty research chemical shit now i'm 23 and i shoot oxy and dilaudid and pop xanax like it's going out of style and i know it's killing me but i don't think i can live w/o opiates but there are people with similar stories to us who have got and stayed clean and live a happy life it's not hopeless i don't want to quit though and you do so you have a good chance and remember relapse is expected just keep trying

I feel u man I'm 19 and have been shooting daily since 16 using pretty much daily since 14. Started with vice then shoot in morphine then dope now its a ridiculous amount of fent dilaudid and morphine. I feel the same way as you. I don't know how to live without Them yet its the one thing I long to do. I'd give u advice but I'm as lost as you are. But I'm here to say you're nnot alone.

Hi MrEm, welcome to Bluelight and our little corner of it. Glad you found us.

It's late here, way past my bedtime, so hopefully we'll talk some more when I'm a bit brighter but you've come to the right place. Lots of us, and I mean lots, myself included have been exactly where you are and have come out the other side. It's not easy, but it can be done, absolutely, I'm testament to that myself. Seven year habit, eleven years opiate free. Lots of us are right where you are now and facing the exact same challenges you're facing yourself. We can all relate, and we will all offer what we can, FWIW. It's a long road, no point pretending otherwise, but the great thing is you are already 21 days along it. The hard part is starting down it at all. What follows can only get easier, with time. Be strong, and be proud of what you have achieved so far. You deserve to be. Good luck!