Need advice... I am someone who feels the need of a substance to "carry" me...

Need advice... I am someone who feels the need of a substance to "carry" me...

So, a little background. I have been on klonopin on and off for a couple years, usually 1mg/day, sometimes .5mg, sometimes 4mg if I feel really out there. Whenever I taper off and "quit," I just wait a couple days and start again under the excuse of "well, I'm no longer physically dependent at all." I've taken kratom for almost a year and a half. At first, it was 5 or 6 days a week, but nowadays, 2 days a week is the norm (1oz of powder lasts me 2 days). Kratom withdrawal, for me, even after just 3-4 days on it, ALWAYS results in a day's depression.

I try to follow a mindful life, I have a meditative past, and am even moving to a farm in 2 weeks to work (WWOOFing program), which I think would be great for me. However, whether it's klonopin, kratom, kava, herbal tea... even taking a handful of fish oil. I always feel like I have to TAKE something to "CARRY" me through the day. It doesn't help that I work on the computer at my own house (videography and editing). My mind often turns to a schizophrenic feeling of dread, an awareness and near-fear of consciousness. I cannot explain it, but it really distracts from my creative work of filmmaking. Often times, in my state of sober mind, nothing seems "worth doing."

Certain things help, but only temporarily. Biking/exercise... staying a few days at a female friend's house for intimacy and a better work environment (but then, of course, I'd worry about attachment).

I am really not that bad off at all, I hope none of the people here who have come off of opiate addictions, etc look down on this post, but instead try to relate. I guess I'm looking for less addictive things to take (I take magnesium, lysine, lemon balm, just started Rosavin brand rhodiola rosea, sometimes have tulsi/holybasil tea for mood)... kava, too, but it isn't sustainable. Also, just general advice on what to do? Simply "keeping busy" doesn't work for me, as I get the same feeling, and even when with a group of best friends, feel a strange pressure to become hypomanic in a way to keep up. I prefer a simpler, slower way of socializing.

Thanks!!!!

I hear. I have fought opiate addiction for years now and recently went 4 months clean from heroin, felt somewhat ok/good and then Im 2 months back into using again. I want to be happy without iy but the happiness just doesnt seem to come. I know I know... PAWS. I imagine this is what u might feel like for a little while if u decide to ever stay clean. The title of your post is what caught me, obviously, and I feel the same way. All though I was clean for those 4 months I felt like I was missing something and I was. I was bored, depressed, lonely etc. so I turned back to drugs..... sorry but Im stopping here.... just not feeling up to going into much more detail but I do know exactly how u feel. Good luck.

Heh, well the thing is, you actually HAVE to take things to "CARRY" you through the day. There has to be a constant intake of things to stay alive. If you feel like your diet isn't cutting it and you need odd things like clonazepam to sustain yourself, maybe you should start to eat completely differently? I know this sounds like bullshit, but I will promise you that if you eat like the majority of people do and suddenly started eating all kinds of healthy stuff it would feel like you were high on something. I make berry smoothies, 50 grams of blueberries, 50g of cranberries, 50g of lingonberry and 50g of black currant and let me tell you, they honestly make feel a little high. I need that shit, I wouldn't get through the day. I didn't even realize I needed it until I tried it. A lot of people compensate basic nutritional needs with psychoactive drugs, but this is just masking your needs and eventually these people usually end up as mentally ill addicts.

Try those berry smoothies and don't add any sugar either, just water. Try a high dose of protein. Try a strong vitamin b-complex. Drink some coffee. Fish oil, man. Also keep these things in moderation.

^ i think FnX is right.

I struggle with opiates myself(used to with benzos but fuck them, if i could find the guy who invented benzos i would shove a parking block up his asshole), and somedays when your jonesing or even after wd, it's just so damn hard to do anything. I can't make myself work, go to school, or even leave the house.

But i know if i quit and stuck it out for a few months, and started eating a healthy diet, excercising, and avoiding all drugs but weed, i'd probably be high on life in no time.

That's what i plan to do someday....someday.

Good luck op,

I struggled with opiates too and I'm clean now and have been for a while.

I know what you mean, though. I hate being sober, I just fucking hate it. Even if I don't have anything to take to get me high, I'll drink a bunch of coffee or energy drinks or something. People always say, well you can keep yourself busy.. that doesn't work, because when I'm sober I'm not interested in anything and find no joy in anything at all. I don't feel any emotions when I'm sober, at all. I never get sad, I never get truly happy, I sometimes get brief flashes of anger.. but that's about it. Apart from that, it just feels like life is pointless because I don't like anything.

I'm on probation and have been for the past 10 months, so I can't get high on anything really. I do take kratom every once in a while if I really feel like I need to get high and feel something. Otherwise I would drink myself to a decent buzz every night. I stopped drinking 7 days ago though, and now I just take valerian root to help me fall asleep.

But when I'm sober it's like I'm not even alive, and I know I'm going to be like this for the rest of my life, cause that's how I've always been. I think that when I get off of probation I'll start smoking weed again. I may still have been dead and empty inside when I used to smoke daily, but at least I felt like I was at peace.