Making the Decision to Get Clean

I've struggled with addiction for years, from weed to pills, to coke, to heroin, to the needle. Amphetamines have always seemed to have the most day-to-day utility, and I've found myself completely dependent upon them. I can't fathom living without them.

I relapsed recently, after my girlfriend and I broke up, and stole some hydrocodone pills from a family member. Aside from that I drank heavily and smoked weed all the while being on a signature bond not to do those things. After this trainwreck arrived at the station, my parents explained that they had had enough of my relapsing, and lying, and hurting everyone around me with my drug use. As a result of my use, I have until Sunday to find another place to live. I could maybe go live with my dad. My ex-girlfriend offered for me to stay at her apartment, on the couch, and only while she was there. My other options would be a shelter, like Salvation army, or attempt to contact various other people in my life about living arrangements, from college counselors I grew close to, to people from AODA groups.

My mom did mention that I could maybe convince her to allow me to stay, provided I promised to earnestly pursue recovery.


I don't know what to do. I picked up my bottle of Vyvanse today, so I just wanna go on a speed run and see what happens. I did meth for the first time about a month ago and loved it, but it seems too risky to obtain especially when I have prescription speed. I want to take this week to examine my life, while on amphetamines, then take a break for a few weeks to see if I can function without them.

I would just move out but I don't work enough to support myself. I have two 8 hour shifts on the weekend, and work maybe one or two days a week doing either snow removal or window washing.

I feel like such a useless, hopeless drug addict that has lost all respect from the people around him. Part of me wants to really try to get clean and get back into recovery, because there a lot of benefits to leading a healthy drug free life. But the recovery community here just sucks, I want to move back to my college town where I really connected with everyone and felt welcome and not sketched out. I feel like I've been given so many opportunities to succeed and get help from the people in my life, but I turn my back on them for the drugs.

The sense of purpose and ambition that amphetamines give me is seemingly otherwise unattainable. When I take a good dose of Vyvanse, I feel like I can accomplish anything I want. Sometimes when sober I will feel similarly, where if I put my mind to something I could do it. Maybe part of my recovery would be regaining touch with that part of who I am. I've always had very ambitious and lofty goals, bordering on delusions of grandeur type dreams. But you have to think big to be highly successful.

I need to dissociate the ambitious, motivated part of me who has an entrepreneurial bent and a razor-sharp analytical mind, with the effects of amphetamines. If I could be me on amphetamines without needing the amphetamines, I would be good to go. Confident, attractive, empathetic, understanding, welcoming, helpful, sincere, compassionate. Organized, leadership skills, motivated, ambitious, well-connected, assertive, dominant.

Please help, I sincerely need advice to figure out how I should handle my addiction to amphetamines, which is interwoven into so many aspects of my life that everything unravels when I run out. I know I need to get clean and stay clean, but I don't know how to deal with the constant cravings for amphetamines when I don't have them. How can I accept a life that consists of working a job for the sole purpose of earning money to support my meager, uninspiring, average existence. Amphetamines make me feel important, like I'm doing something significant with my life. I suppose I've been spinning my wheels for quite a while, but slowly I was saving money. I want to go back to my old university, where the culture was intellectual and progressive. While I was there, working on plasma fusion research and studying nuclear engineering, I felt like I was contributing to something greater than myself, that my life had meaning. I enjoyed work, and school, but it was hard to regulate my amphetamine intake to adequately provide stimulation for everything I had to do. I want to be able to take a certain amount every day, with the same effects, and focus on doing great things and groundbreaking work instead of obsessing about meth all day because my job is nothing but snow removal.

Cliffs:
-Been using for 5-7 years, from weed, to pills, to hard drugs IV, with amphetamines being my biggest battle
-Got caught with coke last year, returned home from university to take time off and get clean
-Met a girl, dated for 5 months before we broke up yesterday
-Used meth for the first time a month ago, and loved it being dependent on dextroamphetamine, craved it often since then
-Relapsed over the weekend, stealing a bottle of hydrocodone from a family member, drinking significant amounts, smoking weed, and abusing my Vyvanse
-Family (who had graciously allowed me to return home provided I stayed clean) found out, said I have until Sunday to figure out a new place to live
Questions:
->I need advice on getting clean. How to not abuse or depend on amphetamines for motivation, confidence, and essentially every human characteristic associated with the drive to succeed in life. I feel that without them nothing is rewarding and I have almost no desire to complete tasks or plan for my future. This is severely debilitating and keeps me from doing the things I want to do that would help me move towards what I want to have and be in life.
I need help, sincerely, I am scared at the thought of being homeless and sober. I need to work more to support myself but I'm not sure where to start, I suppose I need to take initiative at where I currently work to get more hours. It's hard to reconcile the fact that making $8.25/hr is my only option, while I am capable of so much more. It makes working seem pointless, I would rather continue and complete my education, where even undergraduate research positions pay at least $8.50/hr or more.

Thanks dark siders!!!

Dude I didn't read the entire thing but my advice would be to sit down with your parents and have a real heart to heart. Do you want to get on w/ the rest of your life and close the "chapter of drugs", or what I refer to my using period as, "the dark ages." If you want to get clean convey that to them and commit to AA/NA a couple times a week, or helping out with chores around the house. Others might disagree, but I think it's your bet best to stay at home and fight to get clean while you have support and a roof over your head. It won't be easy, but if you need to, maybe suboxone could help give you some stability. I dunno, I just don't think moving with your ex is a good idea at all, and trying to make it on your own with all these addiction problems.. you won't get far. At least I didn't get far when I tried to work full-time and live like an adult. I held it together for a few months but then it was drinking with friends here and there, then drinking everyday after work, then CWE once a week, then CWE twice a week, then smoking heroin, then buying and IV heroin. Then getting fired and slowly letting everything go to shit and having to move back in with my folks and try and get clean. Its a brutally viscous cycle and I'd encourage you to get all the help and support you can, and start fighting bro. We'll be here to help you every step of the way.

I would check my self into a 6 month program at the salvation army. You really have nothing to loose. Its a great program. Its really alot of fun...check it out. you gota piss clean though to get in.

DrinksWithEvil said:

I would check my self into a 6 month program at the salvation army. You really have nothing to loose. Its a great program. Its really alot of fun...check it out. you gota piss clean though to get in.

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I second this. well any long term treatment. usually they will help you get a place to stay upon completion, help you get a job, basically help you become an independent clean adult. Im a recovering junkie (I enjoyed meth as well but heroin was my doc) and I'm enjoying my clean life. definitely check out this opportunity. shit there's a guy I know whos in drug court with me who was homeless and PURPOSELY relapsed short term to prove he had an issue staying clean to get into a long term treatment like salvation army. I've heard "normal" people who are envious of the opportunities that we in recovery have in housing and job assistance.

Trocious just keep it simple. If you make the decision to get clean, then stick to it. Easier said than done but thats life.

I can`t say anything about addiction, but be honest and sincere with your folks and the people that care for you. They deserve it, and it will most likely make it easier for them to help you.

Good luck, you can do this:D

X3 on the salvation army thing, have heard only good things.

Tid bit on staying clean... You have to draw a line in the sand, and say i'm not going to use anything ever PERIOD. Do not attach any reasons to it as they will just be taken into the argument that rages in every newly clean addicts head and eventually be turned into an excuse to use.

HONESTY is the key to getn and staying clean.

Best wishes.

neversickanymore said:

X3 on the salvation army thing, have heard only good things.

Tid bit on staying clean... You have to draw a line in the sand, and say i'm not going to use anything ever PERIOD. Do not attach any reasons to it as they will just be taken into the argument that rages in every newly clean addicts head and eventually be turned into an excuse to use.

HONESTY is the key to getn and staying clean.

Best wishes.

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I agree. alcohol is a big problem in my sobriety from opiates/other drugs, but i go to Uni and drinking is how we socialise. Puts me in a rather difficult situation every time i go to "socialise", but hey I have always been a risk taker and I am feeling pretty sure about myself right now. I guess it depends on your confidence to stay clean off the substance you wish to. If you feel you can do it, then power to you, do what ever else you wish. If you don't feel strong enough, then cut EVERYTHING DRUG WISE out of your life...

aussie101 said:

cut EVERYTHING DRUG WISE

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only way to do it really

ya i just got on subs like 2 weeks ago, but now drink heavily. Only at night though...i feel if i dont,ill go crazy and die.

Thanks everyone for the thoughtful comments and support! I was having lunch with my mom and grandpa to discuss all this shit, and from a combination of sleep deprivation, emotional stress, and talking about painful things my childhood, I had a huge personal revelation. I dissociated and relived a lot of childhood drama that my mom was able to talk me through. I basically blacked out or went into a hypnotic trance, it was extremely profound and allowed me to see first hand all the reasons I felt inadequate and was always searching for something to fill that void, whether it was drugs or sex or whatever could make me feel ok and normal and worthwhile. I now have a chance to get clean I feel, knowing the reason that I went back time and time again to getting high. I know deep down I don't need the drugs, and that I'm a good person who has so much to offer and deserves a happy, fulfilling life. But whatever happened to me broke my spirit and for 20 years I've been battling those demons.

It's been extremely difficult the past few days, but I'm allowed to stay at my parents for now and I'm mending things with my ex. Emotionally I'm all over the place, and that's not too surprising but the emotional flashbacks could easily overwhelm me if I don't diffuse them. There's a time and a place to relive all that shit, but I need some time to recover and heal from that first flood of memories and emotions. I'm really grateful that I finally uncovered a key piece of my puzzle, I actually feel as though I have a chance to get clean and be ok with being sober. I want to stop running and hiding from life, from myself, and from living up to my potential. It will be seriously difficult. It already has been wanting to get high to numb the pain, but every time I overcome that urge to run away I get stronger.

I have no idea how long it will take to put my pieces back together, but I know now, genuinely and truly, that getting high will only delay the process of healing and keep me stuck in the shadows. I want to save that helpless little child who feared for his life and felt completely worthless and betrayed by the only people he should have been able to trust. I need to find where that terrified, hopeless part of me is and help him realize how much he has to offer, that he's a gifted, unique, amazing person who didn't deserve what happened to him. None of what happened to him was his fault, he was completely innocent and beautiful and perfect, and he can't let the cruel and sick actions of someone else dictate how he feels about himself for the rest of his life.

For 20 years I've had a black cloud of fear, resentment, anger, self-loathing, and hopelessness. I now have a chance to face those lifelong, debilitating demons. Before I had only a vague idea of where my issues came from and no idea how to address them, but now I know that I have a whole host of shit to deal with, but I know where to start and that makes all the difference. I'm so grateful I had this life-changing experience because I'm convinced that without it I would have continued using indefinitely in a futile effort to numb my pain and run from my past.


This week I've been facing it as best as I can, working through the pain instead of taking the easy route and escaping through drugs. Well, that's not entirely true as I've been abusing my Vyvanse. But I have only 3 left and I'm glad my drugs are almost gone because I really want to be done with all the shit I can't seem to live without. Because I know I can live without it. I graduated high school at 16 and managed fine up until then without stimulants. I have an amazing mind that surprises me at times with its ability to recover from psychological and neurological insults.

All I want is put my broken pieces back together so I can be the person I was born to be. I have no doubt in my mind that everything happened in my life happened for a reason. Surviving everything that's happened to me has made me who I am. I want to one day be able to look back and know that none of what happened to me was my fault, and be a survivor instead of a victim. I'm sure without the crazy shit that happened to me I would have still been a special person, but perhaps it acted as a catalyst in many ways, although undeniably set me back in many ways. Once I've had time to process the trauma and recover what was taken from me, I can truly move forward in my life instead of floundering and treading water no matter where I am or what I'm doing.

Getting clean while also confronting my past will be the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but I've made it this far despite wanting my life to end countless times to escape the pain once and for all. Knowing that gives me the strength to keep pushing and have faith that I will get better and recover.


Today I WANT to live and I WANT to stop getting high. Today I KNOW what I need to do to have the life I deserve, and it all starts with working on myself. I'm tired of hiding; my demons will always find me no matter where I go, how far I run, or how high I get. Inevitably the drugs will wear off, I'll be too tired to keep running, and there will be no where left to hide. I can finally accept that now. I can't say I don't fear how painful confronting my past will be, but I have the courage and support that I need to work through it and know I'll be okay. I do know that I'll feel completely lost and hopeless and empty sometimes, maybe even a lot of the time, but by recognizing where those feelings come from I'm no longer helpless to stop their influence. As I process everything I can change the core beliefs that have held me back my whole life, and begin to truly thrive in whatever I choose to.


Thanks so much bluelighters, dark siders, all of you guys have been so helpful in offering support, advice, and personal things that I can relate to. I haven't gone on any board here except the darkside since Tuesday and I'm really proud of that. Anyone who read that, I hope you could take something away from my experience and props for taking the time to read my story haha.

OP have you ever been to an AA or NA meeting it really helps a lot of people to go and make friends with people who have been where you are and have what you want but you have to be willing to give everything to get sober you need to work just as hard if not harder on staying sober than you do/did trying to get/stay high

trocious your story sounds a lot like mine. it is hard getting clean and dealing with your past rushing back. I suffer ptsd from my childhood and needless to say having all that shit come flooding over me when getting clean was not easy. definitely seek help and support outside your family as sometimes its easier to talk to a stranger at least it was in my case. being clean is a fantastic feeling, I've pretty much got my past tamed so its not hovering over me like a dark cloud. you can do this. tds helped me a lot as well. but we're like a big family here and I love that. keep pushing on and I promise you, you will reap the benefits of sobriety in a short while.