Fired my Sponsor (AA Related)

I really looked up to this man and got a lot from his shares. Yesterday I asked him to be my sponsor (to think about it). So anyways he invited me to an evening speaker meeting which I would have never gone to usually, but I went. And we hit it off, he has 8 years of sobriety, but he's so hardcore.. so hardcore in fact, that today I called him and told him that it wasn't going to work out and that I wouldn't be able to meet his expectations.

He told me I would have to go to an AA meeting everyday, not 90 in 90. An AA meeting everyday until after my first year. At first when he said it I kind of shrugged it off since we had a good connection and our evening went well otherwise. But this morning I woke up and was like WTF... why did I get myself into this mess, now I have to get myself out.

Anyone else always end up screwing themselves over in the name of "improvement?" I always do this. I get super inspired to change some area of my life and then I see how much freedom I loose and I get cold feet and then I say "fuck it." Im disapointed, I feel bad about having to cut him loose.

Is it the everyday meetings that spooked you? Or the fact that he is "requiring you" to go as a condition of becoming your sponsor? I've found some AA/NA people hardcore as well, like my way or the highway. But they also can understand if you relapse or can't go everyday. I don't get on well with judgemental types and shot myself in the foot because I can be stubborn. I would suggest a different club if it's at all possible. I imagine it would be awkward running into this guy again. It's not easy, I'm struggling too. Don't give up, you could find another group.

I feel bad T. Calderone because this guy would help me become a man. I really needed a deep human connection with a male role model and honestly a big problem I have is always looking for shortcuts in life to be comfortable. I know I could do a meeting everyday but its just such an inconvienance. And it's so typical of me to back out when shit gets tough. It's kind of tough, im 27, hes 48, and has a son my age. and he was willing to be my life coach so to speak. I feel pretty convicted right now, like maybe im selling myself short again.

What bad would come out of this? and its not like missing 1 meeting and id be fired. This is the big leagues of sobriety, and it scares me that i wont go to any length to have it. Anyways sorry, i need to relax. Kinda worked up about this, merging on manic.

I know a kid (21 years old) who recently celebrated four years sober. He was in a bad accident four years ago and critically injured a passenger. This led him to sobriety and a "hardcore" sponsor. He has done what the sponsor has suggested (some of it I would've struggled with), taken leadership classes outside of AA, and really listened to what this guy has said to him.

Last time I spoke with him, he was offered a head position to set up bottled water factories overseas. At 21 years old, this dude has come into a $100,000+ job with huge responsibilities riding on his shoulders. The best part is when he said that he told the president of this company that he is an alcoholic and if this job in any way threatens his sobriety, he will have to step down. The president responded by saying "I've been clean 12 years myself. If you ever feel like your sobriety is threatened, I will fly a personal jet to wherever you are and bring you back home to straighten yourself out."

My point is that he followed a rather rough set of suggestions and went out of his comfort zone to attend other classes for life improvement in sobriety. He has patiently listened and it has paid off in dividends at the young age of 21. Amazing.

Anyways, it goes either way. You sound like me where having "things to do" feels like someone else is controlling what I am doing and then I don't know if I'm doing it for me or them. Your ex-sponsor isn't going to care. Like everyone else, he has his own life to keep in order. Don't worry about him. It's about and for you.

Think about the freedom you lost with your old life. Think about the real "WTFs" in the morning you had when you really had yourself in a mess. This sponsor may not be what you want, but if you're anything like me, I don't know what the hell I want. I just know I don't want what I had and I am willing to go to great lengths to never go back to that darkness.

It's all about what you want, my man. With that first story I was just trying to illustrate where a little open-minded, non-egoistic centered selfishness can get us. Trust me, I'm working on it, too.

AA is bullshit. Sponsors have a God complex. Find a program/rehab that doesn't focus on the 12 moronic steps.

Illyria99 said:

AA is bullshit. Sponsors have a God complex. Find a program/rehab that doesn't focus on the 12 moronic steps.

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I completely disagree with your opinion. Everyone's path in life is different and so goes the same for recovery. Also, to simply come in and spread a negative, completely unhelpful opinion to the OP wasn't needed.

Get2Think, sorry for the thread jacking.

No biggie fifleman, thank you for taking the time to help me with this. I got a lot out of that story you told me. Just knowing that I could do the 365 but am choosing not to just reminds me of old behavior. I never sow deep so I dont reap deep. And I feel like I have everything to gain by giving this a chance. Fear and discomfort are keeping me down. So i dunno... im gonna sleep on it. And irya99 I understand where you are coming from. I really dont care what everyones preffered way of sobriety is, its the end result that matters.

fifleman said:

I completely disagree with your opinion. Everyone's path in life is different and so goes the same for recovery. Also, to simply come in and spread a negative, completely unhelpful opinion to the OP wasn't needed.

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I don't care if you disagree. And what I'm saying is, the whole AA way of life is a waste of time. You said yourself that "everyone's path in life is different and so goes the same for recovery," and my post underlined that truth.

It's only "negative and unhelpful" if you're one of those people who believe 100% that AA actually works. It does not. Going to meetings, listening to others drone on and on about their life is a major drag...and a trigger in itself.

There are other programs that actually work. AA is not one of them.

I'm sorry AA didn't work for you.

Get2Think, can you at least give this guy a chance before dropping him to the curb completely? A meeting a day for a year does sound like it might be tough, but so is sobriety. It sounds like this guy has a lot to offer you and I think you should take him up on it. He wants to help you and knows what it will take for you to get that help. You said yourself that you could do a meeting daily, but are scared. Major life changes (including sobriety) can be terrifying indeed, but embracing them and doing what you need to do can help you to achieve what you may have never thought possible.

Spork I've dropped this guy and its really unfortunate that he expected so much from me, when I'm barely trying to go to college full time and stay sober. Nowhere in the big book or any other meetings have I heard anyone being required to go to a meeting everyday for a year. Maybe some addicts need that, I am not one of them. I don't get off going to meetings all the time and socializing, and AA is not my life. I gave this quite some thought and after leaning towards both directions I've come to the conclusion that this dude can go pound sand and that fuck the steps and getting a sponsor if this is how its gotta be. My life is hard enough without making it even harder with this dudes crazy demands. He can lord his "everyday meetings a day" on some other poor soul, I'm not gonna stand for it.

Illyria99 said:

I don't care if you disagree. And what I'm saying is, the whole AA way of life is a waste of time. You said yourself that "everyone's path in life is different and so goes the same for recovery," and my post underlined that truth.

It's only "negative and unhelpful" if you're one of those people who believe 100% that AA actually works. It does not. Going to meetings, listening to others drone on and on about their life is a major drag...and a trigger in itself.

There are other programs that actually work. AA is not one of them.

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Again, I enjoyed your opinion. The irony of your first comment is that is was spoken as universal truth and that is far from reality. If there is a God, the truth exists only to him. You are certainly not God and nor am I so to speak in such a way is ignorance. Next time, I suggest using phrases such as "I think", "For me", etc. Maybe that was inferred but I certainly missed it. Your opinion is unique to you just as much as mine is to me. However, the truth exists outside of you and I and I believe we are fools to claim to know it.

To come in spouting your opinion as the ultimate truth isn't needed. There's obvious struggles here on TDS and negative opinions bashing one path or another of recovery that could potentially sway a person's road for sobriety is bullshit. My Grandad always said, "If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say it."

If you care to elaborate on the other programs that work, I would be all ears. I attend SMART Recovery as well as AA. The bottom line for me is that I am sober, content, and hoping I can help others in any way possible.

The Dark Side doesn't need defeating and negative comments. As a drug addict and alcoholic who lived years in negativity, I need to surround myself in positivity and I want only that for my fellow people, especially here.

Take your negativity elsewhere.

fifleman said:

Next time, I suggest using phrases such as "I think", "For me", etc. Maybe that was inferred but I certainly missed it. Your opinion is unique to you just as much as mine is to me. However, the truth exists outside of you and I and I believe we are fools to claim to know it.


If you care to elaborate on the other programs that work, I would be all ears. I attend SMART Recovery as well as AA. The bottom line for me is that I am sober, content, and hoping I can help others in any way possible.

The Dark Side doesn't need defeating and negative comments. As a drug addict and alcoholic who lived years in negativity, I need to surround myself in positivity and I want only that for my fellow people, especially here.

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Couldn't agree more. AA/NA brings up strong feelings pro and con for everyone and it is unfair to derail anyone's thread with arguments over it either way. Let's support each other where we each are, not waste time urging someone else to do it your way.

Get2think, you are right to use introspection to think about what old habits might be preventing you from stepping up to something that feels rigorous and demanding, but at the same time you have to listen to your intuition. Maybe this guy isn't the right sponsor for you, maybe he would have been--hard to say. Bottom line is that he is not the only person available that could sponsor you. Getting someone that you feel comfortable with but who will challenge and inspire you is the goal. Don't get discouraged or overthink it---just stay on track with what you are doing and keep looking. Happy Sunday, everybody.

For some reason NA/AA reminds me of Scientology.

Great now my parents are taking the side of this batshit sponsor and threatening me, saying I need a stronger program. I fucking hate myself so much, I cannot take this bullshit. They say my telling them that this is the best I can do is a cop-out. WTF, why do I ruin everything time and time again. If I didn't have so much fucking riding right now I think I would have a beer because sobriety isn't worth it my life is shit like it was before except now I can't drink/use to feel normal and happy. So here I go, I use to be able to go to a few meetings a week until I got the bright idea that I needed to take my recovery to the next level. Little did I know that would be an incredibly unfair meeting EVERY FUCKING DAY!!! Way to punish me, now I screwed, fml.

Im going to make a couple phone calls and pray and cool down before I flip the fuck out and drink/use over this. I've felt this way before, and usually in the past I have always made huge mistakes as a result.

Get2Think: Did you do drugs to fit in with a social crowd? If the answer is yes, you need AA/NA. If the answer is no, run far, far away. And don't look back.

I always thought the purpose of quitting drugs was to move on in your life. Why go to that 12 step shit and white-knuckle it? I don't see the logic in some one who is trying to quit drugs making the focal point of their life talking about drugs. Every meeting I left I was craving harder than before.

AA/NA = a bunch of low-lives dicksizing about how huge their habit was and how many bitches they fucked. Not my scene, but hey...

And to all the haters: I did 120 meetings in 120 days. While I admit I'm no expert, I can safely say I know a thing or two about the program...

You know the original AA Nazis were so strict they wouldn't even allow diabetics in their meetings? I guess shooting insulin to stay alive was considered a drug problem.

I think I am to the point of leaving Bluelight again for the fact that the negative vibes sometimes outweigh the positive. My entire problem was centered around a negative way of looking at life through my delusional mind. If the Dark Side is made darker by negative comments, all opinions, then what the hell is the point? Yes, we are all sick. But to keep the Dark Side "Dark"? I would like to see a light at the end of the tunnel for people coming here and in general. I am quite irritated at the broad spectrum of ignorance and close minded opinions here.

Good and great AA meetings I have been to are far from your description, Blind Melon. The good and greats focus on the solutions to life situations in a sober light. They focus on positivity, on recovery, on moving on and strengthening strong attributes and working on character defects or simply the non-perfectness of sentient beings. I hear what I want to hear and I choose to keep it positive instead of harping on the negative. Just because you attended the amount of meetings you did doesn't mean you heard a damn thing.

I support whatever works in your recovery. I incorporate AA meetings, SMART Recovery, and Buddhism as my core recovery. However, I am open to any path that leads to sobriety. That being said, where the hell does one get off bashing another way of recovery just because it hasn't worked for you, yet?

Obviously, we are finding out what doesn't work for you. So, what the hell does?

Get2Think:

Take a deep breath and sit with yourself. You are OK. I don't have to have the world figured out in this moment and the same goes for you. In this moment, you are sober, and you are with the most important person in your life: you. Sit cross legged, close your eyes, and focus on your breathing. Realize that, in this exact moment, you have no problems. You have no imminent danger threatening you. You have no predator prowling you. These perceived "problems" arise from the mind. If you are like me, your mind is great at working you up over little things.

I would suggest sitting down and talking to your parents. To communicate effectively is the greatest gift I have today. If I let other people know how I am feeling and where I am at, I have put the ball in their court and have stood up for myself. Do not convey emotion through your words by yelling, but you can start by saying "I am irritated right now with you guys not believing what I have going for myself with sobriety is enough, and...." Something to that effect. I would highly suggest this conversation.

You must do what you must do for yourself. The world rests on your shoulders. Do not let that be a cumbersome thought, but rather a comforting one knowing you can direct the world into safe harbor with your decisions. Hopefully these decisions lead to further sobriety and contentment within yourself.

Again, you don't need to have the world all sussed out right now. Just breathe, my man. You will be OK.

Hang in there. Your strategy of making phone calls and praying sounds perfect--because it is coming from you and not from anyone else. Nurture yourself in whatever ways you need to right now. Your parents are scared and people don't always behave the best when they are scared. They will calm down as you calm down and then you can try to talk to them. Stay in the now and just take care of your feelings. The best solution for any problem is to be in a calm frame of mind to deal with it.