I really messed up and am so lost right now.

Hi evreybody its been awhile since i have made a thread but im lost and really need some advice.

So to make a long short. I got court mandated to inpatient treatment jan 5 2012.

I was in the program until sep 16 when i got released so i had almost 9 months clean from a 8 year heroin and 2 year 6-10mg a day xanax habit so basically i went thru hell for 9 months.

So i was pretty happy sober eventho i never felt %100 i feel like mayb if i woulda made it to one year sober i woulda started to feel alot better.

But stupid me i started chipping away at first i was doin ok cuz i was still gettting tested by the courts so i was doin once a week twice at most.

As soon as i completed my program in the begining of january so a month ago i lost control and used evreyday for almost 3 weeks and i have been taking 1mg of xanax at night to sleep also.

So i never have had alot of clean time before so i am really worried about how bad will my withdrawl be since my binge wasnt to long and i had some clean time before.

So for the last 4 days ive been taking methadone but do not want to take it for to long so i didnt take much for the last 2 days ive only taken 10mg a day and feel pretty good.

So what do you guys think did i restart my whole process or will this w/d be quicker?

Im not %100 mad at myself cuz i feel like i really needed to get my relapse out of the way cuz i was getting alittle cocky.

So i am really set on staying clean and working hard at it this time around. I guess i just really wanna hear what i want which is my w/d shouldnt b to bad and as long as i stay sober that this will not set me back to much.

I hope evreyone out there in the bluelight world is doing well



















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totach said:

Im not %100 mad at myself cuz i feel like i really needed to get my relapse out of the way cuz i was getting alittle cocky.

So i am really set on staying clean and working hard at it this time around. I guess i just really wanna hear what i want which is my w/d shouldnt b to bad and as long as i stay sober that this will not set me back to much.

Click to expand...

I don't know what to say about the WD's but I just wanted to say good for you for your attitude about the relapse. I think it is a very healthy way to look at it. Do you have some good support for where you are now?

I know that a lot of people here will be able to tell you more what to expect as far as the withdrawal. Hang in there and stay strong. Your resolve, along with your experience from the past efforts will be what pulls you through. Knowing that relapse can always happen, no matter how much clean time you have is a very good awareness to nurture.

I have never been on heroin, but I was in a locked down treatment program for alcohol/benzo addiction. I spent most of the last year relapsing and it seemed like each time I relapsed I went through the damn DTs again. But please keep the attitude that this is the LAST time you will ever feel this way in your life. You have made a mistake or two but learned from it, which is more than a lot of people can (like me) and do. Let go of being mad at yourself, losing control is super easy when you are trying to get clean. This time can and will be different.

Hang in there,

Peace,

C.

you really pushed it with the 3 week thing, from here on out if you're gonna chip it's gotta be 1 day at most. and as infrequently as possible. After 8 years of heroin, 3 days of use should give you withdrawals. I hate to tell you but i think it's going to be worse than you think, especially if you are using xanax and have used it for a month. Benzos have this 'kindling' phenomenom where each time you go back to using them the withdrawals hit faster and are worse. I think a similar thing happens with opiates too. All i can advise is that if you've been using xanax for 3-4 weeks is to do a short diazepam taper and just suffer out the opiate withdrawal and don't fuck around again like this, it's going to hurt. A new user to opiates/benzos can get away with 3-4 weeks of daily use but not a former addict. I find chipping just makes the PAWS come back more than anything else, the physical aspect isn't bad but the PAWS will get you, so be careful.

no matter how much clean time you have, this will always be the case from now on, you will get withdrawals/tolerance faster than a regular person will and really anything more than a single dose you are risking a return of even mild withdrawals. Did you take a break after that 3 week binge until now? cause that would help, if you've been taking opiates/benzos since the start of january, i'd say you are going to face some pain though.

Just want to say good on you for having such an easy mind on your recent series of events. Generally there can be a lot of mental anguish surrounding drug relapses, but its good to see some strength within you.
Nice work making it so far with your treatment
I am hoping your withdrawals aren't too devastating for you.. Stay tuned in with BL and keep your mind on track

Bro I know its so hard to live without heroin. Its so hard to face life and even the thought of being sober is dreadful. But how do you expect to continue living with this monkey on your back? When you play the hard-drug game the house always wins in the end. the game is rigged. Even if you win you loose (e,g. running out of money, constipation, bad sleep).

The sooner you start learning how to live without drugs the better. Its a process and has taken me a few years (with relapses and clean time) just to reach a point where I can look back and see that the struggle wasn't in vain, and that sobriety is worth it. A life without the drama, heartbreak, depression, and chaos that heroin brings to its user. I know how pleasurable that shit is, and thats why its so evil. But you can find similar pleasure in other areas of life in sobriety that wont bankrupt your life.

I really encourage you to look into opiate maintenance program like suboxone or methadone. That would be a good first step, and while your stabilized on that start learning about recovery and improving yourself and your life. the more you accomplish the more you won't want to piss away on heroin. And you might actually wake up one day and be glad that you are where you are, and that the future is bright!

Also it is my personal belief that without God and his son Jesus Christ we will never be satisfied. Without his love I haven't been able to truly love others. God is a great redeemer and he is always looking out for addicts that humble themselves enough to admit that they have a problem and they need help. God then takes their broken lives and fixes them and he only expects one thing in return for helping us. That is, that we pay it back by helping other addicts to find the same solution. I can honestly tell you that in sobriety and in Jesus I have found lasting joy, hope, peace, and satisfaction in a way that heroin can't even come close to. God lifted me out of a gnarly opiate addiction and gave me a purpose and most importantly hope. So if your open to God call on him and he won't let you down. Good luck friend.

tripnotyzm said:

Just want to say good on you for having such an easy mind on your recent series of events. Generally there can be a lot of mental anguish surrounding drug relapses, but its good to see some strength within you.
Nice work making it so far with your treatment
I am hoping your withdrawals aren't too devastating for you.. Stay tuned in with BL and keep your mind on track

Click to expand...

I agree with everything thats said here... Having been in the rooms of aa / na myself I've seen a lot of peoples relapses cause them so much emotional pain and suffering, which ends up causing them to remain using. So good on you for keeping a positive outlook in this time of confusion.

BL is always here for you...Good luck!

Thank you all so much for taking your time to read and reply to my thread.

So i am not doing so bad i took my last 5mg of methadone on tueaday morning and so far the only real w/d symptom i have is i cant sleep for shit not even a minute.

Eventho most ppl would say thats not such a big deal for me it is in the past that was the main symptom that drove me to using again.

So last night i took about .5mg of suboxone n i slept pretty good. I know i gotta face the music sooner or later but i feel like i cant deal with a month of no sleep right now.

So this is what i intend to do i go to the gym now evreyday and i am trying to eat only healthy foods i really believe that going to the gym for the week i took the methadone helped me not get bad w/d's. So i will continue doing this and hope for a quick recovery.

I havent taken any xanax in over 4 days and dont really feel any w/d from that i never really had a crazy addiction to xanax i started out taking it for sleep and somehow wound up taking them all the time for no real reason i never really enjoyed them so i feel like xanax is always pretty easy for me to stop. Cuz i dont fantasize bout the feeling from xanax cuz i never really get any other then a good nights sleep i really dont know how or why i used to take so much xanax lol i guess in my head i always convinced myself that i feel better when i take more xanax.

Dont get me wrong tho when i went away last year the xanax w/d was the hardest thing i ever experienced in my life and when u throw in the opiate w/d also shit i went thru hell n i mean fucking hell for the whole 9 months.

So to sum this up I really felt alot better when i read most of you say how its nice to c me being posotive about my relapse and i really am but only just as long as i stay sober this time or else then my whole year would have been a waste and a failure.

I will keep you guys updated on how i am doing. For the ? if i have any support well the only support i have really is from my ex gf which is the best girl in the world but she has never been a addict so she can never really understand what i am going thru.

But i still consider myself very lucky to hav her around so basically i am my support system by coming to bluelight for advice so all you guys are my support system.


I know that is not enough but for me it might be i feel it is i do not feel comfertable in na and aa i jsut dont i duno y.

I promise you guys i will do it this time i really will i will throw out all the suboxones i have left at home tonight and just deal with what i have to do hopefully if i workout alittle harder my body will b tired enough to just fall asleep eventually.

So once again thanx alot for the replies and i will continue to update this thread

Glad to hear that it hasn't been so horrible and I hope that continues.
Have you ever checked into Smart Recovery either on-line or in your area? I know their meetings can be hard to find as opposed to AA?NA but it might be worth trying to find one for added support. Having people around that are going through the same thing is huge. Even looking for an NA meeting that has people that you feel comfortable with (not all, just a few) could be helpful. You don' have to buy into anyone else's interpretation of things, just get the community support. At any given meeting there are people all over the continuum of beliefs.

Stay strong.

I hear you about the no sleep thing! Restless legs and sleepless nights always drove me back to using, too. Good for you with your attitude. I think you're going to do just fine with this. I don't know what the withdrawals will be like for you, but for me, at least, each consecutive withdrawal got easier to deal with for me because my habit basically lasted less and less time as I relapsed.

Keep up your positive attitude and you'll be fine!!

Thanx again evreybody for responding to my thread and giving me advice Bluelight is the best!

So i am hanging in there eventho i do not feel the best i am grateful for stoping before it really got out of control.

My dilema now is what to do about the suboxone cuz since i stoped the methadone after a weeks use at 10mg a day i have been taking .5mg suboxone evreynight to get me to sleep.

I do not know how long i should b doing this cuz i do not want to be hooked on the suboxone but i also cant handle a month of no sleep right now.

I really do not know what to do i wish there was something out there i can take to make me sleep i hav tried seroquel and ambien in the past and neither helped me sleep at all if anything they made me feel really bad especially the seroquel.

I am so confused as to what to do any advice would be greatly appreciated.




















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