Four months of meth and everything gone

Hi, SWIM not doing too well, is feeling more and more disgusted with herself. Isn't exactly sure if it's lots or little to have IV for 4 months and I'm guessing 2-3 if we count the first two months in the average. A very strange addiction, SWIM cannot understand why she doesn't just stop and get some sleep. So much is at stake. SWIM never thought it possible, never believed until recently she could lose control of herself being so strong of willpower. SWIM lost everything and can't quite comprehend it. Fired from a respectable job, SWIM never sees anyone except for person she is living with who uses too, tendency to be low self esteem and shy is becoming increasingly ashamed to go outside and introverted when needs must, misses how it felt to be employed and respected, and independent, relying on kindness of friend to avoid homelessness, already sold nice car and paid debts with proceeds, of necessity has stopped talking so much to family to stop them worrying, as her whole life is centred on this one thing that can't be hidden if drawn into conversation - SWIM is a terrible lier. Keep buying 'just one more' half eight to share with housemate. SWIM cannot work out with foggy mind what is happening, what needs to be done to stop it. Or won't act on the insights presenting in lucid minutes. SWIM doesn't like the feeling anymore, is an emotional wreck, secluded, lost, loathing herself and how it feels to be a person never imagined in wildest nightmares could become. SWIM has promised herself too many times it must end. Only to break promise after 12 hours, 24 at most.
Sorry I'm a bit tired

I'm so sorry that you're going through this, hun. Please do know that you're not alone and many other people have been in similar situations and have been able to get through it, myself included. Though this might be overwhelming right now, I do urge you to focus on quitting meth first and foremost. A lot of the other stuff is directly related to your addiction and will sort itself out when you quit. You have mentioned that you switched from an opiate addiction to a meth addiction so I think it might be a good idea for you to reach out and possibly attend Narcotics Anonymous meetings or something similar. Having a support network and someone to call when you're having cravings will help you a great deal.

Personally, I had to move away to a new town and cut ties with old friends in order to finally stop using. I do urge you to reach out to your trusted friends, family, doctors, or whoever you can right now to get the help that you want and deserve. Meth addiction is serious stuff and can really change a person. You sound like a sweet girl and I hope you get some help with this.

I'm glad you found Bluelight and welcome you here. I'm going to move your thread over to The Dark Side where there are a lot of compassionate and wise people that will be able to help and give you the support that you need right now. Also, we don't use SWIM here as it offers no protection from law enforcement. Please check back in this thread and let us know how you are. I wish you nothing but the best.

Thank you Spork. I appreciate your kindness.
I had a birthday today. Tomorrow I have asked housemate to cut my "allowance" down to second daily. I need to get my mind back, even if it's got to face some pain when it wakes up.
I got a job, some would say a step down from what I was doing, but I'm excited to have opportunity. Room Attendent. I just need to work hard, and do something that doesn't involve doing nothing but somehow being so busy all day.
If I cannot cut down while living here, will need to move out, change is scary for anyone, escpecially I find it difficult, being around new people and places.
Lots of changes coming up.
I thought I'd update, because you were kind enough to encourage me and asked for me to update. As we all do at some stage i guess, just take one day/hour/minute at a time. Cry if you need to. Run fast and far (exercise) if you are crying too much feeling depression coming along, and sleep if all of this fails and you've nothing else left in you.
Don't know if there is another forum, or thread, to ask about this, but i wonder if there is any real and effective help for genuine self-hatred. It's something I would not wish on any other human, yet i feel i deserve utterly. I don't make sense logically, but it's how I feel. Am getting concelling. Not intensive, too shy/uncomfortable to benefit from that. I can't talk about feelings too deeply without crying/sobbing, and that is not something i enjoy.
Doesn't matter if nobody can comment on before-written paragraph - their experiences or anything - just wanted to essentially say thanks to Spork and say that I'm still using, yet as always intending to use less. Hoping that this time it's for real. Every second day use, then go from there. Hardish for me, cause have no friends other than this person who uses with me. Guess I protect myself from rejection by beating people to it. I'm brave enough to socialise, but never to form friendships. Life pretty empty, just something to get through, try to be OK so that people who've been good to you, who you love, don't have to worry.
Good news, too. I've found my replacement thrill instead of the using. Shopping, for a particular electronic item (or most any of them for that matter) that I love enough that it distracts me from a craving. Even if I can't afford them. I dream that I will one day. Music too. Try and get healthy like so many examples here.