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View Full Version : Thinking of going to meetings ...still struggling.



sickofthisshiz
10-01-2013, 18:16
Well something still isn't working for me...although l am getting more and more clean time under my belt l am still struggling. I just relapsed in a big way. Totally detoxing right now...my arms are all messed up. I am just so tired and sick of dealing with this...l considered going on maintenance if l kept relapsing but right when l started to feel like l had everything under control ....here l am. I think l want to try going to meetings but l am so scared to take that first step. What have other peoples experiences been with meetings vs. just trying to do it alone? I used to be and feel so strong ...this addiction has turned me into a weak apathetic coward. I just want myself and my life back...l have been trying to get clean for a year. Time to acknowledge l need more help l guess....

crOOk
10-01-2013, 18:51
I've never been to one myself (played with the thought, got the address, saved appointments to my cell phone etc), but I've only heard good things about it. Generally the consensus seems to be that it's really helping even if people do not agree to every single rule in the book.
Are you worried about losing some sense of self worth if you reach out to NA? Cause I'm pretty fucking sure noone there will think you're weak for joining them. :D Hearing you speak (or reading you write) it sounds like you've been to hell and back. I don't think you ought to make getting clean an issue of pride, not when your life is at stake. Ofc you are feeling weak, I think most of us do and most of us have been ashame for their drug use at at least one point in time. If what you've tried so far isn't working, it's time for something else. If I didn't have such excellent medical care down here, I'd probably be in NA as well.

Have you only joined bluelight to seek help btw? Your nickname suggests that. Also, can you put your finger on what exactly it is that you're scared of? I've always had an easy time reaching out for help and have some exhibitionistic traits anyway, so it might not be as obvious to me as it is to you.

All the best, hope you can bring yourself to go. Nothing to be lost imho. <3

hthr007
10-01-2013, 18:55
Doing it alone can mak you re just that - alone. You do need some sort of support system, whether it's understanding friends, family, etc.

Meetings are great for some people but just be cautious. Sometimes dealers will go there to prey on people while they're weak.

Matienance therapy can help you - it's worker wonders for many people. You are stronger than your addiction <3

crOOk
10-01-2013, 19:13
Meetings are great for some people but just be cautious. Sometimes dealers will go there to prey on people while they're weak. <3OMG really, I thought the writers of Breaking Bad came up with that. Wtf have you actually experienced that yourself?!

Get2Think
10-01-2013, 19:40
Sobriety didn't work for me until 3 crucial things happened.

1) The pain of continuing to use/drink became some great that to do so would be voluntary suicide(not literally).

2) I found a REAL REASON to stay sober, something that motivated me (finishing college, working as a probation officer) so much that I knew would never come true if I ever drank/used again.

3) I surrendered to the Lord Jesus Christ and admitted that I could not manage my own life and I needed him to remove the desire to use from me. He allows me to stay sober 1 day at a time and as a result I donate money to the church, I help people in AA, and I put God first, others 2nd, myself 3rd.

Without a grander purpose and hope I never had a chance at staying clean until I was given a purpose for my life by God. And say what you will about it, it's keeping me sober and I'm going on 4 months.

crOOk
10-01-2013, 19:52
Sobriety didn't work for me until 3 crucial things happened.

1) The pain of continuing to use/drink became some great that to do so would be voluntary suicide(not literally).

2) I found a REAL REASON to stay sober, something that motivated me (finishing college, working as a probation officer) so much that I knew would never come true if I ever drank/used again.

3) I surrendered to the Lord Jesus Christ and admitted that I could not manage my own life and I needed him to remove the desire to use from me. He allows me to stay sober 1 day at a time and as a result I donate money to the church, I help people in AA, and I put God first, others 2nd, myself 3rd.

Without a grander purpose and hope I never had a chance at staying clean until I was given a purpose for my life by God. And say what you will about it, it's keeping me sober and I'm going on 4 months.People can say what they want about christianity or any other major religion for that matter, but I for my part would much rather be surrounded by more people like yourself than a bunch of sharp-minded scientists blinded by their own eyes. :) Welcome to bluelight, even if you've been here for nearly 5 months...
Nonetheless I don't think your search for god will be of any acute help to the op in this case. Like you implicitely said yourself, it's hard to force seeing the light when you're stuck in a big ol' pile of shit. Some people here have actually actively trying to pursue a spiritual path and have just ended up stuck in the same place over and over. I'm not denying you are on the right path or anything, it's just really hard for someone else to find comfort in someone else's beliefs. In a worst-case scenario it can make some people feel all the more alone and excluded from such privileges. Just speaking from personal experience really, so please take no offense.

sickofthisshiz
10-01-2013, 20:50
Thanks for the responses...l think unfortunately we all have to find our own reasons and ways to stay sober. I guess l shouldn't say l am doing this alone...just doing it without treatment. I have graduated from college...have goals, aspirations and people who love me that should motivate me enough to want to stay sober. I used to have a great fucking life...and l can remember it so clearly. I just feel like l have fallen so far and so hard l don't even know how to begin again. I hate my life right now...and l am not a depressive life hating person. Even though l know full well these drugs took all this away...l still have the desire to use...that's what's hard to understand...how can l love something that is destroying me?

sickofthisshiz
10-01-2013, 20:54
A lot of people are forced by the court system to go to NA meetings...lots of active users there. It is one of the things that has discouraged me from attending.

OverDone
11-01-2013, 00:34
I've met dealers at meetings. They aren't there to sling. It'd actually be interesting to run into one because that's the WORST place to sling. Drugs should sell themselves and there are better locations to sell that shit

I know plenty of newcomers that would justify violence if an active dealer made themselves accessible at a meeting that is meant to be a safe environment for those struggling (I was one of them)

Don't worrry about dealers. Go to a meeting and tell folks your new.

hthr007
11-01-2013, 07:00
^ I guess it's only my area where the meetings are sketchy & dealers go there to sling rather than get clean. *Sigh*.

Anyway OP - if you want to go to a meeting, go for it & see if it's right for you. <3

SkagKush
11-01-2013, 11:08
going to na / aa and doing a set of steps is the only thing that has kept me sober.

a decade of use and now im sober... seven and a half months

sickofthisshiz
11-01-2013, 16:24
Wow good job SK! I think l will try to get someone to go with me...actually some of the people l used to use with go to meetings but it doesn't matter we are not on bad terms l just know they are not clean just forced to go. And l live in Auburn...which is a smallish town. I like anonymity l guess that's one of the things l like about BL...:)

mrflowers00
11-01-2013, 16:36
NA/AA meetings are helpful if your willing to go to any lengths to get sober

lordnate93
11-01-2013, 18:29
ok the guy who listed 3 things is right, but the fact that he said jesus christ.. that may work for him but most dopefiends the fact of surrendering to a religion is just not happening. obviously theres gunna be people struggling who are getting high and going to meetings. unless you can find a meeting a block from the projects then your not going to be running into a dope dealer afterwards. no matter what meeting you go too there will be winners and people who just want to be a winner but cant stop usuing(lack of surrender, etc.) meetings are helpful if your willing to go to any lengths to get sober. ^^ . true. but if your not willing to go to anylengths to stay sober regardless if u find a meeting or not u arent staying clean. my advice is go to a meeting, look for the people who are laughing and joking before it starts, and come time get serious once it starts.. sit with those people, they usually will have somthing that u would want and are what i call winners. if u do finally drag your proud ass out of the house to a meeting id recomend sharing that im new to this and cant stay sober on my own. and once its over wait to see how many people talk to you. somebody will, dont just dip out once its over that has done nothing for your sobriety. you HAVE to be honest open minded and willing, and you HAVE to stop trying to run the fucking show, if your an addict or alcoholic, you arent running the show drugs are.

Get2Think
11-01-2013, 20:08
ok the guy who listed 3 things is right, but the fact that he said jesus christ.. that may work for him but most dopefiends the fact of surrendering to a religion is just not happening. obviously theres gunna be people struggling who are getting high and going to meetings. unless you can find a meeting a block from the projects then your not going to be running into a dope dealer afterwards. no matter what meeting you go too there will be winners and people who just want to be a winner but cant stop usuing(lack of surrender, etc.) meetings are helpful if your willing to go to any lengths to get sober. ^^ . true. but if your not willing to go to anylengths to stay sober regardless if u find a meeting or not u arent staying clean. my advice is go to a meeting, look for the people who are laughing and joking before it starts, and come time get serious once it starts.. sit with those people, they usually will have somthing that u would want and are what i call winners. if u do finally drag your proud ass out of the house to a meeting id recomend sharing that im new to this and cant stay sober on my own. and once its over wait to see how many people talk to you. somebody will, dont just dip out once its over that has done nothing for your sobriety. you HAVE to be honest open minded and willing, and you HAVE to stop trying to run the fucking show, if your an addict or alcoholic, you arent running the show drugs are.

This is stellar advice and I really hope that you read this and meditate/think on it. I understand a hesitation or refusal to seek a relationship with Jesus, and really TC it's the 'end result' that matters. Jesus worked for me and I was a dope fiend too, so if your out of options and open to asking God for help, you will experience what is called in AA as a 'spiritual awakening'. This is the primary purpose of AA and if you go to enough meetings and talk to enough people there I would guess that most have found sobriety as a result of surrendering to their higher power.

Now the good news if your an athiest or agnostic is that a higher power doesn't have to be God or Jesus. It just has to be something bigger than yourself. For example, "the group of AA" or "mother nature" or "the great spirit in the sky".

For me, practically all the worlds had to allign for me to be able to have lasting sobriety. I am a hardcore addict/alcoholic, I would lie to your face telling you I hadnt drank with alcohol reaking on my breath. I was out of control. Like lordnate said, the drugs had me controlled but were able to give me the illusion that I was in control. Once I sobered up and looked back it was plain to see that I was a slave. I may have started out using the drugs/alcohol but in the end they were using me. Now what I mean when I say 'all the planets had alligned' is this:

Basically I had to have so many POWERFUL reasons not to drink/use that to do so it light of all that would be voluntary suicide. I would give up graduating from college, I would give up my future career as a probation officer, I would loose my relationship with Jesus, I would loose money and my place to live because I would be homeless or sent to the salvation army, I would disapoint my family, friends, AA family, and most importantly myself. I would compromise my future and miss out on the love of my life and future spouse, my kids, my house, my dogs, my life. I would trade all of that in for "1 more time", which we all know, is never just 1 more time. I would also loose my health and my abisility to exercise regularly, eat well, and take vitamins consistently. I would loose my peace of mind and purpose in life, and most of all my HOPE. I would loose my confidence and sense of pride from FINALLY conquering these drugs/alcohol, after hundreds of failed attempts.

What I'm trying to say is, for this addict, it took so so so so so much support, consequences, and conditions to be set in place/motion to keep me sober. For the first 60 days I grieved for my drugs/drink. I felt like I was a victim and all this was in vain. Then between 60-90 days sober something happened. I felt a new sense of joy, peace, and purpose in life. I felt that I could reach other addicts like myself both in my career as a probation officer, and in AA. I became so motivated to realize these dreams that I went back to college, see a psychiatrist, and do everything I can 1 day at a time to escape the trap of drugs and alcohol. The bottom line is this, life is TRULY BETTER in sobriety and it keeps getting better. Being able to manage and organize your life, develop real relationships with people, have money and new stuff, feelinging healthy and having energy, all these things are just SO MUCH BETTER than being a addict in active addiction.

I use to wonder why I was always tired, depressed, lonely, and suicidal. It was because I was being held captive by drugs and alcohol. As Luke 4:18 says, "The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed." Surely I was oppressed just like you are TC, and I wasn't able to free myself. I will be praying for you. There is hope.

sickofthisshiz
11-01-2013, 23:13
Thank you...

Sepher
13-01-2013, 23:30
Sickofthis, I can't get past certain things NA / AA asks you to believe, like your own powerlessness against an addiction only something external to yourself can cure for instance and didn't get much out the meetings either, war stories are all well and good but just war stories, but it works for some, no question. What they did absolutely offer was good talks before and after the more structured meeting with others in the same boat very much prepared to offer their support beyond the confines of the meeting out here in the real world. I met some really cool, sincere people offered the hand of friendship and their mobile numbers. They are potentially a great support network if nothing else. Depending what your take is on the NA / AA ethos and where you are exactly you may find other alternative groups like SMART Recovery for example near you with a different ethos entirely, same support network on offer. Quite often they'll have links to other groups who could help you have more of a social life that doesn't revolve around drug use or booze. Your local addiction unit would no question help there too with the information for them.

sickofthisshiz
14-01-2013, 01:54
Thanks for everybody's responses and input l really appreciate the support and advice. Today is my fifth day with nothing...so l am feeling pretty much back to normal. This was just a huge relapse for me...and l know how many times l have told myself it would be the last time l would be going through withdrawal. Arrgh...l know a lot of you have been there...l am still unsure of going to a meeting unfortunately. I don't have the desire to never use any other drug...l don't have a problem doing a little coke or having a few drinks. I have a problem with heroin. I am not sure if that's legit with NA...and l don't want to be a trigger for anyone with those issues even if it was okay. And l have read so many stories on here about people making drug buddies at NA. Which is the last thing l need. The only reason l have been doing as well as l have is because l cut everyone off...gonna just keep trying. Thanks again everybody. Sor

Sepher
14-01-2013, 03:10
If your Heroin use is the only one that's become problematic enough to be impacting on your life and in need of addressing that's the one you should worry about. It may not be sober by NA / AA definitions but I have been opiate free getting on for twelve years and barring a handful of minor slips sober for six months and they're the only two I need worry about, my use mainly of psychedelics I'd say has even been therapeutic and benefical so sod what other people have to say, for my purposes I'm sober and can say so honestly with conviction.

Lolie
14-01-2013, 04:03
Both the 12 step programmes and SMART Recovery (you set your own goal with SMART, which may or may not be total abstinence) have online meetings if you're not ready to deal with support groups in person at the moment. The right kind of support for you is out there somewhere - you just haven't found it yet. Keep looking and eventually you will.