PDA

View Full Version : Lost In the Clouds



stilesface
07-01-2013, 05:39
It's a long story, but I think all addicts have a long story. It's the dark chapters of our stories that lead us to use in the first place. I was single mom in my late 20's, diagnosed and unmedicated bi-polar, great career, life together, filled with sadness. I met a carbon copy of me in male form, Ceasar. Skyrocketed career, single dad, medicated bi-polar. He was a closet meth user. I had never touched drugs beyond pot. I never knew the warning signs of meth and he was too far in to stop from introducing me. When we met we fell hard. In my life I never have known acceptance, understanding and love like I experienced with him.

A few months in, in a moment of my life long battle with impulsivity, I quit my high end management job after an argument with my boss. I had my savings and retirement and Ceasar's support, all would be well. I gave a one month notice and planned to take time off to center my career focus and spend time with my son. Cessar had been chasing his white dragon, I assume and was shortly there after dismissed from his high level job in business analytics. We decided he should move in with me and we would band together. Us against the world. In 3 weeks we went from a combined $200k per year to my savings and 401k and his unemployment, but we were happy and in love.

Getting to the point. He revealed his meth use to me. I only told him to keep it away from me, I have always had an addictive streak and had always steered clear of drugs because I have needed an escape and knew if I found one I'd die pursuing it. Money runs low and he starts hustling. We go hungry from time to time but rent's paid, I'm sober, he is maintaining and we're still in love and happy. Several months into his hustle, it's my birthday and I ask to try meth. I've seen him maintain and as kindred spirits I would be ok. Stupid girl. I tried it on my 30th birthday in a hotel room. Ceasar taught me to roll glass and I lost myself.

In short time his use escalated. He went from coming home at midnight to 2, 4, dawn and then every couple of days. I started stealing from his stash and parachuting it. We fought viciously but indifferently. My beautiful son, who thought of Ceassr as a male role model sat in the wings until I took him to my ex husband's house for several weeks. Ceasar was arrested twice in short time for felonies. I bailed him out both times and we went on a 5 day bend that left me hiding in a public stairwell alone not knowing where I was and wandering for hours until Ceasar found me huddled in a church parking lot.

Shortly thereafter, he meets a 20 year-old postitute and moves out after we have huge battles. Meth takes me to psychosis consistently and he cuts me off. He changes his number, sends his ex wife for his things and disappeared. I pulled my shit together for a couple of months. After almost a year unemployed I land a fantastic job in my field that pays very well. My son and I heal. I cried over Ceasar regularly, but I was clean until an old contact of his got in touch with me. I never acquired much, but whatever I bought I smoked until it was gone. I'm addicted to the ritual. And then he e-mailed me.

We hadn't spoken in months. I craved him and his acceptance of me because his lack of judgement justified my continuing use. He was homeless. Broken. Hurting. I got him a place to live filled it with food. Enabled and enabled and enabled. And he gave me unlimited supply for it. That was 2 months ago. He is now an iv user and I'm a daily smoker. I keep giving him money and food and I realized I'm killing us both. And I realized that the conversation I will have to have with his son when he gets of age if Ceasar dies, would kill me. I'm an addict. I was a co- dependent, I have enabled him, I have procured a supply from him that would last me a month but I asked him not to give it to me. I have not used in almost two days. All I want is to blind myself to the situation and all I want is to be clean. I hate him, I love him, I understand him. I am addicted to him. I am addicted to meth. I've done neither in two days. I'm broken, I'm strong, he's dying. We weren't supposed to hurt as badly as we always had once we had one another. But now I chase clouds, he slams and loses days of life to a different personality and we lose our lives and I cradle my son and ask to the universe to save me. Fairly certain it's too late to save my Ceasar. The man with the soft soul that he sokd.

Sorry a novel. I ramble and except for my brother in a different continent no one knows. I alienated everyone, have no parents. I have so much to say and no one to listen. I have lifelong abandonment issues, mental illness, feelings of being unworthy and patterns of abuse. Aside from my father's bi-polar and alcoholism, the rest of my family survives well but has left the US. My son and I live alone. I know myself and know if I go much longer I won't stop, my son will be raised in foster care and my legacy will be destruction. Before he introduced me to meth Ceasar introduced me to being loved and cared for. I'd forgotten what that felt like since my mom's death a decade ago. I paid his rent through February, his place is right next to my work. I won't pah anymore. I stopped buying food. I want to be free of him and meth and I don't know how. I'm addicted to both and my son curls up next to me with his big deep eyes and I know he deserves more than I received and more than he's getting. "Love is so short, forgetting so long."

herbavore
07-01-2013, 07:40
You have got to cut all contact with Ceasar and hopefully get yourself into rehab. Your son does deserve more and so do you. (So does Ceasar for that matter but he is an adult, and not a parent, and so that is not your problem). It sounds to me like you are romanticizing the past because the present is so terrifying. I know that it must seem next to impossible to do this without support from someone in your life that you can be intimate with but you will actually be better off getting yourself and your life straightened out without the complications of a relationship.

Is your son's father at all involved with him? Could he take your son while you go to rehab? You are going to need support to quit and to stay away from old habits. Rehab could get you started in the right direction.

Whatever you do, try not to beat yourself up for past decisions. Learn yourself and go forward. Your son needs you to be whole and healthy. Parenting is such a stressful endeavor but the love of your child is like no other. Whatever it takes to rid your life of this drug is what you need to focus on. PM me anytime if you need to talk. <3

stilesface
08-01-2013, 06:15
Thank you for your response. I don't use at home but at work or Ceasar's. I got to work and the triggers fired and I used. And I realized this one's gonna require help. My ex husband lives in another state and has separated himself from our son. I have two people I'm in the process of reaching out to. I have been saving a lot of money and know now that the memories here are too strong. Ceasar lives next to my work. We lived here in my house together until he left. His life isn't mine to save but my son's. It's not the detox. Sadness I can handle its craving the rituals of smoking. I need help and I can't give up on me and my son. I want to be one of the one's who doesn't lose everything before cleaning up. Any thoughts if I can't get into a rehab or relocate I still need to do this? I can't make rehab or relocating the only paths to redemption. Thank you again.

sickofthisshiz
09-01-2013, 20:03
Stay away from that man! You have a job, a place to live and a son...so much to live for. The cravings will lesson over time. Hang in there and come back to TDS for support when you feel like you need it. I quit using without treatment, it wasn't really an option for me either. Because my family is sort of far away l was able to keep my addiction a secret ...l mean l am sure they knew something was up, just not the extent of it.

stilesface
06-03-2013, 01:49
I was looking up something else and came back to this thread. I'll have 30 days clean on Sunday. I ended up negotiating a severance package from work and used my savings to relocate to a small town far away. My drinking has been bad though and decided that's going too. I need coping skills. I'm 30 and too old for this. Ceasar, well f him. Not sure if he's dead, alive or in jail...but it was time to save me.

Black Rabbit of Inle
06-03-2013, 02:14
That's wonderful to hear :) 30 days clean is an accomplishment and a huge step forwards.

How are you going being in a new town? I know relocating can be hard for some people, especially when quitting.

stilesface
06-03-2013, 03:08
30 days clean off meth, man...almost there and it feels good. Tapering the benzos off 3mg kpin to 32mg temazepam. Drinking enough bourbon to knock out a horse. That stops today though. In my adult life I've never been totally sober...soon I will be.

The move was traumatic. I just disappeared without saying goodbyes, changed numbers, disabled my email. Drove a uhaul off in the dark and watched years of my life turn to specks in the mirror. I made the best decision to move to my itty bitty one horse town, home town. It's in mountains
with a lake and snow storms that demand a lifestyle that's much harder physically than the city. But there are 3 people here I've known longer than 2 decades a piece who know everything and love me still. I have no famly here and it's my son and I in this quiet house. Come down and withdrawal in new house in the woods during snow storms resulted in epic paranoia though.

Basically I think I can finally find some peace. I'm starting AA meetings tomorrow and it'll be nice to meet the real me for the first time really. In the meantime I run around the lake, cater to my son, there's one restaurant and I run in there and two of my hs teachers are grabbing a beer together, my best friend is down the road and while I don't feel it too much sometimes genuine happiness appears for a few moments.

"However mean your life is, meet it and live it." -Thoreau

Eric B
06-03-2013, 03:23
stilesface congratulations on 30 days clean, I'm very proud of you. I've not had any experience with meth luckily but have seen mates of mine throw everything away for that shit. I'm currently watching one of my best mates cut of all his contacts with friends/family that really care for him so he can keep hanging around with his meth head mates. It's some of the saddest shit I've seen but I'm beginning to lost my patience with him and refuse to be a doormat he can just step on when he needs money, rides, etc. That drug truly is horrendous and I really hope you stay strong and keep off it for yourself and your son. There is also a meth/amphetamine addiction thread in The Dark Side which is very supportive and probably has people who you can relate to. Good luck and stay strong!

herbavore
06-03-2013, 08:11
Wow, stilesface, that is such an epic move for you to have made! Congratulations! Those three people that love you for your whole entire self? That is 3 more than many people ever get so treasure them. I am really happy for you. Someday your little boy won't be little and it will be time for him to know your story. He is going to learn how heroic his mom was.<3

stilesface
06-03-2013, 19:35
Thank you both. I hope to get to the point where I can start helping people. I am lucky beyond comprehension. I came back to the only place I've ever felt safe. I have a best friend who has two little boys my son's age who I have known since we were their age. My neighbor growing up who comes to the town on weekends and cooks dinner and is a recovering h addict and then a guy who my mom used to give rides to school after his dad died and he was there after my mom died a decade ago and we both have kind of struggled through life together, he stayed here while I moved all over the country and we'd meet up every few years to talk shit and have a beer. He comes by a few times a week now and we spill our secret horrors out. Though today after my meeting, we'll go for a hike.

I found manual labor in my garden or shoveling snow or chopping wood helped immensely, as does beating the crap out of a heavy bag I hung up in my spare room. My mind is still scattered and I woke up today dreaming of the taste of a hit.

Eric, it's f'ing devestating to watch someone go through, but I was there and your buddy will either make the choice or he won't. I know it wasn't watching a hooker cry right before she slammed asking me to adopt her kid out of foster care or watching a man I loved with ever ounce of me be diagnosed with congestive heart failure or having the same man steal from me or my son crying or or or...a million reasons to stop...money, arrest, feeling worthless or a slave to it...none of that made me stop. The guilt made me use and makes me drink. The only thing that makes me not run as fast as humanly possible to my old city and get high is some faint survival instinct and anger and the distinct desire to not have already had the most happiness I'll know in life. I want to know more joy and bliss and good books read on a porch and how it feels to jump into the lake on a summer night. I want more life and fuck it all because I'm going to have it and I will never again allow myself to be helpless. And my son will have a good life.

Just need to keep going. Because there are a zillion times I just want to give in...just one more time.

Sepher
06-03-2013, 23:08
Wow indeed! That's some real turnaround real fast. Good for you! You've given me goose bumps reading that, no word of a lie. Grinning from ear to ear, laughed out loud at you beating the crap out of things. I have this mental image of you going apeshit with an axe on some poor unsuspecting tree but hey, I'm a pragmatist: whatever works. =D Quite jealous actually, the scene you've set sounds utterly idyllic to me. Don't wanna swap places do you? I've got a little back-to-back house in a shitty inner city in the North of England to offer if you fancy it? :\

You've done a hard and brave thing there, it takes guts. Keep applying the resilience and resolve you've already shown you got this. What you said about not wanting your best days to already be in the past: there is more happiness to come in your future if you hold to this path you've set yourself upon, I'm sure. Best of luck, really. <3

stilesface
07-03-2013, 04:22
I wait for the other shoe to drop sometimes because the situation is so ideal, but I decided that's lame and counter productive. Plus I then just take my axe out to the forest and accomplish nothing more than hacking at things. I hope it's not some hunting season or another...getting shot would be the other shoe dropping.

So, I'm on the US West Coast and have no clue what a back to back is, but shitty inner city I know. The problem I have (decidedly revealing myself as a pompous American) is that as soon as you say Northern England I can't fathom anything more than a trip to Europe years ago and English gardens and cobblestoned streets with easier access than I to the Cote d'azur.

I guess it's either the vitamin regimen, exercise (atheist here so that's all I have) but going through hell was worth it. I'm not even close to out of it, always one bad thing from slipping, but if I hadn't taken this road I wouldn't be nearly as gracious for my life. A night, sober, watching Amish Mafia, eating grapes under an immense blanket, entirely alone and it's fucking awesome. So while in your back to back just look up Amish Mafia, find a warm blanket, something delicious to eat and just be. Or do what I did...date a woof in sheep's clothing, start using meth, cycle into abject poverty and misery, lose everything, gain it back, almost lose it again, gamble on a severance package, roll the dice and boom you too could be hacking small bits of wood from larger bits with a ferocity reserved for the Hulk and lumberjacks worldwide. Sincerely though, thank you all for your encouragement. It was the night I posted here that I started to formulate my escape plan.

Eric B
07-03-2013, 04:36
What up what up fellow atheist. Really glad to hear your going well stilesface. By the way the way, I love the way you write. You seem to have an awesome sense of humour. Good luck with everything, hope your son is well!

stilesface
07-03-2013, 05:15
Thanks Eric! How are you? My son is doing pretty well. Little boys and the outdoors do well together. He starts t-ball, attends a kids group, I made an appointment for him to meet with a specialist regarding some residual behavioral issues that I don't know whether to attribute to being on a back burner or is chemical. I don't intend to medicate at all but am fully aware that once he begins formal schooling in fall I don't want him immediately tracked. It'sa very hard balance between focusing on me at all and trying to repair the damage I've done and reinforce to my boy how deeply he is loved. Then back to the beating of inanimate objects.

I love writing and I had forgotten I am hilarious and modest, obviously. I had forgotten I used to dance in the kitchen while cooking (stems from the whole not eating thing), forgotten joie de vie, how awesome it is to bake homemade bread.

New to the table...super crappy eyesight, nightmares, tremors and aversion to the smell of oven cleaners.

stilesface
07-03-2013, 05:21
Oh and I got you on the atheism....kinda makes it eas ier to realize that this is it...

Eric B
14-03-2013, 02:53
Hi stilesface sorry for this late reply, I've been AWOL this past week. I'm well just dealing with some shit at home. The weather here appears to be bipolar - great one day and shit the next. Have to make the most of the sunny days & get to the beach to work on my tan. I'm working out again after a month and a half break. Have gotten a bit skinny so am trying to eat as much as a I can. Only problem is cigarettes really kill the appetite and I enjoy smoking them lol.

Very modest indeed ha ha! I'm trying to get back into writing myself and have promised a good friend of mine I'll email some short stories to her. I should really get on to that, have a few good ideas. Baking your own bread sounds awesome but baking requires to much precision and conciseness for an idiot like myself. I enjoy cooking though. My method is to smoke a spliff, go shopping and pick up random ingredients you come by (never use a strict recipe!), smoke another spliff and begin cooking like you're on a cooking and seem to know what you're doing.

I'm glad you and your boy are well. Take care and have fun!


Edit: Totally agree about the atheism. I'm not asking nothing from nobody. If I fuck this up it's all on me.

stilesface
19-03-2013, 05:12
Hey Eric,

Been in hiding myself. Are you doing ok? Whenever I go AWOL (ghost) it usually isn't because I won the lottery and am out celebrating. How's your buddy doing? Life in the states, well, it.goes.the.fuck.on.and.on.and.on. You want to trade me a fall/winter and you can have my spring/summer?

Had to take a trip to LA to see my sister who was visiting from the Middle East, she's been an ex pat there for 20 years. I hadnt lived in LA, but that's where my ex was from and it was crazy to be assaulted by all the triggers. I didn't use, but I drank. Totally off the benzos now though. Struggling like a mad woman with cravings. I had a legit scare with a bear while hiking last week and I got fucking scared. Seriously, I'm short (like cute short, not gnome short), but even with a hatchet I have the wingspan of a t-rex and a bear would rock my world. So I lost my outlet of hikinh in the woods until I recover from new deathly fear of bears.

Feeling quite lost and vulnerable, which I understand is human but leads to mistakes and 38 days off meth is too much to fuck up.

Brobi-Wan Kenobi
19-03-2013, 19:07
Glad to hear that you've been clean for over 30 days. That's a step in the right direction for sure. I am not diagnosed with bipolar, but I think I trend in that direction sometimes. Especially when I drink, I'll get depressive and break down and start crying over how badly I ruined my own life (I am male btw, so this causes awkward social problems when it happens) but that's only when I get really drunk. I never got full-blown addicted to meth. I tried it a few times, only snorting and smoking. I would have loved to inject it, but prior to ever being able to obtain meth I nearly had a fatal OD while injecting cocaine which led me to have a hard-line stance against needles. That episode should have drove me to quit getting high on anything because I truly believed I was looking death in the face during that OD. I don't really recall the exact amount but I tried to bang almost an entire gram of blow in one shot (probably closer to 0.8g but it was A LOT for one dose). I had a big argument with a friend earlier in the day over what seems like some real stupid shit in retrospect, but I was pissed and decided to take it out on myself apparently. I was not trying to kill myself at all. Worst of all I was doing that stuff with my best friend and he was the one who stuck me, Lord only knows what that would have done to him if I died. So anyway, that's how I started living a life of no needles and all I have to say is it's really great to not have to wear long sleeved shirts in the summertime anymore. But yeah, I'm pretty sure if I injected meth before the coke episode it would have been meth that almost killed me. I did enjoy the high from it, but only did meth about four times. The fourth and final time I bought a gram by myself (previous three times was given a line or a hit to smoke from someone I was hanging with). I snorted a big line to start out with and didn't really even want to snort another one until nine hours later. Must have been some good stuff, I didn't get deep enough into meth to know the difference between good and bad. Went for a really long walk once the sun came up and didn't eat anything for a day and a half. Didn't sleep for four straight days. Pretty rough, took like a week to get back into the swing of things. I've always been real spontaneous and impulsive too but I had to make a judgment call on that one. So no more meth for me.

What I did fall off the mountain on was Ecstasy (specifically Molly). At the height of my addiction to that stuff, I was probably eating like a 0.75-1.00g at a time. The highs were UN-BE-LIE-VA-BLE but after a couple years of doing Molly in high doses almost every weekend, I was starting to feel like something was "off" in my head. I couldn't sit still and think about anything and feel normal. I really can't explain what was going on in my head any better than that. Something just was not right. I got a lot of useful information on quitting and recovering from Bluelight and just started applying it to my life when I could. First thing I started doing was taking multivitamins. I know the bottle says one a day, but I was taking three a day because I figured after years of drug abuse and an extremely abnormal lack of self-care, my body probably needed it. But you could also chalk up superdosing my vitamins to residual addict behavior, I don't know. Took me like two months to start noticing a difference, but I cherish my vitamins now. I hardly ever get sick as it is, but I went through this winter season with no illness aside from a brief cold for a day or two. Usually I'm a lock to catch the flu during flu season but that's the only time I'll get sick.

What I've found to be the most helpful (but also the most difficult) is cutting off contact with people who tend to encourage you to use or place you in situations where you'll be more likely to use. It seems like you've taken a real big step toward that by relocating, now just be sure not to associate with those types. It's difficult for me because I'm not much of a cynic and believe most people are good until they give you a reason to believe otherwise. I didn't want to stop associating with my drug friends at all...most of them are decent people and had been part of my routine for so long, that whole scene was my life. When I removed it all, it caused even more mental problems for me because I felt like I had nothing to do for leisure anymore. In fact I had just replaced typical hobbies with drugs and really did have to find the joy in life again. I'm sure it was much tougher for you to be stuck in addiction with someone you loved so much, but I'm really glad I didn't bring anyone else down with me.

I'll be clean from Molly for six months in a few days. Only substances I'm taking right now are hydrocodone 5mg for a work-related injury and still smoking weed. I'll have to quit the weed soon when I join the military. That's another consequence of massive drug addiction. Do I really want to be a solider? No, but when you go to college at 18 years old with a scholarship and don't have a degree to show for it, that's about the only thing left. Plus the education benefits are insane, if I ever have a child I'll be able to give him or her my GI Bill because I won't have to touch it to graduate. I'll just be like...32 when I graduate instead of 22. I'm really looking forward to being able to say I only smoked cigarettes and did drugs in my 20s. Recovering is a long road, and it's definitely proportionate to how badly you screwed up, but anyone has the ability to build themselves back up. You just have to desire it. Wanting it isn't enough. Hope you are able to stay clean and stay away from any using triggers. Sorry you had to lose someone special during your experience. It's sad, but sometimes it's too late to save someone from themselves. Keep your head up, 38 days is a great start and your toughest days are behind you.

mrflowers00
19-03-2013, 23:59
my mom chose meth over me and i hate her for it we still talk and every few years i visit her but i don't want to anymore i despise her it's like getting high was more important than me thats why i don't have any kids cause i don't want to chose oxy over them

stilesface
20-03-2013, 04:35
Mr. Flowers: I never would have had children if I was an active addict. Meth snuck up on me late. I had never used any drugs until meth and until I was 30. I know my son would not survive well if I were using meth throughout his childhood. I am so sorry to hear about your mom. I am, for all intents and purposes, an orphan....so I don't know what it's like to be an adult and carry that kind of angst towards a parent. My mom died a long time ago and she had been a phenomenal mother and I think I carry that loss around with me like a battle scar.

Brobi-Wan: Congrats on the six months....that's some awesome life choices. Meth was/is killer. I never really had anyone else I used with aside from my ex and some of his crew. So it was super easy to cut them off once I finally got angry enough at him to never want to speak to him again. There are times I wish I could run into him so I could throat punch him, but I'm finally just accepting that his own personal hell is it's own punishment. I grieve him as if he were dead, which he may be. I used for a year, so I am lucky in that regard. At the end I was smoking a ball every 5 days. Enough that I miss it intensely, but I dodged a bullet by never learning to slam it.

It does exist in my new town, but I owe so much to my friends who have loved me so deeply through this that I cannot fathom disappointing them. And I cannot imagine breaking all of the new joy and happiness my son is experiencing. He deserves every last little bliss. So, I ignore the obvious tweaking going on two streets down and take life's other bruises as they come. There's a lot of crying involved (socially awkward as a chick as well). Congrats on the decision to join the military, that's a big leap. It sounds like you're getting it all together though...always good stuff.