View Full Version : End of an era - aka Im so done with this shit

18-03-2012, 21:41
Hello all,

Since this is my first post I guess an introduction is in order. I've been lurking on this forum for a few years now, usually bdd or add though. Never had anything to really input until now, though. I'm a 25 yr old us male.

-> long, perhaps rambling post follows (please forgive my lack of cognition currently)

So anyways, I've been physically dependent, as in withdrawals when i dont have anything, on opiates for about 7 1/2 yrs now; total of about 8 yrs using opiates. I've always stuck with the pharms though, too many dead friends to allow myself a heroin experience/habit. I started out with lortab(hydrocodone) 20-40mgs per dose 2-3 times a day. This was after kicking a 3 yr meth habit, I tried to just smoke weed but was introduced to opiates by gf at the time. The dose gradually increased (as it does) and so did the frequency of dosing. About a year into that I was introduced to percs/ocs (oxycodone). Then the dose and frequency skyrocketed to about 120-160mgs per dose 3-5 times a day. By the way I've never been prescribed these, all bought with money from good jobs.
So it went on like that until the last two years or so, when I had apparently fucked things up so good I was no longer able to find these high-paying jobs, and have subsequently been on kind of a maintenance-type trip, as in never really getting much (maybe 4-5 30mg pills every 3 or four days). This would get me a head-change but not really high, but still enough effect to give me withdrawals. The problem though is that I've never really wd'd all the way, something always seems to come along just as I'm starting to feel better. And with my lack of self control I always indulged, starting the cycle all over again.
This has led to a very real loss of self esteem and self worth, Im sure others know what Im talking about. Everything just seems so hopeless and fucked everytime im sober that all i want to do is get high to at least kill the mental pain. But I think that after countless cycles of this I may have finally had a breakthrough, more of a ' this is bullshit ' epiphany really.
I've been opiate free for 4 days now, almost halfway through the fifth now. I had a little vodka laying around which was quickly consumed couple days ago, but other than that completely sober. I did manage to procure a prescription for xanax, (i was hoping i could use them for the anxiety, insomnia, etc.) but wont be able to fill them until the 27th. So I'm cold turkey I guess. Plus, I've fucked my financial situation up so completely that I won't even have money for cigarettes let alone actual drugs. But thats probably a good thing. If anyone has actually been bored enough to read this entire rant, I guess I'm really looking for some encouragement, a helpful anecdote, or some such shit. I'm tired of the life I'm living, and I think I'm ready to move on and 'choose life' ;). Well, thanks for reading, please dont be too critical as I dont think I could handle it right now.

18-03-2012, 22:44
My reaction is certainly not to be critical--quite the opposite! Congratulations on both your decision and follow-through.What are you doing for support? I think that outside support is critical to staying sober. Even getting into therapy so that you can work on regaining your self-esteem would be helpful. The "mental pain" that you speak of is certainly familiar to me and years ago would have triggered using a substance to cover it up or at least temporarily banish it. I think when you get to the point where you are, where you can see the futility of that cycle, you are in a very strong position to make real change. Watch out for the xanax--that can be an even worse one to kick.<3

18-03-2012, 22:51
Yeah that's all I have to say also: Get rid of the Xanax. You don't need it. Benzos are just as addicting as opiates and are just another way to cover up your issues which NEED TO BE EXPOSED in order to work on yourself. Having said that, great job with your breakthrough! I'm you decided that enough is enough, time to live my life! Feels good man. Good vibes!

19-03-2012, 04:24
I concur--Xanax and its related compounds are some of the most difficult substances to quit, they make opiate withdrawals an absolute cake walk by comparison. I hope that you'll find that by the 27th you will feel so much better that you won't need the benzos which will make you a slave.

I'd also encourage you to check out either a local Alcoholics Anonymous ("AA") or Narcotics Anonymous ("NA") meeting in your area. Very few people get sober without some form of peer support, and that's all 12 Step programs are, groups of sober men and women who help each other achieve and sustain sobriety. You can find a meeting at www.aa.org, or at www.na.org. I would make a meeting daily.

19-03-2012, 04:40
I'm going to dissent and say that if you have a legitimate RX for Xanax, that it may not be a bad idea to take it as prescribed. Yes, it is addictive, but if in the judgement of your Dr that it the benefits outweigh the adverse effects, it is probably a good idea to listen to the Dr.

However, congrats on kicking opiates!

19-03-2012, 05:17
Its a horrible idea, most addictionologist would never prescribe an addict benzos....its one way street to nowhere fast. Doctors don't always know best, sadly.

Legitimate prescription or off the street, its addictive either way and especially with a past with addiction...its even a more slippery slope.

19-03-2012, 05:37
OP, that pretty much describes my situation. My habit isn't that bad but since I haven't fully kicked, using every 3 days is still just enough to keep me physically dependent. It's very frustrating because you get to the worst day of it, and only have to make it a little further, and then magically something comes along to mess up the detox, and start the cycle over again. I was only really getting high a few times a month since most of the time I didn't have the money to get enough to get me properly high.

The "I'm so done with this shit" attitude is in my opinion the main way that most people end up quitting their drug use. The main thing to do from here is to not expect everything to be perfect right away just because you kicked your habit, and make sure you have things to do in your free time. Be careful with the xanax though. It usually gives me the "fuck its" and next thing I know I am calling for drugs after taking one.

19-03-2012, 20:32
Thanks everyone for the good advice and support, much appreciated. Another day has passed and so far so good. And yes, the xanax is a legit script but was acquired from a GP through manipulation (presenting false symptoms and saying the right things :\ ), it also helps never having had a drug charge or admitted to being an addict . Like I said the idea was to use them for the WDs but they wont be ready in time anyway, so most likely I'll never fill. Other than not being able to sleep things seem to be picking up, no longer in the bathroom ALL day lol. It seems to be mostly a mental thing now, boredom depression anxiety you guys know how it goes. I've started looking for some employment, and am trying to find joy in the real things of life. Thanks again for all the great comments, you guys have been a veritable lifejacket in a stormy sea. I'll continue to post updates on the battle.

19-03-2012, 21:37
I will dissent in part regarding Xanax. Not all of us who use it as prescribed are addicts. If you have panic disorder as diagnosed by a medical professional, Xanax is effective at providing one with the knowledge to persevere. It is also not for everyone. The blatant statements associated with "benzos are horrible" are counterproductive and shortsighted. This is not intended to be offensive to anybody.

I hope, OP, that you find a therapeutic regimen that will help you. Gainful employment means more than anything! If you have a reason to get up every day, you're well ahead. Being bored is a quick avenue toward self-destruction. I hope you succeed in kicking drugs and finding a job that works with you.

19-03-2012, 21:45
OP, any particular reason why the prescription for the benzodiazepine cannot be filled until the 27th? Is the physician who prescribed them aware of your opiate dependency and your intent to use Xanax as needed during opiate withdrawal?

19-03-2012, 21:57
I will dissent in part regarding Xanax. Not all of us who use it as prescribed are addicts. If you have panic disorder as diagnosed by a medical professional, Xanax is effective at providing one with the knowledge to persevere. It is also not for everyone. The blatant statements associated with "benzos are horrible" are counterproductive and shortsighted. This is not intended to be offensive to anybody.

I hope, OP, that you find a therapeutic regimen that will help you. Gainful employment means more than anything! If you have a reason to get up every day, you're well ahead. Being bored is a quick avenue toward self-destruction. I hope you succeed in kicking drugs and finding a job that works with you.

Well long term use of benzos have been known to actually make anxiety worst due to the way they effect GABA within the brain. Its gets to a point where you build a tolerance, get little relief, and need higher doses....its a never ending cycle that ends with dependence. Once you're dependent upon benzos, they usually make your anxiety worst in the long run and they also have been known to cause depression as well. Note, they are also meant for very limited and short term use.

I myself have taken benzos before and have severe anxiety...yeah my life is a never ending panic attack but I refuse to go upon the route again.

Miss Kirsty
20-03-2012, 00:29
I agree with Mariposa..Benzos do indeed help alot of the people who take them As prescribed..As do Oxycontin for cancer sufferers..My mother is not an addict and she takes valium daily and has done for years. Sure she would be dependant on it, but so is a cancer sufferer on oxycontin for a few years/months/weeks..
Generalising is an absolute waste of time and is counter-productive to everyone who reads it.

Missykins i believe the OP said he got his script prescribed to him by deception...Its in his name but for reasons that are false.

ALso the OP may be like me and JUST have an opiate addiction..I have had prob 20-30 scripts in my life of valium,temaze, etc and i have never once had benzo withdrawals as benzos are not my drug of choice and i dont have any issue at all with them..Give me a box of valium and i will take as prescribed or less...However, put a box of oxycontin near me and it will be gone faster than you can say hello to me!

20-03-2012, 00:41
That's god you're deciding to choose life over opiates. The self worthlessness that you are feelings is caused by the opiates and it is a cycle that can be easily broken once the addiction cycle starts. It's hard to target the abuse itself as a factor for self hatred, but it is usually what happens.

20-03-2012, 21:30
Thanks for all the good vibes folks, some more time has passed and so far so good. Yes, miss kirsty I've previously had a meth habit but nothing compares to the opies for some reason. I've had benzo scripts in the past and everything seemed to go well as far as lack of dependency, but I have the sneaking suspicion it may be different for me this time around... I don't want to replace one physical addiction with another, especially with how hard the benzo wds sound like. @badfish Yes i can already feel the difference - feeling a lot better about myself now im on day 6 (7?), I see what you mean. Although not much has really changed in my world other than the obvious things seem a lot brighter today... Just slowly climbing out of this hole.

21-03-2012, 01:07
Wow, glad you decided to come here and share that with us!<3

From the sound of it, you really want to stay clean this time, and not because you have to?

See, in order to stay clean, you need motivation, and also support from friend and/or family. I'm always being told, "Take it one day at a time." Maybe you should try NA? I know it's not for everyone, myself included, but I hear for some it actually helps. Even after the withdrawals, you will have a long road ahead of you. You need some kind of support.

I came off of my suboxone 3 and a half months ago. Still feeling the PAWS of course because I just now found out I didn't taper right. The hardest thing for staying clean for me personally was all the emotions I left behind during my drug usage. It seems like all the bad stuff that has ever happened to me, or all the bad stuff that i've ever done has been constantly on my mind since. I'm not really sure how to deal with it.. I guess I just got to "keep going". That's what you have to do. Keep going. You really REALLY don't need the drugs. The withdrawals WILL go away. You done went this long without them, might as well keep going, like I said. <3

Eh, i'm really iffy on Xanax. To be honest, I bought Xanax off the street when I first came off of suboxone and they helped a great deal with my withdrawals. I didn't get addicted to them, because I haven't had any xanax in a month, and I feel fine. But I implore you.. be really careful with the benzos. The withdrawals from them are much worse than opiates from what I've seen and heard.

Miss Kirsty
23-03-2012, 04:57
Day 6 or 7 and your not even sure which one!!! Thats great...I usually am in the months before i stop counting or caring about how many days its been...You are doing so well...May I ask how you are coping? Are you using benzos or OTC or nothing?...

24-03-2012, 03:39
I just wanted to add, in response to the first part of your post, that there's also a risk of ODing on pharms. I don't know the comparison rates of ODs between different opioids, but certain pharms are definitely strong enough to carry a risk of death. You probably already know this so its just a reminder, it just sounded like you thought you were safer on pharms than heroin and any complacency can be dangerous. I use pharmaceutical opioids as well as heroin, and the only thing I've ODed on was oxys (and not even IVed).

I wish you all the best on staying off :)

25-03-2012, 19:11
Hey guys, time for an update I guess.
Fell off the wagon pretty hard the other night, dude showed up with some free shit (IR morphine 30s) and before I knew it I had indulged... somewhere in neighborhood of 120mgs. Im thanking my lucky stars the roa was smoking though, probably only got 40-60mgs from the feeling ( or lack of). So it was nice not having any rebound wd (they always seem worse when you've not had them for a while) the next day. I feel fuckin retarded for fucking up all that time I had clean, but cant change shit now. Still fighting as hard as I can, other than some alcohol yesterday and that little fuckup still stone cold sober.
I guess I should have elaborated on my no-heroin policy, when I was 13/14 they were a few of us that all hung out and smoked weed and drank and shit, of the 8 of us there is me and one other dude that are still around, the others all died from od on h. So i really cant bring myself to do it. Plus, the shit they call heroin in this state is 'black tar' (easy way of saying the mexicans skip the last couple steps) and it is digusting and ridiculously impure. I know you can od on pharms, been there done that tooo many times... but at least you can pretty much guarantee you know what you're getting, not a bunch of fucking eyeliner. Although come to think of it every time Ive od it was always a combination of oxycodone, xanax, and alcohol.
Anyways, other than a little liquor it's all been cold turkey to those who wonder, the thing I've found helps the most is actually working out, kind of counter-intuitive I suppose but it works. I do a 45 min workout with pushups, squats, curls, presses, etc. in the morning before showering, and a 30 min one before bed each night (or early morning usually). But I keep my pulse rate down during the second one, mostly core-type exercises, I can usually go to sleep quicker after that.

25-03-2012, 20:21
Hope you get back on your feet.. Fallin' can be tough on self esteem but never let go and get back up on them feet. One day at a time, you'll make it. I had a bad speed habbit (60 tablets a week) and with the help of my family, friends and N.A., i managed to stay 15 months clean of all drugs until i fell off recently. I'm not going to let go.. One good thing to do is making a clean up of your friends. It's tough but you should get rid of the ones that offer you drugs when you told them you are quiting