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PendulumAM
14-06-2011, 00:31
I'm 20 years old and female. I've had 3 long term relationships so far, and every time, I ended up getting bored of the guy and uninterested romantically and sexually. It always happens where at first, I am head over heels for the guy and things are great. Eventually I start not wanting to have sex more and more, until I just don't want it at all. I start feeling unromantic and disliking more and more things about the boyfriend. I'll want to break up with him but can never do it face to face, it always happens when we get seperated somehow (the first guy I broke up with after I left for college, the second had to move back home after he dropped out of college, and the third has recently been incarcerated).

One part of me thinks I shouldn't judge the rest of my love life based on these 3 guys, but the other part of me worries that since the same thing happened with all of them, it will keep happening again. Maybe its because none of these guys were very good boyfriends (the first guy was kinda dumb and would quit a job just because "someone said something mean" and the other 2 guys became controlling douches).

Has anyone else ever been like this in their relationships? I am just scared that I am doomed to grow sick of every relationship I have.

Beatlebot
14-06-2011, 00:40
Everything you've been through so far seems fairly normal. Maybe you're just beginning to change the way you see relationships as you mature?

Before you start dating the next guy, just make sure you check - Do you see this guy as some kind of entertainment unit, or as another individual you may possibly want to build a life with?

Falling head over heels is great, but relationships last when there is somewhere good to land.

Lysis
14-06-2011, 00:43
I got bored of men really easily in my 20s too. Hell, I got bored of my husband too. LOL I find older men more mentally stimulating, especially after I grew up.

I think you're normal. You just haven't found someone to stimulate you indefinitely. It's hard to find someone like that, especially at 20 when the boys just want to party, stare at your boobs, and live in their mom's basement. LOL

alasdairm
14-06-2011, 04:37
It always happens where at first, I am head over heels for the guy and things are great. Eventually I start not wanting to have sex more and more, until I just don't want it at all. I start feeling unromantic and disliking more and more things about the boyfriend. I'll want to break up with him but can never do it face to face, it always happens when we get seperated somehow (the first guy I broke up with after I left for college, the second had to move back home after he dropped out of college, and the third has recently been incarcerated).we can guess but only you know why you do this - have you spent any time analysing why you behave this way? what conclusions have you drawn?

alasdair

booyaa
14-06-2011, 06:20
it's normal, girl! they were long term relationships anyway, as you said! I get bored after 1 month with a guy when on the first week I'm willing to marry him and have children and stuff like that haha
But it's just that we haven't found the right guy.. I think!

shahab6
14-06-2011, 09:47
it's normal, girl! they were long term relationships anyway, as you said! I get bored after 1 month with a guy when on the first week I'm willing to marry him and have children and stuff like that haha
But it's just that we haven't found the right guy.. I think!

exactly you haven't found the right person.. I. am like that to, at first I really really like the person, and I want to be with them all the time, and I think they're the best thing in the world, but then a few months later, it's all gone.. and it gets to the point of I don't even want to see them..

Mysterier
14-06-2011, 10:59
I agree that this is pretty typical. Perhaps you put on your blinders when you head into a relationship. If so, perhaps that will go away. As well as the deification that so many of us are guilty of.

I suggest that you try looking inward instead of outward.

ugly
14-06-2011, 13:05
I had the same thing when I was 17, 18, 19. After a certain amount of time, I just could not stand to spend another day being bored with the dude and I broke up with him.

I found the right guy when I was 19. Not the perfect guy. Not exactly a friend. I was 19 but he was 30, had been married and divorced, had two kids 7 and 11, custody of the 11 year old. Oh there was PLENTY to keep my interest. Longer than anyone had.

I got bored with that too after a couple decades. But I kept it to myself. For me, boredom is not an acceptable reason for divorce. He was not bored with me. I was not bored with our kids. I was just bored from years and years of his stories. It wasn't his fault and I didn't want to wreck our whole situation because as boring as it was, it was also a comfortable boredom.

I ease boredom for myself by myself with whatever it takes. Boredom after 32 years is pretty much a given, I'm going to guess. I have seen movies where people stay fascinated with each other and stay all touchy feely and emotional for 50 years. It's just not realistic.

JoeTrance69
14-06-2011, 18:41
I have yet to have a relationahip go past the 1 year mark. This is because of my boredom after 6 months. i cant' help it because it comes naturally and its a feeling i wish i didnt get every single time. You're definately not alone but then again, i am a guy lol

llama112
14-06-2011, 21:21
It is because you haven't found the right person yet. Expect to break up with plenty of people in your life. That's what dating is all about. Trying out different people to see who is right for you. When you find someone who is right for you, you won't get bored of him!

pseudononamouse
14-06-2011, 22:13
Maybe long term relationships just aren't for you; maybe you haven't found the right person. Either way I don't think you should worry about it.

CoffeeDrinker
15-06-2011, 02:00
I get bored by people easily too.

It's possible you were just dating boring people, yet they seemed attractive on first glance because they have "game" and try to portray a certain image, but then the reality of who they are settles in, and you realize that there's more toa relationship than just game and image. It's kinda like how those who become elected officials are generally the least qualified to actually run a country, because they're so scandalous and dishonest; those who attract the most girls are often the least qualified to be a good boyfriend because they've spent all their energy working on trying to attract lots of girls, rather than try to improve themselves in a diligent way.

You either gotta date older, or find someone your age who is an old soul: Worldly, intelligent, and mature for their age. I'm not just talking about obnoxious "know it alls," there's a distinct difference.
I'd suggest the latter group because they have more upside than just your "regular" older guy. All a "regular" older guy is, is a person who matured at a normal pace, they probably would've been boring if you met them when they were your age, but because they have more experience, they seem to be "awesome" people, when really they're just average dudes who can't get a women their own age. That might be unfair to people who genuinely do like each other and have a wide gap in age, but I find it's generally true. The "old souls" who are young have the sky as their limit because they learned life lessons much more quickly than the average person their age, and like to keep things as fresh as possible.

I think boredom is a perfectly viable reason to want to break-up with someone.

GRINCH3369
15-06-2011, 02:18
if your in your early 20s theres no point being tied up, i used to go through girls like water. everytime i was in a relationship no matter how good looking they were or even fun to be around eventually the sex was the same and i would get so bored.. just be a dirty little whore its the only way to go!

Wolfmans_BrothEr
15-06-2011, 05:58
Try dating a different "type" of man

PendulumAM
15-06-2011, 19:46
It just makes me worry because I see so many people who are together only because it's convenient or they have been together so long that it would be difficult to split, even though they hate eachother...are there really relationships where the couple is still crazy about eachother after 10, 20, even 50 years of being together?

alasdairm
15-06-2011, 20:05
sure. why does the former worry you?

alasdair

33Hz
15-06-2011, 20:30
Has anyone else ever been like this in their relationships?

Probably about 75% of 20 year olds. You have nothing to worry about.

CoffeeDrinker
15-06-2011, 20:32
Boredom is the existential suffering brought on by a lack of life. It's so insidious that it hardly feels like suffering at all. That's the worst part about it, you can endure nearly endless boredom.
If the person you're with can't excite your life any longer then it's only a matter of time before resentment grows.
Boredom is nearly the worst thing that can happen to a person, but it's not simply the other person's fault, it takes two to create boredom in a relationship.
My advice is to not take any relationship too seriously, just treat it like an extended hang-out, and don't try to label anything. If hanging out is cool, then awesome, if it's not, then move on.
Also try and really take your hobbies seriously and have fun with those. Often times bored people are boring people, and all you really need is just to get out more, but above all else, just go about your business and live your life.

PendulumAM
15-06-2011, 20:39
It worries me because it seems like there are SO many people like that. My own parents don't love eachother anymore, they are basically together for convenience. So many marriages end in divorce. I see many relationships where the couple fights all the time and complain about eachother behind their backs and are always "wanting to get away" from their significant other. You sometimes hear about those couples who have been together many years and still act like they have just fallen in love; but those stories seem rare, and how many people like that have you met in real life?

Its like that movie Loser where Mena Suvari says "‘I may actually turn out to be one of those lucky people’
‘What lucky people?’
‘Well, you know how there are couples who stay together just because they feel like they can’t do any better. Or there are people sad and miserable and live alone. But then there’s this microscopic little tiny group of lucky people who get to be with the person they are madly in love with.’

CoffeeDrinker
15-06-2011, 22:38
My grandpa and grandma had a great loving relationship that lasted over 60 years until he died last year.
They fought a little, and were not afraid to speak their mind to each other(if you can't be yourself that's obviously a bad relationship), but the fights were never too serious, and they never stayed upset for very long.
He was a great, great, man, and I feel so bad for my grandma because she lost the love of her life. I can honestly say that they loved each other dearly. Right up until the end they did.
My parents seem less happy than my grandparents, but they own a company together and business gets in the way of love a lot of the time. That pisses me off because it's not like the company is allowing us to live this lavish lifestyle, so how could they be so ignorant to allow such a petty thing get in the way of their once great love?
My mom is quite the romantic and says she truly loves him deep down, no matter what kind of fights they get in. My drug use and my sister's constant debt problems have also put quite a toll on the relationship, but they still can laugh about things and show affection for each other at the end of the day. I don't really know if they'll ever break-up, sometimes it feels like they are on the brink, but they both have faith that it'll work in the long run.

I think you have to have faith that there is someone out there, and keep your options open until you find them. When you get to know someone, and think about forming a long term relationship, ask yourself if your values align with theirs in a way that won't cause fundamental problems. There ain't nothing wrong with just having some fuck-buddies, if that's all you want, until you find the perfect person for you.

I think people are too willing to settle down in the first half-way decent relationship they find, and girls especially have this whole "biological clock" thing, where they feel the need to make babies by a certain age, and once babies are in the picture they feel an extra pressure to stay together. How unromantic!
I believe in monogamy if it's "the one," but I also believe in staying single as long as necessary to experience as much of life as possible. I would never want to hurt the person who really is perfect for me. And never say "I love you" too soon, that guarantees a messy break-up if it's not the right person you're saying "I love you" to. Also make sure you don't find yourself apologizing to them too much. If they try to guilt you into doing things, they have problems and they're not right for you at all.
I think making sure your values are compatible with theirs is the best way to survive lull periods in the relationship where it might seem boring. Sometimes a great person might seem boring just because they're going through some problems. Maybe all they need is a little push to get out and enjoy life again.
Maybe try dating people you wouldn't normally date?
IMO it doesn't really matter how many "not right" people there are, it's all about finding the one person who makes you happy no matter what. I know there are barely any girls I meet that I would actually consider for a serious relationship, but it doesn't worry me at all. It just makes the few who are perfect all that more special.

Alldaykk
15-06-2011, 23:36
Fuck why is it almost always the girls who get bored of the guys?

I really feel my girl is getting bored of me and this could be the last day... and shit just started up.

What really pisses me off about the whole thing too is I was never looking for this relationship, I was just out of another one and was spending time working on myself, working on my business, and really getting ahead.

Well this girl (my girl currently, i hope for much longer but its not looking that way) was hitting me up since before when I had a previous girlfriend (she did stop hitting me up when she realized I had a gf) but after I broke up with the last girl a few weeks past and then this current girl hit me up again.

I figured eh why not, I am interested in this girl and will see whats up.

I ended up really falling for her I guess you could say but not off the deep end or anything, just normal building attraction, and she said very sincere feeling she felt the same. And we built this relationship and started going out, now just literally a few days after its already on the rocks.

You can just tell things arent the same as they were (so fucking pathetic sounding) a few days ago.

I told her up front i dont just hook up and if Im going to be intimate then I want involvement ect. It took time but eventually when we BOTH said we were ready for a relationship, and I put that out there and broadcast and now all my friends know we are dating ect, now this happens right after?

What a fucking ego crusher, to have to tell my friends and to have everyone see us break up after a few days, already losing interest in me, when she was the one pursuing me???

I just dont get it, i was never clingy, and I have a lot going on for myself, it feels pretty bad to realize someone could get bored of me so quick. IDK, could just be the individual I am/was with, but this shit stings regardless. I really dont want to break up, as soon as I build emotional investment, thats when it seems like shit goes south

CoffeeDrinker
16-06-2011, 00:30
Well what's wrong with "just hooking up"?

Alldaykk
16-06-2011, 00:40
Well what's wrong with "just hooking up"?

I personally dont want to hook up. If i ever get physically intimate with someone, it means i like them and care about them enough that I want to make it last and make it work, or at least try in that direction.

It doesnt feel good to make it a casual encounter, personally, its just something I cant help, it comes natural.

Just like whether you are in to someone or not into them, you cant help them, its natural attraction.

Its just a natural feeling of intimacy. And im a guy btw

Nickii93
16-06-2011, 02:34
omg seriously i feel the exact same way as you maybe its because im 18 but i realized that i like the chase a lot more than a relationship /: for ex right now im in a relationship for about 2 weeks and i liked this guy for a long time but im already losing interest. i feel bad tho because idt he feels the same way and i dont wanna hurt him by breaking up with him. ahhh i wish i could be like the other girls my age who seem to enjoy going out with the same guy for over a year.

PendulumAM
16-06-2011, 03:54
I personally dont want to hook up. If i ever get physically intimate with someone, it means i like them and care about them enough that I want to make it last and make it work, or at least try in that direction.

It doesnt feel good to make it a casual encounter, personally, its just something I cant help, it comes natural.

Just like whether you are in to someone or not into them, you cant help them, its natural attraction.

Its just a natural feeling of intimacy. And im a guy btw

You put it perfectly. I'm exactly the same way. I only feel interested sexually if I really like the guy personally and want him to be my boyfriend. It doesn't matter how hot I think a guy is, if I don't know him or wouldn't want to be in a relationship with him, I wont have any desire to have sex with him. I cant help it either, thats just how I am. I have nothing against other people having casual sex, but its just not for me. It's not for any religious or moral reasons. That's a lot of the reason I lose interest in having sex in the long term relationships I get bored of. I would get nothing enjoyable from sleeping with a random guy one night and never seeing him again.


omg seriously i feel the exact same way as you maybe its because im 18 but i realized that i like the chase a lot more than a relationship /: for ex right now im in a relationship for about 2 weeks and i liked this guy for a long time but im already losing interest. i feel bad tho because idt he feels the same way and i dont wanna hurt him by breaking up with him. ahhh i wish i could be like the other girls my age who seem to enjoy going out with the same guy for over a year.

See I start to get bored after half a year or longer. With my last relationship, I started getting unhappy about 1 1/2 years into it. We both did have a heroin problem but that started like 10 months before I got unhappy with him.

footscrazy
16-06-2011, 04:31
3 relationships isn't a lot to have lucked upon the right person for you. In fact I'd say you'd be incredibly lucky if you found the perfect person in that small a sample!

I think you are finding a problem where none exists. To find the right person, you have to know what you don't like, and it seems you have that down - is getting bored the only factor that leads to the break up? Or are there other reasons the previous guys haven't been right, which all build up into a general apathy about the relationship?

I think when you do find the right person, you'll be thankful for the years you had to experience different relationships and learn about what works for you. There'd be nothing worse than finding the right person, but thinking what if, because you simply didn't have the experience to know how right this person was.

Cohesion
26-09-2011, 00:32
So, I am bored with my boyfriend. It started to be clear to me when I had to force myself to get into the sex (including sexual difficulty). The difficulty went away after some effort, though only for a few weeks; it has returned with no warning or explanation.

I think we've had sex twice in 3 weeks.

We've been friends/acquaintences for 8 years. I realized (after the honeymoon phase) that I can only think of him as a friend. Talk about extended hang-out! We have a lease together until August 2012. I don't see us completing this lease together.

As with all relationships gone sour, I know now more things that I DNW in a partner.
He's a stoner of 25 years, and take it from me when I say that makes for a quite dull, immature, stagnant type of person.

When he is home, I make a practice of
A.) Job - searching
B.) Going to the library or AA meeting
C.) Reading books
D.) Not being the "listless" person

I hope that this does not sound rude, though I'm afraid it does. See, I have to keep busy for my own well-being because I am not o.k. with his stagnancy-swagger.

alasdairm
26-09-2011, 01:29
you're bored, the sex is bad, you think of him as a friend, you think he's dull, immature and stagnant. why are you together? what's your plan?

alasdair

Cohesion
26-09-2011, 01:55
Thanks for simplifying. ;)

We are together because it's less costly each month; incidentally this is all I can afford on SSDI.

We also communicate & get along really well.

I'm going to work ASAP. No less than 40 hours/week.

I've never worked 40 hours. The most I've worked = 32 hours/wk for 5 months - in 2004. However I am in the midst of a 180 (currently around 100 degree) change... so my motivation is tops.

We'll stay friends, as he's let me go already: "Whatever you need to do to be happy, I'm behind you 100%. I understand that you are looking for the best opportunity."

What's hardest/causing most resentment is that he's in active addiction (zero desire to quit)and mine's cooled wayy off. There is some enabling: 1. Cannibinoid 2. Beer, the latter not being my preference though a potential New habit.

Thus I have to work a lot ASAP. It's pretty important!

beamers
26-09-2011, 02:04
Familiarity is inevitable as time goes on and on....

Cohesion
26-09-2011, 02:12
Oh yeah, you know everyone is boring/annoying in their own unique way when it comes down to it.

Personally I can't be around someone who has certain fundamental deficits. I have a list of Non-Negotiables, and he doesn't make the cut. Sad (-dish) but true.

Opaner
26-09-2011, 02:16
I totally agree with getting bored in relationships. Some people seem so interesting for about 2 weeks. Then my mind wanders around to find someone more interesting. I've dated a lot and I've stopped talking to girls because they get so damn boring. It is impossible to tell when you first meet someone how they are going to be a few weeks later. Luckily the relationship I'm in now is fun, I haven't been bored at all. And it will be our 10th month?

Lysis
26-09-2011, 04:50
I guess it didn't work out from your last thread? That's a shame, but from your last thread, it sounds like you did give it a good try and you were really patient trying to make it work. Can't give you shit..you did try!

cire113
26-09-2011, 08:04
maybe you are boring