I feel stupid and worthless.

I moved about 2 months ago, to my own place. I really like it a lot but the whole process stressed me out and I've been sick. For the first month, I had such bad anxiety I was missing work, and that made me feel like a loser. Now the anxiety's gone, but I've been so depressed it's hard to get out of bed. So I've still been missing work. I've been trying really hard to go but sometimes it's too hard.

I'm bipolar, on meds, and I usually go to therapy every other week. Well, 2 weeks ago my therapist had to reschedule because she had the flu or something crappy like that. I really needed to go that week. But I figured I could stick it out. So I went last week. And waited an hour and a half And she didn't show up. Because my appointment wasn't until THIS week. I got the wrong date. I was pretty bummed out.
Last week I called the doc I get my meds from because I'm pretty sure I need an adjustment, I've been feeling shitty for too long, but they couldn't fit me in until THIS Friday.

Today I went to work for almost 2 hours. And now I'm home. I'm out of vacation/sick time. I really wanted to stay today but I just couldn't do it.

I do have FMLA to cover my butt in case something like this happens. But not everyone at work knows I'm bipolar, or that I'm on meds and still having a hard time and I really don't feel like telling them. The supervisor who fixed the schedule so that I could leave today (doesn't know) told me I've been missing too much work, which I have been, at least 1 day every other week. So that made me feel totally crap. What's more, she reminded me that the county (I work for) has to make 20% budget cuts to ALL departments, they're planning on laying a bunch of people off, and this really doesn't look good on me. I think this is where FMLA helps me but I still think in this case I'm definitely more likely to get cut before someone who isn't sick so much.

I need the money. Otherwise I have no place to live and no food to eat. Edit: and of course I just realized if I don't have money/insurance I can't see my doctors or get meds that I need.


I don't know. I feel like a complete loser. I work in a library. I love it. I play with books and talk to people all day. Some days it's totally easy, and some days I can't do it at all.

I've been crying for half an hour. I don't even remember the last time I cried. I was doing so well until this move. And all of a sudden I can't handle my life anymore. And my life is really great, to be honest.

I'm not sure what to do. I don't know what I expect anyone to say. Maybe something that'll make me feel like less of a bum. I've been trying so hard and it hasn't been working and now I've been warned by a supervisor.
I'm scared and embarrassed and I feel like I should have FAIL tattooed on my forehead.

Just hang in there man, shit always gets better =).

I know how hard it can be, especially with bipolar disorder. Unfortunately, I don't know what you can do to make yourself feel better. Though you say you don't have insurance, go to the appointments you have scheduled for this week. Tell your doctors about the lack of insurance/money...maybe they have programs that can help you until you can afford it again or something.

Otherwise, Te0X2t is right - it's hard right now, and hanging in there can sometimes be unimaginable, but things WILL get better. Just don't give up and remember that you are NOT worthless and you are NOT a failure or a loser. People have tough times and bad days all the time! It's just a lot harder for people like you and me, with mental disorders that hold us back, to cope sometimes. But just make more effort to go into work - I know how hard it can be to climb out of bed and motivate yourself, but maybe going in and being able to work your entire shift will give you a sense of accomplishment that will help your mental state, too. It happens with me a lot. I can't find the motivation or care to do things that I'm supposed to do, but once I force myself to do them and succeed in doing them, it helps make me feel better because I've accomplished something.

Either way, I really hope you feel better soon. I'm glad you came to Bluelight for support, because there are a lot of caring and compassionate people here who will be able to give you much better advice than I can. However, I want you to know as a fellow sufferer, you're always welcome to PM me - I'll be a shoulder if you need. Much love and hugs - I'm sending good vibes your way so that you can recover from this.

Thanks for your replies...and the good vibes. I definitely need them right now.
sorry for the confusion, I DO currently have insurance, but if I get laid off I won't. I called the psychiatrist office today and they were able to schedule me in this evening. I just got back. The doc wants me to start taking cymbalta. Looking at the side effects makes me cry.
I hope I don't have to stay on it long. But the weaning off process doesn't look too good either. Apparently no matter how slow you do it you get massive withdrawls.
That bums me out even more. I want to throw my brain in the trash.

Ah, okay, that does make more sense.

Also, if it's any consolation, I have taken MANY different medications that have approximately the same list of side-effects. None of these are guaranteed to occur, and many are said to go away as your body gets more accustomed to having the medicine in its system. On the flip side, in all honesty, there have also been medications in which the side-effects get worse as dosing persisted. I don't have any personal experience with Cymbalta, though, so I cannot be sure. Hopefully it won't be as bad as expected and also that there are some medications your doctor would be willing to give you to help whenever you do start weaning off of it...

I'm hopeful that your doctor took all of the information into consideration and feels that the positives of having you on Cymbalta greatly outweigh any possible negatives, so try not to look at it so grimly. I know it can be hard, but you CAN and WILL get through this - I promise.

Yeah. I guess I just gotta keep my head up. I mean, I can't expect pills to do everything for me, right, and I'd feel like a loser anyway if I didn't at least make an effort, you know what I mean? I'm gonna try my best to stick it out at work. And I've got therapy in 2 days (YAY! FINALLY!). Also, I told my psychiatrist I had a bottle of omega 3 fish oils which I've read are good for like a million things and she said it'd be fine if I took those with the rest of my meds. Then maybe I won't have to take Cymbalta for forever. I think I have an aversion to pills. I mean, I don't even like "fun" pills. At all. Now...if only they would make my meds in gummy candy form like my vitamins....

One thing I read about Cymbalta is that it might help people stop smoking cigarettes. Going on Wellbutrin a year ago got me to cut down from a pack a day to maybe 4 a day. So maybe I'll cut back even more and that'll save me some money.

I just thought of this - you know what would definitely cheer me up? A round of disc golf. And some sunshine. Just to get out there and walk around on the grass and listen to the birds. Too bad it's been gloomy and rainy and cold (abnormal here, it's usually 110F by now). But the weather's supposed to get better. And hopefully I will too. I feel bad for my boyfriend. He's so great to me. He's only known me when I've been relatively stable though so I'm a bit worried he'll think I'm too crazy. He said his brother's bipolar though, maybe that's why he's been so good at dealing with me. I just wanna superglue myself to him. LOL poor guy. I hope he doesn't get tired of giving me pep talks every morning.

Yeah, pills can be helpful, but only if you're making an effort, too. I can definitely tell you're not expecting them to fix everything, which is always a good place to start. I know you can do this! Hopefully the fish oils will help you out, too. Perhaps you can talk to your doctor about 5-HTP and L-DOPA which are supplements that have the precursors to dopamine and serotonin, both which also help regulate your mood. They're natural supplements, so it's not harmful to take them everyday and I don't believe they cause withdrawals if you suddenly need to stop or something.

I'm not sure about the price of L-DOPA (I'm looking into it now myself, as I just learned the 5-HTP I've been taking can cause a depletion in dopamine over time), but the 5-HTP costs around $10 at Wal-Mart for a month's supply.

But I totally know how you feel about the "aversion to pills". Unfortunately I have to take medicine for physical disorders, but I'm also bipolar - however, I try to refuse medicine to help me, as I'm determined to work through this on my own. But that's only because I've been on medicine for it in the past and I feel like I got as far as I could on medicine alone and now it's up to me, y'know?

But it's good to hear that Cymbalta might help save you some money - and maybe cutting back on cigarettes even more will help you feel a bit better, too.

Hopefully it'll get sunny and warm for you soon and you and your boyfriend can go take a walk. I'll bet that'd really help. It's good that you've got such great support in him, too. Sounds like me and mine; it's surprising how crazy we think WE are, but how fine THEY are with dealing with our crazy. Lol. I don't know if that made sense, but try not to think too hard on it. I'm sure he'd let you know if it got hard for him, but as long as you're making an effort, I'm sure he'll be happy to help, too.

Hey POR!
I can identify with alot of what you said -most of my life has been going from one job to another, starting studying and not being able to finish, missing days because I'm too anxious/depressed to handle them-feeling like a failure because the very thing I've been so enthusiastic about I just get numbed to. I'm not bi-polar but to have shifts in mood that are difficult to manage.

Sinister Muffin gave you some great advice there hun.
Can you get letters from your Docter for work-the Doc might even make them vague?
Delighted for you that you got your Therepy date soon
Keep that fighting Spirit, especially during the harder times and check out the Bi-polar Mega Thread on here(if you havn't already), you may be able to get some others feedback on Cymbalta etc...
Look after yourself hun and let us know how things are going for you.

One more thing to add n id like you to always remeber.
God looks at you, past your "disorders" n problems n sees absolute perfection.
Dnt let society's view of you define your view of yourself.
The universal n eternal soul that created you couldnt be more happy with you, you are a piece of divinity n dnt forget it!
I immediately find peace when i thnk of this.
Only when you attain that peace can your actions reflect it; then you will be pleased with your positive actions n it starts a harmonious cycle. quite the oppostie of what you are apparently going through as that too is a cycle.
Find peace soon, friend