buttercuplur
Bluelighter
- Joined
- May 17, 2000
- Messages
- 73
I believe I should start out with a little bit of a vague background to help you in understanding my post a little better. About two years ago I used to post a lot on a regular basis, you know those first timer questions, because I had just joined the scene and started experiementing with harder drugs than just a little pot or drinking like before. I slowly stopped posting, (if you've heard this story before just stop me 
and stopped going to school, and stopped really socializing. I had a nasty (I'm talking a 2-3 gram a night snorting) k habit and had done countless amounts of ecstasy. I went through what I term as an "aderall stage" which lasted as long as my money did. But like I said, I stopped posting and pretty much fell deeper into it. The friends I had were the greatest ever, some of them I knew pre-drugs, and some of them were because-drugs. Some of them went to jail, some of them left me, some of them died, but they were all my friends. After all my experimentation, I think the night after I took six pills and didn't really roll that well was when I decided I really had a problem. Taking ecstasy to me wasn't about the wonderful experience of being closer to my best friends, or getting to know new ones, or everything I had stood behind it for, every reason I had given in arguments for it, didn't matter anymore. It had become about getting high. I swore it off the next day, because I don't deserve to do such a beautiful thing, as the ugly person I am. So if I have my time periods correct (events, times, places are hard to decifer) I had been doing serious drugs for three years now, and it seems when I look back now, that every time I picked a drug for the month, I ended up doing it until the town's supply went dry. (And this next part is probably wherein my major problem lies) I had always been a drinker, for a while there whilest I was doing some of my serious drug use, I wasn't really into drinking, but somehow, I always came back. And to try and compact this story, I was up to drinking an 18 pack of beers, and still being able to function normally enough (I thought) to drive a car. As bad as my situation did turn out, it could have been so much worse. When they arrested me for my DUI (driving the wrong way down a one-way street in downtown) they sat me next to a guy who was being arrested for the same thing except he hit and killed a whole family. So of the many wake up calls in my life, as drunk as I was this wasn't a sobering experience until the flashes of things replayed themselves in my mind over the next few weeks. So to me this became my rock bottom. I needed to stop, and now. Looking back, it may have needed to be a lot earlier, but at least it is now. This is the dark side, and I think I have spoken my dark piece.
I think I am getting to my point: I have quit cold turkey. This may not be the easiest way, but to me, it seemed the way I needed to go. I went from being an pack a day (cigs) alcoholic etard with ocassional meth-using tendancies and a serious soft spot for ketamine to a complete recluse. I lost my job, lost my best friends, lost my license, dropped 3/4 of my classes, and almost lost a reason to live. It's so hard to pick yourself back up again, and find a reason to go on, but I do. I do it for the future, I do it because I know there are people out there that love me. I distance myself from them because I am jealous that they don't get as carried away as I do. I love them to death, and will come back to them, but only with the confidence in myself I can handle my shit. But what I want to say is this. I scan the mostly all the drug discussion forums, seeing if maybe my advice is needed, or my experiences can help, but nothing really ever sparks my two-sense out like this section, the dark side. And although my experiences and said addictions may pale in comparison to some of the things others here have experienced, I want to voice my appreciation to all of bluelight, but specifically the dark side for giving me a place to speak, and so many other stories to paruse as I try to keep my mind off the beckoning of substances that could save me from my soberboredom. The strength of other stories I have read, the knowledge that everyone brings to the table, and an annonymous friendship and closeness of bluelighters that I want to be a part of makes me smile, which I can't remember doing too much of lately.
I want to say thank you to all of you. And I want you all to know it is possible to quit if you want to. (which method you chose is your decision) And to those of you who don't want to quit, I see absolutely nothing wrong with that. Having a little fun with drugs, does expand your mind's view on life and everything therein. I think I would be able to take some drugs on a recreational basis later on life, on good terms, but for now my experimenting is over. I hope that everyone in the forum feels free enough as I do to express their story (goodness it feels good to get these things out) and I hope that maybe I will be able to shed a little light on things just like all of you have done for me in the past few days.
thank you so much
and stopped going to school, and stopped really socializing. I had a nasty (I'm talking a 2-3 gram a night snorting) k habit and had done countless amounts of ecstasy. I went through what I term as an "aderall stage" which lasted as long as my money did. But like I said, I stopped posting and pretty much fell deeper into it. The friends I had were the greatest ever, some of them I knew pre-drugs, and some of them were because-drugs. Some of them went to jail, some of them left me, some of them died, but they were all my friends. After all my experimentation, I think the night after I took six pills and didn't really roll that well was when I decided I really had a problem. Taking ecstasy to me wasn't about the wonderful experience of being closer to my best friends, or getting to know new ones, or everything I had stood behind it for, every reason I had given in arguments for it, didn't matter anymore. It had become about getting high. I swore it off the next day, because I don't deserve to do such a beautiful thing, as the ugly person I am. So if I have my time periods correct (events, times, places are hard to decifer) I had been doing serious drugs for three years now, and it seems when I look back now, that every time I picked a drug for the month, I ended up doing it until the town's supply went dry. (And this next part is probably wherein my major problem lies) I had always been a drinker, for a while there whilest I was doing some of my serious drug use, I wasn't really into drinking, but somehow, I always came back. And to try and compact this story, I was up to drinking an 18 pack of beers, and still being able to function normally enough (I thought) to drive a car. As bad as my situation did turn out, it could have been so much worse. When they arrested me for my DUI (driving the wrong way down a one-way street in downtown) they sat me next to a guy who was being arrested for the same thing except he hit and killed a whole family. So of the many wake up calls in my life, as drunk as I was this wasn't a sobering experience until the flashes of things replayed themselves in my mind over the next few weeks. So to me this became my rock bottom. I needed to stop, and now. Looking back, it may have needed to be a lot earlier, but at least it is now. This is the dark side, and I think I have spoken my dark piece.I think I am getting to my point: I have quit cold turkey. This may not be the easiest way, but to me, it seemed the way I needed to go. I went from being an pack a day (cigs) alcoholic etard with ocassional meth-using tendancies and a serious soft spot for ketamine to a complete recluse. I lost my job, lost my best friends, lost my license, dropped 3/4 of my classes, and almost lost a reason to live. It's so hard to pick yourself back up again, and find a reason to go on, but I do. I do it for the future, I do it because I know there are people out there that love me. I distance myself from them because I am jealous that they don't get as carried away as I do. I love them to death, and will come back to them, but only with the confidence in myself I can handle my shit. But what I want to say is this. I scan the mostly all the drug discussion forums, seeing if maybe my advice is needed, or my experiences can help, but nothing really ever sparks my two-sense out like this section, the dark side. And although my experiences and said addictions may pale in comparison to some of the things others here have experienced, I want to voice my appreciation to all of bluelight, but specifically the dark side for giving me a place to speak, and so many other stories to paruse as I try to keep my mind off the beckoning of substances that could save me from my soberboredom. The strength of other stories I have read, the knowledge that everyone brings to the table, and an annonymous friendship and closeness of bluelighters that I want to be a part of makes me smile, which I can't remember doing too much of lately.
I want to say thank you to all of you. And I want you all to know it is possible to quit if you want to. (which method you chose is your decision) And to those of you who don't want to quit, I see absolutely nothing wrong with that. Having a little fun with drugs, does expand your mind's view on life and everything therein. I think I would be able to take some drugs on a recreational basis later on life, on good terms, but for now my experimenting is over. I hope that everyone in the forum feels free enough as I do to express their story (goodness it feels good to get these things out) and I hope that maybe I will be able to shed a little light on things just like all of you have done for me in the past few days.
thank you so much
