PDA

View Full Version : My Wife Slapped me, I Slapped Her Back...now what



Pages : [1] 2 3

IzGood
28-05-2011, 23:10
Me and my wife were drinking at home having a good time. I was drunk, she was very drunk. My wife is smaller than me and got drunk quicker. We were both on the Internet and the Internet stopped working. She tried to fix it by fiddling with the modem. She asked for my help and I started helping her, she physically hit the modem three times, I told her to calm down, she continued to talk agressive. In my frustration, I threw the modem and went and sat down. She came over to me and slapped me. Without thinking, I slapped her back.

Now our friends, my family, her family know that I hit her. I don't really care about that but she feels like a victim and I am the bad guy. Now I understand that I am a man and she is a woman, and it is never correct to hit her or any girl for that matter, but in this instance, I was just trying to help her while she was destroying equipment and then she slapped me.

I need some opionons. Am I an asshole? An abuser or am I justified in slapping her back if she slapped me?

ugly
28-05-2011, 23:21
I've been married to a good man for 32 years and he has never hit me. He told me that during his first marriage (high school sweet hearts, lasted a few years) his wife has a little temper tantrum one morning and slapped his face with her hairbrush. He instinctively hit her back. It tramatized him, and it was the beginning of the end for them. On the other hand, having felt like a total dick about it at the time, he never raised a hand to me in all these years, not wanting to feel like that ever again. As with your situation, it seems to me that the female deserved what she got and unfortunately, the male was scorned by the local circle of loved ones. It's certainly double standard and I don't think a woman should slap a man OR another woman unless she's planning on getting what she gave 10 fold.

J. G. Wentworth
28-05-2011, 23:33
You do not hit a woman.

Maybe in self defense if she is kicking your ass.

If you do it again, I would seek some counseling. My observation is that people either only do it once, or it becomes a repeating pattern. That is what you need to worry about.

Forget about the family, friends, etc. Truth be told, she brought it on. But I grew up where it was made clear that you do not hit a woman.



And women: If we are so angry we need to leave the house, do not stop us or try to block us. We do that so we will not do or say something we would regret. Take our keys if we are loaded, but let us go walk it off.


my 2 cents on the matter today, anyway.

Good luck to the original poster. The fact that you are in heavy thought about it enough to seek opinions leads me to have hope that hitting her was entirely out of character for you or you are trying finding out if it is.


oh yeah: The second part: Now what?

You ask for her forgiveness that despite the circumstances you don't ever want to even feel the need to raise a hand against her.

One thing I learned: Women value security and it is the mans job to provide that feeling.



Ladies, My PM box is awaiting your invitations. ;)

kaywholed
28-05-2011, 23:33
you (both) need to look at this as a couple and not as a victim and abuser. you shouldn't allow yourself to accept all blame for this. feminists will say you shouldn't hit a woman, but really you shouldn't hit anyone.

sounds like things got out of control, and that doesn't mean the world is ending, but perhaps more moderation or work on anger is a good idea.

Lysis
28-05-2011, 23:44
I'm probably going to have an unpopular opinion here, but I don't think a man should ever hit a woman even if she hit him first. I mean, we're talking about a girl who couldn't hurt him if she tried, but he could probably knock her teeth out if he went overboard with the slap. There's a huge physical difference.

However, I still don't think she had the right to hit you. I also wouldn't label you an abuser for the reactionary slap. You both were drinking too, so that shit happens when when we drink.

If you both get violent or this stuff happens when you drink, it might be time to evaluate how much you drink, ya know? You guys can work through this. Next time you drink, you BOTH should work on the anger. I know it's hard with alcohol, but you have to learn to tell yourself that your actions/reactions are not clear.

badandwicked
28-05-2011, 23:49
you (both) need to look at this as a couple and not as a victim and abuser. you shouldn't allow yourself to accept all blame for this. feminists will say you shouldn't hit a woman, but really you shouldn't hit anyone.

sounds like things got out of control, and that doesn't mean the world is ending, but perhaps more moderation or work on anger is a good idea.

good post

Domestic violence is domestic violence and who ever's hitting who doesn't matter. You know the truth & she knows the truth, so don't worry about others judging. Society discriminates against men in this respect.

llama112
29-05-2011, 01:09
Yeah I think you both need to work this out. Neither of you is victim and neither of you is an abuser. Yeah you shouldn't have hit her, right. She shouldn't have hit you either!

It also depends how hard you hit her. I'm presuming it was just a slap and didn't hurt *that* much. For either of you. If you hit her like really hard (because you are bigger) and she slapped you but it was soft and you hardly felt it, well then yeah you would be the bad guy here. I am presuming that you did not go all out on her though.

You need to have a talk with her about this.

Ask her if it was right for her to hit you? See what she says about that.

Let's say a guy hits a girl. And she hits him back. I'm sure most people would consider the girl the victim in this scenario. So why not the other way around? Why is the girl always the victim?

I'm a girl and if my guy hit me, I'd be pretty pissed, and may or may not (depending on the situation) hit him back. I would never hit him though without it being self defense. And he wouldn't hit me without it being self defense. So we're good there.

panic in paradise
29-05-2011, 01:11
You do not hit a woman.

Maybe in self defense if she is kicking your ass.

If you do it again, I would seek some counseling. My observation is that people either only do it once, or it becomes a repeating pattern. That is what you need to worry about.

Forget about the family, friends, etc. Truth be told, she brought it on. But I grew up where it was made clear that you do not hit a woman.



And women: If we are so angry we need to leave the house, do not stop us or try to block us. We do that so we will not do or say something we would regret. Take our keys if we are loaded, but let us go walk it off.


my 2 cents on the matter today, anyway.

Good luck to the original poster. The fact that you are in heavy thought about it enough to seek opinions leads me to have hope that hitting her was entirely out of character for you or you are trying finding out if it is.


oh yeah: The second part: Now what?

You ask for her forgiveness that despite the circumstances you don't ever want to even feel the need to raise a hand against her.

One thing I learned: Women value security and it is the mans job to provide that feeling.



Ladies, My PM box is awaiting your invitations. ;)

agreed, & trying to prevent anyone to leave with a physical obstruction is illegal as well, and not so smart with a big drunk stumbling around...

you had every legal right to do what you did ...simple enough. she didnt, its true.
there are laws of us the land, which also can be fallowed, which will keep you out the law of mans hands !

i am fairly confident i could box any chick -lol- so are they, so leave it at that, take the punches this takes more of an individual - admit what you did, admit how you feel about it - do what they and you feel needs to be done and fallow your heart - if you can accept this and they cant and wont show equal honesty then there is no use in beating yourself up now even further, and even worse...


so maybe neither of you deserved the hit, but who of you deserves the burden of guilt and shame over it?


no one
not you or they, so let them point their fingers, with every finger pointed there are two pointing back, leave your hands tied at their will - and let it be.


what else can be done?!?

artic
29-05-2011, 04:46
Honestly, if a girl ever hit me I'd walk right then and never come back. I wouldn't give a shit if she was my wife and we had 10 kids. What else can you do? Girls hit guys at LEAST as much as guys hit girls, probably far more. If you defend yourself suddenly you are a bad guy. If you call the cops or your friends or family you get laughed at for getting beat up by a girl. No one deserves to live with abuse, male or female. The only option left is to hit the road.

panic in paradise
29-05-2011, 04:54
^+1 .

whats that they say about love and war...
:-\

i had a chick punch me in both damn eyes once, after her BF and i got done scrappin' i thought it was great, fine then..! we became friends out of respect after that.

n3ophy7e
29-05-2011, 05:20
I was just trying to help her while she was destroying equipment and then she slapped me.

In my opinion there is absolutely no justification for hitting someone in the situation that you described. Drunk or not, angry or not, provoked or not, there is no reason.
She is just as in the wrong as you are because she hit your first. You are both as bad as each other in my opinion.



I need some opionons. Am I an asshole? An abuser or am I justified in slapping her back if she slapped me?
I don't believe that you are an abuser. I believe that (from what you have told us in this thread) you have a problem controlling your emotions when drunk. So what, so do most people when they're that drunk. But that doesn't mean it's acceptable behaviour. It is NOT acceptable to act that way when you're drunk, or any other time. If you and your wife cannot control your emotions and your behaviour when you're drunk, then don't drink. Plain and simple.

Your wife also clearly has a problem with her emotions if she acted out in such a way as what you've described. She had absolutely no reason to hit you, and she needs to admit and accept that fact.


You both need counselling. Please seek it.

Shrooms00087
29-05-2011, 05:49
Some of these responses are ridiculous.

And I think counseling is over done. Obviously you don't hit anybody especially a woman, but you already knew that and just feel guilty. So, apologize in admittance of wrong doing and feeling guilty and don't be stupid next time. You may feel as though she is just as guilty as to offset your own guilt, disregard this.

8L4YN3
29-05-2011, 06:11
Is she an adult yes? Then no need to baby her, she knows you just cant hit someone and not expect the same back. Gender is irrelevent. For the most part it's natural instinct to retaliate in this fasion.

Obviously common sense also plays a part, if a woman breaks your jaw, you dont go break hers, or if i child hit an adult, obviously it's wrong to hit the child back. But a full grown woman slapping another full grown man then getting slapped in retaliation from him dosn't make her the bloody victim. If the retaliation was a solid haymaker or something though that would be seriously overboard lol.

llama112
29-05-2011, 08:06
Is she an adult yes? Then no need to baby her, she knows you just cant hit someone and not expect the same back. Gender is irrelevent. For the most part it's natural instinct to retaliate in this fasion.

Obviously common sense also plays a part, if a woman breaks your jaw, you dont go break hers, or if i child hit an adult, obviously it's wrong to hit the child back. But a full grown woman slapping another full grown man then getting slapped in retaliation from him dosn't make her the bloody victim. If the retaliation was a solid haymaker or something though that would be seriously overboard lol.

This is actually perfect. It says EVERYTHING. (Y)

beamers
29-05-2011, 08:40
Equality means being accountable and responsible for your actions. She needs to understand that, otherwise women will continue enjoying a coddled position due to the discrimination of lowered expectations.
If there is never a threat of physical retaliation to any violent action a women takes then there is no learning in that process. Men understand that there is a line and if you cross that line, by striking someone first, then expect retaliation. Otherwise it reinforces the behaviour. I had a male friend that was hit on numerous occasions during one particular relationship and it sucks out a person's soul. He never fought back and wouldn't leave her, she left him eventually.

Regarding the OP: If she goes to the cops, that's a total cunt move. If any of her girlfriends (she will talk about it to them) don't like you, expect her to end up going to the cops, regardless of how she feels about that now.

n3ophy7e
29-05-2011, 08:53
^^ I don't think anyone mentioned her going to the cops??


And I think counseling is over done.

Really???
Clearly this couple is not harmonious and have some issues. Sure they could just apologise to each other and get over it, which is likely to be what actually happens. But what if there is some other underlying factor in their relationship which is starting to come to the surface when they are drunk? Surely it would be better to nip that in the bud now before things get worse? What harm is there in getting some counselling?

Bob Funkhouse
29-05-2011, 13:41
You don't sound like an asshole or an abuser to me. I grew up in a household with a lot of domestic violence and your case here is not abuse but a reaction.

She should not have hit you and you should not have hit her back. If this happens again thn you should worry about it and deal with it. However, if this is a one off it should be treated as such. Stop worrying about it and move on. TBH she should probably be apologising to you. She is an adult who hit her equal partner- this is def not acceptable

rickolasnice
29-05-2011, 15:14
Fuck it. 50 / 50.

Men beat women, women beat men.

Let's get over this sexist bullshit.. if someone hits you you have the right to hit them back..

Extremes are different kettles of fish. It's not like you kicked the shit outta her or even knocked her the fuck out.. If a woman beat the fuck outta my girlfriend i'd happily bear the fuck out of that woman.

CoffeeDrinker
29-05-2011, 16:42
Now our friends, my family, her family know that I hit her. I don't really care about that but she feels like a victim and I am the bad guy. Now I understand that I am a man and she is a woman, and it is never correct to hit her or any girl for that matter, but in this instance, I was just trying to help her while she was destroying equipment and then she slapped me.


Why would all of your friends and families know about it? Did she tell them all?
I think that's the more bitchy thing to do, trying to get everyone to think shit about you when it was her that started the whole thing with her irrationality.

That's where the real double standard lies, girls seem to be way more comfortable being the ones who can just act irrationally whenever they want, but when you got frustrated with her, and the piece of gear you were trying to fix, she couldn't handle it and slapped you.
idk what to tell her, but let her know that she's acting like a child about this.

Captain.Heroin
29-05-2011, 17:21
Women really shouldn't hit men thinking they'll get away with it. Unless that's her thing is taking a punch or two... :\

Then again you shouldn't willingly be in a relationship with someone who's going to hit you, so go ahead and break up with her. The fact she is still with you means she's got a pretty low self esteem, and the fact she started it off by hitting you means she's an abusive person to begin with.

Ethanol is probably what caused this situation in the first place, but even if it wasn't, it's still good to completely avoid it in the future.

panic in paradise
29-05-2011, 17:54
CaptH
Women really shouldn't hit men thinking they'll get away with it. Unless that's her thing is taking a punch or two..

no body should hit anyone thinking they will get away with it... if so, they've lost already.
:\



CaptH
Then again you shouldn't willingly be in a relationship with someone who's going to hit you, so go ahead and break up with her. The fact she is still with you means she's got a pretty low self esteem...

seems more of the fact that wont take the same stance now as he, when he is the actual "victim" in this, rather then the "aggressor" as she is.

Captain.Heroin
29-05-2011, 19:48
no body should hit anyone thinking they will get away with it... if so, they've lost already.
:\
Yes, agreed, I don't think men think they can get away with it, which is why I thought it would be redundant to say it here.

kaywholed
29-05-2011, 20:07
Women really shouldn't hit men thinking they'll get away with it.
And yet the sexist belief that a man should never hit a woman continues, which is why do some women think they can get away with it, which is a downward spiral towards ugly domestic violence.

j0nblaze
29-05-2011, 20:57
this kinda got way off track... here are some important things to consider..
first i believe from the description of the events that the guy should be at least congradulated for maintaining some level of control when his wife obviously lost it..
the woman should be considering monitoring her alcohol consumption closely next time they are drinking if this isnt totally out of character.
why are family involved, did the woman involve them while she was drunk or sober or where there witnesses? if she made a sober decision to unfairly portray the guy then that is malicious..
i am 32 years old and have been in a relationship with someone that has emotional problems for years and have hit her, but never maliciously.. she has driven me past my breaking point thousands of times and the results were often violent but i never wanted to hurt her, i was desperate to escape, and she was forcing me into these situations.. it took me years to give up on living with her for now but she is the mother of my child and i am doing my best to help her.. anyways you know the person you are with and you know yourself and you havent said anything that tells me your family needs anymore help than reassuring you that you arent a bad person. i cant tell you that, but it sounds like your slap although unnecessary was fair if you werent trying to hurt her..

Shrooms00087
29-05-2011, 21:09
Really???
Clearly this couple is not harmonious and have some issues. Sure they could just apologise to each other and get over it, which is likely to be what actually happens. But what if there is some other underlying factor in their relationship which is starting to come to the surface when they are drunk? Surely it would be better to nip that in the bud now before things get worse? What harm is there in getting some counselling?

There's absolutely no harm in it, well, aside from the money. It is in fact so harmless any flare up or outburst can be applicable to 'see treatment'. Most relationship flare ups can be solved with common sense, honesty, and apologies. Counselors tend to muddy that up with their discipline and then ask to see you again several times over. No offense to the trained, I just don't think the issue is serious enough to warrant a love seat and notepad.

Roger&Me
30-05-2011, 06:08
lol my girlfriend slaps me all the time because she's a drama queen, but I find it endearing. I just grab her and tickle her and/or kiss her and she says she's sorry. :)

conscious11
30-05-2011, 06:09
makeup sex!!!!

modern buddha
30-05-2011, 06:32
And women: If we are so angry we need to leave the house, do not stop us or try to block us. We do that so we will not do or say something we would regret. Take our keys if we are loaded, but let us go walk it off.

[/I]

I can't tell you how many times I've just needed to be alone and the one ex-girlfriend just followed me when I left.

Female here, btw. Apparently I'm more manly than I thought originally.

I wish women (even female family members!) would understand this better and take heed when you say you want privacy.

OP, I say sit her down and talk it out. If her family is aware of what has happened, it means she's shared it and it makes you look like the bad guy. If your talk goes well and things are moved into a state of the past, then you're good to go. If things don't go well, ask for some privacy (hope that she respects it) and consider the state of your relationship.

Good luck and I'm sorry that you're in this predicament. From how you have stated your situation, I doubt you'll slap her again.

However, she's a dumbass for slapping you in the first place. Does she think she's Godzilla or what?

n3ophy7e
30-05-2011, 06:54
There's absolutely no harm in it, well, aside from the money. It is in fact so harmless any flare up or outburst can be applicable to 'see treatment'. Most relationship flare ups can be solved with common sense, honesty, and apologies.

In my opinion, once the line of physical violence has been crossed, that is no longer just a mere "flare-up", in my opinion that is a serious situation that needs to be addressed. But that is just my personal belief, keeping in mind that I have never witnessed nor been involved in any domestic violence. So I have basically zero tolerance for domestic violence whether it is perpetrated by the man or the woman. I can imagine that for people who have been involved in regular domestic violence or grew up witnessing violence between their parents or something like that, their "line" would not be in the same place as my line.

Shrooms00087
30-05-2011, 07:04
And there isn't a precedent that a situation similar to this could be a one time occurrence? That maybe counseling in a case that appears to be circumstantial and not something that would apply to this person on average (domestic abuse) would do nothing more than teach dependence for their problems? Just seems frivolous.

j0nblaze
30-05-2011, 07:20
In my opinion, once the line of physical violence has been crossed, that is no longer just a mere "flare-up", in my opinion that is a serious situation that needs to be addressed. But that is just my personal belief, keeping in mind that I have never witnessed nor been involved in any domestic violence. So I have basically zero tolerance for domestic violence whether it is perpetrated by the man or the woman. I can imagine that for people who have been involved in regular domestic violence or grew up witnessing violence between their parents or something like that, their "line" would not be in the same place as my line.

I don't think anyone is tolerating violence yet. Certainly not the op. Im not sure what should happen if there was already a zero tolerance policy attheir house.. but I think the op is doing his best. His wife put him in a situation he couldn't deal with as well as he would have liked and he is seeking guidance. I think its safe to assume he loves his wife and is not necessarily dangerous because he slapped her. Did he have to? Of course not.. but it didn't sound unreasonable.. and what is awesome is he is seeking the opinions of others even though most would agree he doesn't sound like an asshole which I think was a concern. Is the ops wife in an alcohol forum asking if she shouldn't drink? Id say this guy gets a pass on this one under the circumstances..

Mysterier
30-05-2011, 07:46
I don't think you're an asshole. You were put in that situation by her when she hit you. I'm not saying that it was right of you to hit her. I'm sure you would've handled the situation differently if you could have stopped yourself and considered the best way to handle it, which I think would have been to walk away and calm yourself down. I've been in that situation a few times in a past relationship. It angered me and hurt me that she would get to that point and slap at me. A few times she was drunk and the other times just very emotional. I don't think there is a debate here. There should be no intentional physical or emotional abuse in a presumed loving relationship.

I hope that you can work it out with her and try to help her understand that it's not okay for her to hit you, and it's not okay for you to hit her. Period.

n3ophy7e
30-05-2011, 07:58
And there isn't a precedent that a situation similar to this could be a one time occurrence? That maybe counseling in a case that appears to be circumstantial and not something that would apply to this person on average (domestic abuse) would do nothing more than teach dependence for their problems? Just seems frivolous.
In my opinion whether it is a one-off circumstantial event or whether it is an ongoing thing, I believe that the situation needs to be addressed. And I'm not sure what you mean by "teach dependence for their problems"?
Either way, I think you and I just need to agree to disagree. We both have very different views on the matter, and that is pefectly fine :)

I don't think anyone is tolerating violence yet. Certainly not the op. Im not sure what should happen if there was already a zero tolerance policy attheir house.. but I think the op is doing his best. His wife put him in a situation he couldn't deal with as well as he would have liked and he is seeking guidance. I think its safe to assume he loves his wife and is not necessarily dangerous because he slapped her. Did he have to? Of course not.. but it didn't sound unreasonable.. and what is awesome is he is seeking the opinions of others even though most would agree he doesn't sound like an asshole which I think was a concern. Is the ops wife in an alcohol forum asking if she shouldn't drink? Id say this guy gets a pass on this one under the circumstances..
Mate I think you've entirely misunderstood my comments...I'm not being critical of the OP at all. I'm not really sure where you're getting that idea from? My previous comments were directed at Shrooms' comments, and were more hypothetical-based rather than specifically with the OP's situation in mind.

j0nblaze
30-05-2011, 08:09
I quoted you and wondered if a zero tolerance policy were in place what would that mean.. and. I said I didn't think violence was being tolerated in this instance.. didn't mean to imply that you were and im sorry if I wrote in a way that may have suggested you did..

n3ophy7e
30-05-2011, 08:23
Cool, no worries mate :)

IzGood
30-05-2011, 12:34
It was 4 nights ago that it occurred. First night after I slept away from home at her instruction, second night I slept at home but slept separately. Third night I slept in our bed but she didn't come to bed until I was well asleep. She is very quiet, and acts very pissed off with me.

As she has told all her family and friends I'm pretty sure the feedback that she would've received would've been that I am an asshole, she should leave me etc.

I have apologized endless times, bought her flowers, going to book a day spa for her in the next couple of days but I don't know what else to do. Previously if she had been angry or emotional, she may have slapped me or kicked me but I just took it or laughed it off as one of the other posters said, and it has never bothered me. Just part of her feisty character! But on this night, what threw me over the edge was that I was trying to help her! and then she slapped me.

I've tried to explain to her that her actions were wrong in that she was destroying our equipment and then slapped me. She doesn't respond to this. I suppose her argument and probly the argument of many other people would be that a man should not touch a woman ever, which I suppose has some merit. The fact that I have previously not had an issue with her slapping or getting physical with me would basically make my argument useless towards her understanding it if I said now that I slapped her because I was trying to help her at the time.


*sigh* I spose just give it time and do the best that I can do. If she leaves me, I lose her, what can I do. I wish I could bring back that moment and control myself but I can't do anything about it now.

In another light, in that moment if I did nothing, she would probably just continue on with that type of behaviour in the future. Talking to her about it is not really an issue as for her to say Sorry is not something she does and when she is drunk, she is just a total mess.

"act in hast, repentant leisure"

drugfukkdrockstar
30-05-2011, 12:56
you (both) need to look at this as a couple and not as a victim and abuser. you shouldn't allow yourself to accept all blame for this. feminists will say you shouldn't hit a woman, but really you shouldn't hit anyone.

sounds like things got out of control, and that doesn't mean the world is ending, but perhaps more moderation or work on anger is a good idea.

Great post... this is all that needs to be said, end of story.

You both definitely have some shit to sort out - this seems like a very dysfunctional lovers spat.

So did she run off and tell your family and friends that you hit her even though she hit you first?

:\

In all honesty - not only did she hit you first but she is emotionally abusing you now. Just my opinion.

Bob Funkhouse
30-05-2011, 13:33
IzGood I know i'm just basing this on very little info I know about u and your partner but I really think that you need to break up with this woman and move on with your life.

In another light, in that moment if I did nothing, she would probably just continue on with that type of behaviour in the future. Talking to her about it is not really an issue as for her to say Sorry is not something she does and when she is drunk, she is just a total mess.

This quote above says a lot to me: sounds like u wanna talk and deal with issues to make things better and progress in relationship/life and that she doesn't. Sounds like she has issues and wants to blame you and also for other people to blame you- Not cool.

j0nblaze
30-05-2011, 13:34
It sounds like you know what you are doing and going above and beyond and willing to do anything to make up for something that wasn't entirely or even partially your fault. From your last post it sounds like your wife is a nasty drunk. How often does she drink? Does it matter? I would say you are a victim based on your last post only. Have you ever asked your wife to stop drinking? I hope so. Maybe not, if you are a victim. Would you normally say sorry to someone that hurt you? If your wife is choosing to ignore a problem that affects you it will be hard to convince her of this yourself not to mention she has the support of her family. I agree, you should never hit a woman but with all due respect she isn't acting lady like. More like a bully. I applaud your willingness to resolve things but you shouldn't subject yourself to that. I stuck it out with someone for way too long.. I still try to be the best friend to her I can and she has made more progress on her own in2 years than she made in 10 years with me.. I don't know how bad things get over there but I had a high tolerance for abuse. It really wasn't hard for me to deal with but it really wasn't changing and I got worn out. I hope for your sake alcohol is the only problem..

n3ophy7e
30-05-2011, 15:07
Previously if she had been angry or emotional, she may have slapped me or kicked me but I just took it or laughed it off as one of the other posters said, and it has never bothered me.
So she has a history of acting out this way?? In my opinion that is not an acceptable way for a loved one to act. Are you really comfortable with letting that kind of behaviour continue?



I've tried to explain to her that her actions were wrong in that she was destroying our equipment and then slapped me. She doesn't respond to this. I suppose her argument and probly the argument of many other people would be that a man should not touch a woman ever, which I suppose has some merit.
Perhaps you should show her the responses in this thread, the overwhelming majority of which have said that it is NOT okay for a woman to hit her male partner, and vice-versa.

pofacedhoe
30-05-2011, 17:14
You do not hit a woman.

Maybe in self defense


Ladies, My PM box is awaiting your invitations. ;)

which is what this situation was. if some girl slapped me she'd get slapped back. i'm not going to tolerate violence against my person because the perpetrator thought they could hide behind their gender.

everyone is equal, and in my experience if someone hits you you are within your rights to hit them back.

Pegasus
30-05-2011, 17:48
In all honesty - not only did she hit you first but she is emotionally abusing you now. Just my opinion.

Yeah, I agree. Your latest post really confirms it. She's using the situation in a manipulating manner now.

I'd say she thinks you are really attached to her, to the point that she can do whatever she wants and you'll stick around. At least that's what it seems like from reading your posts.

pofacedhoe
30-05-2011, 17:52
It was 4 nights ago that it occurred. First night after I slept away from home at her instruction, second night I slept at home but slept separately. Third night I slept in our bed but she didn't come to bed until I was well asleep. She is very quiet, and acts very pissed off with me.

As she has told all her family and friends I'm pretty sure the feedback that she would've received would've been that I am an asshole, she should leave me etc.

I have apologized endless times, bought her flowers, going to book a day spa for her in the next couple of days but I don't know what else to do. Previously if she had been angry or emotional, she may have slapped me or kicked me but I just took it or laughed it off as one of the other posters said, and it has never bothered me. Just part of her feisty character! But on this night, what threw me over the edge was that I was trying to help her! and then she slapped me.

I've tried to explain to her that her actions were wrong in that she was destroying our equipment and then slapped me. She doesn't respond to this. I suppose her argument and probly the argument of many other people would be that a man should not touch a woman ever, which I suppose has some merit. The fact that I have previously not had an issue with her slapping or getting physical with me would basically make my argument useless towards her understanding it if I said now that I slapped her because I was trying to help her at the time.


*sigh* I spose just give it time and do the best that I can do. If she leaves me, I lose her, what can I do. I wish I could bring back that moment and control myself but I can't do anything about it now.

In another light, in that moment if I did nothing, she would probably just continue on with that type of behaviour in the future. Talking to her about it is not really an issue as for her to say Sorry is not something she does and when she is drunk, she is just a total mess.

"act in hast, repentant leisure"

sounds to me like she got away with hitting you a lot when she had a temper (very spoilt childish behaviour), now she got a taste of her own medicine she doesn't like it and wants to play victim.

she needs to be told that her behaviour was the trigger for this situation and that if she has a problem with it SHE can move out. how whipped are you? i understand you love her but grow some self respect, what you used to have was a puppy that bit you too often and now you hit it back is all sulky and playing the victim.

if she doesn't like being slapped then dont slap others. you can only get away with bad behaviour for so long.

dont buy any more presents/bend to her will. stand up for youself and dont cave to her or agree with her opinion unless she accepts some fault (which i'm sure never happens in this relationship). stand your ground calmy and have a serious discussion where you let her know that no form of physical violence is going to be tolerated in your marriage or it'll be over.

why would you want to be with someone who cannot say sorry. thats the most pathetic childish nature going on the. all adults should be able to say sorry unless of course they never make any mistakes, which is bollocks because no-one is perfect.

she is a child, and you have no backbone or respect for yourself. these are the reasons this situation has occured. you cant change her but you can change yourself and how YOU behave to not be a puppet on her finger.

just a question- is she way out of your league looks wise/you bring in LOTS of money? if so this would explain a lot

Shrooms00087
30-05-2011, 18:24
And I'm not sure what you mean by "teach dependence for their problems"?


I meant that any problem that could be solved with caution and common sense, becomes a search for external instructions like a super-ego, never learning to solve their own sporadic problems.

kaywholed
30-05-2011, 19:46
Me and my husband were drinking at home having a good time. I was drunk, he was very drunk. My husband is smaller than me and got drunk quicker. We were both on the Internet and the Internet stopped working. He tried to fix it by fiddling with the modem. He asked for my help and I started helping him, he physically hit the modem three times, I told him to calm down, he continued to talk aggressive. In my frustration, I threw the modem and went and sat down. He came over to me and slapped me. Without thinking, I slapped him back.



Read this. Is the husband in the wrong there?

But how do we view this from another perspective, and are the viewpoints balanced?

HoneyRoastedPeanut
30-05-2011, 19:57
OP, for what it's worth, I think the slap was warranted in this situation and this whole thing is being blown out of proportion. You were both drunk, she was being belligerent, and you had a perfectly natural subconscious reaction to her slap.

Secondly, it was just a fucking slap. It's not like you gave a big wind up, steaming with hate and disgust, and bitch slapped her down to the floor with the intention of knocking her out. A single reactionary slap is not anywhere close to "physical violence" to me. It doesn't draw blood, or incapacitate anyone for even a single second. It's something you do to get someone's attention when nothing else seems to be working. Which is exactly what she did to you.

I feel like the reason she's acting like a victim is that she knows she is in the wrong and is still a bit shocked that for the first time she didn't just get away with it. She needs to take some responsibility for herself and her actions. I think you should both use this as an opportunity to stop the slapping altogether, regardless of intent. You putting up with it and laughing it off was just enabling her irresponsible behavior.

j0nblaze
30-05-2011, 20:11
Read this. Is the husband in the wrong there?

But how do we view this from another perspective, and are the viewpoints balanced?

Are you serious. I think we all were careful to give his wife the benefit of the doubt but after his last post I think its obvious he is a victim. Of course we Are assuming he is truthfuland able to describehis situation accurately enough.. people need to stop encouraging him to tolerate it.. he has already been doing that..

**busted**
30-05-2011, 21:31
Why would all of your friends and families know about it? Did she tell them all?
I think that's the more bitchy thing to do, trying to get everyone to think shit about you when it was her that started the whole thing with her irrationality.


I was thinking the same. Why does everyone know about it?

You both fucked up. Move forward and never let such violence happen again.

Lysis
30-05-2011, 22:10
The "tell all of his family members" is a manipulative move. The wife obviously has issues. My mom used to blab all of our issues to family and it pissed me off. You get lectured from all angles and it's not necessary. She's trying to make him look like a dick, and I hate when women pull that game.

j0nblaze
30-05-2011, 22:21
I tried for 15 years to make it work with someone.. I see now it was crazy but she deserved every minute of it and I can honestly say I don't regret it and am better for it. That being said only izyou can determine how far he is willing to go.. but for everyones safety he has to undertand his limitations.. it takes years and a ton of money and natural ability for someone to even be considered qualified to deal with troubled people at all let alone effectively. Plus they get paid a lot.. even these people succumb to the mental fatigue if they aren't careful. I could have killed my daughters mother, would it make me a bad person? No I was confused and did not have the skills to cope. We got together when we were 15. Got her pregnant and thought it was the only way to go. From the start she had issues that my normal behaviour made worse. When you get into a relationship that you don't have the skills to atleast not make things worse, it is possible to learn them but will most likely be too late.. you will have hurt them or at least created some barriers. I admit I was an idiot from 15-18 but by then I was super patient and sensitive to her issues.. I gave up when I was 30. No regrets. I made a good decision. Be honest with yourself.. can this woman break you? Definitely .. will she try? Possible.. make sure you don't end up in jail or doing something ou really regret. If she has cotrol it will be up to her. Everyone has limits. I would lose total control after about 3 hours of her following me from room to room, insulting me and my family with the most vicious words she could say. She would stand infront of the car, follow me down the street, say if I left she would also leave and I woud have to stay for my daughter. Fuckin rights I hit her, grabbed her all kinds of shit but that was her goal. I hope your situation isn't as severe, at least I hope not.