.....the downward spiral.....

This is an alternate nickname. For reasons of my own, I would rather not have this linked to my normal nickname. Some of you may guess who I am (even tho I dont post that often) - if you do, please respect my privacy and dont share your suspicions.
Im just posting this because I want to tell someone, and perhaps this story will do some good here.
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Earlier this year, my drug usage started rising. Bit by bit, and I never even noticed it (or pretended not to). It really started the first time I bought meth in bulk (for myself - I had money at the time, and it made better sense economically). Looking back, buying it like that was stupid - I didnt use anywhere near enough to warrant purchases of more than a small amount.
Mid-year holidays from my educational institution came, and with them a whole heap of events, and a whole new heap of friends. I hung around with them more, and since they were users, I lost the moderating influence of my friends of 'normal life'. Dont get me wrong - the friends I made during this time are some of the best, most genuine people Ive ever met. It just wasnt what I needed at the time.
My life went downhill from there. My savings were getting used up, my partner ran out on me, and it got to the point where I was actually preparing to kill myself when someone rang and talking to them changed my mind.
Now, coming up to exams, my grades for most of my subjects are screwed beyond anything I can fix with these exams - I wont be passing most of them. My savings are gone. I have nothing.
On the upside, I have quit meth a couple of weeks ago, having used it virtually every day for about 4 or 5 months. I know how dumb this was... I just didnt have anything else at the time, and it was easy to rationalise (it always is, isnt it).
2 weeks and it still hurts like hell - I feel like curling up into a ball and screaming, but at the same time I feel physically better than I have in ages. Exponentially better. I still plan to never touch whizz again.
Im not posting this in 'the dark side' since, as I see it, the worst is behind me, and Im not crying for help. I just wanted to tell someone (trying to tell someone you used drugs like that is what I imagine trying to tell your parents you have testicular cancer would be like), and I feel better now that Ive typed this.
Please refrain from calling me stupid or abusing me - Im still doing that so much to myself that you may as well save your energy.
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The reasons that I'm posting this here are two.
Firstly, I would like to make a plea that people be willing to look out for and talk with their friends if they think they have a problem. I know for me that the warning signs were obvious. I was reading a few people in IRC a few weeks back discussing how the word 'addiction' is a taboo word in the scene, and I can tell you from experience that is spot on. Telling others in the scene that you have a problem is like telling them you have an infectious disease.
Secondly, I would like to say that if you think you have a problem, then you probably do. If you read my story above, then its pretty obvious I fucked up, but at the time it was easy to rationalise. If you have noticed/suspect it, then your friends and family will be doing the same. Dont fuck around if you get to this stage. Just take a break from the chemicals - it will be much easier than if you keep taking them and stop later.
Thanks for your time, and I hope this does some good for someone out there.
::lowman::

lol

Please refrain from calling me stupid or abusing me

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How abouts we stand up and salute you for doing the right thing! Hail to you dear fellow - hail.
I'm a big fan of no speed. I'm a big fan of lots of speed. However - its only the day after that I look back and think 'thank god I didn't have speed last night' and its like when I first started going out pilling and I didn't take speed - the warm cuddly mornings where you can sleep when you want curled up in that warm fluffy doonah/gf. (we'll she's not that fluffy).
Dude I think I know what you are going through. The lows of speed usage are unparalleled. I've spoken to people who have been iv users of smack and speed, and they said speed was the worse of all.
Speed - ahhh the drug that ties in so closely to your response/reward system of the brain. Everything you do triggers a good feeling. You walk, it feels good, you talk it feels good, you have another line - it feels good.
The bleak days after - nothing you do illicits that same response. You can't be bothered doing anything because its not rewarding. You lie around, bored, yet you can't be bothered doing anything.
Good luck. It *will* get better. It really will. Your downward spiril is really becoming an upward spiril - you just have to see that.
My poor and humble advice to you
1. Recognise that this is the low that you get. You are not broken.
2. Go for a swim. Seriously, its like taking a big fat line of speed afterwards. Hit albert park pool (its indoors and heated!) and swim 5 or 10 laps. Afterwards ... ahhhh.. bliss!
3. Get up early in the mornings. Set your alarm - Like 7 or 8am (hey its early), you will get to sleep at a normal time. Go walk around in the sunshine - sun makes everything better.
Good luck - my inbox/icq is always available if you need a pick me up

my inbox/icq is always available if you need a pick me up

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Soma: I thought you weren't allowed to deal on bluelight! j/k
Seriously though, to the mystery person: by writing this you are on your way to recovery - it's like in the Quit Smoking ads on TV where they say "well you've taken the first step, that's great"... in this case it seems that you might be well on the way to being back to normal.
I personally haven't ever experienced the downward speed spiral quite as bad as you would have due simply to the fact that I've never had enough speed to let it happen. This thread has actually reminded me to be smart, because at an event in the future (which will remain nameless) I was thinking of having more than I usually would. Reading what you have written has set off the bells and whistles that tell me I don't need to, and it's the first step into the spiral. So I'm going to stick to the original plan and not try to "upgrade" myself to a heavier usage category.
And finally, if the author of this thread knows me then you know that I'm there for you if you need it - and even if you've never met me then myself along with the whole bluelight community are there to support you.

Just asking, if you're seeing someone go through this, what do you do? I've seen it happen, and through trying to get the person to realise what they were doing I lost a friend. It's all fixed up now tho. But I guess my question is, how do you talk to an addict without sounding preachy?
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Everyone knows cool hit it's peak in 1974.

thanks for sharing that

Thankyou everyone for the responses - they've been amazing. To tell the truth, I was expecting this thread to sink.
Soma: Thanks for the support mate. I know that you mean it too, which is even better
And yep, your description pretty much sums life up right now - a boring, grey world. At least it is getting better.
Pleo: yep, you do know me. Again, thanks for the offer If this thread sets off warning bells for anyone at all, it was worth it creating it.
anfalicious: That's a tricky one. The thing is, it goes from one extreme to the other. When things were good, whenever anyone said anything, I shrugged it off and was able to reassure them. Later, when I was worried for myself, I was dropping hints to people. Finally, if I tried to mention it to anyone from the scene, there was usually *no reaction*. Not "fuck - that's bad man", but no reaction.
I think part of this is if, for instance, one smoker told another that he lad lung cancer while they were sharing a cigarette - it's not something that people generally want to talk about as it's too close to home.
It's also a matter of pride. As I said, it is humiliating having to admit that you managed, like an idiot, to get yourself in this situation. It could have been worse... I used my savings, but at least I had the sense to stop before I sold my car, etc.
The danger I think is this: Speed is generally regarded as not physically addictive. So I figured it was safe, as addiction must then be purely psychological, and therefore only happen to the weak minded.
Ill tell you what: it sure as hell feels physical.
There is a certain telltale and it is this: you'll start getting a slight feeling of relief (keep an eye out for it) as soon as you do a line. If you get this, back the hell away.
I was also extremely well read about speed before I ever used it.
You know, I always figured only the dumb junkie type must let this sort of thing happen to themselves. It couldnt happen to me - I was only a recreational user who didnt even think much of speed, but thought it was handy to stay on my feet all night.
Now I know better.
::lowman::

Good stuff lowman! Thanks for bringing this up as I have a friend who's trying to get off smack, he's on a methodone program and the same principles apply.
But how do I broach the subject? My g/f used to be a heavy iv speeder, lost her car, vinyl collection, and ex b/f to speed and she gives him heaps of advice, we don't discuss it though so I have no idea whats going on or what to do. Should I try and help actively or just support? What do you guys think?
Cheers.

Lowman, I just read your story...you linked me in from the Meth story of mine that you read earlier "Dancing with the White Demon." I just want you to know you are doing a GREAT thing....I know it hurts now, I felt like I had been hit by a semi when I went through my withdrawls. But once you get through them, you will feel so much better...It's always nice to see people fighting back against Meth, only because I've seen Meth fight back against so many people. It takes alot of stregth and self-realization, and I commend you for finding that....I wish you the best and will keep you in my prayers...if you ever need any help, advice from someone who's been there before, or just to talk....feel free to email me at [email protected], congrats and good luck on the journey BACK to life...I'm sure you will be just fine!!!

{{{lowman}}}
It takes a big man to admit he has a problem. It takes a bigger man to make moves to overcome that problem.
It sounds as though, while your "scene" friends are genuine, nice and fantastic people - if they aren't prepared to help you, or to give a reaction when you are crying out for help.. then perhaps it is time to re-assess those situations.
A quote i read on here a while back in a human traffic review something like this, "a true friend will take you home and look after you when you're broken, a party friend offers you another line."
Perhaps something to think about. I fully respect you for what you have been able to do, this is a strong show of character, and you will only be a stronger, healthier and better person for it. Good luck with your recovery, remember there are genuine people on here who are here to help .

"a true friend will take you home and look after you when you're broken, a party friend offers you another line."

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That quote is very fitting, and has gotten me thinking about who to keep in contact with now. Cheers Supaspeed
For those asking what to do if a friend is in trouble, I just realised that I wrote a novel in my post above without really answering the question.
So my opinion - one of the problems with speed is the confidence boost, so what you are saying to them may not have any effect at the time, but they WILL remember it when they realise they have a problem. They will know they have someone they can talk to now that things have gone bad. Whether they do come back and talk to you isnt important - its knowing that they can.
2 weeks and it doesnt really seem to be lessening THAT much, but that might be the stress of exams - I still feel like curling into a ball and screaming. As wierd as it sounds, smoking sort of saved me, because I recognised the signs of addiction earlier than I probably would have.
::lowman::

all of the above...... it certainly does take a big man to do what you have done and going through exams atm wouldnt make it easier. What doesnt kill you makes you stronger i always like to say (although many times i've used it for the wrong reasons). It took me so long to see that i had a problem but by then i was so fucking cemented in the scene it was hard to turn your back on. I've learnt to control it now and only do it when i trully feel like and really want it. Lowman you'll be through it all soon and a hell of a lot stronger for it.
you know where i am if you wanna talk and i think i may of missed your warning signs not to mention my own or some of my other close mates but again you know where to find me

Thanks Lowman.
I am under suspicion peeps out there think they know who you are.
I can guarantee people, it is not.
Well don Lowman.. Keep up the good work.

If you have noticed/suspect it, then your friends and family will be doing the same. Dont fuck around if you get to this stage. Just take a break from the chemicals

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Wise

Well done for realising yourself, I was in a similar boat with e only a month ago. I Gradually increased my usage also (sort of unknowingly)....just out having fun.
Try to remember the way you where when you got naturally high on life before the usage, even if you have to think as far back as early schooling eg.riding bikes, funparks,etc... this may help your body get used to the old but good lifestyle a lot quicker.
I also am on the straight and narrow and I am yet to see any great improvements in myself but just having a positive attitude does me the world of good. As I know things will soon start to look brighter the longer I am clean
All who have posted here are very caring, sensible Bluelighters. I LOVE YOU ALL
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**It's All Good**

Well done buddy & big hugs to you. It sounds like you're really getting yourself back on track & that you've got your shit together.
Thanks for sharing your story, it was obviously not that easy for you - but I think everyone knows how much better you feel when you share stuff like that - it seems like you're problem's just cut in half. Also, it might just give someone else a poke to sit up and have a think about where they are, and just how serious their fun is getting - I guess I just mean that you're story might help other people from going down the same path, and that makes it really worthwhile. Good on you.
Good luck to you, but it sounds like you really don't need luck, just support. So I'll send you some more moral support instead
((HUGS))

lowman
i have a close friend who went thro alot with speed, lost her job, car, license and even her dog. one thing i found with people who have an addiction, no matter how broke they are they can allways get some...a time went thro when she moved in with some other girls heavy into the wiz.
My girlfriend always cryed to me about this friend and i had to try and do something to help.
Allthough thinking about it know, maybe i took the wrong path and i dont suggest anyone else take it.
the only way me and my g/f could get her mind of the wiz was to introduce another drug. and focus on that one.
the problem we had was that no matter what we done, be it swimming, bushwalking, motorcross or dog shows for crying out loud, it was allways a good situation for her to have a line. nothing could change her mind.
we introduced xtc into the equation, and gave her another drug of choice.
At this point she could have gone either 2 ways up or down. With constant talking to her, and sheltering her from the wenches she lived with, and parting...
yes thats right godspeed did come in handy with her road to recovery, showing her speed is a crap mind fuck and xtc was the way to go...
Over a period of 6 months, she has moved back home with her parents, enjoys a great relationship with her brother and has her dog back. she still has fines for driving without licsence but hey its a start.
She comes rolling with us only at Raves, which is like once a month and enjoys a healthy diet.
i feel this method worked well with her because before she was into the speed she was a fun bubbly "Reliable" person, and the way that xtc changed my way of thinking about life, done the same for her.
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- keeping it interesting -

Thankyou SO much for the incredible replies.
I dont even know what to say. I am completely lost for words.
So all I can tell you is that every post above has hit home. I read and reread them, and they never lose their meaning to me.
Thankyou.
::lowman::

Hey lowman.
I am in a similar situation at the moment. Not with meth but with speed and base. A close friand and i were shooting up speed everyweekend (and sometimes during the week) for 3 years. I haven't done that in about 3 months. I thought i was ok cause everything in my life seemed ok. Had a job, was doing ok at studying, had heaps of friends, except even if i was at home with friends on a sat night i had to have speed. Sure some of my frinds told me to slow down on the speed (they didn't know i was IVing) but i thought i was ok.
My friend and i finally decided to stop. There was no particular reason really. We just had a look at ourselves and saw our lives going down the 'downward spiral'.
Yes i can relate to how you are feeling. The comedown we went through was HELL. I was snappy, sleepy and had no drive to do anything.
I'm slowy getting my life back together now.

name: I see you too made an anonymous nickname just for this thread
You probably dont realise it, but you are already an example for people in my situation to follow.
I hope this thread has set off warning bells for some people that may have needed the warning. Im not going to stand up here and shout 'drugs are bad'. I am just trying to show with my story that a bad situation can easily happen.
I sympathise with the people here who have posted their concerns for friends. At time of writing, I am also watching one of my friends lose himself to cocaine and speed
::lowman::
[This message has been edited by lowman (edited 17 November 2001).]

I've thought of this thread quite a bit since lowman wrote it. Time it was bumped. A lot of people are probably in a similar situation.