What, if anything, do I keep doing wrong here? (relating to classmates)

This could really go in E&C or TDS too, but I'll put it here in SLR for now.

At every 'school' type setting I've ever found myself in, my relationships with my fellow classmates always get off to a great start, then end up cooling considerably, to the point where I can't wait to GTFO. I'm sick of it, and am smokin' glad I'm now nearing the end of the very last classroom setting I'm likely to ever find myself in (2nd year of medical school). Still, I'm curious to know what the hell I've been doing wrong all these years.

I love to learn and talk about ideas. Every time I've begun a new academic program, I've had a pretty intoxicating-feeling honeymoon period. It just feels so fresh, and it fills me with hope that I'm FINALLY, at long last, among a crowd of people who are 'my kind of people', who'll mostly get me, who I'll be able to be myself around, and whom I'll form lasting bonds. This usually lasts a couple months. During this time I'll be very uninhibited and outgoing, and it'll feel very natural to be this way. (On a personality test given to me at the beginning of med school, I tested as an extrovert, for the first time ever!) At the time, it seems like everyone is doing the same thing, and 'trying people out', as it were.

But then slowly over the course of months, I start to pick up signs that whatever I'm giving off is not keeping most people coming back for more. That is to say, when I settle back down and re-become the introvert I truly am, very few classmates make the effort to keep connecting with me. Is this normal? Because it feels as abnormal as the aforementioned 'honeymoon period' feels normal!

I would have thought that in a program like medical school, I would have made at least a few very tight bonds. But although I'm respected from afar by many, for my writing and poetry skills as well as for my compassion in wanting to become a geriatrician, I've gone many days at school where no one has come up to me between classes and said a word to me.

I'm a very good listener. I always try to make conversations be about the other person, not myself. I'm interested and ask questions. And dammit, if I do say so myself, I'm pretty interesting, and have a lot of thoughtful perspectives on things. That said, I don't joke around much. It's not that I'm depressed or a downer. I'd even say I'm fun loving. But serious. And passionate and intense.

I don't find I've had this problem at workplaces. There, I go in fully comfortable wearing my 'public face' at all times until I clock out. I also am fully comfortable with the prospect of making no close friends at work -- I'm there to make a living, not a social life. Of course if I hit it off with someone, and becoming friends with them is natural, I don't fight this urge. But I don't feel any disappointment if this doesn't happen.

School is different. There, people expect to be themselves some of the time, and to make real friends. And from what I've seen, most seem to.

I have a feeling it has something to do with a flaw in my attitude or my approach. Would it behoove me to be more restrained when I first start a school program? Or to not expect to make friends, as on a job?

I know not every aspect anyone's personality comes through well online. But still, it would be of great value to me to hear from some people on here who've known me for a while. Be brutally frank if you must -- is there something about my general style you could really see being a turnoff in a typical medium-sized group of smart, self-motivated students?

I think if anything, it could be your zen like self awareness. Some people can be really intimidated by people who really 'get it', especially if they don't. Keep in mind that medical school is a real fishbowl kind of world. Its a very conservative field and people may think they're expected to play a certain role to be associate with a certain type.

Also, don't forget that a lot of kids who are strong in academia often really don't have much to say. I've met some really cool cats through my long university career but out of the hundreds of people I've met, there are only a handful that I find myself going out of my way to really keep in my inner circle.

Whats the average age group in your year? I know you're about 30 or so. I think where you're at in life might have something to do with it, you might just be far more ahead in life than many of the youngsters. I'm in my late 20's and I have some friends who are 22 or so but they tend to be the ones with really well rounded personalities. They tend to be the unique people.

From what I gather, you seem like you'd be really easy to get along with. Maybe a lot of the kids have a more conservative background and don't really understand your mindset?

I think you just need to find the right kind of people that mesh with your personality.

No, what you're experiencing is not unusual at all - it's been the bane of my fucking existence in school... ugh...

I don't find I've had this problem at workplaces. There, I go in fully comfortable wearing my 'public face' at all times until I clock out. I also am fully comfortable with the prospect of making no close friends at work -- I'm there to make a living, not a social life. Of course if I hit it off with someone, and becoming friends with them is natural, I don't fight this urge. But I don't feel any disappointment if this doesn't happen.

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The only difference is YOUR approach, not the other people.

Another problem you will always face is that you're a very smart person with a very unorthodox composition - not a lot of people in general would feel comfortable with a place like BL, and certainly the higher up the ladder you go in the school universe, the more you tend to get very conservative people. As I have gotten older, I'd say more people are accepting of my "weirdness" on average (my pink hair throws a lot of people off, lol), but the people that are still put off are more put off than when I was younger, and I notice it more.

It's just hard to make good friends. There's nothing wrong with you.

not that i know any better than you. i didnt even read ur full op. but being urself would be the obvious answer. if they liked the extrovert in u, and then u change, u seem fake and superficial for putting up such a front. maybe if u were an intovert from the beginning then u would attract peers that are similar to urself and those that u can relate to and form these bonds with...

^ Well, as I went to some lengths to explain in my original post, I wasn't *trying* to be an extrovert. It just came naturally to me to want to reach out and be very friendly at the beginning, and this urge slowly dwindled away.

Story of my life.

I will be very friendly and quite extroverted to new people i meet, but i often find myself retreating back into an introverted environment, i struggle with a situation where i wish to be with people, but at the same time wish to be alone.. obviously this is impossible, and i still haven't found a balance that works completley yet..

I notice i have more acquaintances then actual friends, people i'll meet, they know me, brief chats.. but no solid bond. Im un-able to create that effect on people.. because there's still a part of me that wish's to be solitary. It's only within the last 2 months! of 2 years of mixing with people that i'm just starting to get to know people a bit more and them me, very slowly building that bond.

How are you when in the 'honeymoon' period? Are you very chilled.. relaxed? Easy going? I once had a friend who was very philosophical, very passionate and strong on activism.. very interesting person, and he has a knack for drawing new people to him with his wisdom.. but over time those people would loose interest and part ways from him, because he was un-able to just 'have fun', relax or calm his thoughts.. he was intense 24/7.

rant*N*rave said:

It's just hard to make good friends. There's nothing wrong with you.

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Yeah, if you have just 2 or 3 true friends I'd say that's above par. Outgoing, socially popular people tend to have lots of hangers-on and agreeable acquaintances (which can be perfectly nice, and not without its own value, but it's not the same). A passion for ideas is respectable but impersonal (most people seem concerned with people first, then events, then ideas when it comes to relating to each other). I think close relationships build up from a long slow trickle of sharing your own fears and imperfections with others and supporting the continued existence of theirs. People won't trust you just because you listen without making explicit judgments, you need to risk it with them. (If you're a deeply contented person who's lived a happy life it can cause problems, making you seem distant and unreciprocating).

Also, understanding new ideas takes too much effort when someone else sets the pace. We prefer to surround ourselves with people who we have reason to trust will accept our preconceptions for the most part. Because you've directly or indirectly demonstrated (as opposed to paying lip service) your passion and openness for different ideas you seem less trustworthy. Your patient listening to others means less to the talker than if you hadn't made the demonstration since they suspect you may be silently critical of their idea of themselves.

Lastly, being passionate about the same thing together as a large group helps a lot. If you can do something like that with them it would go a long way in keeping up your interactions. I hate watching sports and since I was a young boy have never been able to comprehend how anyone could be so passionate about something so intrinsically meaningless, or to pretend that I care about the outcome of a game without hating myself for it, but it would be so much easier if I could enjoy them. Games are happening all the time and give people an excuse to come together over and over again to root for the same thing. They provide that extended duration together that's typically needed for people who don't necessarily have a lot in common to discover, to their mutual surprise, that they like each other.

You are not doing anything wrong.

You are being yourself.

agreed maybe give a nice smile and a nod wen you see the girl or boy you are interested in

I dont know you at all

but...


I also used to be an extrovert, now im a complete introvert, sometimes because I absolutely hate people and other times because I feel like I have nothing to contribute or just a general feeling of lethargy. Its confusing me. Some people stay away from me because they think I hate them or I always look angry, I dont try to push people away by apearing angry but I just do. Maybe youre just around shitty people that cant appreciate you? Maybe youre just going to have to work around the fact that they dont really like you

psood0nym said:

Lastly, being passionate about the same thing together as a large group helps a lot. If you can do something like that with them it would go a long way in keeping up your interactions. I hate watching sports and since I was a young boy have never been able to comprehend how anyone could be so passionate about something so intrinsically meaningless, or to pretend that I care about the outcome of a game without hating myself for it, but it would be so much easier if I could enjoy them. Games are happening all the time and give people an excuse to come together over and over again to root for the same thing. They provide that extended duration together that's typically needed for people who don't necessarily have a lot in common to discover, to their mutual surprise, that they like each other.

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OP, do you ever see these people outside of the classroom setting? Even if you are "doing everything right" to be a good acquaintance, there is no way you can progress into the friend stage unless you hang out with them outside the rigid confines of school. Group activities are critical to actually lowering the defenses we all put up, and as others have said, the way you think of yourself as a "good listener" may actually be a put-off. Go bowling with the people you want to make connections with. Don't like bowling? Perfect. You're not trying to compete with them, just spend time with them. You can all try and see who gets the worst score, or the most splits and gutterballs. Watching the superbowl is NOT about football-- it's about chips, dip, and laughing at the ridiculous ads together with people. If the only common ground you share is homework and exams, of course these people will not open up and pursue your company.

Try to find out which network TV show (LOST, Chuck, American Dad, whatever) is popular with the people you want to hang out with. Offer to host a watching party for the next new episode and see if you can get people to join you.

Noodle said:

You are not doing anything wrong.

You are being yourself.

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From reading your post I thought the same thing. Initially everybody is going to be very excited, but its medical school, people are there to learn hard. Forming long lasting bonds is not what most people go to medical school for. Everybody's main priority is to do well, and that takes a lot of hard work.

You sound like a really interesting guy to be around, just keep being yourself and eventually someone will catch on. Maybe join some kind of interest group or club, or try to form some sort of study group with your class mates. Try moving your relationships beyond the classroom and you will see better results.

Also remember that you have to be selective in who you form relationships with. Theres no sense in having friends if they are shitty friends.

most people even at the highly educated level dont have ideas of their own, they mostly care about small social cliques and their own personal needs.

while people might look up to you academically, relationships based on academia have never sustained me. i have made friends in school and uni, BUT the best relationships came from a shared love of something else (ussually humour, and jokes/partying).

school might overexcite you but to a lot of people who are far down the higher education path it simply feels like work. it is boring to a lot of people. thats why relaxing activities are best to suggest to people once you have bridged the gap early in the term.

make friends through having fun, therefore the other person must find it fun...

there is nothing wrong with you but you need to find something that YOU and the other person enjoy, find out their interests and ask questions, instead of trying to listen to topics that interest you.

also medical school might just be full of boring people! different types of people go for different things. i personally have found it rare to find doctors who were not boring to talk to...

/bump