terrordactyl
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Jan 12, 2009
- Messages
- 30
Hey everyone, I'm new here so I thought I'd ask how things work. When people post poetry here are they looking for criticism or just sharing for fun? I know how protective people can be of their writing and I didn't want to offend anyone by suggesting improvement. Also I know it can be frustrating sometimes when you're looking to improve a piece and people are afraid of being "mean." Anyway I look forward to reading what people have to offer and thought I'd contribute a little something of my own. I'm always looking for a good critique and suggestions to improve my writing.
Code:
(1)
Machines to break our daily bread replaced
By those on which we feed. A sword, a pen,
The cotton gin, some oil for model Ts.
The sword is forged by fire and ice. The pill
Prepared inoculates, then strengthens some
Disease. The ploughshare thus has benefits
Beyond those first conceived. The plant will eat
The mineral. Successively we teach
That animal and man will follow next.
But last in line the copper tubes, the wires,
The gears and spinning cogs. We have designed,
For benefit, our heirs unto this Earth.
(2)
The cobbled pavement ‘neath my feet that night
I walked through town was lined with darkened pools
Of muck. The streets lay bare as though of fright
And nary was a soul around to eye.
The tonic and the gin on breath,
The dollars clutched, guarded, kept.
Beyond three blocks the den I found. The rule
Of law prevented advertisement there.
But unabashed I ducked inside, and by
My face they knew me there. So with a nod
And fleet of foot downstairs continued I.
The sight was grand and to behold caused joy.
The opium caused plumes of smoke
And not a fellow moved or spoke.
I huddled down to the affair upon
Which that I came. Attendants were abound.
A great relief the poppy gives. Employ
The flower, keep control the best you think
You can. The mistress here cannot be coy.
Know I have rid myself of soul a while.
And with a toke I lay my head
And stretch along provided beds.
What wonders play across my eyes now that
My pain is soothed, but all my monies spent.
