EA-1475
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Mar 31, 2008
- Messages
- 1,665
Relationships, man. They're for the birds. All this boyfriend/girlfriend business. Who needs it?
Let me tell you the trouble with relationships.
If I ever wanted to become a millionaire, I could do it. To become a millionaire, you need a million dollar idea. And I, dear readers, have one.
Let me tell you my million dollar idea.
I start a business, right? And it's called Kittens 4 Life. It's a very simple concept. You come in and sign up. There's a one-time activation fee and a monthly charge thereafter.
And after you fill out all the paperwork, you get a kitten. You go home, you play with your kitten and have a blast. Well, why would anyone pay me for that when you could just go to a pound and get one for free?
Well, you see, when the kitten grows up into a cat, you take it back to Kittens 4 Life, turn him in and then we give you another kitten.
Pretty cool, huh? Well, I've already patented the name so don't even think about it!
Now why this works is simple. Kittens are awesome. Kittens are cute. Kittens are fun. Kitten are amusing and they're amused by you. You get home and kittens are super-jazzed to see you.
But you know the only thing wrong with kittens? They grow up to be cats!
Cats are not cute. Cats are not fun and I can't think of anything less amusing than a cat. They don't come when you call them. And as long as they are well fed, they don't care wether you are home or not. They come when you call their name.
And when you come home from a long hard day at the coal mine, they don't greet you with any warmth. They just walk up and say one thing: "give". Or as they like to put it: "meow".
Gimme food. Gimme a warm lap. GIVE! And you know what happens if you don't give them what they want? They shit all over your laundry!
And that, dear readers, is the trouble with relationships.
You see, when you start seeing someone new, it's like having a new kitten. They're cute. They're fun. They're amusing and they're amused by you. They think about you when you're away and are super-jazzed to see you when you come home.
But as time goes by, things change. Needs change. The novelty wears off. One day it dawns on you, man. You're not dating a kitten anymore.
You're dating a fucking CAT!!!
They're no longer cute. They're no longer amusing and they've long since stopped being amused by you. And when you come home from a long and tiring day at the coal mine, they just walk up to you with hungry eyes and say one thing...
"GIVE!!!"
Now, dear readers, I know what you're thinking at this point. You're thinking the same two questions everyone asks me when I tell them about Kittens 4 Life. So let me go ahead and answer them.
The first question you are thinking is this: Well, why don't you do a Puppies 4 Life.
The answer is simple. It wouldn't work with dogs. You see, while puppies are certainly cuter and more fun than dogs, a dog has a few advantages over a puppy. For one, a dog is house broken whereas a puppy is not.
(Yes, a puppy will crap on your laundry but only because it doesn't that you don't want your laundry crapped upon. If it knew, it wouldn't do it. A cat, on the other hand, will crap on your laundry BECAUSE it knows you don't want it crapped on)
Secondly, a dog will come when you call it. A puppy takes a while to learn his name. And a dog eventually figures out what you do and don't like and tries his doggy best to accomodate you.
So a dog a few legs up on a puppy. Cat, however, is inferior to a kitten in every way imaginable. And that, dear reader, is why a Puppies 4 Life would not work.
And now on to the second question. The one you've been waiting 20 something paragraphs for me to answer.
Here it is:
"What do you do with the cats that get turned back in to you?"
The first few times I was presenteded with this query, I dismissed it outright. "I dunno. Kill 'em maybe. Make meat pies out of them. Invent some feline version soylent green and slang those for a few extra nickles. Who gives a shit?"
Of course, I couldn't keep the cats alive. After a while, I'd have shitloads of cats around the office. They'd be really expensive to feed and there is no way Kittens 4 Life could remain profittable if I did that.
But on further reflection, I realized that these answer were unsatisfactory if I was ever to make Kittens 4 Life work.
You see, dear reader, as they say with prostitutes "you don't pay a hooker for sex, you pay them to go away afterwards"; when a customer signs up with Kittens 4 Life, they wouldn't be paying me for the kitten. They would be paying me to relieve them of the guilt that would normally go along with giving up their cat.
So here is my solution for what to do with the cats that get turned into me. I tell them that I send them off to live with a farmer who has a serious mouse problem on his farm. I send them letters periodically showing pictures of the cat with his new master. Some action pictures of Mr. Cat chasing pesky mouses around the farm.
All these pictures would be photoshopped. In reality, the feline would become Soylent Cat Green almost immediately after being turned back in.
So there's your second question.
Earlier, I said that new relationships were like having a kitten. Old one were like having a fucking cat. But there is one difference.
There's no guilt to be had when giving up a person. Because guess what?
When you give up a person, they get to be a kitten again for somebody else.
Happiness, dear reader, is always have a kitten.
A kitten for life.
Let me tell you the trouble with relationships.
If I ever wanted to become a millionaire, I could do it. To become a millionaire, you need a million dollar idea. And I, dear readers, have one.
Let me tell you my million dollar idea.
I start a business, right? And it's called Kittens 4 Life. It's a very simple concept. You come in and sign up. There's a one-time activation fee and a monthly charge thereafter.
And after you fill out all the paperwork, you get a kitten. You go home, you play with your kitten and have a blast. Well, why would anyone pay me for that when you could just go to a pound and get one for free?
Well, you see, when the kitten grows up into a cat, you take it back to Kittens 4 Life, turn him in and then we give you another kitten.
Pretty cool, huh? Well, I've already patented the name so don't even think about it!
Now why this works is simple. Kittens are awesome. Kittens are cute. Kittens are fun. Kitten are amusing and they're amused by you. You get home and kittens are super-jazzed to see you.
But you know the only thing wrong with kittens? They grow up to be cats!
Cats are not cute. Cats are not fun and I can't think of anything less amusing than a cat. They don't come when you call them. And as long as they are well fed, they don't care wether you are home or not. They come when you call their name.
And when you come home from a long hard day at the coal mine, they don't greet you with any warmth. They just walk up and say one thing: "give". Or as they like to put it: "meow".
Gimme food. Gimme a warm lap. GIVE! And you know what happens if you don't give them what they want? They shit all over your laundry!
And that, dear readers, is the trouble with relationships.
You see, when you start seeing someone new, it's like having a new kitten. They're cute. They're fun. They're amusing and they're amused by you. They think about you when you're away and are super-jazzed to see you when you come home.
But as time goes by, things change. Needs change. The novelty wears off. One day it dawns on you, man. You're not dating a kitten anymore.
You're dating a fucking CAT!!!
They're no longer cute. They're no longer amusing and they've long since stopped being amused by you. And when you come home from a long and tiring day at the coal mine, they just walk up to you with hungry eyes and say one thing...
"GIVE!!!"
Now, dear readers, I know what you're thinking at this point. You're thinking the same two questions everyone asks me when I tell them about Kittens 4 Life. So let me go ahead and answer them.
The first question you are thinking is this: Well, why don't you do a Puppies 4 Life.
The answer is simple. It wouldn't work with dogs. You see, while puppies are certainly cuter and more fun than dogs, a dog has a few advantages over a puppy. For one, a dog is house broken whereas a puppy is not.
(Yes, a puppy will crap on your laundry but only because it doesn't that you don't want your laundry crapped upon. If it knew, it wouldn't do it. A cat, on the other hand, will crap on your laundry BECAUSE it knows you don't want it crapped on)
Secondly, a dog will come when you call it. A puppy takes a while to learn his name. And a dog eventually figures out what you do and don't like and tries his doggy best to accomodate you.
So a dog a few legs up on a puppy. Cat, however, is inferior to a kitten in every way imaginable. And that, dear reader, is why a Puppies 4 Life would not work.
And now on to the second question. The one you've been waiting 20 something paragraphs for me to answer.
Here it is:
"What do you do with the cats that get turned back in to you?"
The first few times I was presenteded with this query, I dismissed it outright. "I dunno. Kill 'em maybe. Make meat pies out of them. Invent some feline version soylent green and slang those for a few extra nickles. Who gives a shit?"
Of course, I couldn't keep the cats alive. After a while, I'd have shitloads of cats around the office. They'd be really expensive to feed and there is no way Kittens 4 Life could remain profittable if I did that.
But on further reflection, I realized that these answer were unsatisfactory if I was ever to make Kittens 4 Life work.
You see, dear reader, as they say with prostitutes "you don't pay a hooker for sex, you pay them to go away afterwards"; when a customer signs up with Kittens 4 Life, they wouldn't be paying me for the kitten. They would be paying me to relieve them of the guilt that would normally go along with giving up their cat.
So here is my solution for what to do with the cats that get turned into me. I tell them that I send them off to live with a farmer who has a serious mouse problem on his farm. I send them letters periodically showing pictures of the cat with his new master. Some action pictures of Mr. Cat chasing pesky mouses around the farm.
All these pictures would be photoshopped. In reality, the feline would become Soylent Cat Green almost immediately after being turned back in.
So there's your second question.
Earlier, I said that new relationships were like having a kitten. Old one were like having a fucking cat. But there is one difference.
There's no guilt to be had when giving up a person. Because guess what?
When you give up a person, they get to be a kitten again for somebody else.
Happiness, dear reader, is always have a kitten.
A kitten for life.
