I'm Frightened I'm Fucked I'm Soulless

I'm a long time lurker. I've been reading this site almost daily since 2005. Tonight I finally have the courage to tell you what I've known for the last three years. I'm a drug addict. I want to show how I got there. If it helps even a handful of people to not repeat the same mistakes I did I will be humbled.

I'm Jay, I was a friend, a brother, a lover and a son. Then I discovered my real love Oxycontin. In 2005 I hurt my back helping a friend move. I immediately felt a sear of pain down my lower back and left leg. An MRI revealed a disc herniation at S1 L5. My Dr immediately prescribed the pain killer percocet. One to be taken every 6 hours. The First couple times I took one at a time and then by the end of the week I was taking eight a day! I loved these pills they took my shyness away, For the first time I felt confident around people. My friends saw the change and thought I was more fun. I had found my miracle.

My girlfriend Sharlene started to notice I was slurring my words as I was now taking ten percs a day. She would say "Jay what's wrong with you. You're taking way too many of the pills." Being a nurse she saw the signs but probably ignored them because she loved me. Following the back surgery I recovered quite quickly but still complained of back pain because i couldn't bare to be without my new shining star. To my amazement the Dr said I'm worried about the amount of tylenol you're ingesting I'm going to prescribe oxycontin. I played it cool but i was smiling inside high fiving myself. He prescribed one 10mg pill twice a day as needed.

As the days continued my friends who were once by my side began to dwindle. I didn't feel like going to the gym, or the movies, or restaurants or parks. I was more comfy just getting high and watching tube or on the computer 24/7. I still had Sharlene though, she was still with me, she was loyal. Time passed and Sharlene was calling me less and less and taking longer to respond to my phone messages. As we approach the end of 2007 my daily consumption of oxy was 100 mg's a day. Sharlene had had enough. She asked me days before she left "What my five year plan was?" I said "Well to be happy and living with you." Her response "I've thought about this a lot more than you have Jay." She was right and soon she was gone to.

Fast forward to February of 2008. My Oxy habit is up to over 130 mgs. to not get sick. I'm not making it into work, I lose my job and eventually have to move home with my parents at the age of 27. Soon after my DR has decided to taper me off the meds. Only I don't follow the taper and am out of pills in a matter of days.

Fuck! I'm sick! Three days without my dear shining star. I'm sweating,hot,cold,restless, sore. I'm desperate I call an old contact of mine that sold me weed a couple years earlier. I call the number is ringing and he has a pill contact. Except i'm paying street prices now and stealing from the only two people left on earth who love me, my own parents. My father found out and kicked me out. A few months later I saw Sharlene and she was laughing and walking with one of my other friends who drifted away. They're engaged now.

I'm scared, I'm homeless and not sure where to turn to. I can post on the internet at this cafe for free if i buy a coffee. Oxycontin, you stole my pride,my one true love and most importantly the people who brought me into this world.

Hi Jay,

A warm welcome and thanks for sharing your story. There's a lot of good people in here who can relate and who can help.

Stealing from your parents to support a habit you know quite well can do you in for good is clearly not the course of action you can continue taking. So, what is?

NA works for some people and as far as I know is free. If you find shelter at a place for folks in transition, they can likely point you toward a local chapter. If you aren't into that idea, then there are definitely alternatives. I find almost anywhere one goes, even if one isn't a person of faith, clergypeople have a good number of resources at their disposal, not to mention access to free meals.

What not to do: beat yourself up. It's not the mistakes you make that count as much as making amends to others and forgiving yourself. That crappy job you thought you'd never have to take might provide you with structure and support. I cannot stress enough the value of structure and routine while beating an addiction. Many a restless mind has relapsed over the years from the boredom of feeling useless and without purpose. Find a purpose. Even if it's just a simple one.

No easy answers, but know that many here have been in your position and somehow manage to get through the day. If you feel comfortable enough to post your general location, maybe one of use reading this can link you to a resource for help.

Best of luck getting back on your feet as soon as possible. The past is gone; while you may be sad and feel lonely and helpless, you can get clean again. You just need a reason. And that reason is you.

What a well written piece this is. I almost have a tear in my eye. I have walked the same road. First it was the Vicodin. My shyness was gone. A new person was born. I expressed myself. I enjoyed interacting with people. I was a changed person. The 2 Vicodin turned into 4. The 4 turned into 8. Then came the H. I was getting laid, had a social life for once, and couldnt have been happier. Then flash forward 2 years. My $100 a day H habit had left me with no friends and absolutely no money. If not for the help of my generous and caring family I would be in your same shoes. I am so sorry this happened to you. If you can just ride out the next 6 days and not go try to score you will get through this. Go back home clean and bare your soul to your parents. They will understand that it was your addiction that led to you stealing from those you love. Get clean friend. Its a horrible withdrawal but it will be over soon. Just walk the streets until you get tired then sit down to rest. Drink water. Keep walking and walking. Im just picturing your homeless situation thats why i picture walking around being of great benefit. You will want to score. You will panhandle, steal, and beg if you let yourself. Fight this. You are young. You have your whole life ahead of you. Your parents will forgive you and help you get back on your feet. Ive been clean for 2 years and I can promise you that after the first month of sobriety you will feel better than you have for many years. Dont listen to your mind. The drugs have a grip on it right now. Dont end up in jail. Just walk and walk and walk some more. If youre on day 3 then you are through the worst of it. Keep us updated if you can. You are a great writer and clearly have a good education behind you. You are too young to give up on life. Be strong and good luck..................

sean

thats a really sad story, jay
but u can turn this around if u want to
oxycontin can only fuck ur life up so much - the rest of the fuckage is urs
and i know that sounds harsh, but trust me, id luv to say methamphetamine (my DOC) fucked up my life, and it did......but i chose to keep on using it and not getting help once i realised i was addicted
do u want to live life again? get ur parents back - and maybe some of ur friends?
then get help.....so many ways to do that!
id say PM me but i know u cant
here are the solutions to ur problem:
-go to rehab (maybe ask if ur parents will pay for u and u can pay them back - u might b surprised how they react wen they find out u want to help urself!)
-live in a halfway house for awhile with other ppl trying to stay clean
-start going to a 12-step fellowship, just to try it out (i never thought id like NA cos of the word 'god' but trust me, its not 'that kind of god')
-go to drug counselling for as long as u need to
first u will probly need to detox, so u need to go thru a medical detox centre and b tapered off using suboxone - cold turkey is sumthing ive never done and i cant imagine doing......it was hard enough with suboxone (ive come off opiates too)
if u have the burning desire to fix ur life up, mate, itll happen!
seriously, u write well - i had tears in my eyes towards the end of ur story
uve burned most of ur bridges by the sound of it......plz get help
dont die for a shitty little pill!
take care

I have no advice as my life, although not being where you are, isn't what I want it to be either. I just wanted you to know that I hear your pain, you aren't suffering in silence. People here can be angels of mercy if you let them. Hope things start to look up for you.

5 people have viewed your thread and 4 people have responded in a matter of minutes. You expressed yourself in a such a heartfelt way. Your writing skills are extremely strong. You have too much going for you to not become who you were supposed to become. This path that you have taken can turn positive. You can end up helping others in a few years. Not just helping but getting paid well to help others. So many avenues will open up for you if you can beat the opiates. its so hard. Ive relapsed so many times. but you can and must do it. Score some suboxone and do a quick taper. You are at a crossroads. You have chosen to spend $2 on a cup of coffee instead of hoarding it for a dime bag of H as so many people in your position would be doing. Chose your next path wisely. There are about 7 different roads you can travel now. Unfortunately there is only 1 road that will lead you where you need to go. Take your time and decide your path. Your parents will take you back. Im looking forward to your response as I hope you are still in the cafe safe and sound. stay strong.....................................................................

^actually ur a gd write too grayplanet
and i agree with u 100% on evrything uve written

Yes listen to these people DownwardPlane ^ They are wise and they have been through it, you can get through it too. Sending a big hunk'o'love your way comrade!

I'm overwhelmed by the compassion and thought expressed here by everyone. To see all these responses this morning makes me feel like i'm not in a neverending spiral of quicksand with no solution except to close my eyes.

Last night was a long one both in my thoughts and in time. I didn't sleep a whole lot. I found some refuge inside a bus terminal for a few hours. Wondering how I had officially arrived at my bottom. There is no silver lining, it is what it is. I didn't try and score, no energy to do so and no will. Reality has set in now. Feeling very sick at the moment. I threw up quite a few times last night. So many flashbacks of what was with Sharlene. Thinking of those times waking up together, smiling at one another. That's gone now, the sooner I can block those thoughts out the better my physic will be.

I know I don't want to live like this anymore. I've never been a religious man but I look upward hoping I have the courage to pull things together. So beaten down, so ashamed. I'm going to look in the yellow pages for treatment centres today. I hope there is room for one more lost soul at the inn.

Thanks again everyone. Your hope in me has brought tears to my eyes.

Jay

I know how hard it can suck to be withdrawling from stuff bro. But it goes away soon. Remeber that, and just keep on soldering up. The withdrawls are done in days/week. The respect and love of your parents, if lost, may never come back.

I know it damn hurts and your sick, and you got the shits and the chills, but you seem like a decent, good guy. Let the good guy in you stand up and take it like a man and stop stealing.

Good ideaon finding a treatment plan as well. Find one that works for you, and stick to it.

you can do it bro.

Downwardplane I hope you've reached your low and it's up from here on in because you seem like a nice person and a testament to the statement: 'there, but for the grace of God, go I'. Can you get on Methadone or Suboxone? The reason I suggest this is because breaking an addiction is about wanting to get off not having to get off. Lots of people have to stop using for example in Prison, but get back on the train as soon as circumstances allow. I only stopped doing drugs when all the money was gone and there was nothing left to sell, I didn't want to stop. Methadone helped me.
Praying for you.

Keep your chin up Jay! I was addicted to oxy for 2 yrs and stealing the pills from my father. I got some methadone and tappered off a sometimes 100mg a day habit, you can too and get your life back. There were times when I posted on here too, feeling just as desperate and hopeless. I thought the oxy was helping me, and it did to a certain degree but then it clouded my judgement and made me a junkie. I'm proud to be almost 2 yrs clean.

Good luck,

Shootingstar

I feel for you Jay... That was so beautiful and honest. My prayers and best wishes to you and hopefully from this bottom everything goes up. Best of luck to you.

Wow that was a really sad story. I'm sorry you're going through all of that Jay. I guess the question is if this really is your bottom. Some people continue to abuse even at rock bottom. I hope you have the strength to overcome your addiction and start moving up in your life.

My boyfriend started staying home and stopped calling me about a month before his OD. I know how Sharlene feels too except I didn't know he was abusing Oxy. I can tell you that people who aren't addicts don't understand and you hurt them, but they will forgive you if you can turn it around.

Go and seek treatment - from the tone of your post you've clearly about had enough.

Good luck with it

Three days without my dear shining star.

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That has got to be the saddest thing I have ever read on Bluelight.ru. DP, I cannot relate to the place you are at but I know that many of the above posters have dealt with this extensively, either through their own experience, or a loved ones. Please follow their advice and get treatment.

YOU CAN DO THIS! YOU CAN BEAT IT!

i havent read whole thread but jay manngg' check out Suboxone, sorry if repeating.

It's sunny today and I'm thankful for that. Life feels like a movie to me with all the actors playing their parts while I stand on the sidelines observing them. I'm living but i'm not in life. I went to my first NA meeting last night. The woman running it gave me a big long hug when she saw me. It was wonderful to be embranced again. I shared my story with others from my own lips which was a great leap of faith as I don't trust easily. I talked after the meeting with a man named Tucker. He had the look of a man that had lived many lives and seen too much in his time. He encouraged me like so many of you have. Telling me of his long hard road with Heroin. It was such a theraputic experience to open that first door and crawl through it.

I still hurt so much physically as i'm on my third day without my nemisis Oxy. It pales in comparison to the damage I've inflicted on myself emotionally. Fragile like a gust of wind would send me flying for miles. It's one step at a time and I know that. My heart aches so hard, for the opportunities lost.

I found a bed in a shelter last night. I slept with one eye open as the bus terminal almost seemed safer the night before. Was mostly awake with my thoughts until they turned the lights on at 7 am. I will look into trying to get a DR to prescribe me some Suboxone soon. The depression is the problem right now. My will to live is nonexistant as I have nothing but my name, a virtual tug of war. So far I'm holding on.

^Losing everything (or as NA et al. call it, "hitting bottom") is sometimes the only way to take back your life. Open yourself to the possibilities your future can bring you.

Your will to live, for example, is strong enough to enable you to stay alone in a bus terminal -- a situation I would consider intolerably dangerous in which I would almost surely crack or be harmed.

For now, since all you have is your name, do the right thing (you've put a big dent in this in seeking help) and make it a good name that you are proud to say.

oxy didnt do anything to you.

you did.