suicide - the only escape?

Dear bluelighters,

warning: this may seem like alot of rambling but i'm just writing my thoughts. thanks for taking your time to read my post.

I come to you in a time of need. At this point in my life, I feel like I am going nowhere. I'm a junior in highschool - I've never had a serious girlfriend, I don't give a damn about school, (even though somehow i've managed to keep a 3.4) my friends talk sh*t about me and nothing seems to be going right in my life. In fact, the only thing that is consistant in my life is my drug use. I'm not a hardcore druggy, but i've been taking benzos for about 2 years, and smoking a hell of alot of weed.

I am going completely insane. I find it hard to talk to even my best friend these days, as I've grown extremely anxious about even the silliest situations. I don't know whats wrong with me, somethings changed though. the only time I feel that I can communicate with people in a normal manner is when im high on benzos. its the only thing that gives me the confidence to speak my mind, and as much as I may seem like an idiot sometimes, I'd rather anything than being sober. I told my psychiatrist most of this, and he hasn't been much help. he prescribed me zoloft, which compeltely killed my libido. then he put me on Wellbutrin which also caused me to commit suicide, and now I'm on lexapro, which doesn't seem to be helping much.

More about my benzo usage: I've been taking ativan (2mg pills) for about a year. before that I was eating 10mg valiums. It all started with a bottle of my brother's xanax, and now i'm hooked. I find its the only thing thats on my mind throughout the schoolday. either how i'm looking forward to my next dosage, or how im enjoying my current dose. I knew what I was getting myself into a year ago, i've been browsing these forums for a long time. I knew they were addictive, and I knew the withdrawals can be deadly. I knew beginning this habit I was playing with fire, and now i'm burnt. i'm a burnout. in school im either complaining about how much i wanna leave, or sleeping. (sober)

Now to top it all off, i find myself thinking about suicide. I think that its the only escape to this cruel world. in fact, the only thing stopping me from doing it right now is I don't want to hurt my mother. I understand this type of thinking is wrong, but its uncontrollable. its the only thing I can think of doing to end my seemingly endless torment. that or more benzos. I can't stand this life, I find myself hoping that maybe I just won't wake up. maybe I'll get in a car crash and i'll be set free.

Someone help me, I don't know how much longer I can endure these thoughts, and this shitty existence

Stop taking the meds, keep smoking weed. Go to a green field and eat five grams of mushrooms look up to the sky and say "show me."

Well suicide is certainly an escape from this cruel world, but so would be kicking it Thoreau style and being a hermit who lives in the woods. Sounds silly but I think about that sometimes when I am really depressed, because living like that would take away most of the things that get me down in the first place. But than again, I don't mind the solitude, if you do than that obviously is not the answer for you.

And also, if you love the weed so much, make sure you find a nice isolated place in the woods to live, and smoke up all you want and enjoy nature. That should do wonders to make you happy and appreciate the beauty of life.

pyrrhicvictory

As for me I would like to ask how close you and your mother are? I mean, do you guys have a good relationship? Are your parents still together or is your mother doing it on her own? What things do you enjoy, I mean do you have any sibblings or close family to you? I need to get a little more back ground so we can chat a minute.....

Try Psychedelics, seriously.

They aren't addicting, non-toxic to the body, etc and Psychedelics have a very positive impact on many peoples lives including helping to quit previous addictions.

Get a few hits of acid and have a blast.

i disagree to some degree, smoking pot when i was severly depressed only increased my sucidial thoughts, i quit the SSRI's, and dropped the pot head friends that didn't care about me other than if i had chip in's for a bag... If you are willing to drop the Benzo's, maybe try one week without the weed too. If it gets too much i do agree with the mushrooms idea, or if you are able.. grab a dose of molly and see how beautiful the world can be while rolling.

Me and a group of my friends were planning to try acid... I've shroomed before and it was a truely enlightening experience, you really think acid is a good idea though? Look what it did to syd...

and Stella: I used to have a really good relationship with my mom but over the last year its really deterirorated. i like to blame it on the drugs. I have two brothers, 1 who is autistic. My other brother lives in california so I don't get to talk to him much anymore though. I miss him man, he slapped me around, kept me in line. I wish he'd move back.

CrazyDiamond0107 said:

Me and a group of my friends were planning to try acid... I've shroomed before and it was a truely enlightening experience, you really think acid is a good idea though? Look what it did to syd...

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Syd was by no means a Psychonaut.

Abuse drugs and they'll abuse you.

yeah, you're right. Syd had preexisting mental problems, but if you think about it... so do I. no schizophrenia or anything but I'm a crazy guy! just watching out anyway

You're only problem is you're addicted to benzo's. Man up and go to rehab, or slowly wean yourself off. It sounds like you are going into mania because of withdrawal, that's all this is.

Don't take acid, that is a very moronic idea for you right now (you might kill yourself just to get out of a manic acid high). I say this being a supporter of psychedelic therapy too. Ketamine would probably be a safer one for you at this time.

Just concentrate on getting off the benzo's, it's not easy but you are young so you still have plenty of time to fuck them biatches :D

Yeah, I agree man. I want to quit these benzos, but I feel like I've taken so many that its become my personality. i wish i could find a way to relieve my anxiety without pills. without them in social situations im a freak.

and just a little extra about weed, I don't even really enjoy it anymore. in fact, it usually induces my anxiety. I just do it because I can, and I don't have many other things to do.

seeing as you are already addicted to tranqulizers you should probably avoid getting into ketamine...

and i highly doubt psychadellics will magically cure your depression/depandancy

my only advice is to slowly wean yourself off the benzos and then slowly stop smoking pot...

small steps though

and yea...life may be shitty, but there are good things about it...and if you kill yourself then that's it man...you don't get to expirience any of the good stuff ever again...

staypuft, if I give up benzos and weed I don't think there'll be anything to look forward to anymore. sad but true, yeah.

my only advice is to slowly wean yourself off the benzos and then slowly stop smoking pot...

small steps though

^
i agree.it won't be so hard to fix since you are young.

CrazyDiamond0107 said:

staypuft, if I give up benzos and weed I don't think there'll be anything to look forward to anymore. sad but true, yeah.

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Only because you've allowed your life to become so boring in the first place! Think of all the great shit you can do when you're not drugged all the time just to feel normal!!!

I used to be so anxious and paranoid that I couldn't even order a pizza delivery. I literally couldn't even pick up the phone because the idea of talking to a stranger scared the living shit out of me. I was a shy-ass, boring motherfucker because I lived in fear of everyone at all times. Where the fuck is the fun in that? So one day I decided that the bullshit was over. I sucked it up, and forced myself to start talking to people. I don't mean like sitting down with a complete stranger and having a half hour conversation or anything, you have to start with baby steps. I started by trying to say hi to people three times a day. Just hi, that's it. Then I bumped it up to five. Then after I was able to do that, I started trying to make small talk with a couple people each day. Then it was on to *gasp* ordering delivery food and talking with random people in school and at concerts or in line for whatever. And eventually it all got really easy. People who meet me now would NEVER in a million years guess that I'm actually "the shy girl." It's usually quite the opposite. Once you hit a certain threshold, it all becomes easy, and it's really, really liberating. Then you can really have fun.

Every once in a while I still get nervous pangs, especially when making phone calls (I don't know why that was always a trigger with me) or if I'm talking to someone I don't know well one-on-one, but the feelings fade and pass, and it's like it never happened. No trauma afterwards like there used to be... No it isn't easy, but yes, it is worth it.

Suicide is about the most selfish thing in the world you hurt everyone who loves you when all you can think about is how bad your life is . Think about how bad other people all over the world have it then compare it to your life. You only have 1 chance in this world make it better for yourself only you can do it. Trust me theres always a brighter day

Therapy! Have you been seeing a counsellor/psychotherapist or anyone similar? You need to talk about everything and clear it up in your head.

I would aim to cut down on the weed, then start weaning yourself off benzos. Imo it would be the weed that was contributing to your anxiety and social problems.

Try to think about what you want so you have something to work towards. You need something to focus on, whether it be school, doing well in exams, meeting new people, spending more times with friends, playing a sport, getting fit, socialising with girls etc etc. This way you can help distract yourself from a life revolving around drugs. This isn't going to be easy though, as you say you have been taking benzos for 2 years or so.

There is also the question of whether your antidepressent is contributing to your suicidal idealation, seeing as SSRIs can increase suicidal behavior. Your G.P/psychiatrist should be monitoring this though.

All the best, and I'm sorry you're in such a hard place at the moment

bro therapy + look at the bright side of everything.. i once considered suicide.. but once u start looking at the world with a open mind u realise that you can start a new life and meet new people and escape from drugs and atleast moderate your use. suicide seems like the easy way out but thats ebcause your looking at the world with a narrow view bro. peace. and stay safe.

if it were possible to live a chemical free life...

one thing i have learned is that there maybe reasons to commit suicide, hundreds of them im sure. but not one of them worth it. dying for a cause ? kamikaze for example, well, that can be argued til your blue in the face. noble ? maybe. but then again, you wouldnt be able to enjoy the spoils of victory if your dead can you.

the only differance between suicide and martyrdom is the press coverage.

please consider...