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-help please- Wanting it wrong

K

Khadijah

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Dec 18, 2003
Messages
16,368
Does anybody sometimes just crave that "wrong"?
whether it is fuckin shit up that u know is gonna cause problems w/the law or other people, that feeling of doing shit that puts you in a spot where it could go either way
Or doing shit that u know youre sick but its too good, u get a perverse pleasure out of it like knowin its wrong
like the feeling u get when u fantasise in depth about givin up and purposely slippin back to a drug u stopped
or actually taking the step and doing it
or when u first started shooting it seeing it happen and u know your in a decline
***but its givin your life this certain kind of energy undercurrent thats keepin u on the edge and givin u some kind of twisted thrills***
makes u feel like youre alive even tho u can tell part of u is dying, and getting off on that too?
seeing someone all skinny and shit obviously cuz of drugs and seeing it as kind of sexy (this is really fuckin with me cuz i normally love big g-lookin guys, kinda the opposite)

well if u think im a fucked up crazy ass bitch cause of feeling this way maybe i am
thats why im asking if anyone else feels me...
i think im just goin crazy
craving the fucked up life i used to have but lately this feelin is so strong im doing shiti wouldnt normally do (or would do back in the day but now know is reckless) and wanting more

am i not wanting to "get better"? sometimes i feel more natural when everything is wrong
holla help me out if u can, is this only me?
 
sounds like your a problem solver which if not finely tuned can cause its your own problems. Then you are equipped to find teh solutions to your decisions. Then there are alot of people in prison wishing they had made different decisions
 
seeing someone all skinny and shit obviously cuz of drugs and seeing it as kind of sexy
Click to expand...

I love the waify dope look for girls


I have a hard time followoing what you are saying but yes I definetly crave the lifestyle of the illicit contraband narcotica lifestyle, its sick in a weird way but I just deal with it.
 
Exactly what got me here honey. The thrill of watching it all fall down is one i've enjoyed for years...
 
When I had serious depression like 5 years ago, and smoked pot everyday, I would sometimes not even smoke for fun, but I'd just try to test my body to see how much I could take. I just wanted to die sometimes but couldn't go through with it. But I'd seriously just test myself to see how much I could take, and it was not fun.
So yes I know about feeling something like what you mentioned. I definitely didn't deal with problems well in the past but I've learned a lot from all the shit I went through at least.
 
lacey you ever thought of extreme sports or something - that will give you the thrill.

yeah, sounds like you work best under pressure and maybe like a challenge.


yeah ther is something ... fascinating about the underworld type narcoic lifestyle, yes, but it's also a pain in the arse!!!
far too unreliable. IME.

as for choking, yeah that last bit of your post - I know what you mean. I guess I remember when I was at my lowest and everything was going wrong and I was off my face every day and everything it did give me the little extra charge of feeling like I was surviving, like I was strong you know? but also felt comfortable in it because it was what I was used to and I was surviving that and was far too scared of the outside sober world as I couldnt imagine being equipped for that so... felt happy when things were wrong. and love the skinny waif girl thing. sigh. those were the days! haha. so yes I can relate to that. now that I am off gear, I want everything to be right because I dont want to fall back into everything being wrong again.
 
I can relate with most of your post lacey.

I think the life I live is sexy as fuck.
 
I can totally relate.

I am falling back in the gambling hole and it is really starting to piss me off. I KNOW it's fucked, I KNOW I am wasting money, I KNOW that I'm gonna be fucking pissed off with myself afterwards, but if I'm drinking and their are poker machines around it's getting harder and harder to stop myself. I want my fucking willpower back. I went for 5 fucking years without playing a machine. FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!

If you can't tell I'm getting extremely pissed off at myself here... but hey, back on topic, it is difficult to resist all the time, but you need to. You KNOW where you have been. Focus on that. Focus on how fucked up your life was, and do everything in your power to pull yourself back towards living your life a better way (better is completely subjective here...)

The temptation to just say: 'fuck it, I want it, lets go' is sometimes too strong to bear. Realise that we are human, and we do fuck up, we do relapse. But you hold onto your knowledge that you can live clean. You have done it before and you can do it again.

CB :)
 
can you drink in a different bar with no machines? just curious.

the life isnt sexy as far as I think, it's dirty and it's unreliabe and it's underhand and it is self destructive.

do not underestimate the power of the dark side!

but of course there is comfort there and something that other people dont have. for that it is sexy.
 
really? sigh! or else you got to go to the bar with your woman who will want you to sit and talk life with her and will nag you if you leave her sitting there and nag you if you watch the game on tv and nag you if you dont talk life with her! I am sure that wont fail!! hahaha.

or go out with only a small amount of money and leave your wallet home, that will help - you got no money, you go home.
 
AxL BLaZe said:
I can relate with most of your post lacey.
I think the life I live is sexy as fuck.
Click to expand...

i know what u mean, well to me it aint sexy like sexually atractive like making you attractive liek a balla, playa, etc. drawing peopel to them or whatever, or sexy like wanna fuck
its sexy in the way like the energy it gives u is the same as the energy u get when u are in that erotic kind of back and forth game with somebody before u get with them - the uncertainty, temptation, that tension thats makin everything feel liek theres an invisible current going thru everything you do

Well the funny shit is the lifestyle or whatev youall are talking about is tru, but it aint what im talkin about cuz thats old shit, i live that anyway lived liek that before i did the shit, it dont have that "charged" atmosphere and that is the thing whats realllly getting me is the "decline" feeling, the slippin

u get a feeling of abandon like life is so interesting cause you can do whatever you want cause u dont give a damn about a thang...."fun" is really the last word 4 it tho.....
to put in not-seriously, i feel a litlle like keanu reaves in "the devils advocate" - the feeling of doin something BAD man....and it feels so good
"remember...pressure....this is what we talked about...."
Like its good to be damnded
 
I hear ya for sure ... things have been going pretty damn well for me this year so far, but i'm dying for a chance to fuck it up. I'm keepin myself outta trouble mostly, but can't help but dream of being able to return to my old junkie lifestyle ... and now i'm even thinking up new things to do, criminal schemes and the like, things I never would have done before, just to keep myself occupied and feel better.

I get off on being down sometimes ... I keep drinking, and doing things to ensure I'll feel needlessly angry/depressed, it must trip some masochistic circuit deep inside me that likes feeling this way.

Other than drinking I'm straigher than I've been in years, yet keep purposely trying to throw myself off course .. whether its saying shit I shouldn't say at work, not givin fuck all about school, laughing at my mates' misery and misfortunes, or whatever. Hell, thats probably why I come around here too. With enough practice I could force myself to be ignorant and happy, but apparently that's not what turns me on.
 
Werd. This feeling is the bane of my existance (or is it, I wouldn't be me without it.) I'll be sitting studying for a chem midterm, then I'll decide to go out and smoke weed and chill for an hour, come back, and spend like 5 hours studying something that would normally take me 2, getting far too little sleep that night. I know I shouldn't do it, but I get off on the thrill of thinking I'm 'hardcore.' Actually, that isn't quite the right word to use, but you get my drift.

A while ago, I just decided to do everything possible bad to my body. I ate fast food all the time, drank like a fish, didn't sleep enough, subsisted on coffee, did drugs, and worked out to the point of detriment to my body. Why? Don't know, but I think its a feeling similar to what you described.

The thing is, once I 'conform' and begin to excel at life, I get 'itchy.' I want to do something stupid. I want to fuck something up. I don't feel comfortable in my skin.

Of course, this is alleviated by partying hard for a day or 2 about once every two weeks (the rest of my time is usually spent studying), but I still get 'itchy' and want to do something stupid.

I don't know if this is like your feeling, but it seems similar.

(Shit I gotta keep this post count!!!)
 
I definitly find 'life in the fast lane' attractive. I keep my shit under control for the most part these days, but as you were saying the pure energy you get from the game I find to be as addictive as the drugs themselfs.
 
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