Addicted to the scene: then swallowed whole

I've had a horrid week, the come down from hell, and i wonder why i do it to myself . . .
It's all about fun, entertainment, youth, exploration etc, but what happens when it's not fun anymore? when the good outweighs the bad?
When it takes so much, and then the come down is murder. you can't afford it but you have to do it. How do you justify the expense, financially, mentally, physically??
and then no one understands but those who are in it too?
i thought i'd reached this point, where it had swallowed me whole and i had to get out,
i decided once to stop taking pills (and other drugs because i thought they fucked me up) and i changed nearly everything in my life, friends, location, studies, attitude, interests, but i was left with this mass hole like something was missing and this horrid fear that i didn't know who i was anymore, and then that itching temtation . . . and somehow i slipped back in to the scene, but in a different way, as a different person, now though it seems as though i'm back to where i was before but worse . . .
i talked to a guy on new years who said he borrowed $400 just for the night. and that was around what most people i knew (and me)were spending.
on an big night, say $50-$70 ticket, $150-$200 drugs . . . how do you justify this?? unless of course you do this once a month and have a good job, but most people i know are students who let things slip and slide just to be able to do this.
Is this in the pursuit of fun? merely a product of youth?? or is this something deeper, more sinister?
Is there some kind of mental if not physical addiction that keeps us coming back for more. Haven't you thought 'just one more sick event and i'll settle down' and doesn't there just seem to be one more exellent pill that you just have to try.
or am i just in the late comedown stage of intense paranoia . . . .
------------------
"That which fulfills me . . . destroys me"

When the voices in your head start to sound eerily like your conscience, it's sometimes good to have a long hard think about where your priorities lie.

like i say to many of my friends, especially those who wont go out if they "don't have any money for drugs"
it costs nothing to dance
and if the only places u can get into totally rip u off with entry prices
do one of the following: win tickets, get to know the owners or workers or just get a job reviewer clubs
some will say easier said and done
but u can do anything if u set your mind to it
and u might as well benefit from it too
------------------
'just wait until this song is finished then i'll go '

I count myself fortunate that I'm married. My wife keeps me in check, where I would probably totally fuck myself up if it was up to me sometimes.
cc
------------------
What goes around comes around.
Work like you don't need the money.
Love like you've never been hurt.
Dance like nobody's watching.

i think the trick is, not to take things too seriously.
Dont forget, the generation above us, and the generation above them have all done this before, so dont think that our generation is the drugged fucked gen thats not going anywhere except that depths of paranoia hell.
I went too far on NYE. I can be honest. 7 pills, phat line o charlie, 3 1/2 grams of G and too much dope got me fucked up (on top of this was 30 pounds for a ticket for NYE. I was in London)
Anyway, I woke up feeling pretty seedy. I looked at myself and I looked like a pile of dog shit. Bloodshot, massive pupils, pastey green skin... the whole deal. And you know what I did? I pissed my pants laughing for about 5 minutes, cos all it is, is just one big laugh!
Depression is a state of mind (mainly) and is something that you yourself can resolve. Try and get rid of everything in your life that is addictive, including friends and lifestyles etc... partying, drugs, sex whateva.
If you can do this, then whatever you decide to do, and whateva situation you find youself in will be interesting and fun, because once you are addicted to something, you are only doing it to fill a void, not to further enhance aspects of your life. Do you get it?
I just gave up smoking *pats himself self on the back* and am mentally weening myself off close friends. Dont get me wrong, I want them to stay close buddies, but know in myself that if they dissapeared it wouldnt cause much grief. Sounds nasty, but happiness comes from yourself, and you cant rely on other people for happiness. And ultimately, thats all we can ask for really isnt it? Happiness.
so abby, (sorry about the rant) take a break, find things in your life that you enjoy, and remember that you dont need anything in your life except yourself. You wont ever find happiness in external gratification, only internal, so maybe its time to be kind to yourself.
Hope ive helped. Also hope I havent confused too many people. luv yas - horse
[This message has been edited by Mr. Horse (edited 05 January 2001).]

I know ive felt that way many times before, and when i do get to that stage where i am questioning "why", i write down the things ive gained and learnt from the experience, both good and bad..
Remember, you are in control, you create your state of mind..
so let all your emotions run freely, be angry, be sad, cry, scream, smile, laugh(these are lifes little beauties)enjoy them all, dont trap them or fear them, let the light in, because in the end, it is only you who has the power, to change your state of mind.

I know ive felt that way many times before, and when i do get to that stage where i am questioning "why", i write down the things ive gained and learnt from the experience, both good and bad..
Remember, you are in control, you create your state of mind..
so let all your emotions run freely, be angry, be sad, cry, scream, smile, laugh(these are lifes little beauties)enjoy them all, dont trap them or fear them, let the light in, because in the end, it is only you who has the power, to change your state of mind.
And as Mr Horse said, learn to laugh at yourself..and at life.

Hey Abby......I know exactly how you feel and i've said the same things myself...just one more big night and then i'll have a break.......After nye i felt a bit depressed and i've decided to take some time out...but fuck i'm gonna miss the scene- the fat vibe, friendly people and the mad atmosphere but sometimes it's best to take a small step back and get your mind and body back on track. Anyway keep your chin up....cheers!

Keep everything in perspective i say.
Drugs should be way down the bottom. Friends and family first, the music/atmosphere of where u choose to take them second.
Prior to NYE my friend sorted out her pills, just 2, but that was a good $100 or so. She then felt like she didnt have the money to go to Sci Fi, despite all her friends going.
My reply was basically, what is the use of having good drugs, unless u will spend it with those u care about, in a place u want to be.
I think if the foucs is off drugs, u will have less problems afterwards; as the people u had so much fun with r still there, a phone call away, whatever, and the substances are out of the equation.
Plus with MDMA, it is such a special drug, that it only belongs in the most special of situations. It should never be taken to get "fucked up" like the rest, but instead take u and those around u to a place unimaginable to most; yet all the time, u know that visiting it is temporary and provided u do it in the right way, for the right reasons, with the right mindset, it returns u to where u came from, not to another more hostile place, where u dont want to be.
You know u will go back there, BUT ONLY when the time is right; the substance is the last consideration.
Oh, and get yourself some 5-HTP, that is half of it i think, esp around the time of NYE, people always get reflective. And perhaps reflection is not desirable during such times.

hi abby,
first of all, it seems to me like it's the come down talking. i've gone through the whole "why do i do this?" debate, and it usually comes the day after a massive. however, that being said, these are real feelings, that are usually repressed when you're sober, and they must be dealt with. as they say, where there's smoke, there's fire. in my case, it started off with the music, and it will always be about the music. the drugs are way nice, but at least i know that i used to have a great time before the drugs, and by extention i know i can have a great time without them. i try to make at least one weekend a month when i go out "straight". a bit of alcohol sure, but nothing illicit. that way you can still keep the drugs at arms length. they are always the mind expander, and provide that something extra, but don't rely on them every time you go out. ask yourself what going out is for? for myself at least, it's to be with good friends, listen to good music, dance some, and generally have a relaxed time in a place of well being. drugs aren't necessarily required.
mr horse, yes, depression is a state of mind, i should know, i was there for 9 months once, but it can envelop you so quickly that you can easily lose sight of reality. friends can help in this case, i know mine did. they can provide that tenuous link to reality, and help keep things in perspective. that's why i cherish my friends deeply. yes, life would go on without them, but it would be much the poorer for it.
biki muncher, you never, ever have to miss the phat vibe. you can still be there, immersed in it, you just don't have to be bent out of your tree. try going drug free, you might be pleasantly surprised, or if you can't go straight, have only half of what you usually have, and pace out the rate at which you take them. i'm lucky in that an awesome mix or a great choone will make the hairs on the back of my neck stand up when i'm stone cold sober.
biscuit is right, drugs should be way down on your list of priorities. mdma is a special drug, and as such it should be treated with respect. cherish the great times you've had under it's influence, but don't cheapen the experience by abusing it every weekend. as samadhi once said in another thread
"when having fun becomes your reality,
what do you do for fun?"
i'm sorry for the long rant, but it partly adresses a few posts that have cropped up in different forums, all with the same questioning attitude. abby, in the next few days and weeks, when this come down has been forgotten, and you are pining for the next big one, come back and re-read you post, and consider just how far you are willing to go.
_________________+++++++++++++++++++++++______________
"above all things to thine own self be true,
and it will follow as sure as night follows day,
that thou canst be false to any other man."
william shakespeare, paraphrased from hamlet

*Hugs to Abby*
Sorry i'm not too good with words atm considering the current state of my brain, but when you have thoughts like such then take a break and spend some time with yourself to question where your goals in life and what is IMPORTANT to you at the moment.
There are 10001 things out there that make us happy and drugs/parties should NOT be the only avenue of happiness or fun.
You don't need to GIVE IT UP for good, moderation is the key.
Take care now

Thank you guys . . . your support has been incredible!! slowly i'm working on it though because i feel like i'm stuck in a circle . . . so i guess we'll see, and finally i think the seratonin is starting to build up again
------------------
"That which fulfills me . . . destroys me"

Hey abby,
It's been a few more days since you posted, and i sincerely hope you are feeling better...in body, mind and spirit. I know exactly how you are feeling, but i think everyone else has given more than enough good advise, so i'll keep it short.
...Just know that you aren't alone in how you are feeling...people are feeling the same way-ALL OVER THE WORLD.
...Try to tear yourself away from the scene, even if it's for only a month...it's the best thing you could do...it may be hard, as sometimes it's the only thing you may be able to relate to, but it will save your soul from further damage...
and lastly, read my first sig...
Love and light...k of samadhi
------------------
when your fun becomes your reality...what do you do for fun???
we are not human beings having a spiritual experience...we are spiritual beings having a human experience...

In every aspect of human life, you have to take the good with the bad. Taking drugs is no different. The negative feeling after coming off drugs is essentially a correcting feeling, to balance out the positive feelings from the previous night. The better you feel on the night, generally the worse you will feel the next day. During this correcting period (several hours to several days), you really reflect on the overall experience in a negative light. You remember how much fun you had at the rave on a pill or two, but in the comedown and depression that follows you do really question why you put yourself through it all. This can lead to all manner of strange ideas. I remember after on particularly savage session on pills, the next day I went to the city all by myself and spent all day walking around thinking about quitting my job, and leaving uni and telling my friends to fuck off etc. A week later however, this was just a somber memory. So my point I guess is to not let your judgement be effected by what you feel the next day. It is only natural to feel that despondant about life on a comedown, and this can lead to thought patterns which differ from normal. Just focus on the good times, and enjoy them in moderation and things should take care of themselves.

Funny Iwas just thinking how true Samahdi's sig was on another thread....... it sure makes ense of this one.... just like eating too much chocolate/McDonalds , too much sun , to much sugar , too much wine, too much work , too much attention , too much time......too many examples etc

Funny Iwas just thinking how true Samahdi's sig was on another thread....... it sure makes ense of this one.... just like eating too much chocolate/McDonalds , too much sun , to much sugar , too much wine, too much work , too much attention , too much time......too many examples etc