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Writing the reports

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fugme

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 29, 2020
Messages
305
always rejecting the dragon. Do you know of which curse i talk of?
 
I have sobered up a bit, but still high (on dissos). i'm talking about the incessant need to analyze, think of, write down the experience report etc. which ultimately destroys your experiences with drugs, even the most magical ones. The moral of the story is do drugs kids, but don't do drug reports.
 
On the other hand, I have been so stricken by psychological pain, brought on by grieving, where I had vivid visual and auditory hallucinations, concurrently I couldn't stop vomiting, until those spasms accelerated to total paralysis, in a fetal position, in severe physical pain (heat and cramping throughout my torso). This happened three times, and each time the symptoms were only alleviated when I started to mentally create a report on what I was seeing, hearing, feeling, and imagining. This mental report was very much a stream of consciousness format. The first time, it felt like something was telling me, don't worry about how you will express all of this in the end, just let it flow out of you and when it is done, you will know what to do. I sure did, as the stream started to diminish, it became coherent, and was about me just crawling to the computer, stabbing at the keys, grunting in exertion, and that is what I started writing on my Facebook wall. The reverse happened at that point, and that writing flowed into a somewhat coherent, comprehensive "trip report" of what I was calling Grief Epiphany Pain. LOL. Life is a trip.

P.S. each of the three times, the whole experience elapsed about one hour of time.
 
Thank you very much for your interest, if I think of something that you might like to know, I will let you know. For now, that's about all I really want to share. The rest of it is very personal. Even though I am not too sensitive about the topics it relates to, and even though I tend to overshare almost every chance I get, I don't think it would translate or be coherent for anyone but me, and perhaps some people who are no longer alive. Very abstract vision stuff, like the indescribable parts of a holy psychedelic experience.

It was, at one point, all recorded for all my Facebook friends to see. It ended up being one chapter in a part of my life, not long ago, wherein I live-streamed the destruction, and recomposition of my psyche, several times, trying to become sane again, and trying to find an identity I could live with. It was accompanied by some very ugly public disclosures of my worst sins and crimes, which was very humiliating for myself and others. Overall, the spectacle was very touching and inspiring for some people, and I think, totally necessary for my survival. Alas, the surviving version of me could not stomach the public viewing of the "corpse" that I had just risen from, and I deleted that Facebook profile completely, a burial of sorts, and started a whole new one.

I do have an archive I downloaded of that account, but from what I have seen after analyzing it, there were a couple of times I went into that account when it was still "alive". I deleted all kinds of posts that I thought I was not worthy of, or that I had pride in, and wanted to show how willing I was to hurt myself at that time. Kind of like a virtual "cutting" to express and alleviate pain. The Grief Epiphany Pain reports were all deleted before the archive was made, unfortunately for you and me.
 
ControlDaddy said:
Thank you very much for your interest, if I think of something that you might like to know, I will let you know. For now, that's about all I really want to share. The rest of it is very personal. Even though I am not too sensitive about the topics it relates to, and even though I tend to overshare almost every chance I get, I don't think it would translate or be coherent for anyone but me, and perhaps some people who are no longer alive. Very abstract vision stuff, like the indescribable parts of a holy psychedelic experience.

It was, at one point, all recorded for all my Facebook friends to see. It ended up being one chapter in a part of my life, not long ago, wherein I live-streamed the destruction, and recomposition of my psyche, several times, trying to become sane again, and trying to find an identity I could live with. It was accompanied by some very ugly public disclosures of my worst sins and crimes, which was very humiliating for myself and others. Overall, the spectacle was very touching and inspiring for some people, and I think, totally necessary for my survival. Alas, the surviving version of me could not stomach the public viewing of the "corpse" that I had just risen from, and I deleted that Facebook profile completely, a burial of sorts, and started a whole new one.

I do have an archive I downloaded of that account, but from what I have seen after analyzing it, there were a couple of times I went into that account when it was still "alive". I deleted all kinds of posts that I thought I was not worthy of, or that I had pride in, and wanted to show how willing I was to hurt myself at that time. Kind of like a virtual "cutting" to express and alleviate pain. The Grief Epiphany Pain reports were all deleted before the archive was made, unfortunately for you and me.
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I can relate to that. I've been doing that for 3 years and recently deactivated my account. Haven't used it in months. Its what brought me back to bluelight. It wasn't a smart decision, and im very humiliated by it especially some of the stuff I posted in meth psychosis. Hopefully no one thinks too badly of me, but I think some must, as I lost actual friends over my antics.
 
Zephyn said:
I can relate to that. I've been doing that for 3 years and recently deactivated my account. Haven't used it in months. Its what brought me back to bluelight. It wasn't a smart decision, and im very humiliated by it especially some of the stuff I posted in meth psychosis. Hopefully no one thinks too badly of me, but I think some must, as I lost actual friends over my antics.
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Yeah bruh, me too, big time. Even family left, without saying anything, for good. Not great feels, some of it.
 
I wish I had done my breakdowns
And psychotic rants on bluelight instead of Facebook, lol, pretty much completely ruined a whole scene for myself of my favorite music :( also, yeah, even my family got weird about it.
 
Zephyn said:
I wish I had done my breakdowns
And psychotic rants on bluelight instead of Facebook, lol, pretty much completely ruined a whole scene for myself of my favorite music :(
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Some of it, you may recover, or at least may be a muse of sorts for better things. Man, you really need an optimistic buddy like me to bounce your shit off of. Your dark place is darkest for you by far. How is the Heinlein working?
 
ControlDaddy said:
Some of it, you may recover, or at least may be a muse of sorts for better things. Man, you really need an optimistic buddy like me to bounce your shit off of. Your dark place is darkest for you by far. How is the Heinlein working?
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Need to order some. Yeah man, we can link up and keep in touch for sure. Definitely am in need of new friends at this point :(
 
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