Will I always want it?

[lil-tweaka]

I've never had too much self control, really. If I want something, I am going to get it. Both of my parents are active crystal meth addicts and have been for as long as I can remember. I've smoked weed since I was 14, tried vyvanse, xanax, klonipin, valium, adderall. A month or so ago, I found meth in my mom's bathroom while I was visiting. I've turned down meth many times before this, but this time, I took it and did 3 or 4 lines. I didn't like it that much because my jaw was sore and I sweated a fuck ton. But I did it again last week and stayed up for 5 days, nust redosing trying to get that high. I did 3 lines the day before yesterday, and finished off what I had left yesterday. Since then, I just feel empty. Like I don't want to talk to anybody and I don't want to see anybody, I just want to get high. And I know people to get it from, and I can get money for it whenever. I am probably going to. I don't want to be a slave to meth, really. But I love it. Speed is the only thing that makes me happy anymore. I know I'm going to be told not to buy it, but I'm probably going to. I just want to be happy but I don't want to end up like another statistic. This emptiness is killing me

 

[bomber]

No most propably you will hate it after a while. That doesn't mean you won't be addicted to it, though.

 

[cj]

If you go all the way down the road to true addiction then yes you will always have cravings for it. If you stop now this will quickly fade into memory. Choose wisely.

 

[UpUpAndAway6]

The thing about crystal meth is that it will use SO much of your happy sensors (dopamine) that when your off of the drug you feel very withdrawn. Extremely antisocial. Because you fired up your dopamine as high as it could go and now your brain wants to rest and you feel empty and hollow. Yes, you probably will always want it. A forever chase for that one high. But if you truly want to prevent yourself from being like your parents then there is only one solution. You have to disconnect yourself from the ones that use and change the inner you..(Or well I'm sure there are more options actually, but you can't expect a drunk to get sober while sitting at the bar is what I'm trying to get at.) I smoked, snorted and eventually mainlined and boofed meth, but it took jail, cancer, and rehab in another state to get me straight. I had to leave everyone I knew that used behind and keep them cut off from my new life or else I was never going to survive. And after 3 months I was still to weak to be around one of my biggest enablers, my mother. I broke and got high after a visit. And that proved to me that I had to keep a safe distance if I didn't want to be like her at her age. You have to want it though, and the shitty thing about life lessons is that the test comes first and the lesson after..

 

[Moreaux]

All three responses are excellent and hit main points. Uppers really destroy pleasure receptors and it's very hard to feel pleasure sober once the damage is done, and it takes literal years to recover from a heavy speed addiction. Other issues with speed are the mental illness it tends to replicate - so many heavy users experince psychosis during their addiction, anhedonia, major depression, and many other psychiatric issues...this is in addition to any mental health issues that are already present.

If you allow yourself to become addicted, yes, you will eventually hate the drug but you will still be a slave to that addiction. If you were to quit now you would have cravings, but over time those cravings will decrease and you will forget what it feels like to be high on it (you will have vague memories).

It is possible to get sober and not have cravings, though I have no idea how to replicate that. I was an active addict for almost twenty years. The first time I got sober I white knuckled it for a year and finally relapsed. The cravings were insidious. This last time I got sober, I wanted sobriety so bad I did everything I could think to do. I've been sober for over two years and haven't had a craving...I don't know why though I wish I did so I could share that with others. At this point I chalk it up to dumb luck, though I'll take it lol.

None of us here are pillars of self control or we wouldn't be here discussing how we've destroyed our lives I can relate to what you've said, somehow you have to dig deep and force yourself to walk away from meth. I don't say this often, but just about any other drug would be a better choice (maybe not heroin). I am very active in recovery and have met thousands of people in recovery...I can count on one hand the number of meth addicts I have met in recovery who truly enjoy life as a sober person. Most meth addicts I have met in recovery are shells of their former selves - I think this hs to do with the phisiological changes that occur from heavy use. I wish you ge best!

 

[herbavore]

I cannot even imagine how difficult this must be for you when your parents are both users/addicts. Are you still living at home?

 

[VastEmpty]

I don't say this often, but just about any other drug would be a better choice (maybe not heroin). I am very active in recovery and have met thousands of people in recovery...I can count on one hand the number of meth addicts I have met in recovery who truly enjoy life as a sober person. Most meth addicts I have met in recovery are shells of their former selves - I think this hs to do with the phisiological changes that occur from heavy use. I wish you ge best!

I couldn't agree with Moreaux more. My father has literally used Meth since he was 13, so I grew up in a home with an addicted parent and a co-dependent enabler. I left home when I was 15 (really, my sister left at 17 and took me with her) and never went back, although, for years I allowed my parents to drag me into their bullshit, which was stupid and ended in my early 20s.

Today, my father is alone, broke, and addicted as fuck. He had a 2 year abstinence period where he pretty much didn't get out of bed for two years (no joke). But that was after 30+ years of using. Please, please, PLEASE don't end up like my dad - he is the saddest person I know. The amount of guilt, shame and regret in his life is MASSIVE. I don't see him often, but when I do, he is absolutely like what Moreaux described - just a shell of himself. He often talks about "when you were little I was a good dad, right?" I always say "of course" - because of the pain he is in, I lie. I can see it in his eyes. He will die an addict. But I won't.

Please break the cycle of addiction in your family. You still have time.

- VE

 

[deadendgame]

meth is the hardest drug to quit. in fact, to this day, I still have strong urges. meth is the strongest stimulant I know. Once the ice queen has you in her grips, she will never let go. I can't say that I quit. To be honest, I drink an insane amount of caffeine everyday just to get a small taste of the pleasure that I experienced before. If you can quit meth, then you are the strongest person I know. The only thing that is stronger than meth is maybe bath salts!

 

[d3athadone]

meth is the worst man. If your that deadset desperate try dope lol. Meth is so toxic man it literally destroys your brain.

 

[RedLeader]

I really do feel like anyone who claims to be absolutely and totally free of any and all cravings for something he was previously addicted to is not being true with himself. It's the ego's tactic, trying to signal superiority to others while attempting to distract the signaler from closet fears of inferiority (generated by these thoughts that still do occur). I think that when you frame your goals in terms of "I don't ever want to feel those cravings again," or "I don't want to ever have to feel upset like that again," you're fighting a losing battle. We don't have that much control over our intimate feelings. Yes, we can change our environments and thus reduce triggers, but our thoughts and feelings do have a certain random element to them that we must either see as uncomfortable or part of the magic of life. The best you can do is learn effective tactics to deal with cravings and negative feelings. As well, the further I get away from destructive drugs, the less urgent the cravings do seem. When you are using, the cravings are so strong that you feel like you need it right at that exact second, and that you'll do whatever it takes to get it as fast as possible. But after a bit of distance from those days, suddenly cravings take the form of "maybe I'll go to the city this weekend and try and cold cop." The latter craving is so much easier to reason your way out of.

Two things which have worked for me into recovery:

1) The idea of "transformation of desire." What this essentially means is that instead of trying to directly suppress my desires for destructive things, I try and redirect my desirous energy toward constructive things I also want. It could be traveling again, which I cannot do if I am spending all of my money on drugs. Or it could be getting into great shape, which won't happen as long as drugs are a part of my diet. But as long as I can take that stubborn addict need for what I want and really make it crave those other things at a really strong level, over time I start to see drugs as a roadblock to those goals.


2) Don't focus on the perceived weakness of the cravings and negative thoughts as much as the very real strength involved in getting past them. It takes practice and admittedly some people can be really freaking annoying saying these kinds of things within recovery circles, but it does feel great going to bed knowing that you didn't give in that day, and it's equally rewarding waking up with your physical body primed for a new day and your bank balance where you'd like it to be. Each additional day that you keep it under control is a chance to incrementally strengthen your safety nets. We feel alone and with nothing when we are in active addictions, but into recovery we obtain access to more options for when we do have bad days.