Why Suicide Could Be the Answer

[closeau]

Thank you very much. I hope it helps. Ityll take me out of my own sick head by putting my attention on the kids. Just doing something as simple as taking them t school will help me. There is uncertainty, how can there not be. I have a lot of work to do with my little boy. When me and my ex met he was 2 and now he's 13 and very withdrawn and doesn't like me very much. I don't blame him. He caught the wrath of my alcoholic ways too much. Then for 5 yrs in a rom my daughter came here for summer and he didn't bc of summer school. But he def feels left out. I'm taking him snowboarding this winter, just me and him and we can talk. He's 13 now and I can't believe it. He was a premie so he's small and behind mentally. We'll see how it goes down

My dad is actually on the way up to visit. That's great but I haven't seen him since my mom died last Nov. He's been to Atlanta a shitload for his girlfriend. Kinda hurts cause he knows it's been a rough couple of years. Last summer I pose my colon and in Nov my mom and then moved into this crazy place I live in. Idk. My sisters both live out in Cali and tiring to get a hold of them is impossible. Mor than anything my mom wanted us 3 to stick together and their not doing their part. I don't wanna hear I'm busy shit. It takes 10 sec t type I love you. Here in ten I have uncles and aunts and cousins and I'm estranged from them all. It sucks but fuck it. Isolating is not good but sometimes I'm forced into it cause no family and my 2 best buddies are either working or with their families so I'm going out to my own family and see if that works. These suicide inclinations are getting old. I fee like I'm being stretched like a rubber band. Anyway, thanks for the kind words and don't forget helping me. I hope your family situations turn sn especially your dad. Take care

 

[oblivionmask]

Prince died by Fentanyl and I just kept thinking how peaceful that must've been. I mean, if you just had to go.

I was doing really well at one point when I was reading a book called The Power. It filled me with hope and motivation. I even impressed my therapist with how well I was doing, I was working out literally every day and only choosing to see and think positive things. Working out can help for people with body dysmorphia btw because you don't feel like an extremely disgusting slob after you work out hard. It also helps to boost your mood.
Anyway, I was REALLY trying back then and the key was to keep pushing myself out of bed every morning, make myself work out, shower and not just lie in bed all day feeding my demons. My therapist would say "You're doing well, you used to just use such and such as an excuse and not even try." Well I stopped trying completely at some point.

There is something inside that is self-destructive and wants me dead. I can do so well, but the grips of demons take ahold of me and drag me down, all the way back down so far that I cannot see the light anymore and start to believe light no longer exists. I am not religious, but yes, these are demons. It's the only way I see it. They want me to kill myself and destroy my beauty and spirit. They have been succeeding lately.

I have been in between life and death for quite a while now. I have not been functioning for weeks at a time and naturally I feel like a failure if family members have to pick up slack, but fuck it. God forbid someone else does the fucking dishes for once. Everyone has different situations, but ultimately, we have to choose to live and actively push through every day. It's always just pushing and pushing...I can't see anything worth pushing forward for now so it's harder. Before when I was trying so hard, it was in hopes of having a better future with an ex, but that's gone. I'm rambling, but before I met my ex, I never would have imagined someone could love me for who I am and know me better than I know myself. If I would have given up before then, it never would have happened.

It's hard to believe in things we can't see, but it truly does take some effort and the good will start to appear. I'm at the lowest I've ever been, but hopefully I (and the rest of you) will choose to live.

"What I used to be will pass away and then you'll see that all I want is happiness for you and me."

~ Elliott Smith

This I can't ... even..