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Why do we miss people that took us for granted?

Flow

Flow

Bluelighter
Joined
May 7, 2012
Messages
51
So lately I've been having some trouble getting over somebody that was a pretty big part of my life for two years. We have never officially dated (because I moved to England in Sep 2013) but we were involved without labeling it.

During the time I've been away he got a girlfriend who he's been on and off with since. We still talked all the time, and when I come home to visit (1 month in winter and 4 months in the summer) we make a lot of time for each other. We considered each other to be best friends. I have always been there for him, even at his very lowest when he had $40 to his name and was addicted to K2. Now he's doing much better, making money, has a car, and rents out a nice place. We would always talk about being in each other's future, how he thought I was the kind of friend that would last a lifetime. We got in a fight and he told me, "I want you as a friend over ANYONE, just give it time".

BUT, over the past year or so he has become less and less appreciative of me in every way (I won't go into depth - there are too many stories to tell). I would try to bring up this issue with him, to which he would try to divert the conversation to something else or get unnecessarily annoyed with me. I finally told him flat out that I felt like he didn't appreciate our friendship, to which he replied, "Zzzz...." and after a bit more, "Boring". I said that I was prepared to block him in every way possible, and that there would be no way to contact me if so. He didn't seem concerned, or thought that I would eventually come running back. To be fair I have done this in the past.

Now his facebook, snapchat, etc. are all blocked and that's not changing ANYTIME. I'm still living in a different country so he can't contact my cell phone and we can't see each other physically (which has made things a lot easier). It's been a month since I took this action, no contact at all on either end, but I still think about him all the time. I want him out of my life, but I get really upset knowing that with this decision I'll never see or talk to him again. Do you think I made the right move? I just feel like he's the kind of person who will only appreciate what he has once he loses it. Sorry to vent on about nonsense but I just need some reassurance, I suppose. :\
 
You want to be reassured you made the right decision?
It seems like he has hurt you in some way. I'm sorry you are in this place. I've been there long ago on both sides of the situation, in different relationships.
I'm not you but in my experience, I would accept best you can that you have separated from him in this way… stick with it for now and just give it time. I wouldn't take anymore action. Letting go can be very painful but also very healing as well as the best way to care for oneself in the moment when thoughts/feelings arise about him as hard as it may be.
Hang in there,
Best,
Smoky
 
I've experienced this sort of scenario many times in life, the moment you place expectations on someone you are setting yourself up for disappointment. It's an on-going process for me but over time i've come to expect less and less from people and relationships in general.. this shouldn't be viewed as negative, you still care for those people but your sense of mental and emotional well-being is not tied up with them.

There's also a lot going on with projection.. Carl Jung explained this in relation to shadow aspects of the self, the intoxication of instant love and lust for another been that of projection. I went through this with a girl i met around three years ago.. i projected my image of perfection onto her and she reflected my shadow back at me, at the time i couldn't see it and i eventually drove her away with my obsession and for years following i still allowed the idea of her to impact me. She did nothing for me that warranted this ridiculous infatuation and i had been with other women after her more caring, giving and into me then she ever was.. but i only wanted her because she represented my image of perfection. - Which was completely distorted.

I'm not suggesting this is your scenario, i'm just offering my experience as an answer to the question in the title.

The less expectations you place in others and life the more of yourself you take back.
 
The Gestalt Prayer comes to mind:

I do my thing and you do your thing.
I am not in this world to live up to your expectations,
And you are not in this world to live up to mine.
You are you, and I am I, and if by chance we find each other, it's beautiful.
If not, it can't be helped.

Fritz Perls
 
Sounds like dude probably thinks your phone is off or something and is going about his carefree existence.

When you unblock him he will eventually hit you up and say "Hey, what have you been up to, I haven't heard from you in a while?"
 
pill_billy said:
shit i wish i had four dollars...

anyways sounds like ya like him as more then just a friend and he likes ya as just a friend...
Click to expand...

Gotta agree with this.

give it a few more months. Look at it as an addiction. It seems you were addicted to him. Blocking on all the social media is like deleting drug dealers out of your phone. Relocating and getting away from the addiction. Still craving though. You need more time.

Stay postive and stay busy.

Not to sound rude but something you should hear, that'll help your decision, is that he's probably happy he doesn't have you nagging him anymore, and he's not thinking about you at all while making money, and smashing his girl. You don't exist in his world anymore. Hope those words don't slice to deep but he's not thinking of you so stop thinking about him. I know it's easier said then done, but many people before you have gone through it and we're happy after a lil bit.
 
Last edited:
Thanks everyone. There were some feelings in the beginning but they obviously faded for him and mine stuck around. This is the longest I've gone after cutting contact and I plan to keep it that way. Just gotta get through those moments of weakness.

(Also this thread has raised my post count enough to officially be a bluelighter! After three years, haha :))
 
You made the right decision, and one to be proud of. How he treated you sounded totally disrespectful. You did a good thing for yourself to cut him out. It's a waste of time and energy to deal with someone who can have a negative effect on your self-esteem/self-respect. It's normal to miss him because you considered him a friend. Ending friendships can be very hard.

I recently went through a similar kind of situation. I became good friends with this guy about 2 years ago. A while ago, he began to say things that just seemed... off, like subtly creepy/weird in a bad way. I was a little creeped out but I convinced myself he was a decent person. Eventually he straight up disrespected me, and did so about 3 more times before I lost all respect for him and cut him off. I felt really sad at first and I missed him a lot because I could always count on him for an interesting conversation. It's hard when you're so used to contacting someone, then suddenly stop. But it gets easier with time.

Anyway, good job on letting him go. Hang in there and stay strong! :)
 
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