Why am I scared to have sex/relationships?

[Bigfeely123]

Hello people, I know this is kind of weird but I really need some advice and/or maybe some help so I can get to the bottom of this. This is a serious thread-this is not a joke. Fairly recently there was two sexual encounters with the opposite sex (it was the same person both times) for the first time in over 3 years-it did not go how I wanted it at all.

We talked about it a few days beforehand-I was fine with the talking about it & sending/receiving X-rated material (I was excited to get down & dirty lol.) but when things got going I just couldn't get my nerves under control (I don't think I showed it outwards but it was definitely inside my head). Well, we decided to hang out and then one thing lead to another... The first time it was cut short right before the actual intercourse because of a disturbance and I played it off as if I was just caught off guard & got nervous. Then the 2nd time, there was no disturbances so no excuses, I just simply couldn't get aroused so we stopped at around 3rd base-neither one of us agreed to stop we just did. (It was going OK but getting boring fast & anything beyond what we were already doing was not in the question.)

So then some time after that incident, someone I dated years ago, (the first person was just a friend/acquaintance I have known for a few years.) tried to get in contact with me again after a long time of not talking & after ignoring them for a few days I decided what the hell, I'd just see what they were up to, no harm in that. Well all I was thinking was that we were going to shoot the shit for a little bit, maybe agree to go out to lunch in the neat future, idk? But then they started making sexual comments, saying they missed me, they still loved me, etc.-I told them that I was just interested in pursuing a friendship, not a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship. They said that was fine. (By now I wish I would have just stopped texting them but I am stupid.) Then some time later they asked me to come over to their house during the day-I agreed. Then a few hours later they messaged me saying that they wouldn't be home till later that night & asked if I wanted to spend the night. I said yeah. I'm pretty sure they wanted to have sex because shortly after they asked me to spend the night they were sending pics to me in suggestive positions/clothing but were playing it off as if they were just sending me some innocent "selfies". Well, when time was getting closer to head over & spend the night at their house, I started freaking out & thinking "OMG, WHAT DID I DO!?" "Why did I agree to come over, let alone even message back!" So I came up with a believable excuse last minute & said we could go out to eat some other time. (Now I am regretting that as well-saying we could go out to lunch.)

Most of the time I feel like it's better just to pleasure myself so I can save myself the time, energy & also embarresment. Almost like it's a chore that has to get done & then afterwards I feel like I want nothing to do with sex so finally now I can stop thinking about it & go on with my daily activities. But I don't want to feel this way-I want to have a sex life & a confident one.

If anyone has any questions to further understand anything please feel free to ask me, I will answer them truthfully. If anyone has any advice/suggestions/tips/ANYTHING please write in the thread, PM me, whatever. Thank you. Have a great night everybody, who ever took their time to read this whole thread-I appreciate it.

 

[-=SS=-]

Embarrassment? Chore? I think you should contemplate a bit on what sex means to you personally. From what I've read it seems like you're afraid. You say it's easier to please yourself.. that may be part of the issue too. Not that there's anything wrong with being afraid.. sex is an act of vulnerability and openness, but that's also it's blessing too.. if you're with the right person and there's a real bond there (which is what sex, for me anyway, should be about).

 

[nuttynutskin]

Vodka

 

[SAMCRO]

Deprive yourself of self pleasure and I bet you would force yourself to feel a bit more comfortable and confident.

 

[malakaix]

Sounds like a normal reaction to moving out of a comfort zone.. you come up with reason's and rationalize them to yourself so you can feel justified in avoiding the situation. I do this with almost everything in life that i consider a threat to my comfort zone, yet the irony is despite it been uncomfortable and nerve-wrecking; deep down you really desire change and want it. Which is why i think you agreed to meet up with this person because you genuinely wanted it but as the time drew nearer, that anxiety and fear generated by the possibility of it actually happening forced you to side-step it and come up with an excuse.

It could also be that their sexual forwardness makes you uncomfortable, especially if your unsure if your attracted to them.. i've had women make very sexual advances towards me in the past despite me having no interest in them and i've been unsure of how to deal with the situation without outright rejection. That and i prefer to be the pursuer because i feel i have more control over the direction it heads..

By the way, you have a wonderful country.. i spent some time in Sofia and drove up to an old monastery in the mountains, stunning landscape. I also wanted to visit Veliko Tarnovo last January but the roads were completely snowed in..

 

[harmacologist]

did older boys tell you vaginas had teeth in them as well?

 

[baggerr]

Ah the performance anxiety syndrome, striking fear into you men everywhere lol. You need a break-in girl A cool chick thats just up for the sex, no pressure, no feelings just have sex and get over that hump of insecurity. The more you like the girl the more you'll worry about how you perform. First thing is, it is NOT a performance The more you worry about performing the harder it will be, if you're having erection problems from that, the more you worry about it, the less its going to work. Thats what happens a lot, a guy will have a little studder in getting an erection and then you start worrying about it, once you start down that road you're toast. This is what I'd do, take a viagra, eliminate that part of the equation because thats the biggest fear and the main thing that impedes you. Once you dont have to worry about keeping an erection you can focus your mind on more important things, like the girl
The most important thing, COMMUNICATE! If this is a girl you're dating, then tell her so she is prepared if something doesnt go as planned she isnt surprised and can work it. The fear of getting performance anxiety is if it doesnt work the chick wont like you. If she's getting naked with you, she already likes you!!
Talking about sex with your girl is highly important, that way you know what each other likes, what to do, not to do. Sex is an ever flowing dynamic that you have to be able to run with it in the direction it goes. Trying to do a certain thing a certain way thinking thats how you do that is wrong and makes sex NO FUN!
If the chick treats you poorly or like you suck because you cant perform, she is the one who sucks, any chick worth her salt in bed should be able to arouse her guy no problems, if she just sits there and waits for your cock to get hard, thats a shitty lay. Tell her if it aint working, its because she aint workin and she needs to start some serious performing with her mouth on your dick. Turn it around in your head if that works for ya, if you cant get it up its because you arent turned on by her and make her step it up