Meds who is responsible??

[gypsiejunkie]

hey so I've been debating this in my head for years and I just have no clue so I thought I'd post about it.

so I was a pretty strange child and also very depressed, very anxious, very neurotic etc etc. I became suicidal at 11 years old after a traumatic incident in my family and my parents were very toxic and quite possibly my mother is evil. the point being, I was definitely set up for complete failure.

At 17 I was drugged and raped and got pregnant. I ended up marrying at 17 still, the worst person I could have possibly married (not the rapist but another loser). idk sometimes I'm not so sure I'm even mentally ill I just don't even know. I mean my favorite quote is (and I tell my daughter this all the time), "it is sometimes an appropriate response to reality to go insane". (pkd)

things really just went from bad to worse from there and I ended up strung out on heroin at 21 and trying to raise 2 kids by myself.

I believe at around 24 or 25 I got diagnosed as bipolar. now I struggled with this a lot. my parents don't really believe in mental illness and their influence on me, as much as I hated it, was very prominent when I was younger. I also thought meds were basically placebo and this belief pretty much negated any effects the meds could have had on me anyway. I didn't trust doctors and I basically thought all my problems were of my own making and boiled down to me being a drug addict.

now after a series of tragic events lost my best friend to suicide (2016) got addicted to cocaine (2017) sexual assaults (2017+) lost my kids(2017) that brings us to

the year (2018) I married a complete stranger, attempted suicide and relapsed After 11 months clean

this brings us to 2019 when i was 29 and I was just beginning my love affair with meth when I finally for the first time ever fell in love with a man. and he loved me too I think. but good god that shit was crazy!! I don't think anyone ever really loved me before and I def never had loved anyone like that before. so this catapulted me into complete madness. we were both out of our minds and extremely addicted to meth and whatever else.

then I call this the five days of tyranny.

1. my bro got married and they had an open bar so i got superbly drunk and when i went home my bf accused me of cheating on him and he used to interrogate me like a real interagator. so i went upstairs got his gun and was about to shoot myself in the head when my bf came in and wrestled the gun out of my hand and i shot through the floor.

2. we decided it would just be a brilliant idea to get me some xanax to calm me down after that because i was hysterical. but shortly after procuring the xanax we got into another fight and I took a handful and ended up wandering around town barefoot in November huffing blue spray paint for some reason

3. then I went home again amd me and boyfriend got in another fight because i was wanting to get clean and he wasnt and I very passionately and sincerely screamed, "just know you chose meth over me!!!" and I got in my van and planned on driving off a bridge but ended up changing my mind And hitting a tree instead.

4. then they had to pull me out of the van but i came out swinging and running into traffic yelling about how i didnt want to live anymore until the emt had to knock me out

5. they had to keep me sedated for about 2 days because I kept waking up combative. then I went home and no one would let me get high so I said OK if I can get high one more time I'll go to rehab.

so I went to rehab and got on meds.

it took a lot of pain and facing shit but I still remember driving to rehab hysterical and telling my bf over and over again, "I'm not gonna abandon my kids " because at that point i couldn't even see them on the weekends anymore and it was pretty much down to that.

so yeah I got on meds and my life changed. I mean it's been pretty much steady albeit slow progress for going on 4 years now (although I would say its kind of plateaued by now) but my moods are really stable I got my kids back finally, after 2 years got out of the abusive relationship and can kind of keep a job and can kind of fit in to society

my question is though, and I'm sorry I'm writing a whole fucking book I just thought it was all pertinent info

was it the meds??? or was it the (I had a complete psychotic break and it helped me figure out my priorities and that I wanted to live etc etc)

because, listen

I still don't trust doctors I still would rather not take meds to function. I still wonder if I'm even really mentally ill?? but I am crazy but who wouldn't be after all that shit and I haven't even scratched the surface of how fucked up my life has been.

but idk I'm going to write a novel where a woman tells her story and then her life just keeps getting getting better she finishes raising her kids has grandkids gardens is happy and then she finally decides to get off meds. after all she's always believed deep inside that it probably hinders her ability to create art and besides that she's learned so much over the years surely she will be fine and if not nbd she'll just get back on meds.

and then she takes a leap of faith

and immediately plummets into the hell of her mind and commits suicide.

it's going to be so sad man.

but what do you think???

.

 

[supcbo]

You've gone through hell and back. Stick with the sobriety and the meds at least for now. Shoot for the stars if you've got the time. Write that book. It is completely legitimate to not trust doctors and pharma. But if they are keeping you in check then keep on them for now. Possibly after accomplishing some things you want to do in life. See if you can do a sort of therapy to either get off meds or to adjust to something that's not as intense. As far as the book, I believe every story/book is autobiographical in a way. It could be therapeutic to write the book.

 

[wirkdy]

Life's just a matter of circumstances. We don't have complete control over them, the burden you are carrying is heavy but you're strong, avoid anything that risks making that burden even heavier.